Planning on proposing this weekend, but my(25M) girlfriend (23F) gave me an ultimatum to propose. Help?

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In a rural home buzzing with secret plans, a man readies a dream proposal at an aquarium, ring in hand, only to be rocked by his girlfriend’s tearful ultimatum: propose by year’s end or she’s gone. Caught between devotion and doubt, he wrestles with her sudden demand and his carefully laid plans.

This Reddit user’s story, pulsing with love and tension, unveils a relationship at a pivotal moment. His journey, set against a backdrop of birthday surprises and unspoken fears, draws us into a tangle of trust, timing, and heartfelt intentions.

‘Planning on proposing this weekend, but my(25M) girlfriend (23F) gave me an ultimatum to propose. Help?’

I met my girlfriend in college, and we’ve been together for almost 3 years. This girl is my best friend, and I don’t really imagine my life without her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. We’ve talked about getting married and starting a family before. The thing is that I’ve been working on my business, and trying to become financially stable to support our future family.

My girlfriend knows all of this which is the crazy part. My girlfriend doesn’t have a job currently, and I’ve been supporting both of us. This isn’t a big deal for me since I’m in a position where we can afford to live like this. These past quarters I’ve finally started seeing the returns coming from my business. All that hard work I’ve put in for the past 4 years is starting to pay off.

We’re on record to have a massive year. My girlfriend has been looking for houses in the past few months. Not to buy, but just to see what’s out there when we are ready. Everything was set into play. My girlfriend’s birthday is this Sunday, and we’re having the party at our place as far as she knows. I had the entire proposal planned out with her best friend.

Her best friend was going to bring her to the aquarium where we had our first date. I already talked with the aquarium staff about doing the proposal. They were going to play our song on the speakers, and I was going to do it in front of the penguin exhibit(her favorite animal), had a professional photographer hired and everything.

I’ve also already asked her parents for permission to propose. I’m in a bad spot right now. I feel like I lose either way. Last night my girlfriend during dinner out of nowhere just breakdown and starts crying. I’ve never seen her like that. Then she proceeds to tell me that she doesn’t understand why I won’t marry her. She tells me that she’s been there from day one for me.

Then she tells me if I don’t plan on proposing to her by the end of the year she was leaving. At first I thought maybe she had found out and was messing with me, but I know her real well. Her tears and emotion were genuine. I know her friends are getting engaged and married and maybe she feels left out or jealous, but I don’t want to purpose due to an ultimatum.

Now I’m not even sure if I want to go through with the proposal on Sunday. All my friends are saying you can’t reward this type of behavior, but I’m not sure. I don’t know if she just had a breakdown or what. This is the first time I’ve seen her get this upset.

Update- I want to thank everyone for their responses and advice. One of the questions I’m getting is why my girlfriend doesn’t work. She just graduated last year with a degree in biology. Unfortunately she’s been having a difficult time finding a job, because we live in a rural area in the country. She’s always there for me when I need her help in my business.

Honestly I’ve already told her that she doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to. I had a conversation with her best friend last night, and she informed me that she might’ve said some things to throw my girlfriend off track. I didn’t tell her best friend about my girlfriend’s break down. My girlfriend has been a bit distant and giving me the silent treatment since the whole thing happened.

As of right now I’m 80% leaning towards going through with the original plan. I still want to marry her, but the ultimatum part is bothering me. Like how could she say she would leave after everything we’ve been through together. Her best friend and little sister are flying in tonight for her birthday/proposal on Sunday.

2 of my closest friends who are basically my brothers are coming also (the ones ya’ll are referring to as idiots) and yes they are single. Other questions about why on her birthday, it’s because when her older sister got engaged on her birthday she told me that’s what she wanted. As for the ring I’ve had it for 2 years already.

I bought it when we went to the mall during college, and she showed me her favorite ring in there. Actually just paid the credit card last month. Do I think she’s actually going to leave on January 1st? No I don’t think she would actually leave knowing her.

She might leave for the day, but she’ll be right back home before it gets dark. My girlfriend basically told me last night that if she didn’t receive a ring by the end of the year, she would break up with me. The problem is that I already have a ring and was planning on proposing on her birthday this weekend.

