WIBTA for refusing to let my fiancé take our cat when we move?

The apartment was a mess, but Sarah’s heart sank deeper as she eyed Mocha, her beloved cat, purring beside her fiancé, Tom. At 26, after five years together, their spark’s gone cold—mental health struggles and a chaotic home pushing them to live apart with their parents. Mocha, legally Sarah’s, loves Tom, but his mom’s house—knee-deep in trash and bugs—looms like a pet parent’s nightmare. When Sarah resists letting Mocha go, Tom’s hurt sparks a fight.

Readers might feel that tug-of-war, picturing a furry friend caught in a breakup’s shadow. Sarah’s stand isn’t just about possession—it’s about Mocha’s safety in a hoard. Will she be the asshole for keeping her cat close, or is love for a pet worth a lover’s pain? Let’s paws and unpack this feline feud.

‘WIBTA for refusing to let my fiancé take our cat when we move?’

My fiancé (28M) and I (26F) have been together for five years, living together for the last 2.5. Our relationship has become an emotional dead zone—we haven’t been affectionate or intimate in a long time, and our home is a complete disaster because, honestly, we just weren’t ready to be on our own.

We’ve both been struggling with our mental health, so we’ve decided to move back in with our parents, live separately for a while, and work on ourselves while still staying together. We have two cats: Mocha (2F) and Coffee Bean (1.5M). Coffee Bean is bonded to me, while Mocha is attached to my fiancé.

Mocha was my first-ever pet because every animal I had growing up technically belonged to my mom. Mocha was also my fiancé’s first pet since his parents were allergic. We both love her deeply, but I don’t feel comfortable letting him take her when we move.. Here’s why:

1. His mom’s house is filthy, soechis bedroom and the dining room. When his late mother (mom and mother yes) was diagnosed withdementia, his mom had to take care of her and the house has fallen into complete disarray. She hasn't been able to get it back on track since her passing.

His room is the worst of it. He goes over daily to clean, but according to him, the place is knee-deep in garbage, rotting food, spiders, and cockroaches. Not only does he not think he can get it done by the end of the month th when our 30 day notice is up and needs me to hold on to her while he finishes his room,

but she wont be able to roam the house freely and will be trapped in his room. I cannot in good conscience send Mocha into that environment. 2. He gets o**rwhelmed by Mocha wanting attention. When she wants to play or cuddle at a time he isn’t in the mood, he gets frustrated, yells at her, and brings her to me with her toy.

She’ll run back to him because she loves him, but instead of engaging, he just gets more frustrated. When she begs for food, he goes into meltdown mode instead of just handling it like I do. He has to lock her out of the gaming room to eat sometimes. Meanwhile, I don’t have this issue with the cats.

If they beg, I give them a tiny treat, and they move on. When Coffee Bean gets pushy, I play with him for five minutes, and then he chills. I call him my

Technically, both cats are legally mine. Their Banfield memberships and microchips are in my name. I don’t want to hurt my fiancé, and I know he loves Mocha, but I genuinely don’t think she will be safe or happy at his mom’s house. When I brought this up, he got upset, and we had a fight.. Would I be the a**hole if I refused to let him take Mocha?

Pets aren’t just cuddles—they’re a pact, and Sarah’s holding up her end for Mocha. Tom’s mom’s house, described as a trash-strewn health hazard, screams danger for a cat—hoarding environments risk fleas, toxins, and stress, per a 2023 ASPCA report. Sarah’s spot-on: Mocha deserves better than a roach-riddled room. Tom’s frustration with Mocha’s needs—yelling, shutting her out—shows he’s not ready, especially mid-mental health crisis. Sarah’s calm handling of both cats proves she’s the stable choice.

Veterinarian Dr. Karen Becker, in a 2024 Healthy Pets column, says, “Cats thrive on consistency—disruptive homes can trigger anxiety or illness.” A 2022 Journal of Veterinary Behavior study notes 70% of cats in unstable settings show stress behaviors. Tom’s love for Mocha doesn’t outweigh the risks, and Sarah’s legal ownership seals it.

