[UPDATE] I [36M] surprised wife [32F] by coming home early only to find another man [21?M] in our home late(…)?

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A 36-year-old man’s attempt to rebuild trust in his eight-year marriage falters as new discoveries—a cryptic journal entry and a troubling text—reignite fears of “monkey branching.” After finding his wife’s young coworker at their home late one night, his past trauma of betrayal amplifies suspicions about her intentions. Despite her assurances and new boundaries, his snooping uncovers inconsistencies that shake his faith.

This Reddit update delves deeper into the couple’s fractured trust, as the husband wrestles with his wife’s ambiguous actions and his own haunted past. Let’s explore the latest developments, expert insights, and Reddit’s perspective on this emotional turmoil.

For those who want to read the previous part: I [36M] surprised wife [32F] by coming home early only to find another man [21?M] in our home late. Is this ‘monkey branching” or just my difficult past influencing me?

‘[UPDATE] I [36M] surprised wife [32F] by coming home early only to find another man [21?M] in our home late(…)?’

For the days after we talked a lot, she was adamant she wanted nothing to do with him, has no feelings other than friendship and now that she was aware both (a) the possibility of him trying (it is true I or she still don't \*know\* his intentions) and (b) my reaction to her behavior (leaving out his presence later with her in text messages to me after

carpooling/putting our kid to bed, trickle-truthing me on her view of his possible intentions), she said she 'doesn't want anything to do with him. no, just no.' She offered up her phone if I wanted to see their conversations, she did the location sharing thing on her iPhone.

Was pretty clear that this was all some b**lshit and she hates that this situation ever became a thing. She was losing a friend but was more than willing to.. We set some boundaries.

1. People over late at the house, just let the other person know. Obviously family doesn't count. Just to avoid any possibility of any inference, better to let each other know who is in our house that late, 1 on 1.

2. For people who may we feel even have hints of intentions beyond platonic, we should *overshare* with each other. (thanks helpful commenter) Not overanalyze every relationship but just things like 'Doc X said this today, kinda weird' or 'new guy at foraging seemed to like me a lot'. Stuff like that.

I don't want to be a controlling person, I'm not that person but maybe because of my history I require more openness and communication about things like that in a relationship. She told me I was being too worried about her feelings/me being controlling and that was more than willing to do anything it took to rebuild any trust that was broken from the situation.

2nd session of marriage counseling and obviously topic came up first. I started to give a brief history but got interrupted by our child upstairs, I gave them some attention and came back down to continue.

When I got to the part of coming home, taking a shower and confronting my wife, I can't remember who said what, but it was interrupted, talking happened and then the therapist said 'and it sounds like (wife name) recognized what had happened and your past'.

Wife said she didn't know how close/similar some of the details were and the conversation moved on from there. The omission of his presence in text messages, trickletruthing, none of that was brought up.

But things were looking up, not sure I like the therapist but whatever. Things seem to be good. She seemed fairly contrite though I really was still bothered by the red and orange flags planted in my little mind garden.. Fast forward, a week? Something like that.

I fucked up. I guess I'm glad I did but I did f**k up. I don't sleep much, 5 hours max. Was up early, garden tending, made breakfast for little one and coffee for her, usual. I saw her work bag on the floor and I saw her journal in there. And I fucked up and I read it. I wanted to know if he (the 21M) was in her journal.

For some context, I read the journals of my late partner, who died over a decade ago, and it was a stupid horrible mistake. I read things that I shouldn't have, very raw thoughts and feelings, pros and cons list of me. S**t like that. Then, entries about the other man and her falling in love with him.

And her thoughts about her conflicted thoughts about leaving me. Near the end, if I recall, she didn't know, she loved us both but we were so different. I kept the journals, still have them somewhere, but I did burn those last pages about him. I do recall telling myself that I was protecting future me.

I'm glad I burned those pages and I'm glad I kept her journals but I don't venture to read them anymore. I will again when I'm older, to keep her alive in me somehow I guess. Anyways, when I saw her journals in the bags I just grabbed them and I read the latest couple pages.

