My (20F) boyfriend (21M) can’t stand it when I refer to things/people I love as “mine”. How do I deal with this?

Jonathan Hours
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During a sunny walk by a quiet pond, a 20-year-old woman’s heart sank as her affectionate words sparked yet another argument. Calling the ducks “my beautiful duckies” seemed harmless to her, a sweet habit of expressing love. But her 21-year-old boyfriend snapped, labeling her words entitled and immature. What started as a casual date turned tense, leaving her stung by his sharp corrections and wondering why her warmth keeps hitting a wall.

This isn’t just a quirky couple’s spat—it’s a clash of hearts. Her habit of saying “my” to show affection, like “my love” or “my girl” for her dog, feels natural, but his rigid rules turn every slip into a lecture. Readers can sense her growing frustration, caught between staying true to herself and dodging his disapproval. Can their love survive when her words stir such strife?

‘My (20F) boyfriend (21M) can’t stand it when I refer to things/people I love as “mine”. How do I deal with this?’

My (20F) boyfriend (21M) and I have a pretty strong relationship but the issue that causes arguments the most is his unusual (and in my opinion overly strict) standards when it comes to using words. For example, he gives me hell any time I say 'I need' something that I don't literally need.

If I say 'I need to go to the store today,' he'll say 'do you NEED to go to the store or do you WANT to go to the store.' I usually just shrug him off and say you know what I meant but there's one instance of this that's been causing actual fights. I have a habit of saying things are 'mine' when I'm referring to them affectionately.

Not in the sense of 'you are mine,' but like, 'my love' or 'my darling.' In previous relationships I've liked to call my partner 'my love' but any time I did that with him he kind of sneered and said stuff along the lines of 'what, am I your slave now?' and so I don't say that anymore. But he also applies that to other things.

He doesn't have a problem when I call my dog 'my girl' because she does literally belong to me. But he owns pet rats and when I went up to them and said 'Hello my baby girls!' he lectured me about not trying to claim other people's pets as my own. I think it's pretty obvious that I just meant it as a term of endearment but he disagrees.

He legitimately thinks that I'm trying to assert ownership over people and things when I use 'my' to describe them. This ended up causing a big fight earlier this week when we walked to a pond with some ducks and I said something like

'It's my beautiful duckies!' and he snapped at me and said am I actually that entitled to just claim ownership over everything that I like and that it sounded so immature and stupid every time I spoke like that. I said 'when I say 'my' I'm not saying I literally own them,

I'm referring to the love that I have for them' and he said 'words have meaning, and when you say my you mean that you own them, you don't just get to change what words mean.' I asked him why it's not a problem when he says things like 'my mom' or 'my dad' and he just said it's different and didn't explain why.

This argument completely ruined our date and he avoided me the rest of the evening and the entire next day. After that he just started talking to me again like nothing happened. How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up? Or should I just try to remove non-literal 'my' statements from my vocabulary?

This couple’s word war is less about grammar and more about respect. The boyfriend’s fixation on her use of “my” as possessive ignores her intent—affection—and casts her as immature, creating a power imbalance. His silent treatment after arguments further shuts down dialogue, leaving her to question her natural expressions. Meanwhile, her defense of “my” as love, not ownership, aligns with common linguistic norms.

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This spat reflects a broader issue: communication styles in relationships. A 2023 study in Communication Research found that dismissive responses, like name-calling or stonewalling, erode trust (source). His refusal to explain why “my mom” is okay but “my duckies” isn’t suggests selective rigidity, possibly rooted in control or past experiences.

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner advises, “Healthy relationships require curiosity about each other’s perspectives” (source). Lerner’s insight highlights his lack of curiosity about her intent, instead imposing his rules. His behavior risks stifling her authenticity, a red flag for long-term harmony.

To move forward, she could initiate a calm discussion, using “I feel” statements like, “I feel hurt when my words are criticized.” Asking about his underlying concerns might uncover the root of his reaction. If he remains dismissive, couples counseling could help. She shouldn’t erase “my” from her vocabulary—it’s her voice.

