[UPDATE] AITAH for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a cozy evening at grandma’s, where a young mom juggles diapers and textbooks, dreaming of a shared future with her fiancé. For one 29-year-old woman, this vision crumbles when her partner of a decade declares their dream home will be his alone, despite her paying half the mortgage. Her shock deepens in the update: he rejects therapy, demands obedience, and dismisses her fair proposal. Readers feel her betrayal, wondering if love can survive such a stark shift in trust.

This Reddit tale, raw and relatable, unravels a partnership teetering on control and inequity. The woman’s stand for fairness sparks heated debate, pulling readers into a story of love, money, and red flags. Let’s explore this unraveling bond and what it means for her future.

For those who want to read the previous part: AITAH for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage?

‘[UPDATE] AITAH for telling my fiancé I won’t help pay the mortgage?’

I, 29F and my fiancé 30M have been together for 10 years. We had a baby back in 2020 and I lost my job around the same time. Our lease to our apartment was up and my grandma offered for us to move in with her so we did. We basically had our own little apartment rent free.

I had thrown the idea of going to school out there and everyone agreed it was a good idea, my fiancé paid for it and my grandma watched my baby while I went to class. I graduate this semester (I did part time for a couple semesters). My fiancé has been making 90K a year for the past couple years and 70K when we first moved in.

He’s saved a good amount of money. We agreed to wait to get married until I finished school and we could buy a house together. We’ve been looking at houses more seriously for a past couple months and found one we both love.

We started talking to a mortgage broker and that’s when he dropped the bomb on it being HIM and ONLY HIM on the mortgage and the deed. He said I wouldn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t say anything in the meeting but afterwards I told him I thought WE were buying the house together and I’d pay half the mortgage.

He said I would be paying half the mortgage but my name just wouldn’t be on it. So I told him that would mean I’d have no right to the house and he said he knew?!! He said since he saved the 40% down that it’s only fair that he has the rights to the house in case we end things.

I told him if that’s what he wants to do then I’m not paying for the mortgage. I said this isn’t a partnership and if he just wants his own place fine but I’m not paying for it. He called me a btch saying that he paid for everything for the past few years including my schooling.

I told him I stayed home and watched our child so we didn’t have to pay for daycare and that ended up saving us money since I would’ve been only able to work part time. He said he didn’t care and I need to pay for half since I already agreed to it.. So reddit AITAH for refusing to pay the mortgage?

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ETA: Originally we were supposed to move in with my grandma for a few months while we saved some money for renting a new place. I thought maybe it’d be a good idea to go to school so I’d make more money and we could potentially buy a place.

My grandma said we should stay with her until I finish school so we can save up “for a life together”. My fiancé and I had AGREED that we would be buying a house together. He paid for the schooling because we were getting MARRIED and my student loans would’ve been OUR problem, not just mine.

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He encouraged me to finish my education so we could give our child a better quality of life. Edit 2: For those of you saying him paying for my schooling would be more expensive than rent, my schooling in TOTAL costed $17,000. Across 5 years. That’s $3400 a year on average.

This saga stings with betrayal, as a once-loving fiancé morphs into a control enthusiast. The woman’s fight for equity—offering to pay half the mortgage for shared ownership—is reasonable, yet met with a dismissive “listen to me.” His refusal of therapy and insistence on sole ownership scream power imbalance, leaving her vulnerable despite years of mutual sacrifices. Her grandmother’s rent-free home and her childcare enabled his savings, yet he claims the down payment as his alone.

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This situation reflects a broader issue: financial control in relationships. A 2021 study from the Journal of Marriage and Family found that equitable financial decisions strengthen partnerships, while unilateral control often predicts conflict. Her proposal for a prenup—returning his 40% down payment and splitting equity—was a fair compromise, yet his rejection suggests deeper issues.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a relationship expert, states, “Healthy partnerships require mutual respect and shared decision-making”. Here, the fiancé’s refusal to negotiate or attend therapy dismisses her contributions, from childcare to securing free rent. His name-calling and controlling stance are red flags, hinting at potential emotional abuse. Couples therapy could help, but only if both commit. For now, she should protect her financial future—staying at her grandmother’s and saving for her own stability. Exploring legal advice for co-parenting or asset division, like through a family law resource, can safeguard her and her child.

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Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s crew didn’t mince words, dishing out fiery takes with a side of sass. From warnings to flee to theories about “red pill” influences, the comments are a wild ride. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

ogo7 − Are you still living in your grandma’s place rent free? If so, I’d stay there and start saving for your own down payment.

Western_Fuzzy − OP, do not marry this man. You currently have a free place to live, and he wants you to pay half the mortgage to increase his equity. If anything goes wrong, he’ll be living large on your contributions (childcare, the free apartment that you got him to facilitate saving,

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and half the mortgage you would have paid up until that point) and you’ll be out on your ass. He pulled a bait & switch on you in the most demeaning way in front of a broker, then called you a b-tch. Like other commenters, I doubt this is the first time he’s shown you who he is. Regardless, believe him. He doesn’t value you or respect you or your very real contributions at all.. NTA.

FrontTour1583 − NTA. He got free rent and free child care thanks to your family which allowed him to save that money. If your name isn’t on that house you shouldn’t put a dime into it.

Vivid-Awareness191 − NTA. If your name isn't on the deed, don't pay the mortgage. Honestly, I'd debate moving into a house that was just his and then getting married.. If he wants help with the mortgage, then he has to accept that you will also own the house.

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dontwanna-cantmakeme − The way to handle this is a prenup that says if there is a divorce, the house must be sold. From that sale, the amount from the down payment should go to him,

and then the remaining profit gets split 50-50. . But that would have been a *discussion* to have beforehand in a healthy relationship. . What you experienced is a taste of things to come. Don’t marry him. Don’t get a house. 

PreferenceFalse6699 − Get out while you have some ability to do so. He used you and your Grandma. He won't stop using you or anyone else either.

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ShingingSir − NTA ! First of all he should never call you a bi*ch, that is so disrespectful. Second of all, while it is significant he put 40% down, it’s not like you were goofing off. You took care of your child, you were in school; it’s a partnership.

It doesn’t sound like he wants a partnership. The only reason he was able to save so much is because of you and your family’s help. You are so smart not to pay a mortgage on a house you don’t own. Do NOT accept him owning that house when he explicitly said it because if you break up he gets to keep it.

Not that it would necessarily mean that if you get divorced, but it would help his case. I can’t imagine this is the first time he’s shown some selfish or resentful behavior. You should have a serious discussion and think of starting counseling to work through this. At any rate, don’t let yourself be financially edged out or at yourself and your child up to fail. Good luck!

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Dark_Phoenix25 − That title made me think this was going a different direction. Him calling you the b word plus openly knowing that you wouldn’t have a “claim” shows he’s going to be abusive.

He’s also not bright because if you paid half the mortgage and had mail coming there, in the event of divorce, you’d still have a claim on the property and would be entitled to half of it. NTA. Run and fast

Money-Possibility606 − NTA. Do NOT go into that deal, and do NOT marry this man. The reason he was able to save the money for the down payment is because he's lived rent-free the last few years! And he only had that freedom because of you and your family!

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I would think long and hard about staying involved with this man. Don't think that you owe him anything just because he's the father of your child. His reasoning is absolutely illogical. He's selfish and cruel. He calls you names.

A real man who loves his partner WANTS her to be taken care of financially if something happens to him. If your name isn't on the house and something happens to him, you're screwed!. He doesn't care about you, doesn't respect the contributions you've made to his life, and doesn't respect you.

Does this man even like you? If my husband called me that word, it'd be over for that alone. I would never tolerate disrespect like that, and I would not allow my son to grow up in a house with a man who thought so little of me.

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changelingcd − He's had five years of rent-free living paid for by your family, while making 70-90k, able to work full-time because you and your grandmother looked after his kid until she was school age--and he still thinks you had nothing to do with him being able to save up a down payment?

Well, when someone is still your 'fiancé' after a decade together and a five year old kid, that should be a clear warning. Yes, he paid for most things, but he was able to do what he did because of you and your family, and he agreed to that arrangement and you going back to school, etc. Now all he's thinking about is not sharing the house with you.

These Redditors smell trouble, urging the woman to protect herself and her child. Some see her fiancé’s shift as a calculated power grab, while others suspect external influences flipped his mindset. But do these spicy opinions capture the whole story, or are they fanning the flames of drama? One thing’s certain: this couple’s crossroads has Reddit in a frenzy.

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This woman’s story is a gut-punch—love soured by control and broken promises. Her stand against paying for a house she doesn’t own is bold, but her fiancé’s refusal to compromise or seek therapy casts a dark shadow. With a child in the mix, she faces tough choices: stay and hope for change, or walk away to secure her future. Reddit cheers her strength, but the path ahead is murky. What would you do if your partner pulled a bait-and-switch on a shared dream? Share your thoughts below!

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