WIBTAH if I told my son, who called me ‘difficult’, why I don’t want to socialise with my ex?

A 57-year-old woman has shielded her three adult children from the dark reality of her nearly 20-year-old divorce, choosing never to badmouth their father despite enduring severe emotional and financial abuse. Now, her eldest son, 30 and recently a father himself, labels her “difficult” for refusing to join blended family gatherings on special occasions involving her ex-husband, his new wife, her children, and grandchildren.

The pressure mounts as her son pushes for unified celebrations to simplify his life, unaware of the grooming, isolation, control, and revenge that defined the marriage. This leaves the mother questioning whether sharing the painful reasons for her boundaries would be unfair—or long overdue.

‘WIBTAH if I told my son, who called me ‘difficult’, why I don’t want to socialise with my ex?’

The marriage began with grooming and control that isolated the poster from her support network early on.

Deeper revelations about the abusive dynamics surfaced as the relationship deteriorated over time.

The current conflict intensified when her son expressed frustration over her refusal to participate in family events.

This situation highlights the long-term impact of coercive control and grooming in relationships, where one partner systematically isolates and manipulates the other to maintain power. The mother’s experience—being targeted young, cut off from family, and convinced of her own unlovability—aligns with established patterns of emotional abuse that erode self-worth and independence over years.

What complicates matters further is the mother’s choice to protect her children by withholding details, a common strategy to preserve their relationship with the father. However, as the children reach adulthood, this silence can backfire, leading to misunderstandings like labeling her “difficult” without context. Opposing perspectives might emphasize not disrupting the children’s view of their father to avoid alienation, yet evidence from abuse recovery resources shows that age-appropriate truth-telling empowers adult children to process complex family dynamics without forcing sides.

Broader societal discussions around post-divorce boundaries reveal that victims of control and financial revenge often face ongoing recovery challenges, including strained adult relationships. Prioritizing personal healing by setting firm no-contact limits with an abuser is valid self-care, not obstinacy, and sharing facts calmly can foster understanding rather than division.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Many users strongly encouraged the mother to share the truth, stressing her children’s maturity and right to full context.

Some offered nuanced advice, suggesting careful delivery while affirming her valid reasons.

A couple shared personal regrets or warnings, adding emotional depth without harsh judgment.

Ultimately, the mother has upheld peace for decades by staying silent, but her son’s insistence risks straining their bond without the full picture. Revealing the abuse calmly as adults could clarify her boundaries while allowing him to hold nuanced views of both parents.

Have you ever shared hidden family truths with adult children, and how did it affect relationships? Where should parents draw the line between protecting a child’s image of the other parent and explaining personal boundaries after abuse?