[UPDATE] AITAH for telling my mom “I’m used to it” after my parents ruined the surprise of my engagement and wedding dress?

As wedding plans unravel, a 27-year-old bride-to-be stands at a breaking point, her mother’s careless words echoing a pattern of disregard. From a spoiled engagement to a leaked dress detail, her family’s insensitivity compounds a cascade of mishaps, dimming her joy. Now, after a heated confrontation, she weighs eloping in England, seeking solace away from the chaos.

This Reddit update, charged with frustration and hope, dives into a bride’s battle to salvage her wedding’s magic. Was her pivot to elopement a bold escape, or an overreaction? It’s a vivid tale of family strife, resilience, and love’s endurance, pulling readers into a wedding saga gone awry.

For those who want to read the previous part: Original Post

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‘[UPDATE] AITAH for telling my mom “I’m used to it” after my parents ruined the surprise of my engagement and wedding dress?’

So for context, a lot of things have gone wrong since we have been in talks of getting engaged. Obviously my dad had told me about the engagement, but then other things went wrong like: my partner’s sister causing drama the day before our engagement, the day of our engagement going horribly wrong to the point my partner told me he’d propose again,

finding out last month that my partners dad got remarried a year ago in secret (we didn’t even know he was dating anyone) and him asking for a plus one for the wife no one had even heard of (while also telling my partner he’s ridiculous for being upset because it isn’t a big deal), and my best friend bailing on my bachelorette for someone else’s.

So it’s safe to say that since December, it’s been stressful. And those are only the bigger issues I mentioned. I know everyone was saying my mom should be on an info diet— she already was by her own choice! She hasn’t asked or been part of anything by her own design and it’s felt like she couldn’t care less about the wedding.

The only time she cared was when she found out we were only inviting 40 people and people she wanted there weren’t invited (like her friends, who I barely see or know, and her brother and cousin, who I both haven’t seen since I was 11). That’s when she insisted on paying for them so they could come.

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And that’s the only time she’s asked about anything having to do with the wedding, or to be honest, anything involving me. She hasn’t checked in to see if me and my partner are okay, given all of the other stuff that has happened, either. So I ended up speaking with my mom a little while after what happened, and I told her that while I know I shouldn’t have said “I’m used to it,” that ultimately I’m upset because it seems nothing has gone right.

She seemed apologetic at first and said she didn’t know why she said that and knew that she shouldn’t have. I nodded and said just please don’t say anything else regarding what you know about the dress. (She was there when I got the dress and veil with my sisters) I then told her that I’m just tired of things going wrong, and that my partner and I have felt super unsupported and alone.

She responded back starting her sentence with, “OP, only a handful of things have happened. I feel like you’re looking for things to be upset about at this point.” And to be honest, when she said that, I kind of lost it. I basically said that I didn’t go looking for any of this, and all of these things that have happened to my fiance and I were out of our control.

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Like, you’re the one who brought up the veil, not me. I didn’t go looking for any of these issues. I told her that if there was one problem, then fine, I’d have handled it and moved on, but that the repeated offenses coming from every angle have hurt me and my partner.

I’ve been trying to get over what’s occurred but something else happens to make the wedding planning even harder us. I told her that my fiance and I both have felt super alone during a time that’s supposed to be joyful, and that her carelessness and thoughtlessness has been super hurtful, especially when she’s continually invalidated my feelings.

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She shrugged and said that she’s done nothing and she’s not going to talk to me or ask about me about the other problems going on because I’ve been upset and she doesn’t want to deal with it. lol. After a lot of your comments, I realized that I definitely was attempting to include someone who has shown not only should they not be, but they don’t want to be.

My partner leaves back to the UK today, but at this point I’m considering eloping with him (if I can) when I’m visiting him in England in May. We’ve already paid half of what we owe to our venue and photographer, so cancelling isn’t really an option, but maybe we’ll have just the reception instead of the ceremony.

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Thank you to the commenters who pointed out that if we ever have children, to keep the important moments to ourselves of gender or birth date or names. I think you’re right, and my mom has pretty much ensured she will be on a permanent info diet for as long as she’s in my life, because if not, she’ll more than likely spoil it and then invalidate my feelings.

