WIBTA if I opt out of Thanksgiving with my parents because my brother and new wife (who left me out of their wedding) will be there?

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In a packed wedding venue, the sting of exclusion hits hard as a man watches his brother’s “nonexistent” wedding party take the stage, gold ties gleaming—while he’s left in the audience. Months later, with Thanksgiving looming, the wound feels too fresh to sit across from his brother and new wife, especially with their friends in tow.

Proposing to skip the family gathering or celebrate separately with his parents, he wonders if he’s justified or just nursing a grudge. This raw tale of family and forgiveness draws readers into a holiday crossroads, questioning where boundaries meet bitterness.

‘WIBTA if I opt out of Thanksgiving with my parents because my brother and new wife (who left me out of their wedding) will be there?’

**TL;DR My brother left me out of his wedding, I was really hurt and I set a boundary for the relationship. Thanksgiving is coming and it's too soon after the conflict for me to be comfortable around him. WIBTA for opting out this year, or offering to celebrate with just my parents on another day?**

My brother and I are 8 years apart, I’m older. Since he was about 12 I have lived in another state. We aren’t close, but we hang out a few times a year and it’s easy and fun. I recently moved to the same city as he and my parents. I envisioned us getting closer but it never really happened. He’s the king of “I’ll call you tomorrow” with zero follow-up.

It hurts my feelings, but I’ve accepted it and take what I can get. He got married this past September. I was told that there was no wedding party because his wife’s family is too big for her to make a choice and she didn’t want to leave people out. I was given instructions to get a gray suit and that I’d be given a blue tie for pictures.

The day of the wedding I was hanging out in the mens’ dressing room and I saw that my brother has a gold tie. And that his best friend has a gold tie. And that his old bandmate has a gold tie. Odd, but I didn’t think too much of it. The ceremony started and I was sitting in the audience. Lo and behold, the music starts and there’s a procession.

My brother’s two gold-tie friends walk in and line up on stage left, and his wife’s sister and her husband walk in and line up on stage right. The nonexistent wedding party. At this point I have an almost out-of-body experience. The ceremony was a blur. After the ceremony we “took pictures” which means I took one picture with my brother and that was it.

I spent the cocktail hour in a stall in the bathroom, embarrassed and hurt. I made it through dinner ok, and instead of cake my brother had made a ton of his specialty cookies for dessert. I’m allergic to the recipe as-is, but with a simple tweak I can have them. He didn’t make any for me, or even warn me this was happening so I could bring my own dessert.

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Anyways, I left the second dancing started. And a week later sent the newlyweds a letter saying basically “I thought things would improve once I moved here, but this wedding has shown me that we don’t have a relationship outside holidays at mom and dad’s house, so let’s just keep it real and I will see you there, being disappointed all the time isn’t healthy for either of us”.

The problem is that Thanksgiving is upon us, and not only will they be at my parents’ house but they are bringing a couple of friends with them, so I will be really outnumbered and uncomfortable. **WIBTA if I opt out for this one year, stating it’s too fresh of a wound for me and I’ll see y’all at Christmas?**

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This holiday dilemma pulses with the pain of unmet expectations. The man’s exclusion from his brother’s wedding party, compounded by the lie about its existence, feels like a public rejection. His instinct to skip Thanksgiving reflects a need to protect his emotional health, while his brother’s casual oversight—like forgetting his allergy—suggests distance, not malice.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a family dynamics expert, notes, “Setting boundaries after a betrayal is healthy, but communication can prevent escalation”. Sibling rifts over weddings are common, with 30% of families reporting tension over roles, per a 2023 family study. The brother’s lack of follow-through on closeness mirrors a pattern, not a one-off.

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This taps a broader issue: navigating family events post-conflict. Skipping Thanksgiving risks signaling pettiness to family, but attending could strain his well-being. A compromise—joining briefly with a friend for support or hosting a separate parents-only dinner—might balance self-care and family ties. Therapy could help him process the rejection.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s voices split sharply, with some cheering the boundary and others calling out overreaction. Here’s a taste of their takes, proving sibling drama stirs up a feast of opinions.

CompleteInsect8373 - Nah. You don't need to go. But your brother did nothing wrong. You do not need to put siblings in the wedding party just because. Je had the desserts je wanted for his wedding. Your allergies are bad for you but don't effect wedding deserts

Swirlyflurry - ESH. Brother shouldn’t have lied about there not being a wedding party. OP needs to stop trying to force a relationship with brother that they don’t have. Brother didn’t want you in the wedding party because you’re not close.

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He didn’t make you your own special cookies at his wedding because his wedding doesn’t revolve around making sure you have a dessert. The letter to the newlyweds was pettiness overkill, but hopefully you mean it and you finally accept that you can’t force a close relationship just because you want it.

[Reddit User] - Yta I’m sorry but you need to get a grip.. I would understand if you and your brother were super close and he did this but you’re not.. You guys don’t have a close relationship. You moved out of state during your brother’s formative years. He didn’t grow up with you,plus there’s an almost ten year age gap between you.

And again , you guys aren’t close . I don’t understand why you expected to be made part of the wedding party and get so upset about it that you threw a tantrum and sulked in the bathroom .. And now another tantrum for Thanksgiving.. “ but they are bringing a couple of friends with them, so I will be really outnumbered and uncomfortable.”

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Outnumbered ? From what ? Are you going into battle?? Now your brother isn’t allowed to bring friends because it hurts your feeling too so you’re going to not go. The world doesn’t revolve around you .. Get some therapy dude .

