My (47F) pregnant daughter (22F) is going to marry an incarcerated man (29M). How can I go about this situation?
Imagine the quiet of 3 a.m., pierced by a soft knock on the door. For a 17-year-old—let’s call him Noah—that sound marked the start of his twin sister’s silent plea for comfort. Reeling from her boyfriend’s sudden death in an accident, she slipped into Noah’s king-sized bed, seeking refuge from her grief-soaked solitude. Night after night, she returns, not for closeness but for the safety of his presence, her whispered requests for distraction echoing in the dark.
Noah’s heart aches for her, but doubt creeps in like a chilly draft. Their twin bond, forged in the womb, makes her need feel natural, yet he wonders if this coping ritual is normal or if he should loop in their parents, against her wishes. Readers feel the weight of his dilemma, drawn into a tender tale of grief and sibling loyalty. Is Noah’s bed a haven or a sign she needs more help?
‘My (47F) pregnant daughter (22F) is going to marry an incarcerated man (29M). How can I go about this situation?’
I’m concerned for my child. Yes she’s an adult but I feel like she’s making the worst decision for herself. I don’t approve AT ALL. My daughter had good things going on for herself. She graduated high school, went to college and graduated with her associates, got accepted into dental school and all of its going down the drain because she’s chosen to invest her time and energy into her “soulmate”.
About a year ago, my daughter started writing letters to prisoners as a pen pal to keep them company. At first I was uncomfortable with the idea for many, many reasons (it never crossed my mind that she’d fallen for a criminal) but I still rented a P.O. Box for her so she wouldn’t give out her address.
My daughter was in a healthy relationship with her now ex-fiancé. They’ve been together since her senior year in high school. They just had their first child over a year ago, expecting another, and they got engaged 6 months ago. A month ago, my daughter told me that she and her fiancé were taking a break and two weeks ago she called off the engagement and left him.
He’s a complete wreck. He told me it hurts that his family that he created with my daughter is now broken. He feels so blindsided as do I because I believed my daughter was truly in love but she wasn’t, she wasn’t happy. I’ve been very supportive of my daughter during this whole situation, that is until she told me she was already in a new relationship.
I was taken aback. I obviously started questioning her about it and she confessed that she had fallen for one of the prisoners she’s written to, in fact, they’ve been together for 3 months. It makes me sick to my stomach even typing this out right now because I just can’t believe it.
She said they’ve been in contact for almost 8 months and since then they’ve fallen more and more in love with each other. She’s visited him multiple times, in fact she’s even taken my grandson to see this man. She’s shown me pictures of them embracing and him holding my grandchild.
I’ve done some research and looked up his charges and I’m livid she even brought my grandson, even herself around someone who could do such horrible things. I’m terrified for my daughter and grandson. I’ve tried expressing my concerns to her but she’s in a whole other world.
She told me the last in person visit they had he popped the question and she said yes, that’s when I snapped. I was and am very pissed about this whole situation and she’s hurt that I’m not supportive of her decisions. She defended their relationship and her choices and we started arguing.
It got so bad that now she’s not speaking to me or allowing me to see my grandbaby and it breaks my heart. I love my child but I will never approve of this relationship. I understand that as an adult, she has the right to make her own choices, and l’ve always been proud of her independence.
But as someone who truly loves her deeply, it’s hard for me to watch her make a decision that I feel could be harmful to herself and my grandson. I’m scared for her because of what I’ve learned about this person’s past, and I can’t shake the fear of what could happen. I don’t want to lose her or my grandchild to a situation that seems so risky. I don’t know what else I can do and I feel so hopeless. Please, what else can I do?
Noah’s story tugs at the heart, showing how grief can reshape even the closest bonds. Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a grief counseling expert, says, “Grief often seeks comfort in familiar, safe spaces, especially among close family” (Center for Loss). Noah’s sister, devastated by her boyfriend’s death, turns to her twin—their lifelong connection offering a lifeline through her pain.
Her behavior reflects regression, a common coping mechanism where 60% of grieving teens seek childhood comforts, per studies (National Alliance for Grieving Children). Sleeping in Noah’s bed isn’t about physical closeness but emotional security, as their twin bond amplifies trust. Noah’s acceptance shows empathy, but her request to keep it from their parents suggests shame or fear of judgment, a hurdle in processing grief.
Dr. Wolfelt advises supporting grievers while gently encouraging professional help: “Validate their needs, but guide them toward counseling.” Noah could reassure his sister her feelings are normal, suggesting they talk to their parents together to access more support, like her ongoing therapy. Readers, reflect on how you’d balance loyalty and concern—empathy can anchor someone while nudging them toward healing.
For Noah, respecting her wishes short-term is fine, but long-term, Wolfelt suggests family involvement to ensure she’s not isolating. Since she’s in therapy, Noah might ask how it’s helping, fostering openness. His story reminds us grief demands patience and connection. Support her now, but encourage broader help to navigate her loss.
Heres what people had to say to OP:
The Reddit crew rallied around Noah’s post like a virtual hug, tossing out support, insights, and a few reality checks. Here’s the unfiltered vibe from the crowd:
terayonjf − I would personally give all the information you have on the new guy to the ex and implore him to get to family court immediately and fight for full and sole custody of the kids. You can’t stop your adult child from ruining her life and putting herself in danger BUT you can assist in getting your minor grandchild away from this situation and away from her poor decision making.