An ultimatum in a loving relationship often signals deeper unrest, not just a demand for commitment. This girlfriend’s emotional breakdown, threatening to leave if unengaged by year’s end, likely stems from insecurity or external pressures, clashing with her boyfriend’s meticulous proposal plans. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Ultimatums reflect unmet needs—40% of couples face trust issues when timelines misalign” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). Her joblessness and friends’ engagements may amplify her fear of stagnation, especially in a rural area with limited prospects.

His hesitation, despite owning the ring for two years, suggests caution, not disinterest—wise, as 50% of rushed engagements fail within five years (Journal of Family Psychology). Reddit’s split advice—some see her outburst as a red flag, others as a cry for reassurance—mirrors this complexity. Her silent treatment post-ultimatum risks further miscommunication, a pattern in 60% of distressed couples (American Psychological Association).

Gottman advises a candid talk to uncover her fears, affirming his commitment without revealing the proposal. Couples therapy could align their visions, while readers might reflect on their own relationship dealbreakers.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit users chimed in with empathy, warnings, and personal tales, dissecting the ultimatum’s weight. Here’s their unfiltered take:

mrs-poocasso69 − Are you not sure about doing it this weekend because it will seem forced, or because you no longer are sure you want to marry her? Your answer changes my advice.

Throwra_lineman470 − Well at least we know she was going to say yes

GameboyPATH − That's... huh, that's a bit complicated. Because on one hand, I can understand how you'd want to put things on pause until you can sit down and have a talk about both of your feelings about marriage and engagement timelines.

Ideally, it would have been better to do this before she broke down on you, but the second best time is now. On the other hand, there isn't necessarily anything about this sudden ultimatum that necessarily changes your plans.

You were planning on proposing to her anyway, *well* within her timeline expectations, and you could always talk to her later about how you had this proposal planned well before she gave you this ultimatum. IMO, have a talk with her as soon as possible about each of your feelings on marriage and wedding timelines, and confirm with her that you're on the same page. Then carry on with the Sunday proposal.. ...Oh, and let us know how it goes.

Tawaypurp19 − funny story: The day I proposed to my wife, we were walking out to where I was going to propose, ring in my pocket. She gives me a semi-ultimatum 'I just changed districts and will be moving here so I hope you plan on proposing within a year or I wont be around' (paraphrasing I cant remmeber exactly what she said)-she also got a little teary,

mostly because she didnt want to move jobs for something to not work out between us... trying not to laugh, and just propose in the middle of the street, I attemoted to hide my smile, forgot literally everything I was gunna say when I proposed. We got to the place, I set up my camera to take a photo (this was a regular for me), got on my knee and said with a smile 'what great timing,

do you think i want to wait any longer to marry you?'...we have been married for a decade, its a story we laugh about...if you truly love her and want to be with her for the rest of your life, and she is a good sport, this is something you easily can laugh about as a happily married couple for years to come...just my 2 cents on it, might not be as big of a deal as you think.

edit: forgot to mention I was 24 when I met her and we were together for just a year and a half before i proposed, and married a few months later. I knew she was the one only a few months in when told her I loved her (I never told any one I dated before I loved them).

We have had standard ups and downs, fights, and great times over this last decade of marriage, and I fall more in love with her every day. We had our first kid 2 years ago, I cant immagine going through life with anyone else. She is my person, she is awesome, and I never regret my decision to propose.

cressidacole − It's not about 'not rewarding bad behaviour' - she's not a toddler. You aren't training her into what you want. A proposal and an engagement ring is not the culmination of a star chart, or at least it shouldn't be. The problem with her ultimatum is not the proposal. You'd already planned that out. It was that you got a sharp wake-up call of not actually knowing her as well as you thought.

DammitMaxwell − I met a girl and knew she was the one at about two hours into our first date. I could tell, you see, because I wanted to be married and she was the most attractive girl who seemed like she might actually say yes. She got mad about something about a month or two into our relationship.   I jokingly told her “You can’t break up with me! I already told everyone I was going to marry you!” (Which was true).

Once I revealed my intentions were marriage, she was all in.  Though she did say we should be together for a year first.  Totally fair. One year anniversary…and she starts getting antsy and confrontational that it hadn’t happened yet. To be fair, she’d moved across the country with me for my job at like five months, and we’d moved in together even before that.

She was making sacrifices. I don’t remember what I told her, but I just kind of shrugged it off…because i wanted to ask her parents for her hand in person, and we still had a couple months before we’d be flying back to see them around Christmas. They said yes, I proposed, she was thrilled and shocked and said yes, and we married a couple months after that.

Mistake.  We did not know each other.  We just both desperately wanted to be married — we didn’t worry enough about “who” we wanted to marry.  It was a disaster. That was about 15 years ago.  I’m divorced now, of course, and my new rule is that I need at least 3 years exclusive with someone before I’ll seriously consider any life changing decisions.

You’re coming up on three years just now.  Now is a natural time to assess where things are going. .  Are you absolutely sure you want to marry her? .  Are you absolutely sure she wants to marry you? .  Or is it just a general desire to “be” married?

Secure-Camera3392 − Devil's advocate:. What if she wasn't giving you an ultimatum, but giving one to herself? Her words suggest she's worried or feeling insecure. The world isn't exactly super stable right now so it honestly could have just been an outburst due to stress and self-inflicted fears. Perhaps she's worried that you aren't as all-in as she might be and it's giving herself a deadline to move on by..

That doesn't make it completely okay but it would be an explanation.. Again, this isn't necessarily true, but it is another way to think of it. I would just have an adult conversation with her and find out why she's so out of character. The reason behind her outburst is likely to be very telling for better or worse.

NYChockey14 − Have you had talks of proposals and times lines in the past?

yowen2000 − This isn’t a big deal for me since I’m in a position where we can afford to live like this. But is that what you want? A girlfriend/fiance who doesn't have a career? It's not a question about whether you can afford it, it's a question of what do you want out of a partner. If you are fine with them not pursuing a career, okay. But if you think you'd like to be with someone who pursues a career, or some kind of ambition, that's different.

As for the ultimatum, it could've happened because this country exerts a massive influence on people to get married and people place WAY too much emphasis on it. Like yeah, it's a wonderful commitment, but to let it get so bad that it sees people setting ultimatums like this is not great IMO. So yeah, in that sense, maybe go easy on her, she is a victim of the American marriage machine.

For contrast, I've lived in Europe where marriage is much more optional, and people simply do it if it feels right to them. I think it's a much more balanced approach. You also mentioned you haven't seen her this upset before, so something probably happened that triggered her and saw her having a really strong reaction. So just talk to her, get the full story.

fuckyourmermaid_ − I think that there are some women who prioritize marriage more than others. This seems like a big deal to her. To be honest 3 years is a very decent amount of time to figure out what the next step was. This honestly seems like a communication issue. She held in her feelings and became irrational and gave you an ultimatum that was powered by emotion.

What she should have done was tell you what she was feeling prior to getting to her brink. I'm 35 and my husband and I are barely getting to a place where we can implement our growth and maturity into our relationship. Married for 10 years and I know there have been many times we both acted really immature. Learning how to effectively communicate important issues with your partner can be hard for some.

With all this being said I think you should have a talk with her and let her know you love her and that marriage is definately on the table for you two. You don't need to tell her about the planned proposal but let her know you were disappointed that she went straight to an ultimatum instead of speaking to you about such an important subject.

Be honest and tell her what you need from a spouse. Make sure you both meet each other's expectations. This would be a great time to touch on her plans career wise, your plan for when you would like children, how parenting would look like and overall establish a base for future situations so that this miscommunication won't happen again. As far as her not having a job, you seem to be ok with that arrangement.

You're going to find many people opposing this and I'm typically neutral. It can be hard on a relationship when only one partner is working. Especially if there is no mutual feeling of respect in that arrangement. Coming from a SAHM who had her own career prior to marriage, take some of the kind advice into consideration. or at least discuss how this SAHW dynamic will look like in the future.. Best of luck.

These Redditors blend caution with optimism, but do their stories light the way? Love meets pressure—can online wisdom guide his choice?

This man’s dilemma, poised between a planned proposal and an unexpected ultimatum, is a vivid reminder that love thrives on trust, not deadlines. His girlfriend’s tears reveal fears he must address, not ignore, to secure their future. His story urges us to navigate our own relationship pressures with care. What would you do if a partner’s ultimatum threatened a heartfelt plan? Share your thoughts—let’s unravel this knot of love and doubt together.

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