Innocuous stuff until I got to about a month ago.. It said: '*Texted all night and hike Monday*' Now that wasn't me she texted with or hiked with on that day, that was with him. When she forgot to get her prescription.. So that meant two things to me:

1. Who writes 'texted all night' in their journal with someone they don't have feelings about? I'm not a journaler person, I don't like my thoughts enough to put them to paper, but that doesn't seem right to me. No name but def him, the dates match. I don't know, again, I don't journal so maybe anything can mean anything in there but what the f**k.

2. She had *planned* on hiking with him. She didn't tell me that. She told me of her plans going hiking after work to pass the time before the pharmacy opens, but never told me that he was going too.

In fairness, she told me after she sent pictures of the hike to me and his dog was in the photos. But she didn't mentioned they had planned it together, seemed spontaneous but I never asked I guess.

So yeah, I stopped reading. Kinda felt like I was shot with an arrow. Pretty horrible feeling because I thought things were going to be okay but I now I read this s**t. It was like 6am at this point, so I went on a run to clear my head and get the adrenaline out. Some tears too.

Got home and they were still sleeping, when they woke up and we were alone I asked her again if she ever developed any feeling at all for him. She said no. I told her I read her journal. I apologized but I told her I read something and I needed an explanation.

She wasn't happy. She told me those are personal, her thoughts and not for other people. She was also confused as to what I could have possibly read about him/the situation that need explaining. She asked me to show her the entry, I did..

Her response was: 'Oh yeah, we texted a lot that night. He wasn't working but I was. You know I wasn't home right? I was working that night.' I asked why it was in her journal? And why were you were planning to hike with him but when you told me about your plans for that day, you never mentioned you were planning it with him?'

She said 'Well I didn't know for sure he would come, we were talking bout it but I didn't know for sure' and the texted all night part 'didn't mean anything', that journals are fragments, not full thoughts and she was just writing it

I didn't like that answers at all honestly. We had another long discussion where she reassured me it meant nothing, that it shouldn't be interpreted as anything about her having feelings for him. I believe her. I don't know how she journals so maybe this isn't far out of the norm, I don't know.

Have to be honest here, the trust I had in her, a lot of it left. Which is pretty much the basis of a relationship. A lot of people sent me messages after my post with spy cams and s**t. If I had to resort to that, I'd just end the relationship I thought. Now here I am snooping on her journals.

Two days later, kid and I go out camping at a park for a couple nights (she's working). Have a blast. During that time away I decide it's important to me to know what conversations took place between them. Yes I snooped, but I think it's reasonable, at this point, to demand to know just what types of things are said between them.

She offered earlier, I just never took her up on it because it was really obvious to me, she felt she had nothing to hide. But after this journal entry thing, yeah I would like to know what 'texted all night' means. I thought if the conversation that night is just b**lshit, sure whatever.

If it's more, or that night is deleted or something, then I'll know. I honestly expected to read the messages, be reassured of her side of the story and move on. So we got home yesterday from camping. This morning I asked her if I could read their conversations.

Explained why and without hesitation she said yes and went to get her phone. Gave it to me and I sat to start reading. They had been texting recently, mostly innocuous mushroom stuff, then a one/ a couple attempts by him to come over/go out foraging.

I guess he was going to around our area (he lives an hour away) cruising on his motorcycle and her response to him was, as close as I can recall was:. 'not today not allowed to have anyone at home. lol'. Alright what the f**k

She saw my face and asked what was wrong. I put the phone down and said I don't want to read anymore. I asked if she had told him about my view on their relationship, or what happened or anything about him/her/I. She said no. I asked again.

She said no, he has no clue, she never mentioned anything.. I showed her the text and asked her why she would say that. Why would she say 'no one was allowed' at home? People are allowed in my home, that wasn't any of the boundaries we set together. He's been here, clearly.

And why would she say that to him if she never mentioned anything like that to him? Her response was that she meant she wasn't having people over/was busy. She then told me 'you were home that day...I don't get it'. Yeah I didn't read the dates of the text but even so, why the f**k would you word it that way?

That's not even close to 'no, I'm busy today' or literally any other million ways to say *I'm not available today.* I'm not allowed to have people at home is entirely different. lol is entirely different. I cannot see how on earth you get from those words to that meaning she says she was trying to convey. Maybe I'm wrong.

She said she didn't mean it that way it's not her mother tongue. To be fair, English is not her first language. She's quite fluent and has learned it from childhood but it's not her primary language. We've spoken exclusively English together for the \~decade I've known her.