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Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit brought the heat, roasting the boyfriend’s pedantic vibe with a side of humor. From suggesting she call him “a boyfriend” to urging her to ditch the drama, their comments are a lively mix of sass and support. Here’s the scoop:  These takes are bold, but do they nail the issue or just fan the flames? There’s gotta be some gold in this Reddit ruckus.

SquilliamFancySon95 − Your boyfriend is a tool and a killjoy.

Elmindria − Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?. He sounds draining, controlling and obnoxious.

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sausagemice − just for science, i’d probably be curious to see how he’d react if you start replacing “my” with “the” or “a” when referring to anything INCLUDING him. like if you introduce him, “this is X, a boyfriend”

JebArmistice − God my eyes rolled out of my head reading about his being such a pedantic j**off. Unless he is Drax and takes everything literally he is being an a**hole.. And yes boyfriend my eyes are still in my head. It’s a figure of speech. Normal people use them.

WildlifePolicyChick − Your boyfriend is obnoxious. These are very common sentence structures, which he uses himself. He's being contrary just to be contrary and when you tell him to drop the b**lshit, he gives you the silent treatment.

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*How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up? Or should I just try to remove non-literal 'my' statements from my vocabulary?*. Third option is, 'If you don't drop this noise, I'm done. Knock it off.'. Are you sure he's 21? Maybe he is actually 12.

livinNxtc − That would drive me insane. No thank you. Byeeeeee!

DingDongSchomolong − Really weird thing to get in a twist about. He is looking for reasons to argue and if you want this negativity in your life, have at him. If he can’t even tolerate your (not abnormal) word choice, he’s going to be absolutely awful about anything he doesn’t like that is actually serious down the line

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socialjusticecleric7 − So, your boyfriend is both factually incorrect about how people use language in practice, and kind of a condescending a**hole.. How can I convince him to let go of this hang-up? OK, I'll offer some suggestions but I would like to preface this with saying that if they don't work, that is not a failing on *your* part.

And while normally in relationships it is good to assume good intent, well, that's my problem, *I'm not sure how to reconcile your bf's behavior with him having respect for you as an equal*. Sure, it's a small little conflict. But it's also one where he's, idk, acting like your grammar teacher, or the parent of a small child -- basically he's power tripping, not treating you like a partner.  It's a bad sign. So is him calling you names like 'immature' and 'stupid.'

1. Pick a time for a Serious Discussion that works for both of you -- neither of you are too tired, the most stressed you've been all month, hungry, have something to get to in ten minutes, etc.

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2. Use I statements that say what you feel and what you want, for instance, 'I get irritated (or whatever you actually feel) when you criticize my word choices, especially when those choices are a thing that many other people say as well.

I would like you to stop doing that.' (In contrast with eg 'you are being suck a jerk', which might seem like an obvious thing not to say but sometimes people need reminders about this stuff when they feel angry. Also better to avoid 'never' or 'always' statements, which are usually an exaggeration and encourage fighting rather than shared problem-solving.)

3. Ask questions, be curious, do as much listening as talking. What is he trying to accomplish by correcting your language? Would he be upset if you corrected his, or would he welcome the chance to learn and grow?

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(That might seem like a really facetious question, but sometimes people who are apparently acting rudely actually are treating other people the way they themselves would like to be treated, and it's good to clarify that when it is happening.) (giving him max benefit of the doubt, it's possible that someone in *his* life had that ridiculous rule about 'my whatever' when he was a child, and he's just repeating that pattern without really processing or questioning it.)

4. If things get heated, you think you are being disrespected, or either of you wants to take a break for any reason, take a break and come back to it later. If the whole conversation is dissatisfying, you can have a second try later. 5. Do something nice afterwards that helps you reconnect and reminds each of you that you (I hope?) like and care about each other.

Richard0000069 − I think it is nice/cute that you call things/people 'mine' or 'my.' Words can mean what you want them to mean.

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blossom3621 − This dude sucks. I'm exhausted just reading this

This linguistic love spat shows how a single word can spark a relationship wildfire. Her affectionate “my” meets his stern corrections, leaving their bond teetering. It’s a reminder that love needs room for both voices, not just one rulebook. What would you do if your partner policed your words? Drop your thoughts and let’s untangle this verbal knot together!

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