My [29F] husband [34M] just told me I disgust him?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a rented car winding through unfamiliar roads, a 29-year-old woman, let’s call her Mia, grips the passenger seat, her heart heavy with unspoken hurt. Her husband’s sharp words—“You disgust me”—echo in her mind, a cruel jab after years of emotional neglect. Married for nine years, Mia’s once-hopeful love has frayed under his infidelity, outbursts, and refusal to apologize. Her phone, buzzing with messages from faraway friends, feels like her only lifeline in a foreign land.

Mia’s story, poured out on Reddit, paints a vivid scene of a woman caught between numbness and resilience. Living abroad, far from her support network, she navigates a marriage that feels like a one-sided battle. Her quiet strength, tempered by exhaustion, draws us into a tale of betrayal and the search for self-worth amidst emotional turmoil.

‘My [29F] husband [34M] just told me I disgust him?’

We've been married for 9 years. I've been feeling frustrated and sad by the general lack of empathy he's shown me over the years. It took a year of therapy for me to realize that, no, I'm not going crazy - my feelings are actually valid and I'm not always the one in the wrong.

One example from last year was that he'd trickle truthed me about having kissed not one, but two people at a party. The only reason why I was able to get this out of him was because I'd gotten suspect of him asking if I'd ever 'done anything with anyone else'.. Lo and behold - it was projection! lol

I was pretty numb, and kind of dazedly pushed for details. He blew up on me about 'Don't you think I already feel bad enough?? Why are you interrogating me'. Basically, the fight became about how bad HE felt and why I should feel bad for him..

We more or less addressed that, but I think something in me...snapped? I felt less and less willing to 'forgive and forget' (especially without apologies, which are very, very rare) and kinda disengaged. This past weekend we rented a car to go to his mother's place for lunch.

I mentioned that I'd like to try driving just a bit too, since I'm not used to driving in this country and it helps me be independent if ever I'm in a situation where I need to (I have a license, but back in my home country, and mostly on automatic cars).

He came up with his usual excuse of 'no, you're not on the insurance/limited km/etc' and changed the subject before I could get another word in. I later brought it up in a playful manner during lunch, and he blew up on me in front of his mom (who said nothing).

Slammmed things and yelled about...I don't remember, tbh i was just sorta bewildered by the violence of his reaction. I tried to downplay it because i was embarrassed.. But I shut down since then. I just felt hurt and numb and...tired.

He didn't apologize, but slowly pretended like everything was okay again. Until I brought up again how my feelings had been hurt, which made him angry again with me. I took an angry walk and called my friend for support.

When I came back, he'd suddenly sent me a gift card by email for a spa (a 7 months late bday present...) and seemed like he wanted to pretend like everything was fixed.. Spoiler alert: it's not lol

Since then I've been mostly doing my own things, and communicating a lot with friends from my home country, who are directly affected by a lot of what's going on right now.. Today, he snapped and told me 'You disgust me' because I'm always on my phone and disengaged.

I feel like I should be more hurt/shocked by this? It feels like a pretty strong thing to say. But I don't know. I'm too tired. I don't know what my question for you all is. I guess I just needed to share my feelings in a place where they might be considered.. Thank you.

Mia’s marriage reveals a painful truth: emotional abuse can cut deeper than words. Her husband’s infidelity, gaslighting, and verbal attacks—like calling her “disgusting”—form a pattern of control, not love. Relationship expert Lundy Bancroft, in Why Does He Do That?, explains, “Abusers thrive on power, using anger and blame to keep their partner subdued”. Mia’s numbness is a natural response to years of being invalidated.

This dynamic reflects a broader issue: emotional abuse affects 1 in 4 women, per a 2020 study by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Mia’s husband’s tactics—cheating, yelling, slamming objects, and love-bombing with a belated gift card—aim to keep her off-balance. His refusal to let her drive further isolates her, a red flag of coercive control.

Bancroft advises documenting incidents and seeking support, steps Mia has begun by confiding in friends. She could explore therapy to rebuild her self-esteem and consult a lawyer to understand her options, especially in a foreign country. Local resources, like those at TheHotline.org, could guide her next steps.

Mia’s story is a stark reminder that love shouldn’t diminish you. By reclaiming her independence—perhaps through a driving course or part-time work—she can start rebuilding her life. Her courage to share her pain is the first step toward healing.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s responses hit like a gust of fresh air, cutting through Mia’s fog of doubt. The community sees her husband’s behavior as manipulative and abusive, pointing to his cheating, gaslighting, and violent outbursts as clear red flags.