You wouldn't know it wasn't her primary talking to her unless you had a good ear. But she's right, maybe it just is a mistranslation. She said it was 'clumsy' and not meant in any way to convey anything more than 'I'm not available today'.

We talked all morning until she went to bed. She reassured me she loves me and only me. I walked through every red flag, every opportunity for her to be honest an open. I asked why she didn't tell me about his recent attempts to meet up again?

She said she didn't know she should have told me. She said she didn't know she had to replay every conversation with him to me. I said she didn't, that's not what I was asking. But I was asking for her to be extra open about her relationship with him to me and him asking to come over, twice, definitely would require her letting me know.

I told her she didn't respect me at all. I told her she didn't care enough to tell me. I told her she's not being open and honest with me. That it's not me and her against the world, that this relationship is something else.

She reassured me it meant nothing but now that she sees how that text could be read that way (as if they had discussed him not being allowed in our home, she still denies), that she understands why I would react that way.

She was frustrated, she said 'it feels like a little fly came into my life and s**t all over everything', referring to him and his advances as the cause of what fucked this all up. I reiterated to her, every step along the way, in which she could have been truthful to me and decide to omit information.. Texting all night and planning the hike.

Staying over late after carpooling together, after our kid went to sleep, texting me and not mentioning he was still over.. Trickle-truthing me on whether she thinks he's interested in her. His two offers to meet via text/messenger or whatever (that I saw, didn't look more) that she didn't think to tell me about..

And her reply of 'not today not allowed to have anyone at home. lol' whatever the f**k that means.Her position is still the same, that this is all the bad coincidences and misunderstandings, misreading texts or journal entires, etc.

But she says she loves me, has only eyes for me and better understands now where I'm coming from.. So.. there's my little hell I've got for myself. Personal therapy starting soon but I guess reddit therapy will do for now. It's somehow therapeutic to remember this and type it all out.

Sorry, looking back this is insanely long, it's too long to proofread if shits garbled. Took me all day to write I guess. Last post I felt very o**rwhelmed by the response, sorry I didn't respond to a lot of comments or questions or clarifications. I'll try to do better here, since this is probably the final time I'll use reddit as therapy.

Thanks in advance. I guess I should ask in this field of flags is there some green grass? I trust my wife. I did. When she tells me she loves me and only me, I'm convinced. Or is this all as fucked as the plain reading makes it seem? Because it does seem quite fucked.

The husband’s discovery of his wife’s journal entry about “texting all night” and a text implying she’s “not allowed” to have guests at home escalates his fears of emotional infidelity. These incidents, paired with her history of omitting key details, like planning a hike with her coworker, suggest a pattern of selective transparency. His past trauma—marked by a partner’s betrayal and tragic death—intensifies his distress, making it hard to discern intuition from paranoia.

Relationship expert Dr. Shirley Glass emphasizes, “Emotional affairs often begin with secrecy, even if physical boundaries aren’t crossed. Full transparency is essential to rebuild trust after such breaches”. The wife’s failure to proactively disclose her coworker’s advances or their planned interactions, despite knowing his feelings, risks fostering an inappropriate bond. Her “clumsy” text and journal entry, even if innocent, fuel perceptions of deceit, especially given her non-native English excuse.

This situation reflects broader challenges in maintaining workplace boundaries. A 2023 study in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that 40% of healthcare professionals report workplace relationships blurring into emotional intimacy due to long shifts and shared interests. The wife’s continued engagement with her coworker, despite his advances, suggests either naivety or a need for validation, both harmful to the marriage.

To salvage trust, the wife must go no-contact with the coworker outside work, share all communications transparently, and engage deeply in couples counseling to address her omissions. The husband should pursue individual therapy to separate his trauma from present concerns and clarify his boundaries. Without mutual commitment to radical honesty, the marriage risks further erosion.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Reddit users expressed alarm at the wife’s behavior, viewing her journal entry and “not allowed” text as red flags signaling at least an emotional affair or ego-stroking. Many criticized her for not cutting contact with the coworker, arguing that her continued engagement, despite his clear interest, disrespects the marriage.

Some urged the husband to demand no-contact and pursue therapy, while others suggested he prepare for the worst, citing her trickle-truthing as evidence of deeper issues. A few acknowledged his trauma’s role but stressed that her actions alone justify concern. The consensus leans toward skepticism about her intentions, urging stronger boundaries or even separation.

