WIBTA if I don’t attend my daughter’s wedding or help with the expenses?

Jonathan Hours
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Imagine a family vacation, sun-soaked and serene, suddenly jolted by a sparkling Instagram post: a young woman’s hand, adorned with an engagement ring, hinting at big changes. For this dad, a man in his late 30s or early 40s, the sight of his 17-year-old daughter’s apparent betrothal stirs a whirlwind of worry. Divorced from her Jehovah’s Witness mother since she was a toddler, he’s watched his bright, headstrong girl grow up in a faith he doesn’t share, one that now seems to steer her toward a hasty marriage.

The stakes feel sky-high as he and his wife sit across from the young couple, hearts pounding with dread. Could this union lock her into a life of submission, with no escape from potential harm? His love for her clashes with her texts about cash, leaving him torn—support her day, or step back from a choice he fears is a misstep? Readers, brace for a family saga dripping with tension!

‘WIBTA if I don’t attend my daughter’s wedding or help with the expenses?’

My daughter is 17, will be 18 soon. Her mother and I have been divorced since she was 1, married to my current wife since she was 3. Ex-wife and daughter are JW, which was one of the main reason we divorced since I am not. While we were on vacation we saw a post on my daughter's Instagram that looked like her hand with an engagement ring.

We decided to wait until we go home to talk to her about it, but my ex-wife texted me later that day and said we needed to talk about the wedding. I replied that there wasn't much to talk about if my daughter and her fiance weren't even going to tell me, and that I wasn't on board with her getting married as soon as she turned 18.

Two days later my ex-wife replied by telling me I shouldn't take the opportunity to have her dad walk her down the isle. Again I said that our daughter should be the one texting me if she wants me to know. 5 minutes later my daughter texts me and we make plans to sit down and talk , my wife and I, her and her fiance.. ​

We meet at our house and tell them we are completely against them getting married because she is so young, and if you know anything about the JW religion you know that once married women are stuck with the man they marry regardless of what he does as long as he asks forgiveness from the elders.

He could beat her or their future children, cheat on her, m**est the children, you get it, and there is nothing she can do as long as he goes to the elders and says he's sorry. We do not want this for our daughter, she is a bright, smart, headstrong young woman that we saw going on to do great things, not being a subservient wife strapped with a gaggle of kids with no way to get out.

Saying “no” to a daughter’s wedding is like tiptoeing through a minefield—emotions explode, and intentions get murky. This dad’s torn between love and alarm, seeing his 17-year-old rush into marriage under Jehovah’s Witness rules that might limit her options. She’s eager, perhaps dazzled by romance, while he fears a future where she’s trapped, her brilliance dimmed by rigid expectations.

This ties into a bigger picture: young marriage often bucks modern trends. A 2021 CDC report notes only 5% of U.S. women marry before 20, with early unions linked to higher divorce rates (source). JW beliefs, emphasizing submission and forgiveness, amplify his concerns—though no abuse is evident yet.

Dr. Elizabeth Jeglic, a psychology professor, says, “Parental support can be crucial for teens navigating big decisions, but boundaries matter—open dialogue trumps ultimatums” (from Psychology Today, source). Here, his shift from support to skepticism stems from her money-focused texts. Try this: talk honestly—share fears, ask about her fiancé’s plans. Stay in her corner; if trouble brews, she’ll need you.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit’s posse rode in, serving up raw takes with a side of sass—picture a lively diner chat, coffee steaming as wisdom (and a little spice) flows! Below, the top comments dissect this dad’s dilemma, mixing support with sly nudges to keep love first.

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Ras_Bow − NTA. But if your really worried about the situation she is getting her self into I'd try and keep a good relationship with her so she always knows your in her corner. Kids do dumb things and make mistakes.

gooberfaced − NTA but you have to tell her *why* and be honest about your feelings. 'Your complete focus on how much money I will be giving you has made me think more about this whole situation. I have reconsidered and will not be contributing financially.

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I would never miss your wedding because I love you and only want the best for you, but I just can't rationalize financing what I think is a huge mistake for you. If you wait until after you graduate from college I will be happy to foot the entire bill but not now.'

im3603663 − NTA. Aren't JW weddings where the husband's side funds for the wedding? Correct me if I'm wrong but you're def NTA. If they wanted you to be involved in the wedding yes, they should have the courtesy to call you and speak with you about it themselves.

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That last part about her texts, how much you can give them and when...she sees you as a cash cow. Sorry, your daughter is probably going through some phase right now. 17 is young to be getting married but if the guy is 26+ and his background is enough to support her...then that's a diff story.. How old is her fiancé? Is ex wife okay with everything?

Winterblue24 − Info: Was her mom Jehovah’s Witness when you married and got pregnant with your daughter? Did you have any conversations with your daughter over the past 17 years to discuss her plans for dating and marriage? Have you talked to them (just you, your daughter, and her fiancé) about what their plans are in the next 5 years?

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wobblebase − NAH. Just not constructive. If she's getting married she's already baptized in the church, so she's bought into that belief system. You're not gonna change that at the moment.

I'd suggest you not participate in the wedding, or pay for any aspect. But do attend. Be sure she knows that although you have reservations about this marriage, you love her and want her happiness.

Basically don't alienate her now. Because if this marriage goes bad, the only way she's likely to get out is if she leaves the JW church. And one of the big impediments is disfellowship combined with lack of outside contacts & resources. She's a lot more likely to be okay if she knows she can go to you in a crisis where her religious community fails her.

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TTGAM − Can someone please explain what the hell 'JW' is since OP clearly doesn't want to.

[Reddit User] − Question - info / can you double this religion back on them to your advantage (and hers in the long run). Bit naughty like but its worth a shot. In JW aren't they supposed to honour their parents and if they are subservient to their husbands then surely they are to their fathers before marriage.. Can you get the preacher (or whatever) on side?

Agree the BF needs to prove his intent and behaviour etc for xxxx time before you will give a blessing. Obviously not object to the marriage - that's not your business in the long run but in the religions eyes at least pull rank. I know this is terrible and I wouldn't normally ever recommend it but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire - just long enough so you and everyone else can have peace of mind she will be safe at least.

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SassMyFrass − NTA, but it would backfire. Ex-JW myself here: her life is 100 percent insane, and the wedding is going to suck, and her marriage has a solid chance of being bad... But this means that you should establish a history of being supportive. Be the only non-crazy people in her life, and in many years she may remember. Future her needs you.

clutzycook − NAH because you can't help how you feel and neither can she. she is a bright, smart, headstrong young woman that we saw going on to do great things, not being a subservient wife strapped with a gaggle of kids with no way to get out. If she's been a JW her entire life, this was always going to be the endgame, barring some serious rebellion.

He could beat her or their future children, cheat on her, m**est the children, you get it, and there is nothing she can do as long as he goes to the elders and says he's sorry. Are there any signs that this might be a possibility? Would you be less apprehensive towards the marriage if they were in their 20s? The only thing I can advise is keep the lines of communication open to your daughter. If she ever wises up, she'll need support outside her congregation.

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Revwog1974 − NTA You don’t owe her any money because she’s your daughter. But ... you have concerns about your daughter’s future and her church. I worry that your position will cause a permanent rift between you.

You have a chance to be a support person outside the church for her and her future husband. You don’t approve, that is your right. Do you want to be the person she comes to if any of those terrible things happen to her? Right now is your chance to decide.

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality? Maybe she’s just a teen chasing love, or maybe he’s wise to pause—either way, the crowd’s got thoughts galore!

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What a heart-tugger! This dad’s journey—from dreaming of walking his girl down the aisle to doubting his role—blends love, fear, and a clash of values. He sees a bright future fading; she’s chasing a milestone, maybe blind to risks. Reddit leans toward him, urging a lifeline for later. Will he show up, or step back to save his heart and wallet? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Spill your takes, share your stories—let’s hash this out below and light the way forward!

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