My wife said something strange about her ex, and it’s really getting to me (I’m 31M, she’s 31F)?

Jonathan Hours
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Two nights ago, a cozy Netflix session turned sour for a 31-year-old man when his wife, tipsy and laughing, dropped a bizarre comment about her ex’s “beautiful feet.” After playfully agreeing his feet were “gross,” her wistful praise for Brock, her abusive ex, hit like a quiet jab. Married four years with a solid bond and baby plans, he thought Brock was ancient history. Yet, her occasional dreamy remarks about him now gnaw at his confidence, leaving him jealous and unsettled.

She’s noticed his mood shift but doesn’t recall the comment, and he’s hesitant to stir tension while cooped up together. His Reddit post lays bare the sting of feeling compared to an ex, pulling us into a tangle of love, insecurity, and past shadows. How do you address a partner’s lingering memories without derailing a happy marriage?

‘My wife said something strange about her ex, and it’s really getting to me (I’m 31M, she’s 31F)?’

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. I will call her Abby. We love each other, have a great marriage, and are talking about having kids soon. I really don't have any complaints. BUT, before Abby met me, she was with a guy, Brock, for two years. She said she was madly in love with him but had to leave him because he was verbally abusive.

Shortly after she left Brock, she met me, and the rest is history. I thought it went without saying that Abby had forgotten about Brock. However, there have been some odd things that she has said about him that make me nervous, or even a little jealous. She once told me that Brock was so good looking that she had a hard time making eye contact.

This was in the context of a conversation about why she put up with his abuse for so long. And when I replayed what she said... She's never said that *I* was too good looking to look at. It's almost like she said Brock was more attractive, and it hurt. I didn't bring this up though because she sometimes gets upset when I mention Brock.

There's also been a few times where she mentioned something that Brock used to do, and she's have this wistful look on her face, almost like she was still enamored with him. This wasn't 100% clear though and it didn't happen often so I let it slide. I have told Abby in the past that I felt a little jealous because Brock seemed like a more attractive man than me, but she assured me that she didn't think of him that way and that she loved me.

All this being said, my wife said something a bit odd about Brock two nights ago, and it's been messing with my head. We were sitting on the couch watching Netflix, and Abby had been drinking a bit. We somehow got on the subject of feet, and how we both thought feet were gross and didn't understand why some people liked feet.

I held my bare foot up and said something like 'can you imagine someone liking my feet, I have gross feet.' Abby laughed and agreed that my feet were gross. (This wasn't particularly hurtful, her tone was playful.) Then after a few seconds, Abby said 'The only person's feet I would ever consider attractive is Brock's feet. He had the most beautiful feet.'

As you can imagine, this killed the conversation, but Abby didn't seem to notice. She was staring off into space. I just went back to watching TV. The next morning, when we woke up, she acted like nothing happened. And maybe she really didn't remember, because she was drunk, and it was an offhand remark. But it's been bugging me for the past couple of days.

Not just because it was about Brock, but because my feet were ugly, then said his were beautiful. Maybe it's silly but it made me feel really insecure and jealous. Abby has noticed that something is off about me. She asked earlier this morning if something is wrong. I denied it, but... I don't think I can just forget about this like I want to.

I'm thinking I will need to sit down with her and talk about the Brock situation. We are cooped up together for the next two weeks at least so that makes things complicated, it's not like one of us can leave if the conversation goes sour. And I hope it doesn't come to that. But.... Any advice on how to broach this subject? Should I broach it at all?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Her drunken comment about Brock’s “beautiful feet” isn’t just quirky—it’s a window into unresolved emotions that unsettle her husband. After four years of a loving marriage, his wife’s wistful remarks about her abusive ex suggest lingering trauma or idealized memories, stirring jealousy. His silence, driven by fear of conflict, only deepens his insecurity, while her unawareness of the comment’s impact points to a communication gap.

This reflects a broader issue: navigating past relationships in marriage. A 2023 study in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that unresolved feelings about exes can undermine current relationships if not addressed (soucre). Her idealization of Brock, possibly tied to trauma bonding, may distort her memories, as Reddit users noted.

Psychologist Dr. Shirley Glass, an expert in relationship dynamics, says, “Transparency about past relationships builds trust, but romanticizing an ex can erode it” (soucre). For this couple, open dialogue is crucial. Her comments, though possibly unconscious, signal a need to process her past.