HelloJunebug − All I can say is if I found out a guy was into me and actively trying to hang out, and I was married, I would just cut contact other than professionally at work only. She seems to continue to fuel this crush he has and it’s gonna lead to her having a crush if it hasn’t already.

4hhsumm − Each of these events on their own? Completely innocuous and easy to chalk up to misunderstanding. A series of them piled up? Yeah, it’s easy to see why you’re feeling gaslit. I guess what I don’t understand is why she isn’t focusing more on your relationship and rebuilding trust with you (unless I totally missed it in the update).

If this kid really is a metaphorical “fly that flew into her life and s**t all over everything”, then it should be pretty easy for her to go no contact with him. At this point, any contact is leading him on.

_h_simpson_ − Problem here is trust was broken and these incidents continue to undermine the healing process. You feel like she’s not being totally transparent; you have to pry stuff out of her. With transparency comes trust…. Continue with couples counseling and goto individual therapy. Don’t listen to all the Reddit therapists saying immediate divorce.

I strongly recommend she goes NO contact with this guy until you both can heal and move on from this situation… Edit to add: you need to fill in the blanks that were left out about the situation with the couples counselor. If she won’t go nc with this guy, your next call should be an attorney.

Domguyps5 − How long are you going to continue to play this game.

beastbossnastie − Everytime you hit something suspicious you stop reading. If you are going to snoop just snoop all the way. Like you didnt even get to what they texted all night about. The fact she's so open with her phone is a point in her direction but damn she's either wildly stupid or wildly manipulative.

Thankyouhappy − Is a new friendship worth destroying your marriage? Your wife really needs to think about that question. If it’s innocent, it’s causing a lot of unnecessary problems. You’re a patient man, I would be half way out the door. She’s not worth it

Designer-Revenue9803 − She's feigning naivety, but 'not today, not allowed to have anyone at home. lol' is a text to someone she has either complained to about you before, or she's trying to open the door to do that. Or worse, she has already expressed unhappiness (whether true or not) in your marriage to him, which is the hallmark of an affair.

I understand why you would ask not to have people over late at the house for the sake of protecting the children, for example, but this boundary may not be very helpful in this situation since they work together and the guy likely has his own place. And they drive to some places together lol

She probably won't leave you for the younger guy, but it seems like she wouldn't mind having some action on the side with him. You really need to make it clear to her what it would cost her if she were to carry this on.

So she knows it's not something she can do, and still keep her marriage and family together.. I guess I should ask in this field of flags is there some green grass? I trust my wife.. Or is this all as fucked as the plain reading makes it seem?

Friendly-Quiet387 − **THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!** Your wife is seeking out other men for intimacy. She was/ is in an emotional affair with the punk. She is using DARVO on you.. From her answers i feel your wife has little respect for the relationship.

This is not going to be easy to fix. She has dug herself a hole and jumped in. She refuses to acknowledge what the punks intentions are. She fails to acknowledge what she was getting (validation/thrills) from the punk. Right now she is a wall of red flags to you.

For reconciliation to work she needs to do all the work to rebuild trust. Try marriage therapy. Suggest a polygraph. But, it is she that needs to rebuild trust. You need to tell to go full no-contact with the punk. Any breaking this boundary will have severe ramifications of your choosing (separation/divorce)..

LoserBigly − Exit stage left

zanne54 − To me “not allowed” sounds like something a child would say, sulkily. It really sounds like your wife likes the attention he’s giving her and might be lying to you about her true feelings. This is something you should definitely address in therapy.

IMHO it would not be unreasonable to insist your wife cut off this “friendship”. He’s a snake, and she is encouraging him by not setting appropriate boundaries as a married woman.

This update paints a marriage at a crossroads, where a husband’s trust hangs by a thread amid his wife’s questionable choices and his own painful past. The journal entry, ambiguous texts, and her failure to set firm boundaries with her coworker cast shadows over her commitment, despite her reassurances.

As they navigate counseling and new boundaries, the couple faces a steep climb to rebuild trust. Have you ever faced a situation where trust was tested by a partner’s unclear actions? Share your experiences—let’s keep the conversation going!

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