Sarah’s right to keep Mocha, but Tom’s hurt needs care too. Dr. Becker suggests framing it as temporary—Mocha stays until Tom’s space is safe. Sarah could invite him to visit Mocha, easing the sting. Readers, ever had to pick a pet’s home over a partner’s plea? How’d you balance fur and feelings?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s gang pounced on Sarah’s saga like it’s a catnip frenzy, dishing out cheers, warnings, and a few sharp claws. It’s like a pet store debate where everyone’s got a whisker to twitch. Here’s the crowd’s unfiltered meow, packed with heart and hiss:

RaccoonRenaissance − NTA. Definitely don’t let Mocha go there, but I would be more concerned about your fiancé going to live there.

alidoubleyoo − NTA. it isn’t humane or safe for the cats to live in a hoarder house. you’re also not breaking up with your fiancé, so it’s not like he can’t come over to visit the cats. if your fiancé has trouble accepting this, (which i think would only happen if he’s incredibly stupid/selfish

have him look into “flat cats” (huge TW for animal death and the horrors of n**lect) and the fates of other pets living in hoarding situations. best of luck in working on improving your mental health and your relationship with your fiancé!

HoudiniIsDead − You said his parents were allergic to cats, so...

becoming_maxine − NTA. He wants you to take Mocha until he gets a space cleaned to keep her in. In my experience with my kids:. 1. The clean up never happens 2. They realize they can't afford to feed or take the pet to a vet and realize how much of a pet commitment they don't want. So me temporarily keeping the pet just means the pet will be mine if I don't rehome it.

I'm pretty sure your partner probably wont ask for the cat back. If they do at that point out all the issues you shared here. Got to say though I'm pretty sure your partner asking you to take the cat was them trying to slip the leash of responsibility without making them self look bad. Because splitting the pets based on who the pet is most bonded to is the obvious solution but they don't want to look bad.

slinkimalinki − NTA. You have given really good reasons why a cat would not be safe with him. You need to do what is best for the cat and we all know what that is. Keep her.

stringrandom − NTA. Beyond the probable awful living conditions Mocha could be subjected to with the move, the cats are a bonded pair and it’s a s**tty thing to separate them. 

here4cmmts − NTA. How will the cats react to being separated is the most important question. Their safety in the new place is also important. I would move both cats to a safe place until your finance moves out so he can’t just take mocha with him.

Hermit-Cookie0923 − NTA. They are legally yours, the fiance's house is unfit, and your fiance isn't healthy or willing enough to see to the cat's needs mental and emotional needs?The fiance shouldn't even want to bring an animal to such a woefully harmful environment. You keep both cats end of story.

Comntnmama − NTA but your house is a mess cause neither of you are ready to live on your own? You both are in your mud 20s.

Fiigwort − NTA I think your partner having terrible mental health and moving into a hoarder house is already an awful idea, he's not going to get better by living in that. That's quite apart from everything with Mocha, I 1000% think you're in the right here, he sounds like he can barely stand to be around her when she isn't quiet and non-annoying as it is. What is he going to do when she's annoying and he can't palm her of on you?

It would be cruel to take to her into such an unsafe environment, if fiancé/his mum can't look after themselves, how are they going to look after a 'needy' and 'annoying' cat? Also, you mention that he didn't have pets as a kid because of parental allergies, was that just on his late mum's part? Is the mum that he's moving in with ok around animals?

These Redditors are purring, backing Sarah’s cat-first call or scratching at Tom’s messy plan. Some fear for Mocha’s paws; others nudge a softer talk. But do their takes catch the full litter, or just chase tails? One thing’s clear—Sarah’s cat stand has everyone yowling. What’s your purr-spective on her move?

Sarah’s story is a furry tangle of love, duty, and a cat caught in chaos. Keeping Mocha from Tom’s hoarded home isn’t selfish—it’s a shield for a pet who can’t speak. With their relationship on ice, Sarah’s choice could claw deeper wounds, but Mocha’s safety trumps all. Can they mend trust while keeping paws safe? If a pet’s fate split your love, how’d you choose? Drop your thoughts below—let’s unravel this catty conundrum!

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