[UPDATE] AITAH for wanting to leave my boyfriend for something his parents said?

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A cozy coffee shop date becomes a turning point for a 26-year-old woman wrestling with heartbreak after overhearing her boyfriend’s family dismiss her background. After fleeing their home, she bravely confronts him, sparking a raw, honest talk that could save—or end—their love.

With his sister’s apology and his promise to stand by her, she’s betting on trust but guarding her heart. This Reddit update dives into a delicate dance of love and boundaries.

For those who want to read the previous part: Original post

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‘[UPDATE] AITAH for wanting to leave my boyfriend for something his parents said?’

I couldn't keep up with all the comments but 99.9% of them said to talk to him and so I did. He didn't get all defensive or angry. He just listened to what I had to say and we ended up having a great conversation about it. So! Yesterday we went on a coffee date. Things were a little awkward at first so as soon as we sat down, I just straight up told him what happened.

I expressed how much it bothered me that he left me all alone with his r**ist parents without a warning and how terrified I was. He profusely apologized and said he would talk to them about it and he swore he had no idea that his parents felt this way about black people.

I asked him how he didn't know yet he grew up in their homes. They raised him so he surely must have heard some r**ist comments from them!! He explained to me how during his childhood, all the people in his hometown were white. The neighbourhoods were all white, the kids in his school were all white, and all his teachers were white.

So race wasn’t really a topic that ever came up in their home or school or anywhere he went. Everyone was just white! He said his parents have always been very kind-hearted people and those were the people he thought he was bringing me home to.

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He didn’t think that skin colour was something he had to worry about and it didn't cross his mind that he was bringing a POC to a place that had only had white people. He was truly apologetic for that and said he should have known better. Anyway, we kept talking and he told me about the first time he met a POC in real life.

He was 19 years old and he had just moved from his hometown to our city for college. He said he loved meeting people from different places with different cultures and backgrounds and hearing about all their different experiences which reminded me of when we first met.

I thought he was really weird cause he would ask me all these questions about my culture and home country. He honestly had so many questions some of which I didn’t even know the answers to! ***I googled the population of his hometown and according to the 2022 census, 93% of the population is white! So back then, during his childhood, it was probably 100% white.***

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So, I have chosen to believe him cause I guess he thought his parents would have been as open-minded as he was. Some of you might not agree with this decision but I’ve decided to give him a chance to prove himself before ending things with him. But, I pointed out that if he plans to be with me, a black woman,

he needs to understand that he cannot turn a blind eye to any discrimination I might face, including discrimination from his own family. I also told him I didn’t expect him to cut ties with his family but it’s gonna take a while to salvage my relationship with them and that I'm not yet ready to hear an apology from them.

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He agreed to this and promised to pay better attention and reassured me that he was on my side. I don't know if he has already spoken to his parents but this morning I woke up to an apology DM from his sister and the dots connected. In her message, she stated that she was shocked to hear her mother's words and that she doesn't believe in that.

She just agreed with her cause it was her mother and she didn’t know what to do at the moment. His sister is attending college in our city so I had met her a couple of times before. Like maybe 3 or 4 times so I’m thinking she was the one who gave their parents the heads up.

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She and I weren’t that close but the few times we've met, I didn't feel any hint of racism we were always civil with each other. Anyway, I still haven't responded to her message and I don't think I’m going to for now. I don't even know what to say to her.

As for my boyfriend and I, I believe we and I had a meaningful conversation. I'm still not moving in with him but I think we might be able to maybe work things out. We might not pick up where we left off but I know we can get back to where we were if we both put in the work.

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The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

This update showcases the power of open communication in navigating family conflicts. The woman’s courage to confront her boyfriend about his family’s disapproval—voiced behind her back—unlocked a deeper understanding. His apology and explanation of his sheltered, homogenous upbringing reveal a blind spot, not malice. Yet, her insistence on boundaries shows self-respect, crucial after such a betrayal. His sister’s apology adds hope, though trust remains fragile.

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This situation reflects a broader challenge: aligning with a partner whose family disapproves of your identity. A 2024 study by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found 62% of couples with family disapproval face trust issues if unaddressed. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Partners must actively defend each other against family bias to build a secure bond.” The boyfriend’s commitment to confront his family is a promising start, but consistency is key.

The woman’s choice to stay, while cautious, hinges on his actions. Couples therapy could help them set firm boundaries, like limiting family contact until trust is rebuilt. She might also meet his sister to gauge her sincerity, fostering a potential ally. If he falters in addressing his family’s bias, she must prioritize her well-being.

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Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s community brought warmth and wisdom, serving up heartfelt takes with a touch of humor. Here’s how they reacted to this emotional update.

Hopeful-Cover-4836 − Glad to see this update, and I hope honest communication can salvage this if it's meant to be salvaged, or to let you get out of this if that is what is needed instead.

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14thLizardQueen − My parents did this too. White people only in our town. I married a brown boy. We don't talk to them anymore. This isn't that uncommon.

Stacy3536 − I'm so glad you and your bf were able to sit down and have a meaningful conversation and that he didn't try to defend his parents. He seems like a good person and it feels like he will defend you and not let his family walk over him or you. I hope this is something that will end up turning yalls relationship stronger and not weaken it. Good luck op

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aspermyprevious − I'm glad he's on your side, but you keep protecting yourself. You need to cut this off at the first sign of 'they didn't mean it like that.' Just a whiff of that, and you need to go.

SledgeHannah30 − The father and daughter have a chance. They likely have not had a chance to really understand the mom's misplaced hate until then. They should have said something but their shock may have held their better judgement back.. The mom? No one says those words and not have malice behind them.

That woman is going to have to do some major soul searching.... trying to find one for starters would be good. Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy but wildly unaware of how his upbringing (i.e being surrounded by a homogenous mob of WASPs) has shaped his life up until this point. I, too, came from a hometown of 99.9% white people.

The only Black children at my school were adopted by a white family. My childhood peers were/ some still are/ will likely always be r**ist. It will take awhile and a lot of trial and error on your boyfriend's (and his family's ) part to figure out how deeply those r**ist needles are imbedded in his skin.

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You'll likely have to bear the sting of many of those needles as they come out. If he's a good man, he won't make the same mistake twice. Wishing you two the ability to always listen to each other as you did yesterday! Good luck to you both! Hope the mom stops being such an awful human.

Several-Plenty-6733 − I’m so happy that your boyfriend is such an amazing person, but there’s a very minuscule chance of his family ever being a good influence in your life. And they’re the worst kind of racists. The two faced racists that talk behind your back and possibly spread lies about you that make people uncomfortable around you.

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And they clearly don’t have to do this here! You said it yourself: This town is filled to the brim with RACISTS. They are living in a echo chamber where almost everyone reaffirms their r**ist beliefs. And that sister? She’s a r**ist too!. OP, it’s a f**king MIRACLE that your husband is such a flexible person! Run away with him!

Consistent_Ad5709 − Glad for this update and that y'all talked.

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treehuggingmfer − You did the right thing. Even some people that were r**ist (me) can and have changed. I hope you 2 make it. Life is hard and there will always be dumb people. Dont let them stand in the way of being happy.

SarcasticGuru13 − Your boyfriend doesn’t see people as a color. You aren’t his “black gf.” You are his gf. Since he doesn’t think that way it never dawned on him that people in his own family do think that way.. Now he does.

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sbucks2121 − What a great update. Im so glad you were able to talk things out. Hopefully, it proves fruitful and that all of you can set healthy boundaries. For what it's worth, I grew up in a dense white population area, and we never discussed race in our home. We actually didn't find out that my father was a closet bigot until my sister married a black man.

It blew our minds when our father started a race conversation about the civil rights movement at Thanksgiving dinner when we met my brother's family for the first time. We got some amazing pictures of everyone's eyes popping out of their heads. We quickly corrected my father and let him know that his comments were not acceptable.

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My brother took it in stride because he knew that no one else in the family felt the same and we all cared about each other. Thankfully, my sister still got married, and we got the BEST brother-in-law and niblings ever. We count our blessings every day that they are part of our family.

Side note. We do not take this matter lightly, but at some point, it was just so ridiculous. We were mortified about his behavior and scared that they would think the same of us. My brother and family assured us that it didn't impact our relationship, but that some people would never be welcome at events. Im hoping the same holds true for your relationship.

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These Reddit responses are raw, but do they capture the full picture? Is it about giving love a chance or protecting oneself from future hurt?

This update poses a poignant question: can love overcome family disapproval? The woman’s bold conversation with her boyfriend offers hope, but his family’s shadow looms. Her boundaries and his promises set the stage for healing—or a painful exit. What would you do if your partner’s family judged you unfairly? Share your thoughts—how would you balance love and self-protection in this emotional tightrope?

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