AITAH because I told my ex husband outside of our kids i don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancé anything?
When past relationships fracture into messy new dynamics, it’s natural for lingering emotions to spill over—sometimes into blunt honesty. In this update, our storyteller, a 36‑year‑old mother, explains why she told her ex-husband, Tom, that she doesn’t care about his life—and that she owes his fiancé, Tammy, nothing (especially not pity).
After Tom left her two years ago for Tammy, she managed to navigate a divorce that awarded her custody and most assets. Although she remains civil for the sake of the kids, she’s made it clear that outside of what’s necessary for them.
She isn’t obligated to shoulder any emotional responsibility for her ex or his new partner. This post examines whether her no-nonsense attitude in this volatile family landscape makes her an AH or if she’s simply protecting herself from further hurt.
‘AITAH because I told my ex husband outside of our kids i don’t care about his life and I don’t owe his fiancé anything?’
Experts in relationship boundaries and grief often note that it’s acceptable—and sometimes necessary—for individuals to set strict emotional limits after a painful breakup. Dr. Laura Markham, a psychologist specializing in post-divorce recovery, explains that “when a partner has caused deep emotional wounds,
it’s important to establish boundaries that protect your own healing, even if it means not offering sympathy for their current situation”. Similarly, communication expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that while empathy is valuable, it should not come at the expense of your own emotional health.
“You are not obligated to extend compassion beyond what is necessary for mutual respect or for the sake of the children,” he notes. For our storyteller, her blunt honesty was a way to reclaim her emotional space and to signal that she’s not willing to rehash old wounds or support a relationship that no longer exists.
Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:
The Reddit community’s reactions have been mixed. Many users resonate with her perspective, applauding her for drawing a firm line after years of feeling sidelined by Tom and Tammy’s actions. They argue that if you’re no longer in a relationship with someone, you shouldn’t have to care about their current choices—especially if those choices continue to hurt you.
On the other hand, some commenters suggest that for the sake of the children and maintaining a semblance of civility, showing at least a modicum of empathy might help ease tensions over time. However, a common thread among most responses is that she is well within her rights to prioritize her own healing and protect her emotional boundaries.
At the end of the day, this isn’t merely about a few harsh words—it’s about reclaiming your life after profound loss and betrayal. Our storyteller isn’t saying she’s heartless; she’s simply asserting that she no longer owes her ex or his new partner any emotional energy, outside of what’s necessary for her children’s well-being. In a situation where past pain continues to cast a long shadow, setting firm boundaries can be an essential act of self-care.
So, AITA? Or is her no-nonsense stance a justified means of protecting herself from further hurt? How do you balance the need for self-protection with the expectations of being empathetic for the sake of family harmony? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
Where was her empathy when you was pregnant and she was plotting on taking your husband? Or her empathy when you’ve probably given birth and she helped your husband move out on you with a new baby? Karma have a way and she received it all way. And why would she think you would want to be her bridesmaid? Yeah your NTA and this is the explanation you should give them.
OP, maybe “Oh you want sincere sympathy? Gimme a sec… Okay, I’m sorry the immature piece of trash whorebag lost her kid. How’s that?”
I agree with the poster who said the in-laws need a strong reminder of the order of events. WB threatened to ruin your marriage while you were pregnant with their grandkid. Their dumbass son fell for it, allowing WB to actually break up your marriage and make their grandkids deal with this immature WB on the regular. And now they think you should give a tinker’s damn when bad things happen to these two. HAH!
NTA, however, when she told you she lost the baby, instead of ignoring her, you could have given her a very cold, non emotional “Sad to hear that”, then went on with your day. No emotion, no sympathy, just acknowledgement that she lost the baby. Of course, a follow up to “Lord Tom” wouldn’t have hurt either!
Make him leave her at home during exchange. Shes not only extremely immature but diabolical as well.
She most certainly show you much empathy when she broke up your family. I wouldn’t give a good crap about her, him and the inlaws!!! You’re actually lucky you got rid of the jerk!! Karma bit them.
NTA but the new wife sure is. And I say this as a second wife who has a terrible relationship with her husband’s ex. (She has accused me of “stealing him” when we didn’t even meet or start dating until well after the divorce was final.)
You owe her nothing except civility. That may need to extend to meaningless small talk from time to time (e.g. if you’re both at a school event), but under no circumstances does it involve personal support or being kind when she’s flaunting herself at you. Quite honestly, she’s being a serious AH with her behavior.
My only caution, and it sounds like you may not need it, is to be sure you’re never rude to her in front of the kids, no matter how rude she is to you. And I’d suggest just not talking about Tammy when the kids are with you on your parenting time. If they bring her up, make a generic comment and change the subject. The reason for all this isn’t for Tammy’s sake; it’s for the kids’ sake. That’s still their father and they deserve the right to make their own decisions about him without being colored by yours.
Also, agree with the commenters below that Tammy shouldn’t be present during exchanges. I’m dumbfounded at that as it never even *occurred* to me to be present at those. Outside of an emergency, there really shouldn’t be any contact at all. (Just be aware that with kids, emergencies do happen.)
Bender said “Oh wait you are serious, let me laugh even harder”
My guess is she watched too much Reba and thought you guys were going to have this fun, whimsical relationship. NTA at ALL.
I believe that I would have 2 stock answers for Tammy. The first would be “How nice for you” and the second, “I’m so sorry to hear that”. I would deliver either with just a hint of disinterest.
If you want to maintain a good relationship with your ex’s parents then you need to go to them, alone, and tell them that their son traded you in for a younger model and ‘Tammy’ has been rubbing it in like it’s a contest. Tell them that you respect their feelings but you can not forgive your son and his new toy for treating you badly. The kids are resilient and unfortunately you can not control what they are being told by ‘Tammy’ when they are with her.
If the in-laws still believe that you should care about the feelings of a home wrecker there is nothing you can do. The children will always be their grandchildren and you will not get in the way of that relationship.
Nta I woulda laughed at her but I’m a bitch so you don’t owe her anything I woulda said oh boo hoo poor Tom doesn’t get his son oh well homewrecker I hope your life is hell you owe them nothing