WIBTA (45M) for proving my friendship even if it costs my buddy his marriage?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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Picture a sunny Saturday on a sprawling golf course, where laughter and camaraderie have bound a tight-knit group of friends for two decades. Among them, a 45-year-old man, the lone bachelor, cherished the bonds forged over countless weekends and festive gatherings. But beneath the surface of this idyllic circle, a storm brewed. One woman’s flirtatious advances spiraled into a web of lies, leaving him ostracized and grappling with a moral dilemma.

Now, armed with evidence that could shatter a marriage, he stands at a crossroads: protect his reputation or preserve a friend’s fragile family? The sting of betrayal and the weight of truth collide in this tale, pulling readers into a drama where loyalty is tested, and secrets threaten to unravel lifelong friendships.

‘WIBTA (45m) for proving my friendship even if it costs my buddy his marriage?’

Here we go I have been in a group of friends (husbands, wives, kids) for almost 20 years. We started out as a neighborhood group and have grown bigger as our friendships have evolved and most of us have moved out of the original subdivision. We are adults 40-50 years old.

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The men play golf most every weekend and one evening during the week. Holidays and birthdays are big get-togethers with sometimes 50 people. I am currently the only unmarried person in the group (divorced in 2011). This is the sticky part.. ​

About 7-8 months ago, one of the women in the group named Cindy, started coming on to me. While flattered, I would never do anything as I like her husband Mike and have know her kids since they were preschoolers. It seemed like a little harmless flirting at first, but then it moved into some very direct propositioning.

She had her reasons for wanting to become s**ually involved and put a mild bit of pressure on me to begin an affair with her. One of the ways she pressured me was to text me racy pics and those soon moved to x-rated pics and videos. It really put me in an awkward spot and I told her that.

My response was that I found her attractive, but she was strictly off limits to me since she was married. Even if I didn't know her husband - I still would not have done anything. And I didn't.. ​ A few months ago, I found out that I had missed a few golf days and I just chalked it up to bad timing.

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Well....there was a huge 4th get together and I asked around about it and it seemed no one would own up to me not being invited. Apparently, there have been other events that I didn't know about and I wasn't invited there either.

I finally got some answers last night when I ran into a friend and her daughter at the grocery store. She would barely look at me when I spoke to her and her teenage daughter spilled the beans. Cindy was caught with the racy pics on her phone and 'confessed' to Mike that I had put her up to it and was pressuring her to have an affair.

Needless to say, I was stunned at this revelation. I thanked her for her honesty and went home and thought about it for a long time.. ​ I have saved every single text and pic. Last night I printed them all out.

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If I showed Mike 10% of what she said to me and what she sent to me - he might leave her. Meanwhile - I am pushed out of my friend group for doing what I thought was right. I told her at the beginning that this was heading down a road of hurt - but when she got to the painful part, she pushed me under the bus..

​UPDATE: I reached out to Mike and he texted me that he never wants to see or talk to me ever again. Some of you have suggested that I reach out to a leader in the group and I have done that - I will be meeting with another couple tonight. She is a gossip, so anything I show her or tell her will be public knowledge two hours after I leave their house. You get what you get.. ​

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UPDATE #2: It turns out that the whole group knows nothing, just a few. Mike and Cindy filed for divorce in January due to his infidelities and tried to keep it private. From my end, everything is good. It turns out that both or them are assholes.

Friendship groups are like delicate ecosystems—one wrong move can topple the balance. The 45-year-old man found himself ensnared when Cindy, a married friend, crossed boundaries with explicit messages, only to pin the blame on him when caught. His restraint in rejecting her advances was admirable, but his hesitation to immediately disclose her behavior left him vulnerable to her narrative. Now, excluded from his cherished group, he faces a choice that could redefine his social world.

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This scenario reflects a broader issue: the ripple effects of infidelity accusations in tight-knit circles. A 2018 study by the Institute for Family Studies found that 20% of men and 13% of women report having cheated on their spouse, often straining extended social networks. Cindy’s deception, and the group’s quick acceptance of her story, highlights how trust can erode under pressure.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, states, “Trust is built in very small moments, and betrayal can shatter it just as quickly”. Here, the man’s delay in addressing Cindy’s actions allowed her to control the narrative, costing him his place in the group. His instinct to now share the truth with Mike is valid but risky—Mike may reject the evidence to preserve his own peace.

