AITA for refusing to meet my mom after she went no contact with me for over a decade?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In the soft glow of everyday life, the past can sometimes resurface unannounced—a call, a visit, or an unexpected request for forgiveness. In this complex narrative, a 35-year-old man confronts decades of silence from his mother, whose painful words from the past still echo in his heart. As he steps into a crossroads of memory and emotion, the interplay of regret and self-preservation casts a shadow over what might seem like a simple reunion.

The air is thick with unresolved hurt and cautious anticipation. Having built his life on hard-won resilience and personal achievements, he now faces a moment where old wounds meet new responsibilities. With his recent marriage and a future that promises stability, the invitation to mend family ties brings both the hope of closure and the risk of reopening old scars, setting the stage for a profoundly personal decision.

‘AITA for refusing to meet my mom after she went no contact with me for over a decade?’

So, a little background: I’m 35M, and my parents divorced when I was 17. My dad struggled with alcohol and d**g addiction, and my mom eventually left him, which I totally understood and supported. Living with him was impossible; he wasn’t violent but verbally abusive and he spent all our money on his habits. That was the last straw for my mom.

After the divorce, my dad spiraled—he nearly overdosed and ended up in the ICU. I was living with my mom at the time, but I was scared that my dad would die, so I moved back with him and my uncle’s family. My mom was disappointed but let me make my choice. Losing my mom, most of his friends, going broke, nearly dying finally got through to my dad, and he promised he would get better for me.

It was hard to watch, but he actually turned things around. My uncle paid for everything—rehab, therapy, medical bills—and after about 5 years, my dad was clean and somewhat healthy again. He even apologized to my mom, and she forgave him, though she told me later it was only for my sake so that they could be civil at future events like my graduation or wedding.

Over those years, I kept in contact with my mom, regularly met with her. She had moved on and met a great guy, who she eventually married. She was much happier and I was happy for her. I thought we had a pretty good relationship. That changed when I was 23. My mom asked me to come over, and she told me she was still angry and disappointed that I chose my dad over her after the divorce.

She said I was ungrateful for everything she went through, putting up with my dad’s s**t, and then she hit me with something that still pisses me off today. She told me she could see me becoming a drunk and d**g addict like my dad because I stayed close to him. I don’t drink I don’t do drugs to this day, and I had no idea where that even came from. I was floored.

I thought we had moved past all that, but apparently, she’d been harboring resentment for years. Then, she said that she wanted to go no contact with me because being around me brought back too many bad memories of my dad. She said she had found peace and happiness, and I was a reminder of all the pain she’d been through. I didn’t know what to say except, “Okay.”

I later found out from a cousin on her side that her whole family was pissed at me for staying with my dad back then, and they all went no contact with me for her sake saying that I betrayed her. I haven’t seen or heard from my mom since that day. Fast forward to now: my dad passed away two years ago from a heart attack, a result of his years of addiction, despite being clean for over a decade he had lingering medical issues.

I recently got married, and my wife posted some pictures from the wedding on Facebook. My wife said a woman claiming to be a cousin contacted her. I looked at the message and it was cousin from my mom’s side, asking if it was really me in the pictures with my full name. I told my wife to ignore it, but then I got a call from my uncle later that same day, saying that my mom showed up at his house.

For context, the house where my uncle lives currently used to be the home where I grew up with my parents. My uncle said she asked him to arrange a meeting between us, saying she wants to apologize to me face to face. He told me he can set it up if I want. Honestly, after all these years, I feel nothing for her except maybe slight resentment for thinking that I would turn out as an addict.

I was going to say no right away, but my wife thinks that's a s**tty thing to do and I should at least hear her out, let her apologize, and then go back to never seeing her again if I want. She says despite what she did, she did shield me from most of dad's addictions growing up. Now I 'm having second thoughts. AITA if I refuse to meet her?

Letting past resentments shape our present decisions can be a heavy burden. In cases like this, when a long-estranged parent seeks an apology after years of silence, it forces us to weigh painful memories against the possibility of healing. The tension between forgiveness and self-care is palpable, with each choice carrying implications for emotional well-being and family dynamics. Examining the situation further, the narrator’s history reveals deep-seated emotional scars inflicted by words and actions from his childhood. His mother’s harsh accusations and subsequent decision to go no-contact were fueled by unresolved pain and perhaps an over-extended sense of responsibility for her own wellbeing.

When she now extends an olive branch, it clashes with years of personal growth and the hard choices made to protect his mental health. This uneasy crossroads is common in long-term estrangements where past wounds continue to influence present relationships. Broadening the discussion, experts in family dynamics emphasize the importance of boundaries. According to research published in reputable psychology outlets, establishing healthy limits is often crucial to break cycles of emotional harm. This approach is supported by data showing that clear, firm boundaries can enhance self-esteem and promote healthier future interactions within families.

