WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?

Jonathan Hours
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In a cozy living room filled with the warmth of shared holidays and laughter, a woman’s generous heart led her to gift a life-changing present—a car worth thousands. For years, she’d woven herself into the fabric of her partner’s family, offering support with a smile, never expecting anything in return. But like a plot twist in a family drama, her kindness was met with an unexpected chill. Her future sister-in-law’s words cut deep, claiming the gifts were “too much,” leaving her stunned and questioning the bonds she’d built.

This tale isn’t just about a car; it’s about the delicate balance of generosity and boundaries. Readers might feel her sting of rejection, wondering how good intentions could unravel so fast. As she navigates this emotional minefield before her wedding, her story invites us to ponder: when does giving cross a line, and how do you mend a fraying family tie?

‘WIBTA for asking my future brother-in-law and his wife to return an expensive gift I gave them after they limit contact with me?’

I (35F) have been with my partner, Jamie (33M), for over six years and we’re getting married this fall. For most of our relationship, I’ve had a close bond with his brother, Matt (37M), and Matt’s wife, Claire (39F). We’ve shared holidays, dinners, hangouts, and I’ve always done what I could to support them, especially during hard times (I am the primary source of income).

About two months ago, I bought a new car and offered them my old car ($6.5k). It was still in good working condition and they accepted it so I fully transferred it over to them. It was a genuine gift, from a place of love and support, and I was happy to help because they relied 100% on public transportation.

Over the past years, I also gave small things, like household items, groceries, things for their kid… all meant kindly, never with any expectations. But now things have shifted. Claire recently initiated a conversation where she said the gifts and emotional support I offered had felt “too much, overwhelming” etc., and even went as far as saying she felt I was using them to fulfill my own emotional needs.

She said she no longer feels comfortable around me and wants to limit contact (i.e. don't text them unless they text first) and “slow down”. This completely blindsided me! I was never given any indication before that she felt this way. One example Claire brought up really confused me. They have a shy cat, Shadow, who hides whenever we visit.

We've never seen her in person and it became a running joke between me and Jamie that she 'might not actually exist'; a reference to the M&M Christmas commercial (“He does exist!”). Claire said she found that joke offensive, like we were mocking a traumatized animal. That felt like a major overreaction to something lighthearted and affectionate.

Now here’s the part that’s really been weighing on me: Claire and Matt have made it clear they don’t want any more gifts or support and that our relationship needs distance. Gifts for their kid are okay. And they’re still happy to keep the car I gave them… something that came from a time when our relationship was close, warm, and mutual.

To be clear, I haven’t asked for the car back. But I’ve been thinking about sending a message, not demanding anything, but pointing out the emotional disconnect: that they’ve rejected ongoing support, suggested past support was not genuine yet have no issue keeping such a significant gift: the car. I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.

Jamie is supportive of whatever decision I make, but he’s worried this might further rupture things with his family. His mom also relies on Matt and Claire for transportation to our wedding, and he’s concerned that asking for the car back… or even just bringing it up… might make that more complicated.. So… WIBTA for wanting to ask them to reflect on this? Or even possibly asking for the car back?

Gift-giving can feel like a warm hug, but for some, it’s a heavy blanket. The OP’s situation reveals a clash of intentions—her generosity met with discomfort from her in-laws. She saw her gifts as love; they felt overwhelmed, perhaps burdened by an unspoken debt. This tension highlights a common family dynamic where differing love languages collide, leaving both sides misunderstood.

The broader issue is the social weight of gift-giving. A 2023 study from the Journal of Consumer Psychology notes that excessive gifts can create “reciprocity pressure,” making recipients feel indebted or inferior (Source). For Matt and Claire, the car—while practical—may have amplified feelings of dependency, especially as the OP is the primary earner.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, says, “Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, not obligation” (source: The Gottman Institute, 2023). His perspective suggests Claire’s request for boundaries may stem from a need to reclaim autonomy. The OP’s urge to question the car’s retention risks escalating this, as it could seem like scorekeeping rather than dialogue.

Instead, the OP could respect the boundary, halting gifts and focusing on open communication post-wedding. A heartfelt note acknowledging Claire’s feelings might rebuild trust.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s got opinions spicier than a family reunion potluck! From cheers for the OP’s big heart to warnings about gift-giving optics, the community’s takes are a rollercoaster of empathy and tough love. Check out their thoughts below, and decide for yourself: are they onto something, or just stirring the pot?

