[UPDATE] Mom thinks our relationship could be better. I’m happy where it’s at but don’t know how to tell her.

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The phone call was inevitable, like a storm cloud that’s been looming for weeks. For this 28-year-old woman, facing her mother’s request for a “better relationship” felt like stepping into a familiar ring—one where old wounds and new hopes collide. Her mother, freshly sober and untangling a messy divorce, yearns for a cozy, connected bond, but the daughter’s heart carries the weight of a childhood steeped in neglect, sharp words, and broken trust. This update, shared on Reddit, reveals her bold stand: a conversation where she drew a line in the sand, refusing to budge.

Picture her, phone in hand, voice steady but pulse racing, as she navigates her mother’s probing questions. The Reddit community’s advice armed her with clarity, and now her story unfolds with raw honesty. Can she hold her ground while her mom grapples with the truth? Let’s dive into this emotional showdown and see how it played out.

For those who want to read the previous part: Mom thinks our relationship could be better. I’m happy where it’s at but don’t know how to tell her.

‘[UPDATE] Mom thinks our relationship could be better. I’m happy where it’s at but don’t know how to tell her.’

No one asked for this update, but I guess I wanted to give some of you 'told you so' rights? I was able to use bits and pieces from almost every comment. From preparing myself for it to not go well/needing to hang up on her, to making sure I didn't fall into the trap of explaining/listing out past incidents.

I basically said the following: 'I'm happy for \[list of accomplishments she's had\]. Unfortunately none of that erases 20+ years of lack of support and actions by you that clearly indicated I wasn't a priority. I'm not looking for explanations nor apologies. I've worked hard to make my peace with it, and I've worked hard to get our relationship to a point where I can maintain my mental health and have you in my life.

So when you say it could be better, in my mind it's right where it needs to be. If that's to change at all, I have some boundaries that **need** to be followed: \[list of boundaries, some specific but two big ones of *Respect my boundaries* and *Respect when I say 'No'*\]. If you want us to talk more, I'm happy to pick up the phone.

You have every right to ask things from me, but have to respect when the answer isn't what you want to hear.'. First question was if I thought our relationship was better before my stepdad came around - No. Next was asking for examples when she didn't support me. I told her she'd have to do some reflecting because she was there for the same events I was, and it's not fair to me to ask for that emotional labor.

She said she had done 'lots' of reflection and couldn't see it 'until \[stepdad\] came into the picture'. She pushed a couple more times for examples. 'Is it because I missed some events *your dad* was at?' She stopped when I called her out the second time for deflecting responsibility for her actions.

I told her multiple times during this portion that she doesn't have to remember/own up to anything, but she does have to live with the consequences. Her last question was, 'Is there any way we could ever push past this all?' I told her this is what 'past this all' looks like. She pushed back a little bit, but when it was clear that I wasn't moving an inch, the call ended with 'Well, thank you. You've given me a lot to think about.'

None of her questions or responses were any indication she was worried that I was hurt. She was trying to find justifications I might listen to, anything to poke holes. There was part of me that wondered if she always recognized how much n**lect there was and just didn't want to face it, but claiming 'lots' of reflection and not having a single incident come to mind that didn't involve blaming someone else answered that question.

While she was 'calm' while she tried to respond, her tone was very tense. Worst case here she continues to try to push boundaries and I cut off contact and it's one less stress in life, best case she respects them and it's one less stress in my life (I know this is likely a case of she'll respect them until she doesn't). The important thing for me was that I was up front with her and set clear boundaries.

I've done my due diligence to telling her how our relationship could 'change' (I used 'change' instead of 'improve' very intentionally with my mother). I'm relieved. Ball's in her court and I have some answers. Thanks again for the advice, sharing of your own experiences, and encouragement. It gave me the confidence and a plan for that phone call..

Edit: some typos Edit 2: I'm relatively new to posting on Reddit so forgive any etiquette missteps please. First, thank you to the kind strangers for the awards! My first. Second, thank you to everyone that commented. I'm both happy and saddened that I'm not alone. I appreciate the perspectives that everyone brought; it gave me some new things to consider.

Third, thank you for the recommendations for groups, books, resources! I fully recognize this is just one step in a lot to finding peace and have some reading to do. Good luck to everyone who's going through something similar, whether it's family or friends. Stay strong!

