[UPDATE] my wife said something strange about her ex, and it’s really getting to me (I’m 31M, she’s 31F)?

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In a quiet bedroom lit by the soft glow of a bedside lamp, a husband sat brooding, his heart heavy with doubt. Days earlier, his wife, Abby, had let slip a tipsy comment about her ex, Brock, praising his “beautiful feet” while playfully dissing her husband’s as “gross.” That quirky jab, layered over past wistful remarks about Brock, stung deeper than Abby realized, stirring jealousy in a man who thought their marriage was rock-solid.

This isn’t just a tale of foot-related faux pas; it’s a raw, relatable story of love tested by insecurity and healed through courage. The husband’s decision to confront Abby, detailed in a heartfelt update, unveils a conversation that turned pain into connection. As they navigate the shadows of Abby’s abusive past, their story offers a beacon for anyone wrestling with doubts in love’s delicate dance.

For those who want to read the previous part: My wife said something strange about her ex, and it’s really getting to me (I’m 31M, she’s 31F)?

‘[UPDATE] my wife said something strange about her ex, and it’s really getting to me (I’m 31M, she’s 31F)?’

TL;DR my wife occasionally talks about her ex as though she misses him, and then the other night she said he was the only guy she ever knew with beautiful feet. (Yeah, weird... But also hurtful towards me and my n**ty feet.) So I actually tried to post this the very next morning, while replies to my first post were still streaming in, because I talked to Abby almost immediately and consider the issue largely settled.

Automod deleted it so I've had to wait a couple days. In hindsight I'm glad I've had to wait because it gave me more time to consider the responses I received.. First of all, I wanted to thank everyone who responded yesterday. Unfortunately I did receive a bit of bizarre advice-- a number of users called my wife an 'alpha widow', still others told me to divorce her immediately because she MUST be cheating.

I had a few users calling my wife a b**ch. This was a sobering reminder that anonymous internet people don't understand the nuances of my marriage, and people tend to project their own insecurities onto other people's situations. So I'd advise anyone considering posting here-- use discretion in what advice you take.

(Just to get ahead of some of the speculation, Brock has lived in South Korea for two years, he is prohibited by a court order from contacting Abby, and I have open access to her DMs anyway. If she were cheating, I'd be the first to know.) I also received some great advice about 'trauma bonding' and recovering from abusive exes. These responses were the most helpful.. All this said, here's what I posted about that night:

I was sitting on the bed last night, just kind of brooding, when Abby came in. She sat on the bed next to me and looked at me. She must have known something was up because I haven't been myself these last few days and our bedroom has been dead since the feet comment. Abby asked me if everything was okay. I gave her a weary smile and said no, I suppose not.

She frowned and asked if we could talk about it. I sighed heavily and was quiet for a few moments. Abby didn't look nervous or defensive, she looked genuinely concerned. So I figured she must not be aware of how hurtful her Brock comments have been, and I should just be honest. I started by asking if she was willing to be 100% honest with me. She said that she was.

So then I asked if she's happy being married to me, and if she'd prefer being with someone else instead. She seemed a little taken aback by the question and said she would never dream of marrying someone else. My voice was shaking the whole time and Abby looked like she was ready to cry, too.

Finally I lay everything out. I tell Abby that a few nights ago, we were talking about feet, and she had said that my feet were gross, but Brock's feet were 'beautiful.' I said maybe it sounds really silly and dumb but that comment made me feel really ugly and it broke my heart.

(She gasped and started crying at this point.) I said there's been a few other times where she mentioned Brock and acted like she really missed him, because she sounded enamored when she talked about him. I said I think that Brock was probably a lot more attractive than me and she would have preferred staying with him over me.

Abby cried for long time before she was able to say anything. It was probably only two minutes but it felt like forever. She said she didn't realize that she was mentioning Brock that way and upsetting me so much. She said she couldn't imagine marrying anyone else but me. I said 'Even though I'm uglier than Brock?' and she started crying again, like really bawling.

After she pulled herself together again she admitted that Brock was a very attractive man, and that she had been infatuated with him. (It seemed extremely difficult for her to get those words out.) But Brock had also been controlling and incredibly cruel. She never felt safe or at ease with him, but she did feel safe with me.

She said she had married ME, and wanted children with ME, and that she had never even dreamed of marrying Brock, let alone having kids with him.. Then we talked about some deeper more personal stuff that I'd rather not go into here.. I did mention some of the trauma bonding stuff that some Redditors had mentioned last night, and Abby admitted that she had felt addicted to the drama while she was with Brock.

She agreed to talk with her counselor about her unresolved issues with that past relationship. The conversation took well over an hour and we both cried a lot. But I did feel much better afterwards. We cuddled for a while before I joked that I guess Abby was stuck with my n**ty feet for life.

She took my head in her hands and said she thought I had the most beautiful feet in the world, because they were mine. We made out and made love for the first time in a week. Maybe that's TMI but I figured a lot of folks here would appreciate a happy ending.

So, I guess the issue is largely settled. I do think that maybe I overreacted a little, but my feelings at being (inadvertently) made to feel less attractive were real. I'm glad I didn't second guess my emotions and suppress them.. Thank you to everyone who offered advice in the original thread. It seems the situation has been resolved.

Abby’s foot comment might sound like a quirky misstep, but it sliced into her husband’s confidence, exposing fears of not measuring up to her charismatic ex. The update, where he lays bare his hurt, shows vulnerability as a superpower in marriage. Abby’s tears and reassurance—she chose him, not Brock—turned a rift into a bridge. But why do past loves cast such long shadows, and how can couples move forward?

This scenario reflects a universal truth: exes can haunt even the happiest relationships. Abby’s remarks, likely tied to trauma bonding from Brock’s abusive control, weren’t meant to wound, yet they did. Dr. Esther Perel, a leading relationship therapist, says, “The past is not just the past; it’s a lens through which we see the present” . The husband’s courage to speak up aligns with Perel’s call for honest dialogue to rebuild trust.

Zooming out, insecurity affects 60% of couples, often tied to ex-partners, per a 2023 study (Psychology Today). Abby’s trauma may explain her wistful tone, while her husband’s desire to be “the best” is a common ache. Their solution? Talk it out. Abby’s commitment to therapy is a step forward, and her husband could benefit from exploring his insecurities with a counselor too.

For readers, the lesson is clear: don’t let doubts fester. Voice them with care, as this couple did, and consider professional support. Small gestures—like Abby’s playful claim that her husband’s feet are “beautiful” because they’re his—can heal wounds.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit hive mind buzzed with reactions, from cheers for the couple’s honesty to wild theories about Abby’s loyalty. Some offered gems of wisdom, while others… let’s just say they missed the mark. Dive into the community’s spicy takes below—equal parts heartfelt and chaotic.

Vuriosu − Holy smokes this is such a great update. You both handled it really well, I'm glad nothing bad came of it. I hope that things will continue to go smoothly for you two for the rest of your days together. I think it's amazing that you both were able to tell each other what's wrong, express emotions, and make joke of it afterwards etc.

You don't need to be the best in every way for her, because in the end she is very happy wihh you and she is choosing you over anyone else despite any imperfections you got and that's possibly the best thtere already is.

puka0804 − Well. Who cares about looks if you’re the best in every other possible way. For me, my ex’s probably aren’t the best looking to most. But I don’t love someone for looks. But their looks definitely grow on me and I see zero faults in how they look. Your personality will ALWAYS be better than Brocks beautiful feet(insert gag here)

Zay_Luph − I'm glad you didn't jump straight to divorce like Reddit often encourages.

[Reddit User] − Thank you for sharing the update.

ganjafinch − After surviving abuse, being safe & in love is the best thing she's ever had. Believe me.

killahkrysti − Look, here's how I view it. I felt the same about my ex, he's definitely attractive, but I did have more attractive exes. When he would bring up his physical flaws I would say its like when a parent gets a kid's first art project. It may not be perfect, but when it comes from your kid you'd rather have that over the mona lisa any day, its the most beautiful piece of art in the world. People are like that too.

Maybe you could go to therapy too, it's a bit toxic and an unrealistic expectation to be the best at EVERYTHING in your wife's life and that probably puts a lot of stress on her if she can't be honest or needs to feed your ego.

sodarnclever − I just need to point out that “attractive” isn’t just about looks. It’s about personality, it’s about how we we make others feel, it’s about shared values. You may not look like this Brock dude, you may not be conventionally attractive- but with all your qualities combined you are far more “attractive” than he is to your wife.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s not a competition. Stop comparing what you look like to someone else, if you’re being your best every day what more could your partner ever want?

nervousTO − First, in relation to your edit, I want to ask you these two questions: is Abby the most physically attractive women you've ever slept with? If you think so now, did you think so at the start?. Second, I want to raise two points: 1) what's most important to her: I'm single/hetero/female and I've dated me of all attractiveness levels (to me).

Sure, it would be nice to end up with someone I find unbelievably sexy, but we all age out of good looks in the end. What will always be most important to me in a partner is commitment and security, the kinds of qualities Abby values about you.

2) how you can improve (if you want to): If you want to be more physically attractive for Abby, there are loads of ways to 'max out' the qualities you were born with. Have you ever seen Queer Eye? Even just a makeover of your hair, wardrobe, personality can do so much.

I'd encourage you to watch an episode and see the difference. And that's without hitting the gym and getting in better shape. I don't know what you look like, but just wanted to throw that out there.

zabaci − `All this said, here's what I posted about that night:` `I was sitting on the bed last night, just kind of brooding, when Abby came in. She sat on the bed next to me and looked at me. She must have known something was up because I haven't been myself these last few days and our bedroom has been dead since the feet comment.

Abby asked me if everything was okay. I gave her a weary smile and said no, I suppose not. She frowned and asked if we could talk about it. I sighed heavily and was quiet for a few moments. Abby didn't look nervous or defensive, she looked genuinely concerned. So I figured she must not be aware of how hurtful her Brock comments have been, and I should just be honest.`. fake as pokemon.... It was like reading a story not a something real person written

MakeATacoRun − This is a great update and you two seem to be on the right road. But don't get complacent. She's gonna talk to her therapist about this, which is good. Maybe you should see one as well just to get through whatever you need to get through.

Do these Reddit hot takes hold water, or are they just internet popcorn? One thing’s sure: the crowd loves a good love story with a side of drama.

Abby and her husband transformed a stinging comment into a chance to deepen their bond, proving that love shines brightest in honest moments. Their story reminds us that even small remarks can spark big feelings, but courage and communication can mend the cracks. Whether it’s a weird ex-related quip or a deeper insecurity, talking it out is the key. Have you ever had to clear the air with a partner? What worked? Spill your thoughts below!

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