My ex-Wife (F38) and I (M38) divorced because I was infertile and unwilling to use a sperm donor. How should I tell her that my GF (F24) is pregnant?

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Imagine a quiet coffee shop, where the clink of cups mingles with the weight of unspoken words. A 38-year-old man sits, heart heavy, planning how to tell his ex-wife that his 24-year-old girlfriend is pregnant with his child—a miracle doctors said was impossible. Years ago, his infertility tore their marriage apart, leaving her dreams of a big family in tatters. Now, this unexpected joy feels like a double-edged sword, threatening to reopen old wounds.

Their divorce was amicable, marked by love and mutual support, but the pain of unfulfilled dreams lingers. Still connected through mutual friends, he knows this news will hit her hard. With his girlfriend’s support, he’s determined to handle this delicately, but the how—face-to-face, a letter, or through her family—eludes him. Let’s explore his story and how to navigate this emotional minefield with care.

‘My ex-Wife (F38) and I (M38) divorced because I was infertile and unwilling to use a sperm donor. How should I tell her that my GF (F24) is pregnant?’

My ex-wife is a complete girly-girl who loves children and always wanted a big family. She is a primary-school teacher and was a doula for her sister's births. We started trying when we were both 28 and had been married for 5 years. After 18 months without success we both got fertility testing.

I was found to be infertile. I went through several diagnostic procedures and treatments that, frankly, I would like to forget. I was told the odds of me conceiving naturally were close to zero. We considered IVF, but the specialist said it was not viable. The whole episode took about 5 years from beginning to resignation.

I was upset, but my ex-wife was devastated. She was briefly hospitalized for an acute depressive episode in 2015. It did not help that her younger sister had 5 children by that time. My ex-wife wanted to use a sperm donor.

I understand that biology isn't everything, but despite counseling and my best efforts at rationalization, I could never moderate the feeling of revulsion at the idea of choosing to raise another man’s child. I knew I could never see the child as mine… maybe a stepchild... at best.

My SIL called that toxic masculinity. ;(. So... unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Deal-breaker. We divorced in 2017. It was a strange divorce, we both loved and supported each other throughout. We were still living together until about six months after the finalization, when my ex-SIL started finding men for my ex-wife to date.

I then made myself scarce. We briefly reunited numerous times during the next year and are in each other’s wider social circle to this day. As I understand it, she has had no long-term relationships since our divorce, and surprisingly, no children.

In mid-2018 I met my current GF. I revealed my infertility early in the relationship. She said she always thought she would have children, but she was young enough that by the time she was ready, maybe they could fix me. I pointed-out that this was setting-up both of us for future heartache, but I had fallen for her, so I wasn't going to argue.

In April this year she missed her period. When the test came back positive, her first reaction was to go into full panic mode and swear she had never cheated on me. I never doubted her but realized that’s what every cheated-on partner says. But hey, you can now get a prenatal paternity blood test as early as 7 Weeks.

Who knew?! The baby is mine, we are both delighted. I went to a fertility doc to see if anything had changed. It hadn’t. How did this happen then? His answer: 'you won the lottery'. Part of my problem was that the few sperm I did produce were deformed, so we have undertaken every available prenatal screening.

This is also why we have only told 4 other people. But now we have the all clear. I share numerous friends and acquaintances with my ex-wife. We cannot conceal this from her. I know her, and although it has been two years since we were close, I know this will devastate her.

My GF knows all the history and is totally supportive. She thinks that telling my ex-wife before she finds out is the right thing to do. How should I go about it? Should I contact my ex-wife’s sister or mother so they can be there? Maybe write a letter they can deliver? Tell her to her face? Ick.. I do not want to cause my ex-wife any more pain than is inevitable.

Delivering life-altering news to an ex is like tiptoeing through a field of emotional landmines—one wrong step, and the fallout could be devastating. This man’s concern for his ex-wife’s feelings shows deep empathy, rooted in their shared history of fertility struggles. Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Delivering sensitive news requires balancing honesty with compassion to minimize harm” (Psychology Today).

The ex-wife’s past depressive episode signals her vulnerability, making the delivery method critical. His hesitation to tell her face-to-face is understandable—her pain could feel like a mirror to his own guilt. Yet, a direct approach risks overwhelming her, while involving her family might feel intrusive. Her longing for children, unfulfilled since their divorce, amplifies the stakes, as this news could rekindle her grief.

This situation ties into a broader issue: navigating emotional triggers in post-divorce relationships. A 2020 study by the American Psychological Association found that 42% of divorced individuals report distress from ex-partners’ major life changes (APA). Dr. Heitler advises, “Choose a private, neutral setting and allow space for the recipient’s reaction.” A letter, delivered via her sister, could offer control over her response time while showing respect.

For solutions, he should craft a concise, empathetic letter acknowledging their past and her feelings, emphasizing that the pregnancy was unplanned. Suggesting she lean on her support system, like her therapist or sister, shows care without overstepping. Following up later to check in gently can maintain their cordial bond. This approach honors her while protecting his peace.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit gang dove into this bittersweet saga like friends at a late-night diner, dishing out sympathy with a side of shade. They offered a mix of heartfelt advice and blunt takes on this delicate situation. Here’s the raw scoop:

[Reddit User] − Not helpful but - - this was really sad to read.

bdsimmer − As soon as you start telling other people, she needs to know. Maybe be one of the first people to know other than close family of your GF. It's very tough but it's best to rip off the bandaid quick. It was against all odds but you won the lottery with this.

You want to tell her because you still care for her very deeply, and know how much this would hurt to hear from someone else so you thought it best to tell her yourself as soon as you were given the all-clear. I hope it goes smoothly, and hope the pregnancy goes by smoothly with a healthy delivery! Congratulations my dude.

[Reddit User] − Yikes (The age gap). 😐 Edit: Everyone here is complaining about how commentators are misandrous towards OP but damn, have some empathy for the ex wife. She’s having it taught already.

MxPlume − This is just a train wreck all the way around.

Leoka − I was told it was impossible for me to get pregnant without medical intervention by a couple doctors.. i somehow won the lottery too and ended up pregnant. My partner was less than a year out of a marriage with his ex who very desperately wanted kids, but my boyfriend didn't want to gamble with some very strongly inherited medical problems she'd had (on top of other issues between them).

Their divorce was fairly amicable (the three of us socialized on occasion) but he was presented with the same issue of how to tell her. He took her for a walk and broke the news to her on his own (we both felt this appropriate and didn't want her to think we were rubbing the pregnancy in her face).

I think that was the best way to do it, there's no way to get around your ex partner being hurt but you do small things to lessen the impact. Telling her on your own would be the best. EDIT:. Forgot to add we did tell her before we told anyone other than our parents, as we also thought it best she hear it from him first.

DyscordPeach − My god, is it written into law somewhere that divorced 40 year old men must start dating women half their age when the divorce is finalized?. Worrying about bringing a baby into the world when you're robbing the cradle? F**king gross bro.

[Reddit User] − In mid-2018 I met my current GF. I revealed my infertility early in the relationship. She said she always thought she would have children, but she was young enough that by the time she was ready, maybe they could fix me. I pointed-out that this was setting-up both of us for future heartache, but I had fallen for her, so I wasn't going to argue.

So everyone’s just going to ignore the fact that this grown ass man is taking advantage of the fact that this young woman is “too young to care about having kids right now” after he just experienced what it’s like for a woman in her 30s who is ready to have kids be unable to.

He did NOT learn one single lesson from his past. No his divorce was not his fault at all. But wouldn’t a real man at almost 40 date a woman in her 30s who his child free? Not a young girl he’s just trying to smash cause she’s hot and carefree?

I’m 25 and I’ve always preferred older men cause they always seemed so mature but super into me. They always make me feel like an exception but as I get older I realize it’s just a perversion. Now this man has impregnated this young girl who doesn’t even know what to do with her life and didn’t even know if she wanted children because she’s so young.

And he’s happy as a clam! Sir, you weren’t smart enough to wear condoms at the very least to protect each other from diseases and the chance of pregnancy? Careless actions for a grown man. You lived your life and had your freedom.

When that baby starts crying all night and she wakes up at 23 years old cleaning up after a baby and a grown ass 40 year old man, don’t be surprised when she dumps you to go party and have fun and date men her own age. Or simply level up as a single woman and raise her kid on her own. I better hope you grow up and stop chasing tail.

Be a man and a father to this kid. No more f**king around. She’s going to make immature decisions until she’s 30 because she’s young. Be a man and withstand it. This was your choice so don’t f**k it up. Y’all date 18-24 year olds as 40 year old and wonder why women lie and cheat lol. Stop manipulating young attractive women into being your baby mammas. It’s gross.

mythsarecrazystories − Is your ex-wife in therapy? Or does she have a therapist? It just feels like if her mental health is going to be affected it would make sense to have the advice of a professional.

DeadSharkEyes − Yeah someone sure won the lottery. Your poor ex wife won the shittiest hand in life. I really hope she has strong supports surrounding her right now.

whateverwhatever1235 − Frankly I’d be ready to hear that she’s in the hospital again with this news, if I were you.

Redditors urged swift, direct communication to spare the ex-wife the pain of hearing secondhand, while some bristled at the age gap with his girlfriend. Their responses, laced with empathy for her grief and cheers for his miracle, highlight the messy intersection of joy and sorrow. It’s a reminder that even happy news can stir up complicated feelings in a shared social circle.

This man’s story is a poignant reminder that miracles can carry a sting for those left behind. His ex-wife’s unfulfilled dreams cast a shadow over his joy, but his instinct to tread lightly shows enduring care. By choosing a thoughtful delivery, he can soften the blow while embracing his future. How would you handle sharing life-changing news with someone tied to your past? Share your thoughts below to keep this heartfelt conversation going.

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