I think ultimately it wasn’t about the veil for me. I know my partner will still be surprised, I’m just sad because he told me he didn’t want an idea of anything and wanted to be completely clueless about what I would be wearing.

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But ultimately this was about the continued thoughtlessness and invalidation that’s pretty much been the theme for the last four months. If my mom had said she was sorry and left it, it would’ve been fine. But acting like I went looking to be upset when she randomly ruins yet another detail is just wild to me.

This wedding drama transcends spoiled surprises, revealing a deeper wound of familial neglect. The bride’s confrontation with her mother, met with shrugs and dismissal, underscores a pattern of emotional invalidation that saps her wedding’s joy. Her elopement plan signals a desperate bid to reclaim control amid relentless setbacks.

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She sees her mother’s apathy as a betrayal, especially against the backdrop of other family dramas, while her mother might view her complaints as exaggerated, dodging accountability. A 2023 study found 65% of wedding conflicts stem from family boundary violations, mirroring this rift.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman notes, “Emotional dismissal erodes trust in relationships.” His insight frames the mother’s refusal to engage as a barrier to healing, pushing the bride to protect her peace. Gottman advocates for distancing from toxic dynamics to prioritize mental health.

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The bride could proceed with elopement, sharing plans only with trusted allies, and host a reception to honor commitments. A mediator might help address her mother’s role long-term.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s community rallied with support, urging the bride to elope and shield her joy from family chaos. Here’s a sampling of their reactions, blending empathy with bold advice:

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classycatman − My MIL actually invited a bunch of people to our wedding and then informed us. My wife's response: 'Ok. It's on you to uninvite them because they aren't welcome and won't be allowed into the venue.' Hang in there. Focus on the part that's important - the end result. The rest is just pomp and circumstance in the grand scheme.

Dlraetz1 − Marry quietly. Just you, him and a couple of people who truly love you. Then do the reception with the Aholes

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PinkPetalBella − NTA. You didn’t 'go looking' for problems people kept handing them to you. Your mom isn’t just thoughtless, she’s emotionally dismissive, and you’re right to finally stop handing her opportunities to hurt you. Eloping sounds honestly peaceful after everything. Protect your joy, because clearly some people will never show up for it the way you deserve.

Chaoticgood790 − As soon as I read the first few lines I knew my advice would be elope. So yes elope. And see if the venue will just eat your deposit and give you the rest back (typically they will depending on your contract). Why have a party when that will be miserable too. So take a trip to England with your dress. Tell NO ONE and just hard launch it online. The adults in your life are AHs but better to find that out now.

Ancient-Meal-5465 − Yes, get married in England as soon as you wish.  Have the reception at the end of the year and tell your mother on the day of your reception that you’re already married - because she is going to try and ruin your day because she’s a complete and utter narcissist.

Dana07620 − [If you're going to elope, then know that you have to do the prep work in advance. You can't visit the UK and just get married.](https://www.gov.uk/come-uk-married)

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Helpful_Librarian_87 − I still say move to England. Elope, honeymoon in the Scilly Islands and make your life somewhere you want. You’ll never get what you want from your mum (& I’m sorry for that).

lovelybabyygirl − Looks like someone's got a case of wedding planning fatigue! Hang in there, OP. Maybe a surprise elopement is just what you need to escape all the drama. #drama-freezone

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Animelily − NTA. I think we might have the same mother. I don't think I've ever gotten a truly genuine apology from her in my life. Very much 'sorry you're so offended by my reasonable behavior.' I'm glad that at the end of all this, you'll have a lovely husband, and you can create your own family. Congratulations on the engagement and best wishes for you both!!

mcindy28 − NTA just elope and save the rest of your efforts for your actual marriage. 6 months is far enough away for a bunch of other crap to just happen. Get your affairs in order and just go get married. Save yourselves the headache.
These Redditors champion the bride’s resolve, but do their calls for elopement hold? Is cutting ties the only path, or could reconciliation work?

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This update crackles with a bride’s defiance against a tide of family indifference. Her mother’s invalidation, atop a heap of wedding mishaps, fuels her dream of eloping in England, a bid to seize her happiness. Was she right to plan a secret escape, or should she have pushed for family repair? What would you do when family dims your wedding glow? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unravel this saga of love and liberation!

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