Protecting My Daughter: Update on Not Inviting My Ex’s Wife to Her Party

In the original post, a mother sought advice on whether she was wrong for not inviting her ex-husband’s wife to their daughter’s birthday party, based on the daughter’s claims of mistreatment. This update reveals the dramatic events that unfolded during the daughter’s subsequent birthday celebration at her father’s house, further validating the mother’s concerns and leading to a significant decision regarding custody arrangements.

When a child expresses feelings of being bullied and mistreated within their own family, the protective instincts of a parent are naturally triggered. This update details a disturbing incident that occurred at a birthday party, solidifying a mother’s resolve to take action to safeguard her daughter’s well-being and prompting a reevaluation of the existing custody agreement.

‘AITAH for not invinting my ex-husband’s wife at my dauther’s birthday party because she told me not to?’

Original post : I (32F) have a daughter (9 going on 10F) with my ex-husband (36M). We divorced when she was 3. He then remarried with one of his co-workers (let's call her M). They also have a son together (6M). My daughter's birthday is in 9 days. I reviewed with my daughter things for her birthday, like the theme, the cake...

Here's the issue: when we were going through the guest list, she looked anxious. When I asked what's wrong, she told me that she did not want to invite M. I asked her why and she explained to me that M would make weird comments sometimes around other parents/ to her .

For example, when M would pick her up from her dance lesson, she would hear M say things like "That is why I prefer boys, girls only like pink and tutu", calling her a brat, and other things. She also told me that every time her brother (M and ex-h's kid) would do something to annoy her (like breaking her toys, calling her names, starting a fight), M would always defend her son and punish her every time and say "boys will be boys" or some crap like that .

I asked about her dad and she said that she does that when her dad is around, but he is always in his office so it is like a free pass. Later on, I called her father. He asked for the date of the party (her real birthday is a school day). I told him that his wife was not invited and I think I was in loudspeaker because I heard M screaming at me saying that I "destroy her family".

So, AITA for not inviting my ex-husband's wife to my daughter's birthday party because she told me not to?. Okay, just for precision: * My daughter's half-sibling is 4 years younger than her; she was born in April, while he was born in March the next year after the divorce (he just turned 6).

* BUT it is true that we divorced because my ex-husband told me he was in love with M and "wanted to confess.". * We have a 50/50 custody.. * He has a busy job. * My daughter explained me she never told me/ her dad that she was scared of ruining her father's marriage because he seems happy. 

UPDATE : So, a lot happened. First of all, I met my ex for lunch alone. I explained everything that my daughter told me. At first, he was defensive and told me that she was overreacting. I replied that even if that were true, his relationship with his daughter is at risk. I gave him a choice: fix the problem or I go back to court for more custody.

Friday, when I came to pick my daughter up at his house, I talked to her in private, and she told me that her dad spent time with her, picking her up from school/activities, helping her with homework, and playing with her. M then told me that she accepts not going to the party but still wanted to see my daughter blow out her candles on her actual birthday.

She baked a cake and asked her (my dautghter) if she was okay with doing it before leaving. She seemed okay with it, so we gathered around the cake (my daughter, M, ex, and half-brother). When my daughter blew out the candles, M junior decided that the good thing to do would be to smash my daughter's face into the cake....(To be honest, if this was not a kid, I would be in prison.)

He and M burst out laughing while my daughter was crying. M then told her that she was being dramatic and "emotional." We (M, ex, and I) got into an argument, and to my surprise, my ex-husband was on my side, saying that it was not okay. While arguing, I noticed that my daughter was not there, so I left to check on her.

I helped her clean herself, and then we left for my house. I tried to cheer her up, but she was still a little sad. The party went well, her dad came, and during the party, I told him that I want more custody because of his wife's bullying. So yeah, I will update you if anything happens..

Precision 2 : Some of you asked questions about my daughter's reaction. My daughter is a really shy and silent kid. Except for me and her dad, she does not talk unless spoken to or if you bring up a subject that she likes. When something upsets her, she just stays silent and cries. It's always been like that and it is what she did. Started crying, went to her room.. 

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

The events described in the update are deeply concerning and strongly support the OP’s initial decision not to invite M to her own daughter’s birthday party. The incident of M’s son deliberately pushing the daughter’s face into her birthday cake is a clear act of aggression and bullying. M’s initial laughter followed by a sudden shift to wanting to see the daughter blow out her candles suggests a manipulative and potentially calculated behavior, as highlighted by several Reddit commenters.

The ex-husband’s intervention, acknowledging that his son’s actions were not okay and apologizing to both the OP and their daughter, is a positive sign. It indicates that he is becoming aware of the mistreatment his daughter is experiencing in his home. However, his awareness alone may not be sufficient to ensure the daughter’s emotional well-being in the long term.

The OP’s decision to seek more custody of her daughter is a natural and responsible reaction to these events. As Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, emphasizes, children thrive in environments where they feel safe, respected, and loved. The daughter’s experiences at her father’s house, particularly the bullying from her half-brother and the dismissive behavior from M, clearly indicate that this environment is not consistently meeting her emotional needs.

