Why does my (41f) partner (46m) refuse to give me access to household security cameras?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a quiet small-town neighborhood, where deer roam and packages land softly on doorsteps, a woman feels a chill that has nothing to do with the evening breeze. Living in a cozy home with her young daughter and partner of eight years, she’s begun to notice the ever-watchful eyes of security cameras—silent sentinels her partner obsesses over. His refusal to share access, paired with a separate door code for himself, stirs a cocktail of distrust and unease, leaving her to wonder: is he protecting the house or monitoring her every step?

This tale of domestic tension, plucked from Reddit’s vibrant AITA community, unravels a modern dilemma where technology meets trust. As she navigates life alone with her child during his frequent work trips, her simple request for camera access spirals into a deeper question about control, privacy, and partnership. Let’s dive into her story and see what’s really at stake.

‘Why does my (41f) partner (46m) refuse to give me access to household security cameras?’

We’ve been together 8 years, lived together for 6, share a child and a home. We moved to a new house with a yard about three years ago and he loves this house more than anything. He’s put security cameras all around the exterior of the home pointing in all directions, and even has one in the garage and they’re motion activated - and send the recording to the cloud.

At least one of them has the ability to record sound. He’s away for work for extended periods of time - 1-3 weeks usually. And recently, after noticing ANOTHER new camera outside I mentioned I’d like to also have access to the recordings since I’m home alone with our child and what if I hear something etc while he’s overseas and I can’t see what’s going on outside.

We live in a safe neighborhood in a small town, to my knowledge (when he talks about it) there’s mostly just wildlife caught on these cameras such as bear, dear, cougars, and neighbours walking their dogs, etc. or someone coming to the door to drop off package.

He refuses to give me access and says that it would just complicate things and we’d end up fighting over it or some weird reason. It honestly doesn’t make sense to me. He can see my every move via these cameras and if I had access I’d feel better about that. But he refuses. We have a front door keypad instead of a typical lock with key.

I also learned, about two years after moving into our home, that he uses a different door code than me and my daughter. He says there’s one main one (the one he uses) and one for everyone else (basically my daughter and I). He can see when the codes have been used each time - there’s a log that’s kept. My first impressions of both of these scenarios are feelings of distrust and confusion.

Maybe I’m sensing that he doesn’t trust me and I’m picking up on that? Confusion because who the hell thinks this way? What’s going on in his mind? But it stresses me out and I’d prefer to believe he’s just being cautious and protective of THE HOUSE, not controlling of ME. Curious to know how this comes across to others…

Relationships thrive on trust, but when security cameras become gatekeepers of secrecy, things get murky. This woman’s partner’s refusal to share camera access raises red flags about control and transparency. According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, “Trust is built in very small moments, and withholding access to shared spaces erodes it” (The Gottman Institute). His words cut to the heart of this issue: denying access to household tools signals a power imbalance.

From the woman’s perspective, she seeks safety while alone with her daughter, a reasonable request in a shared home. Her partner’s vague excuse—that sharing access would “complicate things”—feels like a dodge, possibly masking control or hidden motives. His separate door code, tracking entries, further tilts the dynamic, suggesting he prioritizes surveillance over partnership. This isn’t just about cameras; it’s about agency in a shared life.

Zooming out, this story reflects a broader issue: technology’s role in relationships. A 2021 study by Pew Research found that 41% of Americans have experienced some form of digital monitoring in relationships (Pew Research Center). When tools like cameras are used to control rather than protect, they can erode trust. Here, the partner’s secrecy risks alienating his family, turning a home into a surveillance state.

For solutions, open communication is key. The woman could calmly express how his actions make her feel monitored, citing specific concerns like the door code log. If he resists, couples counseling could help unpack his motives. Resources like The National Domestic Violence Hotline offer guidance on recognizing controlling behaviors.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit’s hive mind didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of suspicion and sass. Here’s a peek at the community’s hot takes:

Responsible-Stick-50 − He won't give you access because they're also inside and you don't know yet.

Herdnerfer − There is no valid reason you shouldn’t have access to cameras in your own damn house. I’d just start covering them all up while he is gone until he gives you access to them. If you can’t use them, no one can.

Princess-She-ra − He's monitoring your every move because he doesn't trust you. OR. He's doing something when you're not around and he doesn't want you to see . Or both. Like others suggested, I would cover up the cameras (of course that's assuming you know where all the cameras are). . This is creepy 

Sea-Still5427 − It sounds like he's monitoring you, and I wonder what else that might include - a tracker on your car, does he check your phone location, texts and call records, are there hidden cameras you don't know about, for example. That might not be for control reasons; he could be suffering from paranoia.

Veridical_Perception − As others have noted, he's using the cameras to monitor your coming and going. He's not being protective of the house. The other reason he won't give you access is that HE is doing something that he doesn't want you to be able to see. As is frequently the case, the reason people don't trust their partners is projection. He doesn't trust you because he's doing something he shouldn't and the cameras would show you that.

Nani65 − He doesn't give you access because:. 1. there is something on there he does not want you to see; or. 2. there are cameras installed that you don't know about, such as in the shower or in your bedroom. Note that if there are bedroom/bathroom cameras, he could be uploading the footage to porn sites. Either way this is seriously creepy and controlling, and he is gaslighting you to the max.

[Reddit User] − You're being monitored, not the house.

Final_Technology104 − OP, at night with all the lights off and be in complete darkness, take your smartphone and turn the camera on.. Look at the camera as you pace the house.. Now, walk around every room, including the bathrooms. Point your camera lens from ceiling to floor.. What you want to look for are any small pin sized lights that show up.

You can test this by taking your tv remote, point it at you phone as if your taking a pic. Hit the on button several times. On my DirectV remote in complete darkness I see two reddish pupils lights flash as I hit the remote.. This is what you want to look for.

The reason why he didn’t want to give you access to”because it would Complicate Things” would be if he’s hidden cameras Inside the house without your knowledge. That would Really complicate things for Him should you find this out.. Point your phone everywhere. Even in wall sockets, up at the bathroom fan, smoke detectors, etc.. What you’re looking for are hidden cameras.. THIS is most likely why he doesn’t want to give you access to the security cameras.. 

Piilootus − This comes across 100% controlling and like he's monitoring you. Extremely toxic and really sneaky behaviour. Why does he need his own code? That's really weird to me. Why does he need to be able to see when you or your daughter came in?

Why exactly would it get complicated if you had access to the cameras? Or if things would get complicated why not just switch the person in charge of the monitoring. Usually you don't need to check that super often anyways.

ohmydearlucia − I'd put money on him having hidden cameras inside the house and a tracker on your car.

These Redditors smell something fishy, but do their theories hold water? Are hidden cameras or ulterior motives at play, or is this just a case of overzealous home security?

This story leaves us teetering between caution and curiosity. Is the partner a control freak, a paranoid protector, or hiding something darker? One thing’s clear: trust is the real casualty here. Readers, what would you do if your partner locked you out of your home’s security system? Have you ever felt watched in your own space? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this domestic drama together.

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