Small update AITA for ignoring my wife for throwing away my late wife video tapes?

In a tale that blends heartache with a dash of domestic drama, a family is caught between cherished memories and the challenges of present-day love. The recent update reveals an unexpected twist when a husband discovers that his current wife disposed of the video tapes capturing moments with his late wife. The delicate balance between preserving the past and embracing the future is put to the test as emotions run high and hidden insecurities come to light.

The narrative unfolds in a modern living space where grief meets contemporary relationship struggles. With every passing moment, the weight of those preserved memories grows heavier, making it difficult for the family to decide whether to hold on or let go. The tension simmers as the man, determined to safeguard a precious legacy for his daughter, finds himself at a crossroads between mourning and moving forward.

For those who want to read the previous part:AITA for ignoring my wife for throwing away my late wife video tapes?

‘Small update AITA for ignoring my wife for throwing away my late wife video tapes?’

I didn’t expect this to blow up. I came on here to look for general advice and now I have thousands of people taking my in my DMs. I’m gonna be answering some questions that I’m getting asked about the most.  I was thinking about asking Wendy about the tapes and where she threw them out at but I saw a comment that told me to don’t ask her, because it might give her some time to hide it or lie.

Instead when I went back home I checked in the outside trash cans and the kitchen one and I still couldn’t find them. Trash day isn’t until Thursday so I was confused. I finally went up to ask her and at first she wasn’t gonna tell me. I threaten with divorce like one you guys said and she gave in. It turn out she kept the video tapes in her car until trash day arrived because she knew I would look through the trash.

So now I have the tapes, thank god. Another question asked was did Eleanore know about the tapes? No, I didn’t want to ruin the surprise until if I knew that I had a backup. She didn’t know about them now and I’m not planning on telling her until her birthday, the only problem is that I’m afraid that Wendy might tell her.

One more question is people asking if I’m considering divorce. Wendy never did anything like this before and I don’t wanna ruin a 6 year relationship. But at the same time I really do think she needs some type of help. I’m considering asking her to go to therapy and I’m really considering our relationship.

Wendy is really good with my daughter and my daughter loves her and her children like family. I think Wendy is just trying to take Cloé place with being Eleanore’s mother. I really starting to think she has issues, a lot of people also said if I don’t divorce her I will betray my daughter. My daughter is my number is one and I think I should find someone better that can respect not only me but my daughter and her mother.

Letting emotions guide difficult decisions in relationships is never simple. Relationship dynamics are a blend of love, loss, and personal identity, and when past memories collide with present insecurities, the fallout can be severe. Analysts note that unresolved grief combined with jealousy often leads to irrational actions that jeopardize the trust fundamental to any long-term commitment.

In this case, the husband’s deep reverence for the tapes—a cherished reminder of his late wife—clashes with his current wife’s evident jealousy. She perceives his inability to fully “move on” as a threat to her identity within the family unit. This internal conflict not only disrupts the emotional equilibrium of the household but also raises serious questions about mutual respect and transparency.

Broadening the discussion, relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has observed, “Trust and shared values form the backbone of a resilient relationship. When one partner acts out of jealousy, it corrodes the foundations of trust.” (Gottman Institute). His insight underlines that such destructive behaviors, if left unaddressed, can lead to irreversible damage—especially when familial legacies are at stake.

Given these challenges, experts suggest that both partners engage in honest conversation and consider professional counseling. Establishing clear boundaries about precious family memories, as well as addressing underlying grief and insecurities, is crucial. A tailored approach that includes therapy can help bridge the gap between past remembrance and future togetherness, ensuring that delicate familial bonds are protected even in times of turmoil.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The community is abuzz with opinions ranging from shock and relief over the recovery of the tapes to calls for a serious re-evaluation of trust in the relationship. Comments reflect a mix of support for safeguarding irreplaceable memories and skepticism about the current wife’s intentions. While some urge immediate protective measures for the tapes, others warn against holding onto the past at the expense of embracing new beginnings, sparking an animated debate among readers.

SirEDCaLot − Very glad you got the tapes back. The fact that she knew you'd go through the trash and thus kept them in the car... that's as 'smoking gun' as it gets. That shows that she knew she was overstepping a boundary and you wouldn't be okay with it. It shows she knew you'd be upset and would want the tapes back. And she only gave in when she realized she was about to get divorced.

EVERY part of this is 100% selfish on her part- she's happy to cause you (and potentially Eleanore) lots of pain to satisfy her jealousy. As Internet people, we only see what you tell us. That's why Reddit always tells people to break up at the sign of every problem. Because we don't see the good times, we only see the problem that an OP describes.

But even with that in mind, I think you need to have a serious hard think about your marriage and how much if any TRUST you have in this woman. She was willing to destroy a personal message for your daughter from her dead mom out of jealousy. That's not 'a little jealous' territory that's serious violation of trust. She tried to destroy something that was truly irreplaceable- a memory of Cloé. She tried to seriously betray your trust and your daughter's.

My suggestion is tell her that she needs to stay somewhere else until you decide what if any future the marriage holds. Tell her that the only reason you've any sort of decision to make is because she gave the tapes back- if the tapes had been lost you would be divorcing her without question or hesitation. In your family you don't destroy each other's stuff out of jealousy, especially something irreplaceable like a message from a dead mother.

That is the action of a jealous and bitter narcissist, not a loving wife and stepmother. So you need space from her while you decide what if any future you and her have together. In that time you strongly encourage her to get some personal therapy to deal with her apparent extreme jealousy of a dead woman. I'd also suggest you should tell your daughter everything.