The OP’s statement to her ex-husband about wanting more custody due to M’s bullying is a necessary step to protect her daughter. It is crucial for the daughter to have a primary home where she feels secure and free from mistreatment. While co-parenting can be effective, it requires both parents to prioritize the child’s well-being above all else. In this situation, M’s behavior appears to be actively detrimental to the daughter’s emotional health.

The advice from Reddit commenters to document everything and potentially seek full custody is prudent. Documenting specific incidents of bullying and mistreatment can be vital if legal intervention becomes necessary to modify the custody agreement. The OP’s focus on her daughter’s well-being and her proactive steps to ensure her safety and happiness are commendable.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit community’s response to the update is overwhelmingly supportive of the OP’s decision to seek more custody. Commenters expressed outrage and disgust at the behavior of M’s son and M’s reaction to the cake incident, viewing it as a deliberate act of bullying, possibly even orchestrated by M. Many echoed the sentiment that M seems to be trying to alienate the daughter from her father and that the ex-husband needs to take more decisive action to protect his daughter.

The ex-husband’s apology was seen as a positive first step, but commenters emphasized the need for more significant changes to ensure the daughter’s safety and well-being. The OP’s decision to pursue increased custody was widely applauded as a necessary measure to protect her daughter from a hostile environment.

DingLing4 − Are you sure that the ex husbands wife didn't egg on her kid, the half sibling, to do this? Instead of apologizing profusely she went on a verbal attack and said your daughter was over reacting. To me this seems she wants to create a wedge in between your daughter and ex husband's relationship, and it seems to be working

WavesnMountains − NTA even after all these years, M is still jealous of you and your ex having a child that’s not hers. I don’t know how you stayed out of jail because it would’ve been lights out for M

Lady_Salamander − NTA. Your ex-husband needs to put M in her place and stand up for his daughter. Her rude, and frankly cruel, behavior is now risking his relationship with his daughter. You’re right to protect your daughter from this beast and her horrible half-brother.

ArsenalSeven − Ex’s wife planted the idea in the kid’s head. She wants husband out of his daughter’s life entirely. Try for full custody.

WatchOutItsMiri − M feels threatened by your daughter, another female, taking attention away from her husband, so she is trying to hurt/punish your daughter and make her feel unwelcome in the home. That way, your daughter will stop wanting to visit, or you’ll step in and not allow daughter over there so often.

Either way, she wins. It sounds like she’s also been encouraging her son to play mean “pranks” on your daughter and break her things because M knows how much it will upset her. She should be ashamed of herself for her malicious behavior towards her husband’s child. I hope that your ex starts to pay closer attention and sees what she is trying to do and shuts it down before M demolishes his relationship with his daughter.

For what it’s worth, I don’t blame you at all for wanting to rearrange custody after what you’ve heard and witnessed. She sounds like a terribly vindictive and manipulative person, and I wouldn’t trust her around my daughter. She most likely will escalate as your daughter gets older and becomes more of a “threat” to her.

I feel so bad for your little girl in this situation and I’m glad her dad stuck up for her when brother shoved her into the cake, because that was cruel. Hopefully he continues to stick up for her and puts a stop to his wife and son’s mistreatment of her. In the meantime, do what you feel like you have to do to protect her and thank you for being there for her. She’s lucky to have you.

WinterFront1431 − I kind of feel like she has always bullied her, and you're only hearing about it now as your daughter is getting older.. also, I feel like the cake thing was a set up, she went from screaming to be calm and saying she wanted to see her blow out her candles... Tell him from now on he will have to come to your house to see his daughter.. ALONE.

CleanLivingMD − That was 100% planned. I don't think most 6 year olds would come up with that on their own. Document everything and go for full custody.

Cybermagetx − I would be going for full custody and supervised visits. He has allowed his eldest to be bullied in her own home.

ADHDelightful − NTA. I told him that I want more custody because of his wife's bullying.. As well you should. At the same time, I hope you are able to take a moment to tell him you noticed and appreciate his recent improvements, both in interacting with your daughter and in taking her side(and to be clear it is your daughter's side, not yours) after the cake incident. That little bit of civility in the midst of this conflict could a long way in helping mitigate any effort M makes to try and alienate him from his daughter.

FreddThundersen − NTA. M wanted to see your daughter, who she quite blatantly tolerates at best, blow the candles... her kid then facecakes her... They both laugh.. This was a setup. She's trying to get you to file for full custody so she can have her picture perfect family, without any "leftovers" from the previous marriage; until both you and your daughter are out of the picture, she won't "have won" yet.. It will escalate if you let her.

This update to the original Reddit post paints a disturbing picture of a child experiencing bullying and mistreatment within her own family. The incident at the birthday party serves as a stark validation of the daughter’s earlier concerns and has understandably prompted the OP to take steps to ensure her daughter’s safety and emotional well-being by seeking a modification to their custody agreement.

When co-parenting involves a step-parent who exhibits harmful behavior towards a child, what are the most effective ways to protect the child and ensure their healthy development? How can parents work together to address such issues and create a safe and supportive environment for their children, even in blended family situations? Share your thoughts and advice on navigating these complex family dynamics and prioritizing a child’s well-being above all else.

For those who want to read the sequel: UPDATE The Midnight Confession That Changed Everything: A Custody War Begins.

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