The decision to reconnect—or not—should be informed by whether the potential healing outweighs the risk of old emotional scars resurfacing. A notable voice in the field, Dr. Gabor Maté, states, “When we are hurt, setting clear boundaries is one of the most compassionate forms of self-care.” His words resonate deeply in this scenario; the narrator’s hesitance isn’t about rejecting the possibility of reconciliation outright, but rather about prioritizing his long-sought healing and well-being. Applying this expert insight, it becomes evident that choosing not to meet may be a conscious step in preserving his hard-earned peace, rather than an act of cruelty or unforgiveness.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—candid, humorous, and unfiltered perspectives on a difficult family choice. While many voices rally behind the sentiment that one should trust their gut and honor their emotional boundaries, others point out that the desire for family connection might lead to second thoughts. Whether it’s about avoiding drama or safeguarding personal progress, community members generally agree: healing is deeply personal and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer.

Excellent_Ad1132 − NTA. But I am wondering if you are an only child. Her reasoning might be that since you got married, you might also be having kids and she wants to be a grandmother. You have to think about what her ulterior motive might be and this is what I come up with.

CocoaAlmondsRock − NTA. You have to go with your gut. It has been 10 years, and she has discovered that you didn't become an addict and instead have created a happy life. You're married -- which means there could be grandkids in the future. Are you happy without her? If you've moved on without that side of the family, if you've created your own happy family, then why rock that boat?

Your wife may not be able to let it go, though, and if you turn your mother down, you're going to have a lot of flying monkeys contacting you and your wife to tell you how cruel you're being. I couldn't deal with that, personally. I don't do drama. She made a choice, and you've respected it. I'd say no and be ready with the block feature.

4getmenotsnot − What your mom said to you is outrageous. How could she bring her adult/marriage issues to you? That's not OK.. Adult issues need to stay with them, not you. You're still their child. I wouldn't meet up with her to hear her out. It's a smoke screen. She needs to feel better about being s**tty, not to talk to you.

She wants forgiveness for the unforgivable so.... she can f off. She projected her feelings of your dad onto you. You didn't choose your dad over her. You stood up and helped take care of him and you did a great job! If no one says this...I'm proud of you for stepping in, and your uncle, to help him. It sounds like you both did well. Kuddos.

You owe her nothing. Your wife needs to take a step back and see the pain this has caused you and support you not push you into this. It's up to you and she needs to stay in her lane. I too have had s**t from family and my hubby would never ever ask me to just meet up to hear them talk. If she l9ves you she'll stay in her lane.

Poku115 −

and told you to your face

the fact she told you she only forgave your dad is manipulative af too

UnderDeskSupportt − NTA. I think you were very kind to be there for your dad when he needed you, even though he should have been the one taking care of you. It was really cruel of your mum to punish you for that kindness, and whether or not you want to hear her out is your decision.

I do like your wife's attitude that you can hear your mum out and then decide if you want to forgive her or not, but what your mum did was s**tty and it would be understandable if you didn't want to talk to her.

Substantial-Air3395 − Does she want to reconcile with you, because she wants to be grandparent?. Updateme!!

xanif − NTA. If you feel it would be beneficial to you, meet with her. If it would provide nothing to your benefit, don't. She had years to reach out and didn't. You don't owe her anything on her timeline.

RSTA30 − NTA for whatever you decide. You owe her nothing.

enkilekee − You were the child. I understand why she was hurt, but she was the grown-up who needed to be a good parent . She was cruel to you with her dismissive words. Your dad beat the odds and got better. That must hurt her a bit. He quit for you, not her. Listen to your gut. Not your wife or uncle or me on reddit. You will be fine either way. If you have something you've been wanting to say to her, you can. But you do not owe her or anyone your peace of mind.

Majestic_Register346 − She said she had found peace and happiness, and I was a reminder of all the pain she’d been through. Throw her words back at her. From your writing, it seems like you were doing just great without mom and now painful memories are being brought back. I hope your wife let's you make this choice yourself and supports whatever you decide. This is really your mental journey, not hers. . NTA 

In conclusion, this story of a long-estranged family relationship challenges us to ponder the balance between forgiveness and self-preservation. Is it truly healing to reopen old wounds, or is it wiser to keep those boundaries intact? The narrator’s dilemma is a reminder that reconciliation should never come at the cost of one’s peace of mind. What would you do if faced with a long-delayed apology from a hurtful past? Share your experiences and thoughts—your story may help someone else navigate their own family crossroads.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *