My girlfriend 24F isn’t speaking to me 27M after finding out I have been with a guy. What should I do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In a cozy apartment, over a glass of wine and a nostalgic scroll through old photos, a couple’s lighthearted chat took a sharp turn. When a 27-year-old man casually mentioned his university ex-boyfriend, his girlfriend’s laughter faded into stunned silence. Five years of smooth sailing in their relationship hit a sudden storm, leaving him scrambling to understand her radio silence. The air grew heavy with unspoken tensions, as trust, once rock-solid, wobbled under the weight of an unexpected revelation.

This tale pulls us into the messy, human side of love, where past and present collide. It’s a raw moment that stirs up emotions about openness and intimacy. The story’s emotional depth, laced with the sting of unspoken truths, sets the stage for a gripping exploration of how honesty and timing can shake even the strongest bonds.

‘My girlfriend 24F isn’t speaking to me 27M after finding out I have been with a guy. What should I do?’

For context, me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years and basically it has been smooth sailing ever since. A few days ago though we were having a conversation about how my university life was. Over a glass of wine we where scrolling through pics I had.

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Then she asked about a guy she saw in many of them and I stupidly told her that he was my ex boyfriend. At first she laughed but when she understood I was serious she got a weird look on her face. At that point I knew I messed up, but didn't expect her to outright stop talking to me.

She didn't say a word and I tried to have a conversation many times. Earlier this morning she left for her parents house, but thankfully she hasn't packed anything so I'm hopeful. How should I try to resolve things since she is clearly not open to discussing it? 

Discovering a partner’s hidden past can feel like a rug pulled out from under a relationship. For this couple, a casual photo-scrolling evening turned into a trust-testing ordeal. The girlfriend’s shock likely stems from learning her partner’s bisexuality five years in, not necessarily from the orientation itself. Her silence and retreat to her parents’ home signal a need to process this unexpected puzzle piece, as trust wavers when core truths surface late.

The man’s hesitation to share reflects a broader issue: fear of judgment. According to a 2019 Pew Research study, 48% of bisexual adults feel misunderstood by both straight and gay communities. This stigma can lead to self-censorship, even in close relationships. His casual reveal suggests he didn’t see it as a secret, yet her reaction highlights mismatched expectations about openness.

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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments… when partners choose honesty over avoidance”. Here, the man’s omission, intentional or not, created a trust gap. His girlfriend may feel she doesn’t fully know him, sparking doubts about their bond. Gottman’s insight suggests that rebuilding trust requires consistent, open communication, starting with their upcoming talk.

To move forward, the man should approach their conversation with empathy, acknowledging her shock without defensiveness. He could explain why he didn’t share sooner—perhaps fear or assuming it was irrelevant—while affirming his commitment. Couples counseling could help them navigate trust issues, as could mutual openness about their pasts. Honest dialogue remains key to mending their connection.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit’s hot takes are as spicy as a wine-fueled debate! The community chimed in with empathy, tough love, and a dash of humor. Some saw the girlfriend’s silence as a natural response to feeling blindsided, urging the man to give her space to process.

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Others viewed the omission as a breach of trust, emphasizing that five years is a long time to keep such a truth hidden. A few highlighted societal stigmas around bisexuality, suggesting her reaction might stem from surprise rather than prejudice.

[Reddit User] − In 5 years you never told her you’re bi? She’ll feel deceived and like she doesn’t even know you and you don’t even trust her to express your true self to her. It’s a form of betrayal. She probably feels really stupid. Especially considering other people know, but not her, your girlfriend of 5 years.

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NoDanaOnlyZuuI − Is this how she learned you’re bi?

lhankel13 − How can you be together for 5 years and not talk about your past? Like it's a main part of your life and has shaped who you are as a person. I talk regularly with my girlfriend about our past, childhood, past relationships etc. Even if the presence is what matters most, the past still has influence on your personality.

