My (32m) fiancé (31m) told his parents we weren’t together.

Jonathan Hours
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In a cozy suburban home, the glow of a recent engagement dims under a cloud of confusion. A 32-year-old man, beaming with love for his fiancé, Jack, and their blended family, faces an unexpected sting: Jack introduced him as just a “best friend” to his parents during a surprise visit. The words cut deep, unraveling a tapestry of trust woven over four years. With a 10-year-old son watching, the man grapples with hurt, wondering if love can thrive in the shadow of secrecy.

This tale of hidden truths tugs at the heart, inviting readers to ponder the weight of family ties and unspoken fears. As the man navigates his fiancé’s silence, the story unfolds with raw emotion, sparking curiosity about what lies beneath Jack’s reluctance. It’s a reminder that even in love, some doors remain locked, waiting for a brave conversation to set them free.

‘My (32m) fiancé (31m) told his parents we weren’t together.’

My fiancé, Jack, and I have been in a relationship for almost four years now and have a child together (My son (10) from a previous relationship who he helped me raise since my son was five) he proposed to me two months ago, and I’m so happy. I struggled with discovering my S*x** and finally came to terms with being gay two years after my son was born, and when I met Jack,

I felt like my life was finally coming together. I had a fantastic son and a wonderful partner, but since Sunday, I’ve been conflicted about what to do. Jack’s parents came for a surprise visit on Sunday and are staying with his sister. We went over to see them, and he told them I was his best friend and nothing more.

I kept quiet about it while we were there, but when we got home, I asked him why he said I was just a friend, and he told me that his parents didn’t know we were together. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, so I just walked away and went to our bedroom. For context, I’ve only met Jack’s parents twice, once when we were still friends and the second when we just started dating.

He didn’t want to tell them the second time as we had only been together for a couple of months, which I understood. He talks to his parents every now and then, and I thought he would have mentioned that we were together, especially when we got engaged. His parents were a bit absent when he was growing up but have gotten closer the past few years.

They were supportive when he came out as bi and didn’t have any problem with him dating men. He has no problem telling other people we’re together or expressing his love for me, but when it comes to his parents, he doesn’t. I feel like he’s ashamed or embarrassed to be with me, and I don’t know what to do.

He’s the love of my life and the first romantic partner I could be myself with. I don’t want our relationship to end, but how am I supposed to carry on when he won’t even tell his parents about us? I know I need to talk to him about this, but I don’t know how to bring it up. I feel so upset about all of this.

Jack’s decision to conceal his engagement feels like a punch to the gut for his fiancé, but it’s a puzzle with more pieces than shame. Relationships often carry the baggage of family history, and Jack’s gray-rocking—keeping his parents at arm’s length—hints at deeper roots. “When someone hides a significant relationship, it’s often less about the partner and more about protecting themselves or their loved ones from judgment or past pain,” says Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, in a Psychology Today article.

Jack’s parents, once distant but now closer, may carry expectations or biases about his bisexuality, despite their surface-level support. The OP’s hurt is valid—being erased stings—but Jack’s silence might shield their family from potential conflict. A 2021 Pew Research study notes that 40% of bisexual adults face skepticism about their identity, which could explain Jack’s caution.

This situation reflects a broader issue: navigating family acceptance in queer relationships. Jack’s gray-rocking could stem from fear of rejection or a desire to control the narrative. For the OP, open communication is key. Dr. Gottman advises approaching such talks with curiosity, not accusation, to uncover hidden fears. The couple could benefit from discussing boundaries and expectations, perhaps with a counselor’s guidance, to rebuild trust.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit community didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of spicy takes and heartfelt advice. From theories about Jack’s past to calls for blunt honesty, these comments add fuel to the emotional fire. Buckle up for some candid wisdom!

[Reddit User] − Dude, this is clearly about something between him and his parents that has nothing to do with you. Make him explain instead of obsessively guessing.

PrimeShirohige − As a guy with parents who were fuckin losers growing up I hate em and think they have no right to know wtf is going on in my life and try to avoid contact as much as possible been married for a few years now and they don’t know s**t about it given your situation I’d assume it’s along similar lines

Assiqtaq − Your fiancé might be trying to protect you from them. Specially if they have been estranged. You need to have a discussion with him about them, one where you aren't assuming he is ashamed of you but rather that he might be ashamed of them.

And even if he isn't ashamed of them, they might be a threat to him and his chosen life. They aren't automatically entitled to information about him or his life, specially if they have done something in the past that he had to be protected from.