Many urge her to leave, emphasizing that his actions—blaming her for his guilt, isolating her, and insulting her—show a lack of respect. Others praise her resilience, encouraging her to document incidents, seek legal advice, and reconnect with her roots for strength.

[Reddit User] − I couldn't even finish reading the entire post. I had to skim over it after you mentioned him victimizing himself for his own wrongdoings. Your husband was beating around the bush about kissing other women at a party, became hostile when you asked for more information about it, and tried to guilt trip you for feeling hurt over the situation.

He also wants you to feel bad for him because he “already feels bad” for what he did? This not only sounds ridiculous, but very selfish and manipulative. Leaving your spouse is easier said than done, but you should definitely think about why this might be the best decision you could possibly make. I hope all is well with you.

[Reddit User] − This marriage sounds over. You're now apathetic, and he's getting more and more aggressive. You're obviously suffering, and you need to get out. There's always marriage counseling, but cheaters don't deserve a second chance ever, in my opinion.

Llangardaix − This is an abusive relationship. You need to get out there asap.

Days_last_too_long − Leave.

MonarchistExtreme − It sucks being in a relationship with someone who's incapable of putting other people's feelings above their own. After awhile you just assume the other person is incapable and give up trying. You are young enough to start over tho.

Killstraumen − r/narcissisticabuse

[Reddit User] − You need out of this relationship now. I'm not surprised you're numb. You're in a pretty bleak situation, and your brain turned the off switch to stop you from hurting worse. I had PTSD from child abuse and a couple of abusive relationships as an adult. I'm not a mental health professional, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least if you had PTSD from years of an abusive relationship.

And he IS abusive. He cheated on you, lied to you, gaslighted you, got violent (it doesn't matter that he didn't hit YOU--hitting the walls, etc. is an intimidation tactic abusers use to show you what they CAN do and will someday), lovebombed you (with a lousy gift card in lieu of a birthday gift; ew), and finally went back to insulting you. You're not going crazy; you're being driven crazy.

Talk to a divorce lawyer. Do you have documentation of all the abusive things he's done, including the cheating? Find as much as you can and start documenting incidents. Check the laws where you are to see if you can record conversations. Save screenshots or emails of anything he sends you. How are you set financially (i.e. can you support yourself)? Can you stay with friends or family?

Finally, start seeing a therapist. There are also free mental health podcasts and support groups available, plus you can check out self-help books. For sure check out Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, which is available online as a free PDF. Moving forward, try picking up a new hobby or some volunteer work or other social activity to help you make friends and rediscover yourself.

Having plenty of options for how to spend your time in a healthy way helps keep you on the right track. Also make sure to take care of yourself physically as that will affect your mental health as well. I want to say 'Take yourself to the spa with that gift card so you look like a million bucks in divorce court and/or for the next guy,' but you should hold off dating for a while.

You can always give the gift card to somebody else. I had an ex try the gift card thing with me when we broke up; I spent it on cat beds for the shelter.. I am sorry your husband is not considering your feelings. They deserve consideration and are considered here.

JudyLyonz − You are in a foreign country, away from friends and family. He won't let you drive, thereby limiting your ability to move around without him. He's having emotional outbursts, gaslighting you and calling you names.

I see red flags that this can easily end with you being physically abused. You need to activate a hasty exit plan. There are folks on this subreddit who have links to info that can help you.

femmemalin − This is an abusive relationship. Please consider leaving... it's only going to get worse now that you've stopped drinking his Kool-Aid.

princessSnarley − This is transactional love. As long as you shut up and are a good girl you will get loved. Rock the boat, so to speak and you’ll get the wrath. I say sign up for a local driving class. Won’t be too expensive. Do you work? Maybe start a part time job.

He doesn’t want you to become independent because that is his way of keeping you to himself.  Once a woman sees how other people are treated well and respected, they wouldn’t put up with his crap and he knows it.

Instead of making himself a better man, he would rather beat you down emotionally to his low level. Don’t fall for it. Also be careful because often when the words don’t stop you from going that’s when physical abuse can start. You sound like a wise woman.

Mia’s story is a haunting reminder that love shouldn’t leave you numb. Her quiet defiance—turning to friends and questioning her husband’s cruelty—sparks hope amidst the pain. As she stands at a crossroads, her journey challenges us to value our worth over empty promises.

Have you faced a moment where you had to choose yourself over a toxic relationship? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments—let’s keep this conversation alive!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *