Mum (51F) forbade me (25F) from telling our family that I graduated so that her real daughter (30F) won’t be hurt. My fault?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a young woman, diploma fresh in hand, her heart soaring with pride after conquering medical school. The world feels like it’s hers—until her mother’s sharp words slice through the joy like a cold wind. “Don’t you dare tell anyone,” her mother snaps, desperate to shield a cousin’s fragile ego. This 25-year-old graduate, caught between her hard-earned victory and her mother’s plea, stands at a crossroads, her milestone dimmed by family expectations.

The tension is palpable, isn’t it? Readers can’t help but lean in, wondering: should she dim her light to spare another’s feelings? The story unfolds with raw emotion, clashing loyalties, and a family teetering on the edge of chaos. It’s a tale that hooks you, not just for the drama but for the universal question: how far should we go to protect someone else’s heart?

‘Mum (51F) forbade me (25F) from telling our family that I graduated so that her real daughter (30F) won’t be hurt. My fault?’

I (25F) just found out that I passed my final exams in medical school. I am being told by my mother to not tell anyone outside of our family so as to not hurt a cousin of mine who is more of a daughter to her than I ever will be. That cousin is almost 30 and still hasn’t completed medical school for the past 9 years because of medical leaves because she is physically ‘disabled’, she had an ACL tear and depression.

She still can walk. Nobody is telling her to run to class. As for her alleged psychiatric illness, she’s not taking the antidepressants prescribed to her. I say alleged because she feels as though her depression is purely biological and not caused by any trauma. It might be because I envy/dislike her in general, I think she’s faking it, but this might be my hate talking.

Once it was announced I wanted to call my extended family right then but my mother shouted “Don’t you dare” and told me to consider cousin’s feelings and that she might fall into depression if she knows a younger cousin finished medical school earlier than she did. My dad and I were shocked that my mother said that and my dad got angry.

He told me to tell anyone I wanted and be proud. He pushed mom along with him and told me to take pictures with my friends.. Later that day mum texted me this, “ I know you must be proud, but just think how ‘cousin’ must feel. Do you not love her at all? She’s having a tough time as it is. I am not asking much, just dont post this on social media.

You can tell dad’s family but not mine”. No congratulations, no im proud of you. I cried for maybe an hour until dad came to check on me. He told his family about the result and my paternal grandmother wanted to have a party that weekend to celebrate. Come weekend, the party was great.

I posted a picture on my instastory and I had blocked all my maternal relatives to assuage mum. But I didn’t know that my aunt’s business account was following me so she sent it out in our family group chat that I graduated and congratulated me. My aunt dm-ed gently asking if we were ok and why I had blocked her on her main account. I just told the truth and said mum told me not to hurt a certain cousin’s feeling.

Aunty was fuming and told my maternal grandmother and now it’s a big fight. Mum sent me all sorts of n**ty texts that I can’t bring myself to type because I might cry. Dad’s on my side I’m glad I have him. They fought and mum left to stay at her sister’s house.. I’ve been replaying everything in my mind, what have I done wrong? Was I really that insensitive?

Navigating family expectations can feel like walking a tightrope over a pit of emotions. This graduate’s story—torn between celebrating her success and her mother’s plea to protect her cousin—highlights a classic clash of loyalty and self-worth. Let’s unpack it with a dash of perspective and a sprinkle of expertise.

The mother’s request, though well-intentioned, places an unfair burden on her daughter. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family dynamics expert, notes, “Healthy families celebrate individual successes without pitting members against each other” (source). Here, the mother’s focus on the cousin’s potential distress dismisses her daughter’s milestone, creating resentment. The graduate’s hurt is valid—her achievement deserves recognition, not secrecy.

This situation reflects a broader issue: family enmeshment, where boundaries blur, and one person’s feelings dominate. A 2021 study in Family Relations found that 68% of young adults reported feeling pressured to prioritize family harmony over personal goals (source). The mother’s fear of her cousin’s depression spiraling may stem from care, but it unfairly shifts responsibility onto the graduate.

What’s the way forward? Dr. Gottman suggests open communication: the graduate could express her need for celebration while acknowledging her mother’s concerns. Setting boundaries—like refusing to hide her success—helps maintain self-respect.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, dishing out opinions with the spice of a family reunion gone wrong. Here’s a peek at their candid, sometimes cheeky takes.

HatsAndTopcoats − Your mother is an unreasonable a**hole. Stop letting her affect you.

blackcatsneakattack − Honestly? F**k your mom. This is a mess of her own making.

jesuschin − Just say “I am not going to hold back on my life just because someone else might get jealous”. Tell your mom to stop being a f**king baby. My mother and I’s relationship got so much better when she realized I would never take any of the s**t she pulled

SnooFloofs9288 − Okay what in the heck did your mom think was going to happen when you start working at a hospital? When people Google your name and it's tied to hospitals and doctor offices? 'Oh no. That's not smooth 12. That's.... her evil and more accomplished doppelganger whom just happens to share the same face and name as her.'

OP your mom is a weirdo who obviously has psychological problems. If her whole family is mad at her it's because she is a weirdo with psychological problems. You did nothing wrong. In fact you are awesome. Like super awesome. And impressive. So I say this with all the love of an Internet stranger I am proud of you and you have nothing to be ashamed or to feel guilty for.

Your mom is a weirdo with psychological problems. I suggest just cold shouldering her and pretend like you are a motherless child. Luckily for you, a motherless child, you have a dad who is super proud of you and a paternal and a maternal family you are all proud of you as well.

It's too bad your father's being bad of a roommate who lives with you still is under the delusion that she is your mother and think she has any say in anything. Treat her like a 3-year-old with dementia and just smile and not at her whatever she says anything then go about your awesome life that you worked hard at being awesome for.

If she says anything to you just smile and Nod and say random things that don't mean much like 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and 'you seem to have a lot of very strong feelings right now. Do you need a snack or a nap?  ' The kind of things a school counselor would say to a 7 year old who is angry. Don't waste any more tears on her.

You sound like a sweet person. Not like me who is angry and vindictive and would screenshot all of those n**ty messages she is sending you and post them on my social media with a caption look how proud my mom is for me graduating for medical school and then tag her and all of her maternal family in it. That's something a petty angry jerk like me would do LOL

Efficient-Cupcake247 − You have JustNoFamily. CONGRATULATIONS!!! Tell EVERYONE!

EntertainingTuesday − CONGRADULATIONS on finishing med school!!!! I am so glad to read your Dad is supporting you through this and that his side of the family is happy for you and it seems your Mom's side, at least your Aunt, is happy for you too. I think your Moms request was totally unreasonable and you should unblock your family as you doing so just enabled your Moms delusion.

I imagine you want to keep a relationship with your Mom so I would suggest writing her a letter so she doesn't snip back at everything you say and can take the time to read it all. I would tell her how this has all made you feel, that in caring for your Cousin, she has alienated you,

made your accomplishment feel like less than it is, led to you blocking family, something you now realize you never should have done, tell her that you can't force her to apologize for her n**ty messages, but that they made you feel horrible and how it is a double standard to expect you to do something for the sake of your Cousin, yet she would not afford you the same feelings.

Tell her that her Daughter graduated MEDICAL SCHOOL, and she didn't get as much as a congratulations, or a good job, instead it was diminished. I'd end it by saying you were willing to take reasonable steps to not put this in your Cousins face, but you will not be unreasonably hiding this from your family and you will not be unreasonably not partying, celebrating, taking pictures, posting, about your graduation and with your friends.

Explain at the end that this isn't a discussion, that she already acted and messaged you horrible things and she will have to figure out herself why she did that and acted that way, let her know you are willing to talk when she is ready to grow up and take responsibility and be reasonable or hear more about how her actions affected you..

You have not been insensitive, your Mom has been and she has been/is being totally unreasonable. You probably already are but I would even share this letter with your Dad and tell him how much it means that he has responded the way he has and his continued behavior of being a great Dad means a lot to you.

Jealous-Ad-5146 − Tell everyone! Congratulations 🎊

chief_croissant − Congrats on graduating! Your mom was wrong for asking you to keep this achievement secret. You're not responsible for your cousins feelings. However, I do want to point out that saying her depression is fake because you don't think she's experienced trauma is concerning, especially coming from someone who is soon to be a medical professional.

Depression can, in fact, be a disability. You don't need to feel bad for her or cater to her--and you shouldn't because she isn't your problem--but I think perhaps you should reevaluate how you view disabilities and mental illness. Maybe I'm off base and it's just because it's someone dislike but it's something to consider. Anyway, from this limited description, you mom is the one who's truly doing you wrong here, not your cousin. I don't blame you for feeling spiteful, though.

violue − two separate thoughts on your post: 1.) Your mom is wrong, wrong, wrong for how she's treating you. don't do what she wants, she treats you like s**t either way. No one that cares about you would tell you to diminish yourself like that. 2.) Your perspective on depression is incredibly concerning if you're planning to be a doctor that sees patients. You must know that while depression is often situational, it is also often chemical.

Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghh − I could imagine the family sitting in a restaurant and someone yells out 'is there a doctor in the restaurant, someone is having a heart attack'. You go to stand up but you mother grabs you on the arm and says 'don't do it, it might upset your cousin'

But do these fiery Reddit hot takes mirror real life? Or are they just keyboard warriors letting loose? One thing’s clear: the community’s got strong feelings, and they’re not afraid to share.

This graduate’s saga is a rollercoaster of pride, pain, and family drama. Her mother’s plea to hide her success may come from love for her cousin, but it leaves scars on a daughter craving validation. With her dad cheering her on and Reddit rallying behind her, she’s got a squad—but the rift with her mom lingers. What would you do if your family asked you to shrink your shine for someone else? Share your thoughts below!

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