WIBTA for telling my fiancée’s parents that they’d need to give me a dowry?

In a cozy apartment where wedding plans spark like fireflies, a 30-year-old groom-to-be faces a cultural tug-of-war. His fiancée’s family, rooted in tradition, expects him to shower them with gold and cash as a bride price, a nod to their heritage. But he and his fiancée, both drifting from their ancestral customs, dream of a neutral church wedding, free from old-world rituals. His culture flips the script, demanding a dowry from the bride’s side—a twist he’s tempted to play.

The idea’s a cheeky countermove: match their tradition with his own, balancing the scales or dodging the cost altogether. Yet, beneath the playful jab lies a real worry—will this spark family drama before the vows? This Reddit tale dives into a whirlwind of love, heritage, and clever compromise. Would tossing tradition back at them be a masterstroke or a misstep?

‘WIBTA for telling my fiancée’s parents that they’d need to give me a dowry?’

My fiancée (28F) and I (30M) are in an interracial marriage. We're both different types of Asian. She comes from a family that follows some of the customs and traditions while I don't. We are both, however, pretty far removed from our cultures.

We're getting married next year and we've decided to go for a culturally neutral wedding (i.e. we won't be following our ethnic customs) and have it in a church. Friends of the same race as my fiancée have been telling me that I'd need to give her parents gold and thousands of dollars before I marry her (this tradition only applies to brides).

This is a custom to thank them for raising her. I, of course don't want to have to spend all that money and would rather put it towards building our family and future together. My fiancée agrees with me. But she has mentioned that her parents will not be too agreeable to that..

The thing is, in my culture, it's the bride's family that has to give the dowry. WIBTA if I told my future in laws, that I can follow their traditions as long as they follow mine? I feel like I would be TA because I don't really care about the customs of my culture

and I'm only doing this so that either they would stop demanding the money or my fiancée and I wouldn't make a financial loss (money given to her parents would stay with them. the dowry would be mine and my fiancée's to use). Edit: neither my fiancée nor myself are from India.

Wedding plans can feel like a cultural tightrope, and this couple’s clash over dowries shows tradition’s stubborn grip. The man’s idea to counter his fiancée’s parents’ bride price with a dowry demand is a sly tactic to highlight their shared wish for neutrality. Her parents’ insistence on custom, despite the couple’s modern stance, risks alienating them. His hesitation, knowing it’s partly a bluff, reflects a desire to avoid financial strain without burning bridges.

Intercultural marriages thrive on negotiation. A 2023 Pew Research study found 40% of U.S. couples navigate cultural differences in wedding planning, often clashing over family expectations. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, advises, “Compromise builds trust; rigid demands erode it”. The couple’s unity is their strength—his fiancée’s support aligns them against external pressure.

They should openly discuss all options with her parents, proposing symbolic gestures like mutual gifts to honor both cultures without heavy costs. Couples counseling could prep them for future family talks.

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Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s crew jumped in like wedding crashers, serving a mix of snark and sage advice. From cheering the groom’s cheeky counter to urging a dowry-free zone, the comments are a lively toast. Grab a glass for their fizzy takes:

IBeatHimAtChess - NTA, If they insist on their 'customs' then insist on yours.. Personally I'd do it just cuz it would be hilarious

ddra196 - NTA, but it would probably be better if you and your fiancée just completely forego the dowry/bridal price altogether. Asking for a dowry would probably just lead to more arguments and tension with her family. Better to have both of you insist on a culturally neutral wedding and nip this in the bud early on.

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ClintBarton616 - Your fiancée needs to talk with her parents and make them understand that there will be no dowry situation. If they press the issue they are the assholes.

[Reddit User] - NAH. Did you just reverse punch buggy no returns a dowry?

Visible_Negotiation4 - ESH either you or your fiancé need to have an adult conversation with her parents about there being no dowry rather than pulling this petty move. Besides just wanting to start off the marriage on the right foot,

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you and your fiancé need to learn how to explicitly draw the line when it comes to which cultural traditions you will and will not respect because I am assuming the dowry isn’t going to be the only thing they insist on

Jdm5544 - This sounds like something you need to be absolutely certain your wife and you are on the same page about. Don't bring up the dowry first but do keep the parents in the loop on the marriage planning if that is normal for you.

If they bring it, you and your wife can let them know that you've decided against any customs as both of yours essentially counteract. If the tradition of it is important to them, say you're willing to have it be the other way around and have both traditions happen, and then effectively counter out.

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That said, if the 'gold' is supposed to be in some sort of useable form like a necklace or ring, that's where things can get a bit more complicated and you and your wife need to decide what you want to do there.. On the whole, I'm saying NTA right now, but YTA if you bring it up first.

negasonic1 - Info. Does your fiance know about your culture's tradition?

ChaosofaMadHatter - NAH. And I say that because no one has actually done anything yet. A lot of people do dowries to honor the culture and it’s not as big as it once was. Speak to them and ask what they expect and explain what is traditional in your culture. Maybe you all could come up with a symbolic compromise that recognizes both cultures.

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marnieeez - I'm also in an interracial relationship with an Asian man.One of his cousins had been dating this girl for a very long time. He bought a house for them to live in. It's a very nice house as he and his family are very well off (or at least they were pre-covid).

They got engaged and planned on getting married during covid, so it would be a very small ceremony. They asked us if it was ok and of course, who are we to say no, they are free to marry whenever they want to. Then we started hearing the gossip. The future bride's family was asking for a gold bar from him.

The whole family was outraged. They wouldn't stop talking about it. Then they started reflecting on the bride-to-be's attitude. 'She asked me how much money I spent on my kid's education, how dare she?' 'I've noticed stuff going missing in the house after she had come over' 'I'm sure she's only dating him because he has money' etc.

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I've met the girl, and she is a very blunt, very talkative person. The kind that will always blurt out whatever is on her mind without thinking twice. But she seemed to have a good heart. I feel like a lot of it was just her not being meek enough, and being to straight forward on the subject of money around her in-laws.

But apparently she stood behind her parent's weird request and insisted that her fiancé fulfill their demand. She even said she'd help him pay for it if needed. Of course the relationship imploded. That cousin is a very sweet guy and I don't think he could handle his whole family turning onto his girlfriend.

I don't think he really came to her defense, either. I don't think YTA. But this is something that needs to be handled very carefully because it can really kill a relationship. I would suggest talking honestly and openly with your in-laws to try and work out a solution together.

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nathashanails - NTA. It seems like your fiancé is in agreement with your method. So long as you both are on the same page, it’s totally fine to troll her parents with this counter offer lol

These Reddit quips pop like champagne, but do they miss the parents’ perspective? Or is the groom’s ploy the perfect bouquet toss?

This dowry duel shows how love can tangle with tradition, turning wedding plans into a cultural showdown. The groom’s idea to flip the script with a dowry demand is a bold gambit, rooted in fairness but risky for family harmony. With his fiancée by his side, their neutral wedding vision holds strong, but tact will seal the deal. Would he be wrong to play this card, or is it a clever checkmate? Share your thoughts—have you faced cultural clashes in love? How would you navigate this family face-off?

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