In-law’s straining my marriage but it’s my fault apparently?

In a bustling family home, everyday life once brimmed with hope and unity. However, an unexpected turn of events has left a young mother feeling overwhelmed and betrayed in her own sanctuary. The strain of juggling work, childcare, and household responsibilities has only intensified the pressure, as unfulfilled promises and blurred boundaries slowly eroded the family’s harmony.

The initial goodwill of helping a family member spiral into a situation rife with tension and uncertainty. With hidden resentment simmering beneath polite smiles, the small domestic space became the stage for frequent disputes and emotional upheavals. The ambiance of the home, once warm and inviting, now echoes with unresolved conflicts and the looming shadow of broken assurances.

‘In-law’s straining my marriage but it’s my fault apparently?’

First post so bear with me. About a year ago, me (28F) and my husband (30M) allowed my BIL (19M) to move in with us to get him out of a rough situation and help him start

He is also to pay some rent monthly as he has a full time job now, keep his area clean, and help out around the house. Keep in mind I have 2 children under the age of 5 and also work, and I'm still the house keeper. (Cleaning, cooking food, etc.) While my husband also works about 60 hours a week.

Fast forward those couple of months, no luck on finding a roommate. BIL still living with us. Okay, he's young. I'm just gonna give him some more time to figure this out. I'm trying to be understanding and gracious, as I also had some help getting on my feet at this age. I have confronted BIL a few times asking

Frustrated, it's Christmas time now and he's requesting to have his girlfriend of 2 years, who lives out of state, to move in too with the promise that she has a job and they will move out in one month. I tell my husband that I'm not comfortable with it, as BIL was not supposed to be here at this time in the first place.

Husband says I'm over reacting and starts making comments of making me sound like I don't care about his family. Angry, I just shut down and keep my mouth shut to avoid the argument, my next mistake. Girlfriend moves in and surprise, surprise, doesn't have a job and claims she's been

Fast forward to now. Rent is not being paid anymore, the cleaning of there own areas have stopped, and there has been absolutely no trying to find a way to move out of my home. I've quit asking BIL questions to keep myself from being furious and directed the questions towards my husband.

At this point I'm done trusting that my husband has any plan or control in this whole situation, which is driving me insane. Any time I bring it up to my husband, I'm met with hostility and accusations of just wanting to throw his family out on the street and that I shouldn't be upset with this because I agreed to it.

Agreed to what?? Yes, I agreed to to BIL moving in for a couple of months, yes I graciously gave him extra time to figure things out. At this point I no longer feel comfortable in my own home and everyday me and my husband argue about it which always turn into very ugly outcomes. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore.

I'm annoyed that I've been conned into taking on 2 grown adults, while trying to raise my own family. I'm angry that I'm being made out to be the bad guy when all I wanted was to be helpful. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess my main question to the reddit world is.. AITAH because I let this all happen in the first place?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Letting your partner meet your family can feel like a monumental step in a relationship, yet it also opens the door for unforeseen complications. In this case, the initial act of kindness has morphed into a chronic stressor. The arrangement—once seen as a temporary solution—has stretched far beyond its intended limits, forcing a collision between family obligations and personal wellbeing.

The core issue here revolves around unmet promises and the lack of clear boundaries. The young mother’s experience highlights the importance of mutual accountability in a domestic setting. When responsibilities are unevenly distributed and expectations remain vague, the result is an unsustainable environment that breeds resentment and fuels ongoing disputes. This imbalance compromises not only the immediate living conditions but also the foundation of marital trust.

Stepping back, this case reflects a broader social dilemma where familial support sometimes overshadows individual needs. In many modern households, the challenges of balancing extended family dynamics with personal space have become increasingly common. Recent studies and reports emphasize that blurred household boundaries contribute to heightened stress levels and deteriorating mental health. Clear, respectful negotiations are essential for maintaining harmony in such intricate living arrangements.

Drawing on expert advice, relationship specialist Dr. John Gottman has stated, “A successful relationship is built not by avoiding conflict altogether, but by learning how to manage and resolve disagreements constructively.” His insight underscores the necessity for effective communication and firm boundary-setting. In light of this, the couple may benefit from counseling and structured conversations to redefine expectations and re-establish balanced roles. Implementing clear-cut boundaries and seeking professional guidance could prove instrumental in mending the frayed b

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit community has voiced their takes on the predicament with a mix of candid humor and pointed advice. Many members agree that the issue stems from unchecked promises and uneven power dynamics, with some suggesting bold moves like temporary separation or even divorce. These are hot takes from the Reddit community – candid and humorous.

