My partner 25M and I 23F have been dating for 4 years and have a child together but he doesn’t want to marry me. What should I do next?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy apartment filled with the laughter of a 3-year-old, a 23-year-old woman gazes at her partner, her heart heavy with an unfulfilled dream: marriage. After four years of love, shared bills, and parenting, she’s ready to say “I do,” but he’s not, dodging with excuses about her needing to “grow.” The sting of his words lingers, mixing hope with doubt, as she wonders if her emotional heart is a flaw or a strength.

Her story tugs at readers’ hearts, sparking questions about love, commitment, and what it means to be “ready.” Is she chasing a fairytale, or is he stalling for reasons deeper than he admits? As she navigates this crossroads, her journey invites us to ponder: when does love demand a ring, and when is it time to redefine forever?

‘My partner 25M and I 23F have been dating for 4 years and have a child together but he doesn’t want to marry me. What should I do next?’

So my partner and I have been together for 4 years and he still isn’t ready for marriage. When I first brought up marriage he would give me excuses like “I want to have a wedding that’s different and no one is doing it” “I want to save up enough money for a ring” and even asking“why don’t you propose to me”.

I told him I would and he still told me he wouldn’t say yes. Just recently we had a discussion about it and he finally came clean and told me he doesn’t want to marry me now because I have growing to do. He feels like I’m a bit too childish still. I also feel like he’s a bit childish but I know that I want to marry him and I want to be with him forever and he says he knows the same thing but yet no ring.

We’ve lived with one another for 3-4 years and we have a 3 year old child. I’m not sure what else he’s looking for me to grow from besides my age. He says I’m an emotional thinker and that I tend to get revenge when I’m wronged. I have grown a lot from that and I know I’m still growing from it but it doesn’t seem like that’s a valid reason to me especially because we’ve been together for 4 years and have a child.

Update: We are talking about this marriage thing again and he now said that he won’t marry me because he feels like I give my energy to stuff that doesn’t need my energy and I make everything more than what it is. However, everything that I give my feelings towards is family and friends with the small life inconveniences. I pointed out that we are doing the same thing and his only response was that he doesn’t do it as much as I do it.

This young woman’s longing for marriage after four years and a child is understandable, yet her partner’s reluctance signals a deeper rift. His critique of her “childishness” and “emotional thinking” suggests a power imbalance, where he positions himself as the arbiter of her readiness. Her emotional nature, far from a flaw, reflects passion for family and friends, but his dismissal risks undermining her self-worth.

This dynamic touches on broader issues of commitment avoidance. A 2023 study from the Pew Research Center found that 30% of cohabiting couples cite differing readiness as a barrier to marriage (source: pewresearch.org). Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes, “Refusing commitment while critiquing a partner’s character can erode trust, creating a cycle of insecurity” (source: gottman.com). Here, the partner’s vague demands for growth feel like a stalling tactic, possibly masking his own fears or disinterest in marriage.

She should consider couples counseling to clarify their goals, as suggested by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Honest dialogue might reveal if he’s truly invested. If he remains dismissive, she must weigh staying in a non-committed relationship against seeking a partner who shares her vision.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s crew chimed in with a mix of tough love and sharp insights, like friends dishing advice over coffee. Here’s what they had to say:

LongjumpingSnow6986 − He is never going to marry you. You need to decide if you’re willing to stay with the way things are or if it’s time to go. He thinks you need to be perfect to be worthy of marriage. You will never be. Maybe he’s just s**tty but this also is the kind of thing verbally abusive dudes say.

isitallfromchina − OP truth be told, when someone WANTS to do something they DO it and don't make excuses. You can keep hanging on this thread and trying to be Cinderella, but at some point you'll need to admit it's just a fairtale and will not happen. At least not with him.

1000thatbeyotch − He isn’t ever interested in marriage with you from the way he always makes an excuse. Now is the time to decide whether you want to continue a relationship with him or move on to find someone who is interested in marriage. Couples counseling would be an option.

Angel-4077 − Why did you have a child with an uncommited guy?

[Reddit User] − He didn’t want to marry you and that’s all there is to it. You can stay his baby mother or move on.

Same-Raspberry-6149 − Sometimes it’s just better to move on. After being with someone for that long and having a child with them and they still can’t say they want to marry you, you are wasting your time staying. You deserve someone who wants to be with you. You deserve someone who wants to marry you and share a life with you. If he thinks you’re “not right”, you deserve to be with someone who thinks you are.

Dry_Ask5493 − Leave and co-parent. Stop wasting your time on a man that will not marry you.

HotShoulder3099 − Lol you’re grown up enough to birth and raise his whole kid but not to marry? Nah, that’s an excuse and he’s not even bothering to make up a good one

Telling you that how you think is wrong is trying to “logic” you out of what you feel and what you want, it’s a very bad sign, especially now he’s tied it to a “reward” (marriage) you can “earn” by “growing up”, ie agreeing with his opinions to the detriment of what you want.

He’s trying to make you compliant. If you really want to marry this guy (and personally I wouldn’t), it’s ultimatum time, marry or split up (and make sure you get child support) - but only if you really mean it. I think he’s far more likely to leave than marry you

Ruthless_Bunny − You have two choices.. 1. Decide you don’t care about marriage.. 2. Leave him and coparent. That’s it. He’s not going to change his mind. Unless he finds someone he WANTS to marry. He doesn’t want to marry YOU.

Entire-Initiative-23 −   He says I’m an emotional thinker and that I tend to get revenge when I’m wronged. I have grown a lot from that and I know I’m still growing from it. What kind of revenge did you take on him when he wronged you? 

These takes are bold, but do they capture the full story, or is love’s messy reality harder to pin down?

Her quest for a ring is more than a desire for tradition—it’s a stand for mutual commitment after years of shared life. Whether she stays or seeks a partner who matches her dreams, her courage to question her path is inspiring. What would you do if love came with excuses instead of vows? Share your stories or advice—how do we navigate love when forever feels one-sided?

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