Danger_Muffin28 − NTA for feeling upset and confused, but might potentially be TAH if you demand the car back or try to force a discussion before everyone has had a chance to settle down a bit. If the car was indeed meant as a “genuine gift”, then no you shouldn’t ask for it back. As you said, it was given during better times in the relationship. Now the dynamic of the relationship has changed per *their* request.

So it would be appropriate to just do a NO GIFTS policy with them going forward. I also think that it’s probably best to leave things where they lie and not ask for further clarification so this doesn’t breakdown any further before your wedding. Give it some time and see if a discussion between all of you can happen at a later time.. ETA: Wow, this blew up fast! Love seeing all the replies!

Youwhooo60 − To ask for the car back, you would be TA.. It was a gift you gave w/pure intentions.. Claire is the one with the problem, not you. For Claire say she's *uncomfortable receiving gifts* is a bunch of BS. If she's so uncomfortable, then she can say, 'No thank you.'.

Don't give them another damn thing. And scale back on what you give their children. And even if they change their tune about being uncomfortable, say, 'Oh great! I'm glad your comfortable!' But cut that gravy train completely off.. Sheesh. Some people!

rockology_adam − YTA. I know where you're coming from, but even asking the question makes me wonder if Claire has a point. If you give a gift, it comes with no strings. You, as the giver, don't get some kind of standing from it. From the sounds of it, you've been giving A LOT of things to their household. They have to wonder if you see them as a charity case.

They have to wonder if you see them as a trash d**p. They're older than you, but they have to wonder if you see them as immature since you're always passing them hand-me-downs. Asking for the car back just makes it readily apparent that you gave gifts for the standing it gave you, and not for the usefulness they could find in in.

The OPTICS of it are, from your side of it, ingracious. They're too good for the small things you've been giving them, but not too good for the car. But I want you to think about it in terms of what I wrote in my second paragraph/section. There should be no need to repeatedly give gifts to an adult household who are stable and making it on their own.

Doing so carries a stigma of judgement, whether you consciously feel it or not. I am curious as to why this is coming as a contact limit and not just an object limit. There should have been a stop somewhere between the gifts and limiting contact, and I have to wonder if there was and you missed it.

Whether there was or not, you're here, and you need to respect their request. Don't mention the car. Let it go, and keep any thoughts or judgements about that inside your own head. Vent to your husband. Vent to friends if you need to, and don't share social circles with Claire. But let it be for now.

secretlywicker − YWBTA. You gave them a gift out of love. Just stop giving gifts. It hurts when people provide boundaries that feel unfair, but she expressed discomfort. I've been in her shoes and it's hard to look at gift horse in the mouth, but even harder to tell someone it feels very uncomfortable and guilt inducing to always accept gifts you can never return in kind.

Give her some space. She may just be uncomfortable and not have the right words to navigate it; it sounds like she just feels guilty that she's getting so much she didn't ask for and feels love bombed. We live in a culture where it can be hard to tell what is love bombing and what is just a person doing something kind; the world is less trusting and more transaction-based than ever.

CrimsonKnight_004 − YTA - It might be time for *you* to do some self-reflection. Yes, you sound like a generous person, but ask where that comes from. Is it more to fulfill your own emotional needs? A savior complex? Or just genuinely having gift-giving as your love language? Try to see how constant gifts, especially expensive ones, *can* feel overwhelming and smothering.

She’s clearly communicated this to you now, so it’s time for you to take a step back and try to analyze how exactly you’re coming off with this. Also, that car is theirs! Using it to emotionally guilt trip them would be an AH move, and you can’t ask them to give it back because it’s *theirs.* It is no longer yours, you have no more right asking them to give that car back than you would asking a random Tom,

D**k, or Harry off the street to give you their car. It’s not your car! Reaching out to give this message would also be *blatantly* disrespecting what she asked of you. Don’t text them until they text you! Respect that. Maybe you overwhelm with texts as well as gifts, or you should take more time to think things through before impulsively texting them.

starchy2ber − I would feel exactly the way you do, but I don't think anything good will come out of calling her out. Her getting upset about the cat comment shows that she's grasping at straws for reasons you are the bad guy. Likely, they are embarrassed that you are more successful/generous.

