AITA for yelling at my partner for not helping at night with our newborn?

A new dawn often brings unexpected challenges, and for a first-time mom, the arrival of a newborn can transform joy into a test of endurance. The early weeks, filled with sleep-deprived nights and emotional rollercoasters, set the stage for both tender love and frustrating moments. In this tale, a young mother grapples with a surge of postpartum emotions as her tired pleas for help go unanswered during a particularly rough night.

In the soft glow of early morning, the reality of sleeplessness and isolation is palpable. The mother’s struggle is not just about physical fatigue but also the deep emotional yearning for support. The subtle tension between wanting understanding and needing practical assistance weaves through the narrative, painting a vivid picture of modern new-parent challenges.

‘AITA for yelling at my partner for not helping at night with our newborn?’

I (21f) and my partner (21m) are first time parents. He works around 8 hours a day in construction while I’m a SAHM. We each have our own “jobs” and so far it’s been working 85% of the time. We decided early in the pregnancy that this was the plan because of how expensive and nerve-wracking childcare can be. But like all first time parents, we’d had no idea what to expect with a baby and how postpartum would affect me.

Our son is 3 weeks old and has a pretty good schedule at the moment. He wakes up every 3ish hours for a bottle and diaper change, and my body is finally adjusting so I’m handling it well-until a surprise “rough night” happens. This is when our baby is more fussy than usual and scream-cries, fights sleep, eats WAY more than normal, and just rebels against his usual routine.

This is when my postpartum anger sets in. I get so angry because I’m tired, can’t figure out what the baby needs from me, and I’m going through the motions. Meanwhile, my partner sleeps through EVERYTHING. I wake him up numerous times saying “please tag me out”, “I’m getting too angry to think straight”, “I need help, I don’t know what’s wrong”, and he wakes for a second but goes back to sleep. However, the last bad night we had I lost it and yelled at my partner.

I was so angry I couldn’t think and my partner wouldn’t wake up to help so I yelled at him and woke him up out of a dead sleep. I instantly regretted it because he looked frightened and after I said “I’ve been asking you for help and you won’t. I can’t do this, I’m tagging out.” He got angry. He called me a rude-ass for yelling at him, said “I’ll just get up then” with an attitude, and yelled at me because I went to go cry in the bathroom saying “oh god, don’t be like that.”

I’m not asking a lot, just help on the bad nights and the moments that I need to tag out for safety. However, I feel guilty I got angry with him. I know we each have things we do for “jobs” and his isn’t easy either. So, AITA for getting angry and lashing out about the lack of help during bad nights?

Letting a partner meet your family can feel like a monumental step in a relationship – and when sleep turns elusive, the situation intensifies. New parents often find themselves in a tug-of-war between exhaustion and the sheer need for a supportive hand. The intricacies of postpartum emotions are compounded by the reality of uneven sleep patterns, making the dynamics of shared responsibility extremely delicate.

The heart of the dilemma lies in the imbalance of support. In this case, while one partner toils through an 8‑hour construction shift, the other is caught in a cycle of relentless care without respite. This lopsided dynamic escalates stress and fatigue, potentially clouding judgment in moments when clear-headed communication is crucial. It is a scenario that underscores the need for both understanding and proactive coordination between partners.

According to Dr. Sarah Buckley, a clinical psychologist specializing in postpartum mental health, “When a new mother’s sleep is compromised, her emotional resilience is tested, making timely partner support not just helpful, but essential.” This insight, highlighted in various parenting resources including pieces on Psychology Today, underscores that sleep deprivation can trigger heightened emotional responses that strain even the strongest relationships. Her perspective encourages couples to seek professional strategies to manage stress during these trying times.

Drawing from expert advice, it becomes clear that establishing a reliable shift system or seeking occasional external support can alleviate tension. Open communication about each partner’s struggles is vital. Practical solutions, such as scheduling short, restorative naps or consulting healthcare providers for stress management, can bridge the support gap.

Ultimately, embracing empathy and proactive planning may pave the way to a smoother adjustment to the unpredictable rhythms of new parenthood.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The general sentiment among community members centers on empathy and shared understanding. Most agree that new parenthood can often push both partners to their emotional limits, especially when sleep is in short supply. There is a strong call for open dialogue and practical solutions—such as coordinated shifts, seeking additional help, or even professional advice—to help alleviate the overwhelming strain.

Overall, the community stresses that while every household’s dynamic is unique, striving for mutual support is a key element in navigating these challenging early months of parenthood.

