WIBTA if I told my husband I didn’t want kids because of him?
A 28-year-old woman and her 33-year-old husband both live with diagnosed OCD his focused on germs and filth, hers on order and perfection. They love each other deeply and communicate well, but the realities of parenting clash violently with his condition. He has already stated he couldn’t change diapers or handle spit-up, leaving those tasks entirely to her.
She once wanted children but now dreads becoming a single parent in a two-parent household cleaning every mess, handling every bodily fluid, and losing sleep while he opts out due to his OCD triggers. She’s beginning to feel that not having kids might be the only fair choice for her own well-being. Is she the asshole for blaming him and pulling the plug on their shared dream of parenthood?
‘WIBTA if I told my husband I didn’t want kids because of him?’
The couple’s OCD manifests in opposite ways:
Past compromises have already shifted her lifestyle:
![[backstory, before we moved in together my animals always slept with me, were allowed on the furniture etc and once we moved in together that stopped]](https://en.aubtu.biz/wp-content/uploads/2026/02/wp-editor-1770173191711-1.webp)
She has become increasingly anxious about the reality:
Her specific fears are mounting:
Sleep differences add another layer of concern:
She feels the full weight of parenting would fall on her:
Update clarifying misconceptions:
OCD is highly treatable with ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy and, when needed, medication. Many people with contamination-based OCD successfully parent — changing diapers, handling spit-up, managing messes — after targeted treatment. The husband’s preemptive refusal to engage in basic infant care due to his OCD is not an inevitable symptom; it is a choice (conscious or subconscious) to avoid treatment for those triggers.
The wife’s fear of becoming a single parent in a marriage is valid. Unequal division of labor — especially the physically and emotionally demanding tasks — breeds resentment and burnout. Her own OCD (order/perfection) would likely amplify distress from constant messes she alone would manage. The husband’s current stance (“I couldn’t do that”) signals he is not yet willing to do the therapeutic work required to be an equal parent.
Relationship therapist Dr. Alexandra Solomon emphasizes that major life decisions like children must be made from a place of enthusiastic mutual consent — not resignation or coercion. One partner opting out of core parenting duties while expecting the other to shoulder everything is a relationship-ender for many. The wife is not “punishing” her husband by reconsidering kids; she is protecting herself from a future of isolation and overwhelm.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
The overwhelming majority declared the wife NTA and urged her not to have children unless the husband commits to full, equal parenting — including treatment for his OCD triggers:
A few acknowledged both have OCD challenges but still placed primary responsibility on the husband to seek treatment:
The wife is not the asshole. Recognizing that her husband’s untreated OCD would leave her handling all mess-related and nighttime parenting alone — while she also manages her own OCD triggers — is realistic, not selfish. Children require two fully engaged parents; his preemptive opt-out from core duties makes equal partnership impossible without major therapeutic work on his part.
Love does not obligate anyone to become a single parent within a marriage. Her willingness to love a child if conceived does not erase the valid fear of burnout and resentment. Protecting her mental health and future well-being by reconsidering children is responsible, not cruel. The kindest path forward is honest conversation — ideally in therapy — about whether he is willing to treat his OCD sufficiently to parent equally. If not, child-free may be the healthiest choice for both.
