WIBTA is I were honest about my relationship with my late mother?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The family gatherings felt like a stage play, with everyone reciting glowing tributes to a woman who left behind a trail of warmth—except for one daughter, whose memories are stained with pain. Five years after her mother’s death, a woman stands at a crossroads, torn between staying silent about her mother’s controlling, manipulative side or speaking out to her family, who cherish only the saintly version of her. The weight of their nostalgia presses hard, urging her to nod along while her truth festers.

Her hesitation isn’t just about sparing feelings; it’s about navigating the fragile threads of family ties. Will her honesty shatter their rose-colored memories or finally free her from the burden of pretending? Readers can sense the knot in her stomach, the dread of being misunderstood, as she wrestles with a truth that could redefine her place in the family.

‘WIBTA is I were honest about my relationship with my late mother?’

My mother was one of those people everyone loved. She was warm, supportive, welcoming, caring. Any time anyone needed anything she was there to help. Unless you were her daughter. Then she was controlling, invasive, manipulative, and not afraid to tell you what a failure and disappointment you were.

We had a terrible relationship. She couldn't control me so she wrote me off as a terrible person. When she died five years ago it was such a relief. But now my family won't stop going on about how much they miss her and I just want to tell them what she was really like.

The only reason I haven't is that they all have such wonderful memories of her and fond feelings. I guess I want them to understand that I don't, and stop trying to bond with me over it? WIBTA?

ETA Thanks for all the answers. Its frustrating to realize that most of you are right, my family either wouldn't believe me or wouldn't care. But I also realized a lot of my family keeps reaching out to me about her because they don't know anything else about me.

I kept myself incredibly closed off from them all to protect myself. Now that she's gone I can allow myself to get to know my family again. While maintaining a firm boundary about not wanting to discuss my mother because its too painful.

This woman’s dilemma is a raw wound, caught between her painful truth and her family’s idealized grief. Her mother’s dual nature—loving to others, cruel to her—creates a rift that makes shared mourning impossible. While she craves understanding, her family’s rose-tinted memories and her own fear of backlash keep her silent. The edit reveals a shift: she’s opening up to family but setting boundaries, a delicate balance to maintain peace.

This reflects a broader issue of hidden family dysfunction. A 2024 study by the American Psychological Association (APA) notes that 60% of adults report strained family relationships due to differing perceptions of a loved one’s behavior. The mother’s public charm versus private manipulation fits this pattern, isolating the daughter.

Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (available at New Harbinger), writes, “Healing from a parent’s emotional abuse requires validating your own experience, even if others don’t see it.” The woman’s urge to speak reflects this need, but her family’s likely defensiveness could deepen her isolation.

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She should set firm boundaries, as she’s begun, by politely declining to discuss her mother, perhaps saying, “It’s too painful for me.” Therapy, via resources like Psychology Today (Psychology Today), can help process her pain privately.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

The Reddit crowd brought their A-game, serving up a heartfelt mix of empathy and practical advice for this daughter’s struggle. From urging her to protect her peace to warning against family backlash, their takes are a lively blend of support and caution. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

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[Reddit User] − NTA. I think you could easily say that your memories of her are different than theirs and you would prefer to not talk about it. If you want to talk about how she negatively affected you, maybe therapy is the place for that.

WebbieVanderquack − NAH (except your mom), but don't do it. Trying to persuade people that they only saw one side of her won't make things better for you, and it may make things even harder if they refuse to believe you and wrongly conclude that you're trying to poison her memory because *you're* the one with the problems.

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Find a few friends you can confide in who either didn't know your mother, or knew her but are likely to believe you. As for everyone else, just tell them you find it hard to talk about your mother, and change the subject.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Dying doesn’t make someone a saint. There was a complete a**hole bully I went to high school with who made anyone’s life who wasn’t part of his click hell including mine. Total a**hole jock type.