Finklesfudge − NAH trust people who have kids to let you know, the first 3 months are a real *trudge*. For everyone involved. If I had to give you advice, it is to contact the hospital you gave birth, and do not lie to them that postpartum is affecting you. Every single hospital has specialists to help you work your way through these times, exercises to help you center, and sometimes short term medication to help you.

Strong_Storm_2167 − NTA. He works 8 hours. You work 24 hours day/night. It is reasonable for him to help give you breaks and him be a 50% parent on his off times. If you had a job during the day just the same as him and you both had hired a nanny or sent baby to daycare. Who looks after the baby when you both get off work???You BOTH do.

So why is it different because you are home instead of paying childcare? Looking after A newborn is exhausting and can be dangerous to both baby and you if you don’t get enough sleep and help. When both home BOTH are responsible. When he is home. You could both work in shifts so you have a rest/sleep for the first few hours he is home and he takes care of baby.

Then he goes to bed so gets enough sleep for work but you have had a sleep also which will then help you through the night. Please go to your doctor to talk to them also about your postpartum as you need help with this now rather then later.

Dszquphsbnt − This isn't an a**hole situation, the first 8-12 weeks sucks. It gets better. Hang in there and try to be nice to each other. NAH and congratulations!

Kanulie − Don’t take your baby’s crying personal. You get to know them, and it takes time for you to understand, and them to express themselves. The first 3 months at least can be tricky, like they scream from hunger, pain, restlessness, being uncomfortable and whatnot. If they slept, got fed, it can be anything really. Crying is their only way to express themselves for now.

What ours had was tummy ache, while being hungry. So he wanted to eat, but it hurt, but he was too hungry not to eat. And yea not a lot you can do…massage his tummy if you feel like it helps, carry him around on his tummy (tiger in a tree). Sometimes you just have to wait for them to calm down. Just don’t confuse their crying with judging you, or that you did something wrong. It can also just mean “i miss you please hold me” 🤷‍♂️

[Reddit User] − NAH. You sound exhausted. But it sounds like you both need to find a way to get him up more efficiently. It doesnt sound necessarily like he is unwilling to help, more that he doesnt wake up very easily at all.

[Reddit User] − This is not a situation about assholes. I had a baby at 21. The first three months were hell on earth.. Your partner needs the sleep. Arriving at work fatigued could kill him.. You need some help sometimes. I understand. I was a single parent. It was like that very much. Is there a parent who can stay for a few nights? Or perhaps your partner could take him either Friday or Saturday night and let you sleep.

also, speak with your maternity provider about options for a little sleep training. Baby will have nights of long sleep and hungry nights. That's how he grows.. Keep your chin up and be open and honest with everyone about your challenges. Help is there.. This bit will be over soon enough (although it probably feels like it will never end right now)

RoyallyOakie − NTA...the first weeks are tricky. You need help and are asking your partner to help you. That's reasonable. Sometimes he's just going to have to pitch in.

Confident_Wave_5048 − NTA and I am really concerned for you and your baby because you mention postpartum anger. Is there a health professional you can speak with? You are exhausted, health professionals likely try to look for these signs at appointments but need people to be honest. Yes, he works construction, but taking care of a baby and driving with a baby all require concentration as well. I'm sure you could both try to work out a better routine.

Babies go through growth spurts, some go through sleep regressions, and it can feel like a never-ending cycle. Be kind to yourself and your baby. If you and your husband have a good relationship, you may need to have a chat about how each of you is feeling. Your body is likely still healing as well.. It sounds rough all around.. All the best to you and your family. Congratulations on your baby.

Imaginary-Isopod3515 − From your post 10 months ago:

Hmmm. I know we're supposed to judge based only on the details in the post but there were red flags before you even got pregnant.. INFO: was this a planned pregnancy? Do you have family or close friends nearby?

ih8these_blurredeyes − I don't think 3 week olds have schedules. I know my sister found it reassuring to look up developmental milestones that gave her clues to baby's behaviour (cluster-feeding for example.) You may want to look into things that might help - a bedside bassinet, if you're breastfeeding you can just leave your boob out and rest. Ear plugs / noise cancelling headphones (obviously not to completely mute sound.)

It sounds like the times you've woken your husband up and he's responded but fallen back to sleep that he might not even have been awake and doesn't even know you did try to wake him (I've had whole conversations with mine that he doesn't remember.)

In conclusion, the journey of early parenthood is rarely straightforward. It’s a delicate dance of emotions, responsibilities, and the undeniable need for shared support. As this tale reflects, even in moments of heated frustration, there is room for understanding and growth.

What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences—your insights might help another parent navigate these challenging times.

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