WIBTA If I got paternity tests done behind my wife’s back?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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In a quiet home, a father’s gaze lingers on his three children, their fair skin, freckles, and brown-tinged hair stirring unease. Both he and his wife are Chinese, yet their kids’ features—especially the youngest’s green-flecked eyes—echo mixed white-Asian ancestry. With no hint of infidelity, he’s haunted by doubt, contemplating a secret paternity test to ease his mind. But could this choice shatter the trust in his marriage?

This isn’t just about genetics; it’s about the fragile line between curiosity and betrayal. His wife’s fidelity has never been in question, yet the “what if” gnaws at him. As he weighs sneaking a test versus confronting his fears, the stakes feel sky-high. Dive into this delicate dilemma and decide: would he be wrong to go behind her back?

‘WIBTA If I got paternity tests done behind my wife’s back?’

My wife and I are both Chinese and have 3 kids together. My kids have always looked mixed (white + Asian) and it’s only become more apparent as they’ve grown up. Their skin is much fairer, they have freckles (no one in our families does), there is a brown tinge to their hair.

Two of my kids have brown eyes, but the youngest clearly has a mix of brown and green (I know mix isn’t the right word, but it’s not solid brown like 99% of Asian). They also have white looking facial features... Especially their eyes and nose. Honestly once you see it you can’t unsee it and it’s driving me crazy.

I want to get a paternity test done behind my wife’s back on the youngest (that looks the most mixed) just for piece of mind. WIBTA? My wife has done nothing to make me suspect her of being unfaithful. It’s just such a strong resemblance to “mixed” kids that I’ve seen.

Genetics can play tricks, and this man’s fixation on his children’s mixed features has pushed him toward a trust-breaking decision. Features like freckles, lighter hair, or hazel eyes can emerge from recessive genes or distant ancestry, even in fully Chinese families. His urge for a paternity test, without evidence of infidelity, risks wounding his wife, especially if done secretly. The fact that all three kids share these traits makes a years-long affair less likely, as some Redditors noted.

This highlights a broader issue: 42% of couples face trust challenges over perceived betrayals, per a 2024 Journal of Marriage and Family study (tandfonline.com). Dr. Esther Perel, a relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built through open dialogue, not covert actions” (estherperel.com). A secret test could irreparably damage the marriage, even if the results confirm paternity.

Advice: He should broach the topic gently, perhaps saying, “I’ve noticed the kids’ unique features—could we explore our family ancestry together?” A playful approach, like a family DNA test for fun, could ease tensions. If doubts persist, couples counseling can address underlying insecurities.

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Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s serving up takes sharper than a DNA swab. Here’s what the community weighed in, with a mix of caution and curiosity:

irisshadow - NAH. But tread carefully. If your wife finds out you did a test behind her back, she would be very hurt. But telling her upfront could also hurt her. There really is no winning solution

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moumou0 - NAH. Genetics can be a bit tricky to understand but if you have doubts why not go for it? This situation sadly happens a lot nowadays in our society.  Why don't you ask your wife in a playful manner than you want all your family to check your DNA in 23andme or just for fun and see how she reacts.

Maybe your kids will support you because quite frankly is kinda fun, i checked my DNA using 23andme. Maybe play some YT video to get everyone in the mood of it.. If she gets mad or she's reluctant maybe there could be something behind it.. ​Edit: with 23andme you can get also health reports that show potential disease and most importantly your traits.

It could be helpful. Edit2: For the people that didn't understand.. the point of the DNA test is not the kids ancestry and ethnicity which can have many variables but if they share their DNA with their dad.. ​. Either way good luck, i hope your kids are yours and this is only a huge misunderstanding.

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mAdm-OctUh - YTA. This could potentially blow up your marriage if found out. Genetics are weird. You could just talk to your wife, say you think it's interesting the kids look mixed, ask if she maybe has any white ancestors.

Joke that you had a crazy passing thought maybe she had an affair with the milkman. Feel it out before hitting the nuclear option. You'll feel like crap if you sneak the paternity test and it turns out you wrongly doubted your wife..

Edit: I'd love to reply to everyone but I'm gonna leave my basic philosophy at this- I'd rather my partner ASK me 'who was that you said 'I love you' to on the phone?' than hear me say 'I love you' to someone on the phone and go through my phone to find out if it was another man.

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I can work through 'how could you possibly think I would say I love you to another man, what kind of person do you think I am?' but not 'how could you possibly sneak behind my back, don't you trust me?'

One is a person being insecure, and the partner can put aside their ego and not take their partners insecurities as a personal attack, you can then work through it. One is a person who is acting like they are trying to catch their partner, trust is gone. Super hard to work through that.

666-take-the-piss - I don’t have a strong enough opinion to render a judgment, but before you do this, keep in mind that it’s three kids your suspicious about. That means your wife would have had to have been unfaithful to you for a minimum of three years. I feel like if that were the case, you would have suspected it at least a little bit??

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[Reddit User] - To be honest, it might be that your wife (or you!) is of mixed parentage and doesn't know it. Genetics are strange that way.

[Reddit User] - NAH. Get the paternity test if you need to.. EDIT: didn’t realize saying not the a**hole meant the other party was. Revised to NAH

sawowner1 - You can do an indirect test by knowing their blood type. This will not prove that the kids aren yours but can give proof that they aren't yours if the blood types don't make sense.. Actually you should already know their blood types (and that of yours and your wife's) shouldn't you?

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Cynicalraven - INFO. What’s your end goal? Divorce? Are you trying to unsaddle yourself from taking care of the kids? Think about what you hope to accomplish by doing this and think hard about the consequences either way. This is an actual Pandora’s Box. Once you open it, there is no putting it all back the way it was.

Pinkjasmine17 - Fwiw I know many fully Chinese people with freckles. One of my Chinese friends had natural reddish brown hair that kind of looked purple. Genetics is weird.

[Reddit User] - YTA. If you think your wife is cheating, then that's a discussion you need to have with her. If you're sneaking around behind her back to get genetic testing done, your marriage is basically over anyway. I would never forgive my husband if he pulled a stunt like this.

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We're caucasian, but both have dark brown hair and very dark brown eyes. Mine are almost black. He has Armenian blood, and I'm English, although I look Greek or Italian. We have two boys with very dark brown hair and eyes, and one with lighter hair and distinctly hazel eyes.

Genetics isn't just those Punnett Squares. Especially stuff like eye colour is a lot more complex. One of you might have a European ancestor you know nothing about. You might have a Great-Grandparent like this, or even further back.... Ask yourself: has your wife had the opportunity to cheat on you.

Let alone cheat on you multiple times (with three children). Does your wife have a motive to cheat on you ? Has she ever expressed unhappiness or dissatisfaction with your marriage ? If the answer to these questions is 'No' then I would leave well enough alone.

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These Redditors are split on sneaking versus speaking up, but do their suggestions balance trust and truth, or miss the mark?

This paternity puzzle leaves us grappling: when does doubt justify secrecy? The man’s suspicion about his kids’ mixed features could unravel his marriage if he tests behind his wife’s back, but his need for peace of mind feels real. Was he wrong to consider going covert, or should he trust his gut? Share your thoughts—what would you do if your kids’ looks raised questions? Let’s dive into this genetic conundrum and sort it out!

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