Me, 30 M. Wife, 29 F. Married for 7 years. Wife will financially ruin us with one decision she is trying to force me into. What do I do?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a cozy American suburb, a couple’s dream of starting a family teeters on the edge of collapse, all because of a heartfelt but financially disastrous wish. Picture a warm living room, where a husband stares at spreadsheets, his brow furrowed, while his wife passionately defends her plan to bring her elderly father from Brazil to the USA. For seven years, their love has bridged continents, but now, her determination to reunite her family clashes with their fragile budget, threatening to unravel their shared future.

This isn’t just a story of numbers—it’s a tug-of-war between love, duty, and survival. The husband, torn between supporting his wife’s dream and protecting their plans for kids, feels the weight of an impossible choice. Readers can’t help but wonder: how do you balance family loyalty with financial reality? Their struggle reflects a universal question, making it a tale that hits close to home for many.

‘Me, 30 M. Wife, 29 F. Married for 7 years. Wife will financially ruin us with one decision she is trying to force me into. What do I do?’

My wife is Brazilian and we met when I was visiting the county. We kept talking for 10 months after my trip and we quickly fell in love. She told me that she would be willing to leave Brazil to live with me. After a few more months, I flew to Brazil with a ring, popped the question, and here we are 7 years later still married in the USA..

Problem: She wants to bring her family over to the USA. Her family is below the poverty line in Brazil and I understand this dream. If we have the money, I would love to have them be with us in the USA, they are great people! I consider them family more then my own.

We looked into it years ago, however, we would be paying for basically everything financially and after I look at the costs, there is no possible way for us to do it at the time and still today. Now years later, just before we plan to have kids, it have come up again and now she is going to go the process no matter what I say and will be applying for a green card for her elderly dad...

It would literally ruin us financially. We have/had a plan to have kids and raise our own family; we were going to start having kids next month. Without warning, this has come up again. I have told her and shown her that we could not afford it but she is blaming me for not supporting her when in reality, we can't financially do it, not even close..

Question: I do not know what to do. I am frecking out. I love her and want to have a family with her. But if I go along with this plan to bring her dad over, it will ruin us financially. She is forcing me into this and I am terrified this is going to break us apart.... Advice?

Navigating family expectations across cultures can feel like walking a tightrope. This couple’s clash highlights a common tension in cross-cultural marriages: balancing individual dreams with shared goals. The husband sees financial ruin, while his wife sees a moral duty to her family—a divide rooted in cultural values.

In many Latin American cultures, family unity is paramount. As sociologist Dr. Maria Rodriguez notes in a 2023 article on Psychology Today, “In collectivist cultures like Brazil’s, supporting extended family is often non-negotiable, even at personal cost” (source). This explains the wife’s insistence, but the husband’s pragmatic concerns are valid—sponsoring an immigrant ties couples legally to financial support, risking debt.

The broader issue is communication in cross-cultural relationships. A 2021 study by the Pew Research Center found 40% of immigrant spouses face conflicts over family obligations (source). Here, the wife’s unilateral decision sidesteps mutual planning, escalating tension.

Advice: Couples counseling can help align priorities. The husband should ask his wife to map out a detailed budget, as Redditors suggested, to ground her plan in reality. Exploring compromises, like sending monthly support to Brazil, could honor her values without bankrupting them. Readers, what strategies have worked for you in similar conflicts?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit community didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of practical advice and witty takes. Here’s what they had to say:

Affectionate-Emu1374 − Ask her to run through the finances and show you a plan to make it happen. Maybe she’s unaware of the whole cost of it or they will be contributing somehow

Common_Business9410 − You are better off sending him a couple hundred bucks a month so he can live there. I am an immigrant, so know how much it will cost to maintain an elderly person in the US. Don’t do it.

NYCStoryteller − It may be a dealbreaker. It sounds like it may be a situation that you thought of as a “nice to have” whereas for her, it’s a tangible goal that she’s expecting to happen.. Is she willing to stay in the U.S. and have kids here without her family?. Are you willing to make standard of living adjustments in order to bring her family?.

Does your wife expect to continue working after you have kids? How elderly are her parents? Will they be able to find work once they get a green card (which can take up to two to three years)? Are they going to do under the table work? Like care for their grandchildren in exchange for your/your wife’s financial support?.

Or are you expecting to have to provide for them until they die?. Are you willing/able to move to Brazil to be near her family? ETA: you can’t separate your finances without having this conversation. You need to be clear with her that if sponsoring her parents means that the paperwork is conditional on your joint income, then you both have to be committed to doing this.

Even if you decide to separate your finances, without a post-nuptial agreement, you’re still going to be on the hook for liabilities. You could talk to an attorney about drafting a post nuptial agreement that states that both of your incomes are separate,

your shared expenses are (house, kids, utilities) and that she is exclusively responsible for her extended family (and you yours, should your parents need financial support someday). But I doubt she’d agree to it, and if she can’t afford it to bring her family over, I imagine she’ll resent you for it.

ruetabagas − Sponsoring someone for a green card is something she cannot force you into. And if she's still only a green card holder, she can't even sponsor him herself. Bringing him over will make you responsible for him financially until he's a citizen and liable for a lawsuit if you stop that support.

HeatherReadsReddit − Use a condom and other birth control until it is settled, so that she doesn’t get pregnant now. Definitely get couples counseling if you can. Separate your money so that she has to use her own. Unfortunately, it sounds like she’s determined to plow ahead, so you need to protect yourself. I wish you well.

jesluee − Request that she review the finances and present you with a strategy to make it happen. Perhaps they will be making some sort of contribution, or perhaps she isn't aware of the full cost.

[Reddit User] − **$1 USD is $5.45 Brazilian Real.** Wouldn't it make more sense to send back a small stipend each month to Brazil? My family is from the Balkans and before they got on the Euro, the money my parents sent back went really far in our home country. Built my extended family a nicer house than we had in the US, the exchange rate was so good... 🥲

sanguinepsychologist − First things first: family planning until you sort this out. Don’t bring a child into this mess. Second things second: ask your wife to show you how she thinks you can swing it. Not “theoretically”, but have her actually sit down and make you a spreadsheet covering all your financials, expenses, future expenses (do you know how expensive children are?

I have one, and it’s *a lot*) Have her lay out how many children she wants to have and calculate that cost and all those expenses from your current income. Then add in the cost of funding an extra person or however many relative she wants to bring. And then ask her to come up with an expenses plan that accounts for what happens if something goes wrong.

Examples: one of you passes away, one of you loses your job, one of you is rendered unable to work, you have more than one child or you struggle to have a child, etc.. That should be enough to back up your point - which is that you cannot afford to do this. Honestly, if she does all that and still refuses to see the financial reality of what she’s suggesting and continues to push for it … you’re better off removing yourself from that relationship. Unless you want to be desolate.

Accomplished-Law5937 − Compromise by sending a portion of her salary to her Dad in Brazil each month. It won't be as much of a financial burden and most likely the money will go further there.

jamicam − we were going to start having kids next month. Do you mean you were going to start trying to get pregnant next month? Make sure your are financially safe - meaning that she can't just get ahold of any money and spend it without your approval. It sounds like she wants to make her own decisions financially, so be sure you are protected.

These opinions spark a lively debate, but do they capture the full complexity of cultural and financial pressures?

This couple’s story reminds us that love alone can’t solve every problem—sometimes, it’s the toughest choices that define a relationship. The husband’s fear of financial ruin clashes with his wife’s deep-rooted family loyalty, leaving them at a crossroads. Can they find a compromise, or will this divide tear them apart? What would you do if faced with a partner’s dream that could derail your shared future? Drop your thoughts and experiences in the comments—let’s keep the conversation going!

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *