Our Couples Therapist Is Getting Me To Accept My Husband’s Infidelity As A “Trauma Response” To My N__lect In Our Marriage?

A woman with diagnosed BPD shares a painful chapter in her four-year marriage. During COVID she ran out of medication, spiraled into paranoia that the meds were controlling her, refused refills for over a year, and secretly flushed them when her husband tried to help. This withdrawal, anger, and lying created deep isolation—her husband felt abandoned and hopeless. In 2023 he confessed to a months-long affair with a college friend, triggered, he says, by the emotional void.

He only admitted it after the other woman ended things. Motivated by newfound faith, she restarted treatment and they began couples therapy with a psychiatrist. The latest session left her reeling: the therapist framed his infidelity not as simple betrayal but as a “trauma response” to her prolonged neglect and rejection. She feels her agency is being dismissed due to her past instability and is considering switching therapists. Is she wrong for rejecting this framing?

‘Our Couples Therapist Is Getting Me To Accept My Husband’s Infidelity As A “Trauma Response” To My N__lect In Our Marriage?’

The decline began during COVID when access to medication became impossible:

He eventually sought comfort elsewhere:

The latest session shifted the narrative:

The therapist and husband questioned her perspective:

This is a classic case of mutual betrayal in a high-conflict marriage complicated by untreated mental illness. BPD episodes can involve intense fear of abandonment, emotional dysregulation, and black-and-white thinking—leading to withdrawal, paranoia about control, and self-sabotaging behaviors like flushing medication. The wife acknowledges responsibility for lying and alienating her husband for over a year, creating profound loneliness and hopelessness for him. His affair was a destructive coping mechanism, not an excuse, but a reaction to feeling emotionally abandoned in a marriage that felt “dead.”

The therapist’s framing—that infidelity was a “trauma response” to prolonged neglect—aims to contextualize without absolving. In couples therapy (especially with personality disorder dynamics), both partners’ actions are examined to break blame cycles. Dismissing one side’s pain as irrational because of past instability risks invalidation and reenacts the very control fears the wife experienced during her episode. Yet minimizing the affair’s impact because of her role in the breakdown also risks excusing accountability.

Experts like Dr. Marsha Linehan (developer of DBT for BPD) emphasize radical acceptance: both partners must own their contributions without using them to erase the other’s pain. Infidelity is a choice with consequences, regardless of context. The husband must take full responsibility for breaking vows instead of leaving or seeking support ethically. The wife must accept that her untreated illness inflicted real harm—not as “sick me” vs. “healthy me,” but as cumulative impact on the relationship.

Practical path: If the current therapist feels biased toward excusing the affair, switching to someone experienced in BPD and infidelity (e.g., Gottman-trained or trauma-informed) could help. Focus on: rebuilding trust through transparency, consistent medication adherence, individual therapy for both, and clear boundaries around accountability. Forgiveness is possible only when both feel heard—not when one’s pain is framed as less valid due to diagnosis. The wife isn’t wrong to demand equal responsibility; the marriage can only heal when both betrayals are addressed without hierarchy.

See what others had to share with OP:

The community overwhelmingly urged self-reflection and mutual accountability, with many siding against excusing the affair but also calling out the wife’s role:

Most agreed the therapist’s point had merit, but the wife’s feelings were valid:

This raw, complex situation highlights how untreated mental illness and infidelity can create a cycle of mutual betrayal. Both partners inflicted deep pain—the wife through prolonged withdrawal and deception, the husband through a deliberate affair. The therapist’s attempt to contextualize doesn’t erase accountability; it aims to prevent endless blame. The wife isn’t wrong to reject excusing cheating, but dismissing her own role risks perpetuating the cycle.

Do you think she should stay with this therapist, switch, or consider separation? Have you navigated infidelity or BPD in a relationship? Share your perspective below.