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Our memories and experiences define who we are, so like she did I would need some time to process that as well. Question: How open was she about her past? If it's only you who keeps such big secrets, she could also think you don't trust her fully

BigSexyAL − Give her the space to come to understand what you have told her.. I see people calling your gf a gay hater in the comments which I don’t think is necessarily true.

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You have kept a very large part of what makes you who you are a secret from her and she has the right to some time to process it.. Overall she’s probably trying to process the new information and work out who it it is she’s actually with.

Specialist-Debate-64 − I think its one of those things you expect to learn in the first 6 months, not 5 years in when you think you know everything about a person (especially s**ually). She’s probably just struggling to adjust the idea she has of you. If she has an bias against bi-s**ual orientation thats another thing.

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The_Cheese_Master − You've gotten a lot of good (and a lot of bad) advice, and I really hope some things being shared does help you. For my input, it really comes down to how you think she received the information since you know her better than anyone else commenting on this post.

Do you think she's upset because you had a relationship with a guy?  Or do you think she's upset because she's just now finding out about it? It's totally okay if you arn't sure, but honestly the only way to figure out how to move forward is to figure out where you need to start from.

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I don't think either of you is wrong, or messed up, etc. Learning something like that can be a huge shock, she's got this image of you as a completed puzzle, and suddenly, she has this new piece.  Now she has to figure out where that piece goes, so she is going through that puzzle piece by piece, wondering if she missed something

wondering if any other pieces are still missing. In reality, that new piece isn't new. It's a piece from an old puzzle, a past you. It doesn't change anything about who you are now. She just has to come to that realization.

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International-Fly175 − I think the issue here is that it came as a surprise. You both know each other for 5 years you know her best if this is a dealbreaker or not for her. I can't speculate on her reasons but the very least I think it made her feel insecure.

I think you need to give her some space now but reach out with a message saying these things and then let her come to you when she feels ready. 'Hey! I love you a lot and I apologize this came as a shock to you. It was never my intention to blindside you and I can certainly understand how it could come out like that.

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If you need to take some time to process this I understand, but please know I am here ready to talk and answer any questions you might have or any other clarifications you need to show you how much I love you and how committed I am to you. I hope sincerely that with open communication we can find a way to clarify this as I see a future with you and I would hate to lose that'.

Your words ofc but you get the idea. And then leave it to her. But yeah after 5 years together radio silence is not the best and healthiest way to resolve an issue. Life will throw you hurdles and you need to be able to express how you feel and resolve them together.

lecorbeauamelasse − I’m the last person to force anyone out of the closet, but the fact you’re living with her and have been with her for five years and haven’t come out to her speaks to a lack of trust in your relationship. You need to sit down with her and be honest if you want to try to salvage this, but it may not be fixable. 

sanguinepsychologist − Look, you’ve been together for *five years*. Yet you’ve somehow kept such a huge part of yourself from her during that entire time ? Who wouldn’t be shocked ? Who wouldn’t need time and space to process such a reveal ? Who wouldn’t help but wonder how well they *actually* know you ?

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I suspect this isn’t about your girlfriend having an issue with your sexuality and absolutely an issue of *trust*. After five years … that kind of information should not come out of nowhere.

Critchley94 − Just want to throw it out there that I recall a study (studies?) showing that if a man hears about a woman being with a woman, they don’t assume the woman must be gay, but women hearing about a man being with a man will more likely assume they’re gay. This makes men reluctant to talk about any experiences they’ve had if they aren’t indeed gay.

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I told my wife about a childhood experience of mine before we got married, and fortunately she took it well and understands that I was dealing with trauma, but there’s a massive amount of fear that stopped me telling her for years, and in fact she is now the only person who does know. This will be the same for many others and potentially OP.

This couple’s story reminds us that love thrives on trust, but even strong bonds can wobble when past truths surface unexpectedly. As they prepare for a crucial talk, the path forward hinges on honesty, empathy, and patience.

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Their journey reflects the delicate dance of balancing personal history with partnership. Share your thoughts and experiences below—how do you navigate surprises in a relationship? Let’s keep the conversation flowing!

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