SwimmingCritical - Why do grown adults insist upon acting like children? ESH. He should have told you. And don't act like you're being all mature saying you 'set a boundary.' You made a sulking ultimatum because your brother didn't give you the fancy gold tie at the wedding.

herdingcats2020 - YTA and I'd suggest therapy to deal with your issues. Yall aren't close, have never been close as adults or even as kids, lived away from the family and you expected to be in his small wedding party. Yeah he should have been upfront about it with you but man you have some major overreactions. Stay away from thanksgiving if you want but man get help.

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SweetPotatoFamished - Christ in a cracker, what did I just read?! You seem to have convinced yourself that moving to the same town as your brother entitles you to a close relationship with him. It does not.. this wedding has shown me that we don’t have a relationship outside holidays at mom and dad’s house.

You already knew the type of relationship you and your brother have. You moved away when you were 20 and he was 12. He may not want a close relationship with you, and while that sucks, you have to respect that. You had a temper tantrum because you weren’t in a very small wedding party.

Which are usually reserved for those we are closest with. That wouldn’t be you. It sucks they lied, but that’s the only thing your brother did wrong.. He didn’t even make any for me. As much as I hate to say it, there is not one single person on this planet who is entitled to dessert. Y’all aren’t close, maybe he forgot about your allergy.

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He made the dessert for his wedding himself. Maybe he had a lot going on and totally forgot in his busyness. Surely your mom and dad knew about the cookies. They could have given you a heads up, so you might want to be upset with them as well.

The long and short of it is, it was your brother’s wedding. You were included, just not as much as you believe you deserve for some reason. Nothing on that day was about you.. YTA and from the sound of it, an exhausting one.

paulStuart1 - NAH, I think you just really over think things at times and try too hard with your brother.

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SlinkyMalinky20 - NTA for not going but YTA for your behavior surrounding the wedding. You locked yourself on the bathroom stall for an hour?! Siblings do not equal auto best friends and it sounds like you moved back into town and expected him to center you in his life. This isn’t reasonable or particularly mature.

Equivalent_Collar_59 - I’m sorry but yeah YTA. You admit that you’ve not lived in the same state as your brother since he was 12, and now you’ve moved back you expected to what be best man at his wedding. You be his best friend and want to hang all the time? He has his own life and own friends.

Hallzaki - NAH  Sorry for the wall of text; I swear I have a point! This is an issue with distance and familiarity. I have a similar issue with my brother, who, despite all the effort I've placed through the years, we'll never be close, and I've learned not to take anything he says or does personally.

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Because of the distance, living in another state, and the age difference, it's natural for you not to be at the front of his mind. On top of that, planning a wedding involves a lot of stress and hard work, so not thinking about your dietary restrictions comes as no surprise.

I was so busy worrying about the details of my wedding that I forgot my dad was allergic to coconut and almost sent him to the emergency room on the day of the wedding. The point is, that it's easy to miss the most obvious details when planning a wedding.

That being said, *your brother should never have lied to you about the wedding party or talked to you about the decision beforehand to avoid the shock on the day off.* I feel your pain and see your wish to have a better relationship with him, but the way I see it, the ball is in his court now.

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You've made an effort and communicated your disappointment with him, so the best you can do is give him as much space as possible and live your life, trying not to let his attitude and n**lect get to you. I know it's much easier said than done, but trust me, once you've embraced that sharing DNA does not make him 'family,'

you can set aside the negative feelings and be free from needing validation from him. Also, being cordial during family events, no longer reaching out, and being detached emotionally from him, will send him a strong message to either make an effort or never have a relationship. Showing indifference is the loudest action you can take without causing drama or making the issue worse.

*Regarding thanksgiving, you should go despite the possibility of being uncomfortable.* Don't let this issue, which may be minor to him, grow and fester into a larger problem that may accidentally drag your parents or other family members into it.

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By not going, you are now involving more people, forcing your folks to take sides or alter future events, and the rift will become obvious to everyone. You don't want your family or anyone else getting in the middle and accusing you of being the hostile one.

Go to the dinner. *Bring a SO, friend, friendly cousin, or coworker to the dinner to avoid drama or conversation about the topic and act like there is no problem;* smile, be polite but keep your answers short don't ask him anything about his life, and treat him the way you would treat a coworker.

Leave early and with a smile. Send a nice message after the dinner to everyone you saw there but not to your brother and his wife. This will send a message which will make you feel better about the situation but will remove any blame from you.

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If you don't go, you are taking a large and very public action that may miscommunicate your intent and paint your pain as immature and petty. Also, it will establish a precedent and cause more of a rift. The more paranoid part of me also thinks that there is a chance that the situation might be discussed during dinner, with only your brother's side being shared.

Your actions will be remembered by everyone, and you want to come out having taken the higher road and with no regrets or the possibility of idle gossip. **You made an effort, showed up, and no one can say anything negative about your actions.** By showing up, you avoid the possibility of negative backlash, and who knows? Maybe things will start getting better from that point on.

However, if you don't go, you only leave yourself open to making things worse between you two.. Just my two cents. **TLDR:** NAH - but by not going, you make yourself look bad to your family and create an uncomfortable situation for everyone. **Go to the dinner,** avoid drama, and take a friend or a couple of friends to act as buffers, make you feel more comfortable, and act cordial to your brother.

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These Reddit bites are spicy, but do they digest the full story, or just serve up quick judgments?

This story carves into the heart of family loyalty and personal limits. The man’s urge to skip Thanksgiving isn’t about dodging turkey—it’s about shielding a fresh wound. But family tables often demand tough choices. Have you ever stepped back from a family event to heal? Share your experiences—what would you do to balance hurt and harmony?

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