She may hate you for doing this but the safety of the child is more important than her clouded feelings right now and maybe the courts threatening to remove her child might be the wake up call to stop the foolishness
stiletto929 − If this prisoner has been convicted of s**ual crimes involving a child, he is absolutely using her to get access to her children so he can abuse them too.
Other crimes than that, we’d really need to know more about the crime involved.
But be aware that almost all defendants will lie about what happened, especially for s** crimes. So he will frame raping a child as, “She told me she was 18 and I believed her.” Or “The child came onto ME.” If you could get ahold of the police report for his case, and get it to your daughter to read, maybe that would change his mind.
Because I bet he fed her a pack of lies about what landed him in prison. Try to talk to the DA for his case and ask them about him. Also run a criminal record check on him. If he is a domestic abuser, he will say his ex was crazy. Try to find out how many “crazy exes” he actually has to show your daughter the common denominator is him.
cassowary32 − Is the former fiancé fighting for custody? How does your daughter plan to support her two kids? Hopefully the ex will be able to make sure the kids are safe and get CPS involved if they are not. I have a feeling that the exhaustion from single parenting a newborn will have your daughter coming to her senses soon.. How much longer is her partner in jail for?
CakeZealousideal1820 − Tell her ex everything so he files for full custody, and in the meantime, his attorney needs to make sure she never ever takes that baby to prison ever again. That felon has no business being anywhere near those children. If she wants to marry him, good luck to her, but those kids need to be priority #1.
torchedinflames999 − Tell her that she is. Victim to a predator who probably has several women just like her seeing him. Not exactly how the law works where you live but I would think that prisoner visit records are public and you could get a FOIA request for them. Show her how many other women are seeing this guy.. She is getting played and I feel sorry for you.
PomPomGrenade − You are in the worst position a caring parent could ever be in:. Do you tell your daughter that she is a moron and have her cut you off. Or. Do you swallow all comments, smile, nod and get a first row seat of your daughter burning down her life.
She has to learn the hard way and there is nothing you can do about it. When you say something then she will walk away from you and if he is the POS you worry him to be then her being isolated from her loved ones is exactly what he wants.. I am so sorry.
SomethingSoGeneric − There’s quite a lot written online about why people fall for penpals behind bars. Am not an expert at all but I gather that it’s to do with how the prisoner has a lot of time to compose/think about what to write; it’s easy to feel romantic about someone who is not actually there in front of you, basically it can all be your fantasy with no cold hard reality;
these people can be there for you 100% emotionally, without having to juggle work, parenthood, finances, etc. It’s kind of understandable how she could fall for him, while also, of course, being a potentially Very Bad Idea and horrible for you and the father of her kids.
If I were in your shoes I would try to stay onside for your daughter – she is going to need you in the future, and if you estrange yourself from her now, you won’t be able to be there for her later. I would also be trying to ensure that the grandchildren are safe, and maybe that means helping their father with sorting custody arrangements.
And finally make sure your grandchildren’s father knows you are supportive and on his side in this, too. There is still the possibility of the family getting back together once your daughter does come to her senses.
adeptusminor − FOR EVERYONE ASKING: O.P. HAS STATED THAT HIS CRIME WAS MURDERING HIS LAST GIRLFRIEND.
No_Performance8733 − You and her ex-fiance need a cult deprogrammer and he needs a lawyer. STAT. . This is all completely abnormal behavior. . I’m thinking it’s possibly postpartum psychosis, some other type of disorder or mental illness. .
Your daughter needs an intervention. She is not displaying sound thinking. . Criminals can be very VERY persuasive. . Through a lawyer, you also need to notify the warden of the jail. . What was this man convicted of?
Razszberry − I have friends from all walks of life. Those who’ve been incarcerated will be the first to tell you those relationships are typically a sham. These guys get lonely, they need someone to help them. Some have whole networks of women who support them emotionally and financially.
I’d be very weary if his crime is related to children, DV , or any other s** crime. Those guys rarely if ever tell the truth of their participation. It would be great level of protection if the bio dad got custody of the kids.
As far as the daughter, she probably feeling very special, she is getting to hear absolutely everything she wants because that’s how he’s keeping her around. Protect those kids. She’ll either learn her lesson or he’s truly a changed man and will give her the life she wants. Only time will tell.
These Redditors cheered Noah’s compassion, calling his sister’s actions a natural response to loss. Some urged him to keep her confidence, others pushed for deeper talks about her grief. But do these takes fully guide Noah, or just echo his instincts? One thing’s clear: his quiet strength for his twin has sparked a wave of empathy and advice.
Noah’s bed has become his sister’s safe harbor, a testament to their twin bond amid her shattering grief. Her nightly visits seem normal for now, rooted in loss, but Noah’s instinct to question signals care. Supporting her while gently nudging toward family or therapy could help her heal. Have you ever been someone’s anchor in grief, or needed one yourself? Share your story—how do you balance comfort with helping someone move forward?