Advice: Broach the topic calmly, perhaps saying, “Your comment about Brock’s feet caught me off guard, and it’s been bugging me. Can we talk about how you feel about him?” Frame it as concern for your feelings, not an accusation. Suggest therapy for her to explore any trauma from Brock’s abuse. Reaffirm your love to keep the talk constructive.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit jumped in like friends dissecting a juicy story, offering advice with a mix of empathy and bluntness. Here’s what they had to say, straight from the heart.

Tairn79 − 'Abby, I would really appreciate it if you would stop comparing me to Brock.' If she asks what brought this up, tell her how the conversation made you feel. What she said and explain to her that it's pretty obvious those comments would make you feel.

FloptimusCrime8 − I’ve dated men who were physically more attractive than my SO, I would never tell him that because it’s irrelevant and potentially hurtful information. I would hate if he talked about any of his exes the way your wife is talking about hers. You should bring this up to her and be straightforward about it

MatherGrouse − At some point you will have to accept that you don't have good feet. Tell her to quit talking about Brock.

damnedifyoudo_throw − So just throwing this out there: I'm a survivor of an emotionally abusive relationship, too. And honestly, the highs when you are being abused are higher than the highs you get in a healthy relationship - because you're on edge, your adrenaline is going nuts, and you're trauma bonding with the person who's hurting you.

It's really, really easy to think that you've never been loved or will never love someone like you love your abuser, because the adrenaline rush of the highs and lows is so powerful. The thing your wife might not realize yet is that those highs are part of the abuse. They're deceptive. They aren't 'crazy love' or 'once in a lifetime love,' they're the way your brain is trying to protect itself from the trauma.

Brock is probably okay-looking, but when you're in survival mode and your whole sense of self-worth depends on this person, your brain decides he looks AMAZING. It's a trap. It's part of the abuse. My guess is your wife has a lot of unresolved trauma that's manifesting as wistfulness for those intense feelings.

She needs a counselor who specializes in recovering from trauma who can help her recognize those feelings as abuse, not love. Brock is probably not that hot. Don't worry about that. But your wife's brain thinks he is because that's how her brain coped. She needs help to get past that.

tuff_gong − Each if my exes had positive qualities. Why would I bring them up to my wife?

DeepSouthDude − At best your wife is incredibly rude.. Worst case, she's fantasizing about an ex openly in front of you.. Tell her to stop that s**t.

avidblinker − Certainly just be blunt and address this openly with your wife. The comments she’s made in the past were not appropriate and the amount she’s openly comparing you to her her ex is unhealthy. These may be just small slips of the tongue but that mentality itself is not something I personally could pretend not to notice and I consider myself not to be the jealous type.

Rarely is it ever appropriate to talk about an ex in a relationship, especially so positively in comparison to a current partner. We don’t know the dynamic between you and your wife but if it bothers you, have an honest discussion about it. Don’t just say you don’t like it, tell her why you don’t like it. She may just be dismissive saying they are just small jokes, but they clearly aren’t just that to her.

Don’t accuse her of anything or still harboring feelings but explain to her why what she does makes you feel that way. That’s reasonable and don’t allow her to dismiss your feelings. Do not get emotional, do not be openly angry with her or yourself. Also do not “search” for an apology. Just be honest and listen to what she has to say and try to consider her side.

MurtaghInfin8 − I'd just let her know that you feel quite a bit of jealousy when it comes to Brock, and that complimenting him makes you feel smaller by comparison. You don't have to ignore the existence of an ex, but she needs to know she should be filtering her comments about him. I'm sure that she isn't trying to hurt you like that and just feels solid enough in you two, that she doesn't feel like it should threaten you.. It does though, and she needs to internalize that.

galaxychildxo − As someone who has semi-recently broken away from an abuser (a little over a year), I find these comments appalling. Sometimes, even when you know that person was an abuser, it's still really difficult to stop putting them on a pedestal. Because they made you do that. And it's a tough habit to break.

If you've been manipulated and abused enough, you end up with a sort of Stockholm Syndrome where you idolize and even miss that person. I don't talk about it because it makes my husband angry, but keeping it all bottled up is painful for me. She needs to get into some therapy when it's possible, because she needs to work through that trauma.

unbilotitledd − Her heart must have been Brocken

These Reddit takes range from calls for therapy to demands to shut down ex-talk, but do they miss the nuance of her past trauma? Is a blunt talk the answer, or is there more to unpack?

Her offhand remark about Brock’s feet has left her husband wrestling with jealousy and doubt, a small moment exposing bigger questions about love and lingering exes. Their happy marriage now faces a test: can they talk it out without fracturing trust? His story reminds us how past relationships can cast long shadows. Would you confront your spouse about a comment like this, or let it fade? Share your thoughts—have you ever felt compared to an ex, and how did you move forward?

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