Tell her about the tapes, and tell her that your wife tried to throw them away. Tell her that your wife was going to take them to the trash and only gave them back when you threatened divorce. Tell her that your trust was broken, that you are considering divorce, and if she doesn't want to see Wendy anymore you'll understand and won't force her to.

Tell her you still love Wendy but you're not sure if the Wendy you love really exists, because the Wendy you love would never do such an awful thing especially to Eleanore. //edit: Also, forget the 'when she turns 18' thing. Eleanore I think needs to see those tapes now. 17 is close enough, she's a young adult whether she hit the magic number or not.

Morgus_TM − For the love of god, take those tapes to a professional to be made into digital videos to be backed up many places. Your wife needs serious help.

South-Clothes-4109 − You aren't going to ruin a six year relationship. She already did.

Shoddy_Teacher_6216 − As someone who lost a parent as a child, I am so beyond relieved to hear that you were able to recover those tapes. Something like that would change my life. If my stepparent did something like that I would only hope my mother would leave him. But FIRST PRIORITY - put those tapes somewhere this wife cannot get to them, for your daughters sake, and do it immediately. A lockbox perhaps, anything where your wife can’t get to them. And same goes for when your daughter has them.

TerrAqua − I'm really glad you found the tapes please keep them safe, hearing that they were gone made me so incredibly angry. As for the relationship, please don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy that you have to remain with her just bc you've invested 6 years, that's just a small drop in the grand scheme of your entire life.

If you think she can come back from this and will seek therapy or counseling and you feel like you won't continue to resent or distrust her, then it's well within your right to try and continue. However, please remember she knew that those tapes were precious and asked you where they were held when you were vulnerable.  She premeditated throwing them away and she didn't tell you she didn't throw them away until you threatened her with a divorce.

She is selfish. She is insecure of a woman who was stolen from you and your daughter in a tragic way. She didn't feel remorse for taking your tapes. She didn't tell you bc she felt bad or guilty or ashamed of her behavior, but bc a divorce would inconvenience her.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time (some wisdom from Maya Angelou).

This will keep coming back to haunt you if she isn't able to quell her jealousy for a woman who isn't a threat. There's nothing stopping her from doing something selfish like this again. Please tread carefully and think of your future and how you'd feel around a woman who treated you and your daughter and your late wife with so much disrespect and disregard for the rest of your life. All the best op.

126kv − Do you cry often? I am asking because my husband has cried once - it was when he got the odds for his cancer diagnosis. if I ever did something that made him so upset that he cried it would devastate me. And the fact that she could have fixed it by admitting she still had them AND WAS STILL GOING TO THROW THEM AWAY speaks volumes - loudly. It makes me wonder what else you haven’t noticed is going on

kakohlet − If these are VHS tapes, please consider having them digitally converted. VHS will degrade over time and will lessen the chance your wife will get ahold of them again. Make sure your daughter keeps them in a place safe from your wife. She seriously needs help.

Beyarboo − This isn't about her never doing anything like this or maybe having insecurities, or being a decent partner for 6 years. This is about the fact that she was going to destroy your daughter's only visual ties to her Mom. Your daughter's feelings meant less to her than her ego. And she didn't come clean when you first found out. That isn't mental illness, that is jealous, vindictive, spiteful, and cruel.

Imagine if she had been successful getting rid of them and your daughter found out? That is an unforgivable offense. If that had happened and you stayed with her, your daughter would be justified in walking away from both of you. And the fact you don't realize that she cared so little about your daughter's feelings is concerning.

She had the opportunity to give the videos back and chose to double down. I would literally be more likely to forgive cheating than someone intentionally trying to hurt my loved one like this. I get Reddit is quick to hop on the divorce bandwagon, but in this case it is justified. Her absolute cruelty and ability to lie to you until pressed should 100% be a relationship ender.

ArcanaeumGuardianAWC − Wendy is really good with my daughter and my daughter loves her and her children like family. She doesn't love you. When you love someone, you don't steal from them, begrudge them legitimate relationships and memories with other people, or think of your own ego or insecurities before their wellbeing. That's not love.

What you wife loves is being seen as someone who loves her like she's her mother. She loves being thought of as her mother, especially if she wins some kind of one-sided competition with your late wife in doing so. She loves being able to brag about how good a person she is by treating this poor motherless girl as her own, how grateful the daughter is, and how she's now the only true mother she had.

She loves herself, and everything she's done has been primarily motivated by her own ego and self-interest. Hell- she doesn't really even love you- not enough to care about your wellbeing or feelings when they contradict with her ego and insecurities. If you had done something that hurt your wife to her core, and which you later realized hurt a child you claim to love as your own, wouldn't you be tripping all over yourself to make it right (provided that her position isn't amoral or toxic)?

Wouldn't you mean it when you said you were sorry when you saw how hurt she was? She didn't. She watched you storm around furious and heartbroken, heard you really hammer home how much she took from your daughter, but she never once offered to bring those tapes back. The next day, when you asked her, she refused to tell you until SHE had something to lose, and only then did your happiness matter enough for her to undo the horrible thing she did.

Hell- she knew how hurt you'd be before she did it- why else would she hide them knowing you'd go through the garbage? She only knows you'd do that if she knows how important it was to you for your daughter to have them. She is not a good person, and she does not love either of you the way good people love people.

Austins_Mom − I'm so glad to hear you got the tapes back.

In conclusion, the update deepens the already complex narrative of balancing treasured memories with present commitments. The man’s struggle to honor his late wife and protect his daughter’s legacy while managing his current relationship invites us to consider the delicate interplay between grief, jealousy, and trust. What are the limits of holding on to the past when the future is uncertain? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and join the discussion below!

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