Navigating a parent’s plea for reconciliation after years of hurt is like walking a tightrope over a canyon of unresolved pain. This daughter’s firm stance—acknowledging her mother’s progress but refusing to shoulder emotional labor—shows remarkable strength. Her mother’s deflections, like blaming her ex-husband, hint at a reluctance to face her role in their fractured bond.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist specializing in narcissistic behavior, explains, “When a parent demands examples of their past wrongs, it’s often a tactic to deflect accountability or rewrite history” (source). Here, the mother’s insistence on specifics burdens her daughter with reliving trauma, a dynamic the OP wisely sidesteps. Her use of “change” instead of “improve” cleverly reframes the conversation, prioritizing her agency.

This situation reflects a broader issue: the pressure to forgive family despite unaddressed harm. A 2022 survey by the National Alliance on Mental Illness found that 35% of adults struggle to set boundaries with family due to guilt or societal norms (NAMI source). The OP’s approach—clear boundaries without justification—offers a model for others.

Advice: She could maintain her stance by scheduling limited, predictable calls (e.g., once a month) to manage contact while reinforcing boundaries (Therapy resources). If her mother pushes, a calm “I’ve said what I need” can shut down debates.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit brought the heat with cheers and shared stories, serving up a mix of pride and practical tips. Here’s what the community weighed in with:

sweadle − I've had this same conversation with my dad. He knows there is something to repair, but he wants examples just so he can argue with me about them. When he says things like this; 'She pushed a couple more times for examples. 'Is it because I missed some events your dad was at?'

I tell him 'that sounds like work you need to do in therapy. I can't help you work to an understanding of your actions when I'm the one that was impacted by them.' He won't go to therapy, but I refuse to conduct therapy with him. So we are very low contact now.

evanik303 − Good for you!! Setting boundaries with parents is hard work, sometimes the hardest work we will do and you did it kindly, directly, and firmly. I hope you can pat yourself on the back and find a way to reward yourself!!

Dvfu2f − Next was asking for examples when she didn't support me. I told her she'd have to do some reflecting because she was there for the same events I was, and it's not fair to me to ask for that emotional labor. She said she had done 'lots' of reflection and couldn't see it 'until [stepdad] came into the picture'. She pushed a couple more times for examples. 'Is it because I missed some events your dad was at?'

She stopped when I called her out the second time for deflecting responsibility for her actions. I told her multiple times during this portion that she doesn't have to remember/own up to anything, but she does have to live with the consequences. Wow!! This is fantastic, I almost want to send it to other support subs to sticky on top. You really couldn’t have handled her better.

literarylilly − What you did took guts. Kudos from this internet stranger. Its hard to be in the position you're in, and you handled it well. Stay strong, and good luck.

histrionicsprofessor − Holy moly you’ve got some amazing emotional intelligence. Next was asking for examples when she didn't support me. I told her she'd have to do some reflecting because she was there for the same events I was, and it's not fair to me to ask for that emotional labor.. This is amazing and I’m stealing it

laceration_barbie − As someone who has had to set difficult boundaries with parents who don't get it, I just had to comment. I am so damn **proud** of you! What you did was so hard and took so much self-love and strength. I hope you recognize your efforts,

and the amazing way you're protecting yourself while still being honest about your feelings. If you can carry this method of handling conflict forward in your life, you'll be the most successful version of yourself. I'd love to offer you anonymous but supportive internet stranger hugs. <3

tillwehavefaces − Good job on being gentle but firm! I'm impressed.

window_pain − I have saved this post for my future discussion of this with my own mother. This is the closest thing I have read that matches exactly what I have gone through. The only difference is that she and my bio dad have stayed together, which makes it tricky for saving my relationship with my dad.

All other stories I’ve read with narcissistic parents have them splitting up with their “normal” SO. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am very proud of you for maintaining your assertiveness and enforcing the boundaries you need to stay on top of mental health.

That is so much easier said than done, and I am so happy for you. Hopefully it’s not weird for an internet stranger to say lol. I hope only the best for you in the coming years, and that you are able to continue holding your own 💕

mrbuddhawannabe − Wow. Good for you! That must have been very difficult. I am impressed how you handled such a conversation so clearly, with focus and held to your talking points without getting sucked into her version, etc. Thanks for sharing.

mahtrowaway − This was a very difficult thing and you handled it exceptionally well.

These responses, from heartfelt kudos to savvy boundary hacks, light up the thread—but do they hold all the answers?

This daughter’s story is a masterclass in reclaiming power without malice. By setting boundaries with her mother, she’s not just protecting her peace—she’s rewriting what family can mean. Her mother’s tense tone and deflections suggest a long road ahead, but the ball’s in her court now. This saga sparks a question: How do you balance compassion with self-preservation when family ties tangle? Drop your thoughts below—what’s your take on navigating these murky waters?

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