They don't want to spend time with you because the contrast makes them feel bad about themselves. Maybe the kids are always excited to see you because you're fun and bring great gifts and that's sparked jealousy as well. Maybe you are having the wedding that SIL always dreamed of, but didn't get, and that's making her spiteful.

I'd just keep them at arms length unless they apologize independently and make amends. You are going to have to see these people from time to time at family gatherings. It's only going to lead to more awkwardness if you bring up the car. YWBTA for bringing unnecessary headaches into your life.

KrofftSurvivor − NTA I wouldn't ask for it back, but I would send her a note asking if the car was over the top, and if she would prefer that you took it back.. If she actually gives back the car, then I would say her issue is genuine, and she's very uncomfortable.

If she gets upset about you asking if she wants to give back the car - then she's just being a problem on purpose. At that point - cut off all gifts, as requested-  no, do not send gifts to the children, no, do not send gifts to the parents, no, do not help them in any way, shape or form.. Either they will learn to stand on their own two feet, or she will apologize.

BoobySlap_0506 − YWBTA if you ask for them to return the car to you. Here's what you can do: 'I'm sorry if I have made you uncomfortable with my gifts. I enjoy your friendship and will respect if you prefer that I do not continue giving so many gifts' then accept the boundary and stop the gifting. You gave them what you have given, don't ask for it back but if you want to salvage this it cannot continue.

If they choose to limit contact anyway, that is their decision but don't push the issue and cause more stress before the wedding. Just try to accept it and move on with your life. If you love gifting, there will be other people in your life who will appreciate and allow it. Not everybody likes that, and that's ok.

Ravenmn − 'I want to ask them to reflect on what that means.' Did you really write this? You are very condescending. You are positive you know more than they do and they need you to teach them a lesson. I see two potential problems. You are the breadwinner, not your husband. This isn't something a sibling is doing. This is a sibling's more wealthy spouse doing it.

Which makes it extremely hard to refuse if you'd prefer to be on a more equal footing. They needed a car and could not reasonably refuse your 'gift'. A $6.5 gift is outrageous for most people in the world. Did you even consider setting up a payment plan or a skill swap so they can pay for the car over time?

Look up 'toxically generous.' I found the term in a google search while I was writing this. It can see what you've been doing wrong but it sounds like you cannot. So learn about it and see if you can build more equal and respectful relationships in the future.

myarta − OP, I really want you to consider whether there may be 'missing reasons' here that you haven't observed. You mentioned being 'blindsided' about being asked to slow down and being told that your gifts are 'overwhelming'. You also mentioned that Claire saying she found the joke about her cat offensive was a 'major overreaction'.

I'm not getting the sense you have a lot of empathy for Claire, and I suspect there were a number of times she tried to communicate with you about your gift-giving and such and finally had to resort to direct words and a request for low contact.

That usually doesn't come out of the blue, so I would invite you to consider the alternative that she and Matt are not ungrateful but that something you are doing that puts a different look to the situation is being left out of this post because you are unaware of it.

Furthermore, considering attempting to take the gift of the car back just because you think it will teach them a lesson or send a message really shows to me that there may be more strings attached than you realize, since there's no reason to ever ask people to return the car in this situation unless you're mad they're not letting you get the emotional reaction and fulfillment you want when you engage in gift-giving.

Take Claire and Matt's words at face value and see if you can see their perspective.. Overall, YWBTA if you asked for the car back. This was good advice on how to handle a DnD dispute that you liked. I think you're in a #3 situation here with Claire if that helps understand the issue.

Not attempting to use the past against you or anything like that, I just saw this in the history when I was looking for further context and saw that u/crazy_cat_lord wrote it out better than I could.

These are Reddit’s hot takes, but do they cut through the drama or add fuel to the fire? One thing’s clear: family dynamics are never simple.

This story is a reminder that even the kindest gestures can hit a sour note in the family orchestra. The OP’s heart was in the right place, but boundaries are the sheet music everyone needs to play in tune. Whether she lets the car issue slide or opens a gentle conversation later, her challenge is keeping love louder than resentment. Have you ever had a gift backfire? What would you do in her shoes? Drop your thoughts below—let’s keep the family chat lively!

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