Icy-Doctor23 − You have a DH problem. Get into marriage counseling. Find alternate housing for you and the kids (now) if counseling doesn’t work out Take your kids and visit family or friends for a couple of weeks and let him sort it out with his brother and then tell him the condition that you will return home is when they are gone or you won’t return and you can divorce

Nowelo − NTA - but that sounds like a terrible situation. Something you may not have considered, if the GF or BIL go the legal route, because they have been there that long they could actually fight being evicted. Your husband is the AH in this case. Tell him he has to clean up their area, make their dinner etc. Any food they eat should come out of his

Active-Pay-8031 − NTA. You’re effectively a doormat for your scheming and conniving husband. Either take the kids and split, or throw the husband and freeloaders out. If you don’t, you’ll be in the exact same position ten years from now.

Background_System726 − NTA. Your husband is for letting his brother stay and not making him abide by the terms of his agreement. He should be demanding that they find their own place and while they're there handle the rent the cleaning up all of the things that they're supposed to do.

You shouldn't have folded on the gf issue but I understand how tiring it must've been for you to keep arguing with your husband. You two need to go to a public place, restaurant,.park etc and have a calm conversation. Write it all down if you need to. Set your boundaries they need to be gone in say 30 days  or ... and fill in the blank. 

And whatever the fill in the blank is you need to do that thing. If it's I'm going to leave you, get my own place  and file for divorce ,  if it's I'm moving back home with my family of origin if that's a possibility or I'm moving in with my best friend, whatever your or what is,  you follow through with that no matter what if they are not gone. Good luck and I hate that your husband is being such an AH to you. 

jrm1102 − NTA - you were nice to offer to help him out, not an AH. But youve been more than accommodating. Your husband needs to step up and handle this.

peaceandquiet59 − Tell them that in 30 days either they will be gone or you and the kids will. This situation is not helping them “adult”, just the opposite, and they have now become freeloaders. You have a right to feel comfortable in your own home and your husband gaslighting you is abusive. Be calm but firm.

Don’t take the bait when he starts on about you hating his family, etc. that is gaslighting. He’s gone back on his word that it would only be for a couple of months and now you are losing all trust in him.

He can either be a husband and father or he can be an enabler for his brother’s dependence. Not both. Again, calm and firm. Maybe go out to dinner to have this discussion. That should keep emotional outbursts at bay.

WaryScientist − NTA - you have a husband problem. If you haven’t, stop having s**. You “don’t feel comfortable” having s** in a house with BIL and his girlfriend. Also don’t buy any foods they like. Don’t replace any of their toiletries or things or if you do, but the worst quality stuff you can.

Dollar store stuff only, but you’ll have to sniff it and make sure it’s bad smelling (a lot of dollar store stuff actually smells great lol). Cut the internet while you’re at work - literally take the modem with you. They should be out finding jobs during the day. Tell girlfriend to get a fast food job until she finds another job.

I don’t believe that she can’t find ANY job. Tell your husband that since he thinks you guys should support them, he can clean after them. You already did what you said you would and now he has to contribute.

I’d tell my husband to either have my back or that the choices he’s currently making are eventually going to lead to divorce - he doesn’t care about you or respect you and he actively shows that every time he gives you s**t for wanting to hold his BIL accountable because of the burden it puts on you.

jahubb062 − If you have family near by, take the kids and any of your belongings that you care about and move out. File for legal separation and custody. Get child support lined up. I’m not saying you have to divorce over this, but I would move out and get my ducks in a row.

If your husband actually values you and the kids, he’ll get the freeloaders out of your house and agree to marriage counseling. But right now, he is prioritizing his brother over you. He is gaslighting you, which is abusive. I would not move back in until the brother and his GF are gone and you’ve been in counseling for at least a few months and feel like progress has been made.

Staying with family or friends could be temporary. Since you already have a job, once child support is in place, you might be able to get your own apartment. If your BIL is as much of an AH as he appears to be, he’ll probably make you guys evict him. Which is not a quick process.

One of my terms of reconciling would be that you guys never let anyone move in again. I would go so far as to say that this particular brother can never even spend a single night with you again.

Hot-Relief-4024 − Nta, take the kids and move out. Tell your husband he can raise his brother

Certain-Try5775 − Tell hubby if they don’t move then you will!! Stop letting them guilt you for something that has nothing to do with you but a promise that they made. And WHY did you let girl friend move in???

In conclusion, this story is a reminder of how unchecked obligations and blurred expectations can undermine even the strongest relationships. The young mother’s struggle illustrates that clear communication and mutual accountability are not mere luxuries—they are necessities for maintaining a harmonious home.

What would you do if you found yourself caught between familial duty and personal wellbeing? Share your opinions and experiences in the comments below; your insights might just help another reader navigate similar challenges.

For those who want to read the sequel: UPDATE: in-law’s straining my marriage? 

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