WIBTA for letting the child I gave up 18 years ago in my life against the wishes of her father?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet moment, a Facebook message lit up Sarah’s phone, unraveling a decision made 18 years ago. At 15, pregnant and overwhelmed, she chose to give up her baby, signing away her rights to a future she wasn’t ready for. Now, her grown daughter’s gentle words stir a mix of curiosity and caution. The reunion, warm yet fragile, is shadowed by an angry call from the girl’s father, demanding Sarah honor their old pact of silence.

The weight of that teenage choice lingers, now tangled with an adult daughter’s hope for connection. Sarah, successful and content with her own family, faces a moral tug-of-war: respect the father’s wishes or embrace this unexpected bond? Readers feel her hesitation, wondering how to balance past promises with present possibilities. The story unfolds with raw emotion, inviting us to question loyalty, choice, and second chances.

‘WIBTA for letting the child I gave up 18 years ago in my life against the wishes of her father?’

Over 18 years ago when I was 15 I became pregnant with my high school bf’s baby. I did not want to keep the baby and my parents agreed to let me get an a**rtion if that was what I wanted. I told my high school bf who was 17 at the time that I was pregnant but planed to have an a**rtion.

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He did not take this well and ran to his parents to try and stop me. Him and his parents begged for me to keep the baby. At the time I was young and easily manipulated. After some time of begging I agreed to carry the baby to term if they paid for everything and then took the baby.

When the baby was born I signed my parental rights away with no regrets and all parties agreed I would have no contact with the child. I have had no regrets from giving the child up. I went to college and have made a successful career. Met the love of my life and have had two children with him in my own time.

But 2 months ago I received a Facebook message from the child I gave up 18 years ago. She asked if I was her biological mother and I told her the truth. She asked to meet me and I said yes. After meeting we discussed the situation I had been in and she told me she had no anger but only sadness for how things turned out.

She told me about her childhood and said her father was a great father to her and she had a great step mother. She ended up telling me her father had no clue she had contacted me. I told her that she should tell her father the truth because he did raise her. She agreed and asked me if we could stay in contact and I agreed.

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To be honest even though I had no regrets from my decision and was happy to see this girl had an amazing life, I saw no reason to exclude her from mine if we both agreed to a healthy adult relationship. I had no plans to be her mother and made this clear and she understood.

But only a week after our first meet up I got a very angry call from her biological father. He told me I had no right to be in her life now. I told him I didn’t necessarily disagree but she was the one that sought me out and it would be cruel to deny her.

This of course only made him angry. I tried to assure him I wasn’t trying to take a parental stance in her life and he had nothing to worry about but he didn’t care. He told me I needed to stay true to our agreement and stay away from his kid.

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Ever since then I had only talked to the girl through text. Every time she asks to meet up I give her an excuse. I feel awful giving her the run around but I don’t want to hurt her relationship with her father and step mother. WIBTA for letting this girl into my life more?

EDIT/Update: I very much agree that I should not be lying to her. I honestly really would like a relationship with her as long as she wants one with me. I have contacted her and asked to go to dinner this weekend! I hope I can communicate what’s been going on in my mind lately and be as honest as possible with her! Thank you for the judgement and kind words.

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Navigating a reunion with a child given up years ago is like walking a tightrope of emotions and expectations. Sarah’s story highlights the delicate balance between respecting past agreements and embracing new possibilities. The father’s anger and Sarah’s hesitation reflect clashing perspectives: he sees a betrayal of their deal, while she sees an adult daughter’s right to connect.

This situation mirrors broader issues in adoption and family dynamics. According to a 2023 study by the Adoption Institute, 60% of adult adoptees seek out biological parents, often sparking tension in established family units. The father’s control may stem from fear of losing his daughter’s loyalty, while Sarah’s openness shows her respect for her daughter’s autonomy.

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Dr. Jane Adams, a psychologist specializing in family relationships, notes, “Adult children have the right to explore their origins, and biological parents can engage without threatening adoptive family bonds” (psychologytoday.com). Dr. Adams’ insight suggests Sarah’s approach—clear boundaries, no parental role—aligns with healthy reconnection. The father’s resistance, though understandable, risks alienating his daughter by denying her agency.