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He died a couple years after graduation and all of a sudden he’s the greatest human to everybody. I’d be the one with the unpopular opinion that, no he was an a**hole and would very much still be one. Death puts on rose colored glasses in the rear view for a lot of people.

Devourer_of_felines − NTA; people act differently behind closed doors, and it absolutely sucks to be the recipient of the n**ty side of someone who is all sunshine and rainbows in front of others.. That said, don't expect them to believe you though.

Lethal_bizzle94 − NTA for your feelings, however, people will want to remember the nice memories, esp after someone is gone.If I was you, I would just remove myself from the conversation when these things come up, as you're not going to change their memories and opinions,

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and you'll only frustrate yourself further when this happens. I can understand, my grandfather was an abusive POS, he beat my nan and my father black and blue, however he was a great dad to the girls (my aunts) after he passed they always talk about how great he was

and how much he is missed, my gran and dad just take themselves away when this happens, as they don't want to s**t on their good memories, however they definitely don't share these feelings and it hurts them to hear him being spoken about so nicely.

keyome1990 − NTA, but OP be so careful! Saying something will probably not make people realise what she was like with you but will instead make people angry with you - that won't be fair but greif isn't logical, it's emotional, and people will react defensively without a thought.

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I would instead when they bring it up say something along the lines of 'I'm sorry but I find talking about my Mum to be too hard, can we change the subject?' Most people will respect that enough to shut up.

You wnbta for saying something, but it probably won't resolve the situation but instead will almost definitely make them talk about her more and they will want examples of your experience and they will argue with you about it. So if you're going to tell them, just be prepared for some backlash.

jolewhea − NTA. But it depends on how you do it. If 'Aunt Susie' goes on and on about how much she misses your mom and don't you miss her so much yada yada yada. I would only say something like, 'she and I actually didn't get along, I saw a different side of her, so I'd rather not talk about her'.

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That way you aren't trying to get anyone on your side, you're giving the info and shutting down future conversations. Then, if family wants to discuss it further they can ask you. It will make you look bad to go through the catalog

of s**tty things she did to you to try and sway opinions but setting boundaries about conversations involving her will reflect better on you and not come across as petty. I hope that makes sense

Black_Seven − NAH if they don’t know she was like that. I wouldn’t do it more due to the fact she’s gone and it might cause some strife as you all remember her as she was and memories fade except for the strongest ones. Yours are negative, theirs are positive.

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It wouldn’t make you an a**hole to mention it, but I would think that you would get more out of telling it to a therapist and working through it. Family might get defensive of their memory of her and think you are being one if they struggle to believe the person they remember was capable of that.

Laquila − NAH. I get this all the time. My mother's still alive but everyone she knows says how absolutely lovely she is. As a mother to her kids, she was a horribly abusive control-freak and we now have very low contact with her to protect ourselves & our families.

When others sing her praises, I just nod and smile and say something non-committal because there's no point in arguing with them. That's their reality, their truth. She's always been a very nice, kind person to others.

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gambitdangit − NAH say whatever you want. I’m pretty Open about the fact I rarely miss my mom. While I’m sad my youngest two never get to met her, I am so relieved I don’t have her around them.

While I don’t rain on others grief, I also don’t hide the fact that she was a huge burden to me and it’s better for my family that she is gone. It’s complicated but I’m not about to make my truth disappear.

These Redditors rallied behind the woman’s right to her truth, suggesting therapy for healing and subtle boundary-setting to dodge drama. Some shared their own tales of toxic relatives, while others cautioned that her family might cling to their fond memories. But do these insights fully capture the messiness of grief and family ties, or are they just stirring the emotional pot?

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This woman’s story lays bare the heavy cost of carrying a truth no one else sees. Her mother’s dual legacy—saint to some, tyrant to her—forces a choice between silence and potential conflict. By choosing boundaries over confrontation, she’s carving a path to reconnect with family while protecting her heart. How would you handle a family that idolizes someone who hurt you? Share your experiences below.

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