My (62M) spouse (62F) has been lying to me our entire marriage; am I being played?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a cozy living room, where photo albums brim with memories and a 62-year-old man sips coffee, heart heavy with doubt. For 11 years, he believed his wife was a retired teacher, her tales of classrooms and troubled kids weaving a vivid tapestry of her past. But now, whispers from trusted sources reveal she never taught—just worked at the school. Every story, every parent-teacher conference, every recital? Lies.

This bombshell shakes the foundation of their six-year marriage. Was her love genuine, or was it his financial security she sought? With her disabled daughter in their home and no school friends to vouch for her, he’s left wondering who he married. His search for truth, including a database to verify her Illinois school employment, drives this emotional saga. Let’s unravel his story and explore how to face such a betrayal.

‘My (62M) spouse (62F) has been lying to me our entire marriage; am I being played?’

I (62m) met my wife (62f) 11 years ago. We were both divorced and hit it off well, and after 5 years of dating, we tied the knot. She was a teacher for 25 years in Illinois and retired in 2013 (the year we started dating) due to conflicts with administration.

She was married to an a**oholic/gambler and lost everything, even cashing in her pension trying to save the house, and came into the marriage with nothing. To me, my friends, family and neighbors, she was a retired teacher who married badly.

I just learned from impeccable sources that she was never a teacher, but did work at the school. All the videos and pictures she sent were from indoor recesses in actual classrooms. All the struggles in getting her teaching certificate was a lie.

All the parent/teacher conferences she told me about never happened. All the plays and recitals she described in such detail were lies. All the stories about troubled kids she got close to were lies. She's been letting everyone believe this for 11 years.

I don't know what to make of this. I feel like I don't even know this woman. What else is a lie? I’m financially secure and she had nothing. Does she love me or the security? Now it makes sense that she has zero school friends or colleagues.

You’d think that after 25 years at the same school in the same grade there would be some solid friendships, but there are none. Her slightly disabled daughter lives with us full time. She works, but she’ll never have a career that would support her.

If we divorce, they’re both screwed. I feel I have to know the truth, even though this information was given to me by two separate people who were very close to her. Is there a database that would list school personnel from Illinois for

Discovering a spouse’s long-term lie is like finding a crack in your home’s foundation—suddenly, everything feels unstable. This man’s wife crafted a teacher persona for over a decade, a deception that questions her motives and their bond. Dr. Shirley Glass, a psychologist specializing in trust, notes, “Lies erode intimacy; rebuilding requires honest confrontation and accountability” (Not Just Friends).

Her lack of school friendships and fabricated stories suggest shame or insecurity, perhaps about her actual role as support staff. Yet, her lie’s scale—sustained through photos and detailed anecdotes—hints at deeper issues. His fear that she married him for financial security is valid, given her past financial ruin. The daughter’s dependence complicates divorce, adding pressure to resolve this thoughtfully.

This ties to a broader issue: deception in late-life marriages. A 2021 study by the Journal of Marriage and Family found that 30% of older couples cite trust breaches as a divorce factor (JMF). Dr. Glass advises, “Direct, empathetic dialogue can clarify intent and rebuild trust.” Verifying her employment via Illinois’ Educator Lookup () could confirm her role without escalating conflict.

For solutions, he should approach her calmly, sharing what he’s learned and asking for honesty, perhaps with a counselor present. Checking school yearbooks or contacting the district for employment records can verify her role discreetly. If her love proves genuine, therapy can mend trust; if not, he must weigh his commitment against her betrayal. Clarity starts with truth, even if it stings.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit crew dove into this marital mystery like detectives at a book club, blending sympathy with sharp insights. They dissected the wife’s lies with fervor, offering takes both cautious and bold. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

UsuallyWrite2 − Hire a private investigator. What do you plan to do though if you find out that she lied about all that and gave confirmation?

Karaoke_Singer − The extent and duration of these lies seem extreme. If you have proof, my own inclination would be to hire an attorney. There’s no reason to believe you could ever trust her again.

Basic-Escape-4824 − So what was she doing for those 25 years? Any clue from your sources?

Old_Cheek1076 − So she did work at the school but not as a teacher? Certainly weird thing to lie about, but maybe there’s a reason. Instead of jumping right to a decision on divorce, why not be a grownup and have a conversation?

greywar777 − Goto the online school yearbooks places.

Ihatethis77 − If she taught for 25 years, shouldn’t she have a pension? Edit - Googled to answer my own question. Teachers in Illinois qualify for a pension after ten years of service. They qualify for full pension at 67. (I’m so sorry, American friends.) But they can take early retirement with a reduced pension at 55. Amount received depends on years of service.

Super_Chicken22 − Judging by what you say and how you say it, it seems you may have already made up your mind, and are here for validation. Playing the Devil's Advocate here. If you did not know any of her past, would your relationship still be a problem?

Or are you using this as a excuse to get out of a relationship you are regretting for other reasons? The story is about her past, but you have not said what kind of person she is, or have shown how that is affecting your present or future. Are you scared now she is going to do something to you to get your stuff?

What kind of person is she, other than the things you have been told about her? If you are going to d**p her, then it should be for reasons that are here and now, and her past may not be an issue. But if you think her lying is something you cannot handle, then you need to be clear how that affects / will affect you in future.

Unless you talk to her about this and get closure it nothing will be clearer, And people on this forum may have their opinions, but there will be no solution to your problem. Have it out with her. A marriage counselor may be well worth talking to before you do anything else.

xovanob − You can try looking up her license:.. If she had a license in the past it may show on the site.

VictoryShaft − I'm kinda struggling with her taking pictures and videos of the kids playing at recess and holding on to them all these years. But using them to fabricate and continue to be evidence of her 'teaching' career is kind of gross.

Support staff at schools are extremely important. But maybe your wife was ashamed she was never able to earn her teaching certificate? That could be why she has lied for so long. It's still an extremely weird thing to lie about, especially for over a decade.

Now is the time for you to have a very real conversation. Get her to agree to complete candor during the conversation. Ask her when she started her position as a playground monitor. When she starts to lie, stop her and remind her of her pledge of honesty.

If she continues to lie, tell her exactly which her friends have FINALLY told you the truth. Then, if you want, tell her she can have one more chance to tell you everything. Remind her that you can not be with someone who breaks your trust. Please also tell her to get rid of the pictures and videos. Most of those children would be adults now.

Chernobyl_Wolves − Wait, did your sources tell you that the photos and stories and conferences were lies? Or did they tell you that she was a para rather than a teacher at the school? What exactly have you been told are lies, and what are conclusions you’ve jumped to?

Redditors urged him to verify her story, some suggesting a private investigator, while others pushed for a heart-to-heart to uncover her reasons. The creepiness of her keeping classroom photos struck a chord, as did her lack of pension. Their mix of outrage and advice underscores the shock of learning a spouse’s past is fiction.

This man’s discovery of his wife’s 11-year lie is a gut-wrenching reminder that trust is a marriage’s bedrock. Her teacher facade, woven with vivid tales, now unravels, leaving him to question her love and their future. A database check and honest talk could light the path forward, whether to healing or hard choices. Have you faced a partner’s hidden past? How did you rebuild trust—or move on? Share your stories below.

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