My [27F] boyfriend [29M] just called me fat even though I’m 5’2” and weigh 120 pounds. Why is he doing this? How do I move forward?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A casual remark cut deeper than a knife when a 27-year-old woman’s boyfriend called her fat, despite her petite 120-pound frame at 5’2”. As a mechanical engineering PhD student with a vibrant life of painting, hiking, and glowing confidence, she was blindsided by his so-called “jokes.” Strangers compliment her beauty, and dating apps overflow with matches, yet his words chip away at her self-assurance, leaving her puzzled and hurt. Torn between her fear of never marrying and the sting of his cruelty, she’s at a crossroads.

This story isn’t just about a hurtful comment; it’s a raw look at how subtle jabs can unravel even the strongest self-esteem. Her suspicion—that his insults stem from insecurity about her academic success—hints at deeper issues of control and respect. It’s a relatable struggle for anyone who’s faced a partner’s unexpected cruelty while wrestling with their own worth.

‘My [27F] boyfriend [29M] just called me fat even though I’m 5’2” and weigh 120 pounds. Why is he doing this? How do I move forward?’

I think I’m a good catch. I’m a mechanical engineering PhD student at a top 20 program, have a bachelor‘s and master’s in mechanical engineering, have hobbies such as painting, hiking, and I take care of my appearance enough to do skincare and makeup.

I have had strangers stop to tell me that I’m beautiful, so I guess I am moderately attractive.. ​ yet I have this boyfriend who keeps trying to knock me down a peg by calling me fat. I weigh 120 pounds at 5’2”. I don’t know how it’s so hard to just be nice to people.

It takes no effort, so I’m so confused why he’s doing this. Even if they’re just “jokes”, then why is he making them? Maybe he is insecure about the fact I’m working on a PhD? I know I have no problem attracting men and finding another option because I once signed up for a dating app

And immediately got tons of matches within the first 10 minutes of signing up. Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do. How do I get over this fear and move forward?

The woman’s boyfriend’s repeated “fat” comments, despite her healthy weight and evident confidence, suggest a deliberate attempt to erode her self-esteem. As a PhD student with notable achievements, her success may threaten his insecurities, prompting him to “knock her down a peg” to maintain control. Her fear of breaking up, tied to worries about never marrying, shows how his tactics are working, sowing doubt in an otherwise self-assured woman. His behavior aligns with emotional manipulation, a red flag in relationships.

This scenario reflects a broader issue: negging as a tactic to undermine partners. A 2023 study by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 25% of women in relationships experience subtle put-downs aimed at lowering self-esteem, often linked to partner insecurity (https://journals.sagepub.com). Such behavior can trap women in unhealthy dynamics, fearing solitude over abuse.

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, an expert on toxic relationships, notes, “Negging is a power play to keep you doubting yourself, ensuring you stay” (https://www.doctorramani.com). The boyfriend’s insults, masked as jokes, aim to dim her shine, not reflect her reality. Her hesitation to leave, despite her appeal to others, underscores the emotional grip of such tactics.

To move forward, she could confront him calmly, stating how his words harm her and observing his response. If he dismisses her, it’s a sign to prioritize herself. Therapy or support groups can help unpack her marriage fears, reinforcing that singlehood is better than toxicity. Building a support network of friends and mentors can boost her resolve to seek a partner who uplifts, not undermines, her brilliance.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit users were unanimous in their outrage, labeling the boyfriend’s comments as manipulative and abusive. Many saw his “jokes” as negging, a tactic to lower her self-esteem so she feels trapped, especially given her impressive credentials and attractiveness.

They urged her to leave, emphasizing that staying with someone who disrespects her is worse than being single. Some highlighted her fear of never marrying as a sign his tactics are working, encouraging her to value herself over a flawed relationship.

matchamagpie − He wants your self esteem in the g**ter so you won't realize you deserve better

Not-nuts − But you surely don't want to marry this AH.  You need to work on your self respect and d**p him.

detrive − You think you’re a good catch, but you’re too scared to leave because you don’t think you’ll find anyone else. That’s exactly why he’s doing it. Because you are an amazing catch, he knows it, you knew it

But he obviously isn’t an amazing catch so he needs to break your self worth before you realize he sucks. To make you start doubting yourself and thinking he’s all you’ll get. And it’s working.. Why stay with someone who wants to knock you down a peg?

Noetherville − Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do. Oh look, his negging is working. It’s just a matter of time when he has undermined your self confidence enough where you don’t even go to Reddit to question his behaviour. You’ll just believe he’s the only option left if you wanna get married. 

WildlyUninteresting − You want to marry someone that insults and doesn’t respect you?. How could being single be worse?. At least you have a chance at better.. Staying guarantees nothing better.

Predd1tor − Maybe instead of being afraid you’ll never get married, you should start being a little more afraid of what marriage would look like with a partner who constantly insults and berates you. I think that’s a future far scarier.

RubyJuneRocket − Men do this to women with high self esteem (which you sound like you have, you have a lot going on for yourself and sound great!) because they believe that if the woman has lower self-esteem she’ll be less likely to leave them because she will feel too badly about herself to think she has a chance with anybody else.

He may not consciously realize he’s doing this - it doesn’t matter. This man is never going to champion your wins. He is never going to support you in the way you deserve. Also studies repeatedly show single women are usually the people with the happiest lives. Knowing that, for me, marriage had to be something that was going to make my life better.

Why would I take away from my happiness otherwise? I got married last year in my late 30s and it was the first relationship I ever felt like I wanted to marry a person because I knew they were a real partner to me. Not some a**hole who thinks he can keep me around by calling me fat when I’m not. 

OkSouth79 − Deep insecurities coming out as verbal abuse, and it will get worse, never better

Song4Arbonne − I do notice that you describe yourself as a catch in entirely external terms— people tell you that you are beautiful; you are in a STEM PhD so the implication is you must be intelligent; you weigh 120 pounds at 5’2, etc. but do you feel beautiful and smart?. More importantly, what’s your personality?

Who are you beyond a collection of facts? Do you desperately people please? Do you vacillate between thinking you need to have someone so you’re not alone, and wanting someone who is easier to please? Have you ever been alone with yourself? If you don’t like you, you will always doubt others choosing you. Please work on that.

PhoenixMorgan2021 − First thing, stop being afraid you’ll never get married. Married isn’t the end goal in life. Second, d**p that guy, if he feels the need to say offending things like that you should kick him to the curb. He doesn’t deserve you, you deserve way, way better.

This painful tale of a boyfriend’s cruel weight jabs reveals how words can wound even the most confident hearts. The woman’s struggle—balancing her fear of singlehood against the reality of emotional manipulation—highlights the courage needed to choose self-respect.

It’s a stark reminder that love should lift, not lower, one’s spirit. Share your experiences—how have you dealt with a partner’s hurtful words, and what helped you reclaim your confidence?

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