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For resolution, he could meet Mike privately, presenting the texts calmly to avoid seeming vindictive. Online mediation resources, like those from the Gottman Institute, could guide a constructive conversation.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s got opinions hotter than a summer barbecue. Dive into the community’s take on this tangled mess:

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endlessmelodies1 - NTA. She lied to her husband to avoid the consequences. Not okay. Send the texts to him and show him the truth so he can decide what to do.

Topher1999 - NTA. You were absolutely set up. Mike will eventually find out his wife goes around, but it will be better if he finds out from a friend he can trust.

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StonerTigerMom - ESH - you should have told him from the very first picture, but he deserves to have the whole picture, especially if she’s misrepresenting how things went down. He still might not be friends with you out of embarrassment but that won’t be on you.

politicsmodsareweak - ESH, you did not do the right thing. You should have told her to stop or you would inform her husband. The first pic she sent you should have immediately blocked her number and informed her husband that his wife wanted to cheat on him.

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Instead you played along.. ​ You will never 'prove' your friendship and you might as well try to find a new friend group because in my experience whoever tells their story first wins among friend groups.

Chrysoptera - NTA. You should've ratted her out to Mike a long time ago.

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BiffyMcGillicutty1 - ESH. You kept a secret from your friend, the same one you want to prove your friendship to. The least you can do now is to tell him the truth, but you’re only doing it because he already knows something was up. Don’t believe for one second that you will be invited back into the group.

The husband was not the only one who didn’t invite you to events the last few weeks. Think about it this way - the whole group of them has had some sort of conversation about you and not one of them talked to you. Not one of these people thought that it didn’t sound like something you would do and reached out to ask you.

The group chose to keep the husband and wife over you. The husband may not believe you. He might not have believed you if you brought it to him earlier, but you would’ve had a much better shot. This isn’t necessarily because he thinks you’re a terrible person, it’s because believing you makes his life much harder.

You should still tell him so that he has your side and you tried, but it’s not likely to go well. But, what do you have to lose at this point? Once the wife started this behavior, there really wasn’t a way for your friendship with the husband to continue. Keeping it secret made it even worse.

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Your best bet for staying in the group is to tell the husband AND reach out to another guy in the group that you are close to. You will need to accept responsibility for not speaking up and be very sheepish and remorseful for the whole situation. It will feel wrong since you weren’t the instigator, but if you stand on your hill of righteous indignation, you will be alone.

centuryblessings - NTA, but you should have told Mike when Cindy first started escalating to sending racy photos/videos. You lost the opportunity to get in front of this whole mess.

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Freckled_daywalker - NTA mostly, because she lied about you, but be prepared for it not to change anything and for people to get mad at you. It sucks, but it's a lot easier for Mike if he believes his wife, and despite the fact that you're telling the truth, there will be people who are willing to believe you purposely blew up their marriage.

It's unfair, but this is why you shouldn't even entertain the idea of a flirtation with married person, especially not one in your social group. You're a bit of an a**hole for letting it get as far as you did with his wife, which is another reason this will likely not end well for you.

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OPtig - ESH. This happened to me once and I went straight to to the aggrevied wife and shared her husband's inappropriate messages. Instead you told the woman that you find her attractive and you'd hit that if it wasn't for her husband then kept the secret.

You missed your chance to do the right thing the first time and now you're complicit and vulnerable to her controlling the narrative. You're like Ned Stark trying to keep Joffery's parentage a secret.

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sephiroth3650 - ESH. The other wife, for obvious reasons. I'm putting some of this back on you for not saying something up front about it. Yes, you ultimately chose to not hook up with her. And you did tell her to stop. But how long did you let it go on with her sending you racy pics and x rated videos?

I feel like you should have blocked her from the get go. Or told her to stop or you'd tell her husband. I know if I was this husband, even if you told me the truth, I'd still be pissed off at you. It wouldn't save our friendship.

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I do think you should tell him the truth, though. Even if it doesn't salvage his friendship with you, it gives him all the correct info with respect to deciding what his plans are with his wife, be it reconciliation or divorce.

These spicy takes beg the question: do they cut through the drama or just add fuel to the fire?

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This tale is a stark reminder that truth can be a double-edged sword, slicing through lies but risking cherished bonds. The man’s loyalty to his friend clashed with a web of deceit, leaving him to weigh justice against chaos. If you were in his shoes, would you reveal the truth, even if it meant losing everything? Share your thoughts—how do you balance honesty with loyalty in a friend group?

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