My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me. How do I respond?

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On a sun-dappled trail winding through whispering pines, a casual hike turned sour for one woman when her boyfriend’s words cut deeper than the path’s gentle incline. Hungry and hurrying to finish a spontaneous two-mile loop, she faced a “joke” from him about dangling a donut on a stick to “motivate” her fitness. The quip, meant to be lighthearted, landed like a stone, stirring insecurities she’d asked him to avoid. Her past struggles with weight and an eating disorder made the moment sting all the more.

This Reddit tale weaves a familiar thread of love tested by thoughtless words. It’s not just about a poorly timed jest—it’s about respect, boundaries, and the delicate dance of supporting a partner’s growth. As the woman grapples with hurt and frustration, her story pulls readers into a heartfelt debate about sensitivity in relationships.

‘My (24F) boyfriend (32M) told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me. How do I respond?’

We’ve been dating for about 8 months, met about a year ago. I like hiking (casual, easy going scenic hikes) and so does he, but he wants to do more difficult ones. The other day on our hike (2 mile loop, somewhat easy) I got hungry halfway through and picked up the pace as I get dizzy and lightheaded if i’m too hungry.

When he noticed and asked why I was going faster, I said it was because I was getting hungry. We didn’t pack any snacks because it a bit spontaneous and also a short hike. He told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me to get into shape and get better at hikes (to be completely transparent I don’t remember the *exact* phrasing he used but this was the gist of it).

He said this as a joke, but i don’t exactly consider it a funny one when I’ve asked him not to make jokes that poke at my insecurities and also not to make comments about my diet.

I’m not the most athletic person, but I have been going to the gym casually and eating better but taking it slow because I a) know my limits and b) if i don’t build up these habits slowly I won’t stick to it.

I had to tell him once before not to comment on my diet or anything because it put me in a bad headspace. I used to weigh ~50 pounds more and had an eating disorder, so any progress is a lot for me and i’m proud of myself.

Once, while I was taking an exam online and he was over studying for one as well, I ate a cheese danish (i love cheese danishes) and he made a comment of “what about your diet?” Am I being dramatic when I say I’m still upset?

I get he wants me to be healthy, and he comes from a place of wanting to be able to do more with me, but it’s getting to me. I don’t know how exactly to say this in a way that he genuinely understands

How do I phrase this without being overly aggressive (because I’d really like to be because my previous attempts haven’t gotten through to him).. For context (if it makes a difference) I’m 5’7 and around 220 pounds on a good day.

This hiking mishap reveals a rift wider than the trail itself. The woman, proud of her slow but steady health journey, asked her boyfriend to steer clear of diet or weight comments, yet his donut “joke” ignored her boundary.

His earlier remark about her cheese danish suggests a pattern of insensitivity, not a one-off misstep. While he may aim to encourage fitness, his approach dismisses her emotional needs and past struggles.

Body image tensions often strain relationships. Research shows over 60% of women report body dissatisfaction, with partner comments amplifying stress. Outdated notions of “tough love” can backfire, especially when tied to sensitive histories like eating disorders.

Psychologist Dr. Charlotte Markey has noted, “Supportive partners affirm progress without judgment.” The boyfriend’s jibes, even if playful, undermine trust. For the woman, addressing this means calmly reinforcing her boundary, perhaps saying, “I need you to respect my request to avoid diet comments.” If he persists, reevaluating the relationship’s health is wise. Respect is non-negotiable.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s response to this story is a fiery blend of empathy and outrage. The community rallies behind the woman, slamming her boyfriend’s “joke” as insensitive and disrespectful, especially given her clear boundaries.

Many call his behavior “negging,” a manipulative tactic to erode confidence, and point to the age gap as a red flag for control. Others urge her to leave, arguing she deserves a partner who uplifts, not undermines, her progress.

CatCharacter848 − If this is a one-off bad joke, then tell him it was unappreciated and expect not to hear 'bad jokes' again. The worry is if this habitual and is his way of 'motivating' you and he keeps making these 'jokes', this is not on, and you need to consider your relationship. You should not have to live like this.

Jen5872 − 'He told me he should put a donut on a stick to motivate me to get into shape'. Ask him 'Should I beat you with the stick to motivate you to be less of an asshat.'

[Reddit User] − You say this. 'I have asked you to stop the comments about my weight and diet. If they continue, I will have to take some time to consider if this relationship going to continue.'. That's a boundary. You have to follow through though.

VxGB111 − This isn't the question you asked, but imma put it here anyway. Age gaps tend to be bad. Scroll through this very sub and look at the posts that have large age gaps. It's just about always some manipulative, abusive AH getting with a younger lady. They do it because older women won't put up with their BS.

What he's doing is called negging. It's lots of small put downs and 'jokes' designed to wear down your self esteem. It's a control & manipulation tactic. You have been together less than a year, and you've already had multiple instances of him negging you about an insecurity.

At 8 months, he should still be on his best behavior. Think about that, as the honeymoon phase wears off, his behavior will get worse as he gets more comfortable. Essentially, this is probably as nice as he'll ever be.

These_Purple_5507 − You don't have to date someone who makes comments like that

[Reddit User] − How do you respond? You leave him.  He knew how big you were when you two started dating. If he doesn't like bigger girls, he didn't have to date you. But he chose you.  So that means he either finds you very attractive and he's begging you so your esteem gets too low to leave him.

You start to doubt yourself and think he's the best you could ever get, so you don't leave.  The other option is that he may or may not find you attractive, but he insults you because he's sadistic and likes making you feel bad. He's just a mean person.. Either way, he's not worth your time. You deserve much better. 

baddreammoonbeam888 − PLEASE d**p him. I met my husband when I was 50lbs overweight and not once over 10 years has he made a single negative comment regarding my weight. There are men out there who will love you at every shape size and every look at every stage of your life. Don’t put up with this bs he should wanna raise you up not tear you down hon.

avast2006 − You have told him not to poke fun at your insecurities. He does it anyway. Not despite knowing that it bothers you; **because** he knows that t bothers you. It’s low level emotional abuse, hiding behind the skirts of “it was a joke.” If it wasn’t the weight, it would be something else. In your shoes I’d be telling him you’re suddenly motivated to shed a hundred and sixty pounds of ugly fat, and d**p him.

Significant_Planter − He purposely says something to insult you and your wondering how to respond? Well, since he seems to want you to drop weight.... He's probably what..190lb? You can drop that dead weight real quick! 

Lol Honey he wants you skinnier not necessarily healthy. A danish is ok occasionally on a diet. We have to splurge a little once in awhile so we don't feel deprived. But he couldn't stand it seeing it as a reason you wouldn't made progress! 

Hiding behind health had become so typical for people when discussing weight. They think we don't realize they really care about the numbers on the scale or your dress not the numbers on our latest medical tests!

Which incidentally have you seen a doctor about these issues of yours? Seems you might have a blood sugar issue if you're getting dizzy like that from not eating. . Oh, but he didn't suggest blood tests in his concern over your health did he? 

Ravenkelly − By leaving

This trailside tale leaves us reflecting on love, respect, and the power of words. The woman’s hurt underscores a truth: partners should lift each other up, not poke at tender spots.

Her boyfriend’s disregard for her boundaries casts a shadow over their bond, raising questions about compatibility. Whether they mend or part ways, respect must lead the way. Share your thoughts below—have you navigated a partner’s hurtful comments?

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