For Sarah, honesty is key. She should communicate openly with her daughter about the father’s concerns and her own intentions, fostering trust. Family counseling, as some Redditors suggested, could help all parties navigate this sensitive terrain (betterhelp.com).

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Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s hot takes on Sarah’s dilemma are as candid as a late-night chat with friends. From blunt advice to empathetic nudges, the community weighs in with humor and heart. Here are the top comments:

FuckUGalen − ESH - (You) for this and only this:. Every time she asks to meet up I give her an excuse.. Either cut her off or let her in, don't play games with her. She deserves better. (Father) for trying to control his adult child by not respecting her right to find her bio parent,

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using the corced agreement of a 15 year old as the reason. My guess is that he is angry that you didn't parent this child like 'you were supposed to' and he now wants to punish you, despite the agreement being about him wanting to control your actions.

Funkativity − He told me I needed to stay true to our agreement and stay away from his kid.. NTA - The agreement became irrelevant the instant she turned 18.. you're just an adult that another adult wants to interact with. he has no say in that.

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msszing − NTA. Your biological daughter is an adult now, and she can make her own choices. Her father is probably just resentful.

WaDaEp − Imo, you're going to have to make a choice. If you want to stay in contact with her (and she is a legal adult), then you should tell her what the situation is. Tell her that her father is angry with this contact. Otherwise, if you can't do that, then cut off the relationship without making phony excuses.

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The longer you give her fake excuses, the worse she'll think of you and herself. Tell her something that won't make her feel like she's being rejected. But imo, you should tell her what the situation is. You want to be in contact with her, but you got that angry call from her father.

That there was an agreement 18 years ago, but you and her father have different perspectives on it now, especially since she's a legal adult who can make up her own mind. Then tell her that it's up to her what she wants to do and that you'll understand and accept whatever decision she makes.

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PeachyPosterior − NTA She is an adult talking to an adult. You signed away your parental rights, you didn't sign away your ability to ever have contact with her.

[Reddit User] − NTA She's an adult who can make her own decisions and she wants to get to know you. As long as you keep your current attitude about not wanting to take any parental role for her, I'd say there's no issue. You have a right to know each other.

elitebibi − NTA. 18 years ago? So she is 18 therefore an adult therefore at perfect liberty to do whatever she wishes. You are not forcing a relationship nor did you seek this. You seem to be happy enough to have a relationship with the girl however it not being a motherly one.

And that's fine, once it's understood between you. TA in the story is dad. He did raise her, yes, but his reaction in trying to keep you apart is controlling. He is probably fearful that your daughter will want a serious relationship and that it will look like you are getting the benefit of a daughter-mother relationship without any work.

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You do you. You don't owe either of them a relationship if you don't want to. Try speaking to dad explaining that it is what daughter wants to do, and maybe look at family counseling to make sure that you all can deal with this sensitive emotional estate the best way possible.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Your daughter is an adult. If she wants to have contact with you, she has every right to make that decision for herself.

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nippitybibble − NTA for letting her in your life, but YWBTA if you continue to behave the way you have since the conflict with her father. You need to tell her what happened, apologize for avoiding her, and let her know you're happy to have a relationship with her but have no wish to interfere in her relationship with her father and avoid discussing him or his family if at all possible.

_sleepy_bitch_ − NTA. She reached out to you, and I imagine she understandably wants more information about you.. Also, isn't she 18? It's not her fathers call anymore.

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These Reddit opinions spark debate, but do they capture the full nuance of Sarah’s choice? Some see her as honoring her daughter’s wishes, others warn against dodging the truth. What’s the real cost of those excuses?

Sarah’s story leaves us pondering the ripples of choices made long ago. Her daughter’s outreach opens a door, but the father’s anger slams it half-shut. By choosing honesty and dinner with her daughter, Sarah takes a brave step toward connection without claiming a role she relinquished. What would you do if a past decision knocked on your door? Share your thoughts—have you faced a reunion that stirred old promises? Let’s discuss how we balance loyalty with new beginnings.

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