No-Lifeguard-8273 − I don’t think he’s ashamed of you or your family. He’s probably ashamed of what they will say to you or to him. I’m bi, my sister knows this. My close friends know this, some of my coworkers know this but my parents don’t. 

My dad is very h**ophobic and even if I come out to my parents one day I wouldn’t want them to know if I was dating a woman as I’m afraid my dad would say something or do something bad to her.. I wouldn’t want to bring her around him but i also would never hide her from my family.

Hiding your partner is painful to everyone. Talk with your fiancé about this. He may have issues with his S**** when it comes to his parents since it seems they are the only ones who he’s hiding you from. He needs to know that this behavior hurt you. 

HellaGenX − It sounds like your fiancée is “grey rocking” his parents, which means he is intentionally not telling them important info about his life. There are MANY reasons that he would do this and none of them are because of you! “Grey rocking” parents is usually because the parents currently are or previously were abusive, narcissistic, pessimistic, controlling, or some other mental health condition or personality disorder.

Maybe his parents think his bi-sexuality is “just a phase” and wouldn’t be ok with him marrying a man or maybe his mom is one of those dramatic types that will take over all the wedding planning and drive him crazy!. You won’t know until you have an open and honest conversation with him!!

BlueberryBatter − “Hey, I think we need to sit and talk. I was hurt that you didn’t tell your parents that we’re partners. Is there a reason for that?” Could be any number of reasons. He may well feel as if his parents don’t “deserve” to know much about his life. You’ve only known them a short time, from an adult perspective. He’s known them his whole life.

Abuse takes many forms, and n**lect is one of them. A story that sounds relatively mundane to you isn’t necessarily the entire truth of the matter, especially when you factor in a child’s emotions. His parents may well be supportive, now. That doesn’t mitigate years of him feeling as if he didn’t matter to them. Talk to your partner. He’s the only one who has insight into his own thoughts and feelings.

Sure, maybe he’s hiding things out of shame. He wouldn’t be the first, he won’t be the last to do so. And he might just be reverting to behavior he knows with his parents, to share as little information with them as possible. Talk, talk, talk. Love isn’t enough, and without communication, real communication, love will never survive.

Fabulous_Ask_4069 − His parents are baby boomers, and I think there’s a greater percentage of that generation whom hold traditional ideas about marriage and relationships. With that being said, even though he has come out to them as bisexual and even if they said they were accepting of it, they may not be.

I think many parents can seem to be accepting when their child comes out, but the only true test of their acceptance is when they enter a relationship. It may be the case where they “accepted” him as bisexual, but your fiancé may have gotten the hint that wasn’t entirely the case, hence his presentation of you as his best friend.

Not to mention that him being bisexual also would give them a glimpse of hope that he’d choose to be with a woman. I would definitely talk with him about his real reasons for not disclosing your engagement to them.

I think you should directly ask whether or not they would accept your relationship, because his coming out does not necessarily answer that as a yes. You can’t carry on the relationship with him in secret, that’s just not realistic. If he truly loves you, he will tell them. Although it’s not easy, he’ll do it if he wants to spend his life with you.

Lilac-Roses-Sunsets − Has he told your sister?

Snozzberrys − Jack’s parents came for a surprise visit on Sunday and are staying with his sister. Does his sister know?. I know I need to talk to him about this, but I don’t know how to bring it up 'The fact that your parents don't know we're engaged, or even together, really surprised me and made me feel like you're ashamed of our relationship in some way.

Can you explain to me why you felt the need to hide your relationship status from your parents?' Given the context of the situation, there's many reasons why he would hide this from his parents that could have nothing to do with you or the way that he feels about you, but he still owes you an explanation and **the fact that he didn't warn you ahead of time or explain his behavior after the fact is a massive red flag**.

FamilyDramaIsland − A lot of people said great stuff here, so I'll just tack on that some people are pnly accepting of bi folk when they think the bi person is going to eventually 'settle down' with someone of the opposite s**. 🙄 So learning that person intends to make a commitment like marriage, or raising a child can bring up all sorts of worms. Hope that's not the case here.

But do these Reddit hot takes hold water in real life? Maybe it’s time to dig deeper and see what’s really cooking in this family drama.

This story leaves us dangling on the edge of love and secrecy, with a fiancé’s silence casting a shadow over a joyful engagement. The path forward lies in a heart-to-heart, where curiosity and care can unlock hidden truths. What would you do if your partner kept your love under wraps? Share your experiences or advice below—let’s spark a conversation about love, family, and the courage to be seen.

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