I think my (23M) best friend’s (24M) fiance hates me and I don’t know why?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

Under the warm glow of a suburban dining room, where memories of shared laughter linger, a young man sits, his heart caught in a quiet storm. His best friend’s fiancée, Sara, has woven a web of subtle slights, chilling a friendship that once felt unbreakable. At 23, he’s no stranger to hardship, but Sara’s cold glances and calculated moves—muting messages, sidelining him at the wedding—cut deeper, hinting at h**ophobia or envy. This is a story of loyalty tested by love’s shadow.

Shared on Reddit, this tale pulls readers into a world of strained bonds and unspoken truths. It’s a vivid snapshot of the pain of being pushed out, yet it carries a flicker of hope for reconciliation. The emotional tug-of-war invites us to explore the delicate dance of friendship amid new romance.

‘I think my (23M) best friend’s (24M) fiance hates me and I don’t know why?’

I never thought I would find myself in a situation like this, but here goes. My (23M) best friend's (24M) fiance hates me and I don't know why. For the purpose of this story, I'll call him Finn. A little backstory, Finn and I have both known each other since we were in 6th grade.

We grew so close from their that he had grown to be a part of my family, and I a part of his. Around the summer of my 10th grade year, I came out to my parents as gay. Let's just say that they didn't take it too kindly, and I ended up disowned, but that's a story for another day.

(Gonna start it off and say I've never had or teased any romantic feelings towards Finn.) To make a long story short, Finn's family happily took me in and treated me with nothing but kindness. When Finn and I graduated from highschool, he went on to work under his father while his parents helped me pay to attend college.

During my time away for college is when Finn met Sara (27F). I believe it was my 3rd year of college when I finally got to meet her. It was during a family dinner. I greeted her warmly and tried to make my best impression because she's my best friends girlfriend.

When I went to shake her hand, she looked at my hand in a weird way. I don't want to say disgust, but I'm not sure how to describe it. I felt a little bummed, but it was whatever. Maybe she is just nervous.

After that school break, weird things started happening like me and Finn's messages randomly being muted, or my number randomly being blocked on Finn's phone. (At one point it got so weird that Finn contacted AT&T to see if it was a glitch or something.)

Obviously I'm guessing it was her, but I would never accuse someone without any hard proof, plus I'm like 2 states over at the time, so I literally have no proof. Things got even worse when I moved back home after finally graduating from college.

Because I have so much respect for their relationship, I never tried to make plans with Finn. If we went out at any point, it was because he was sure he had nothing planned and he would set the date and everything and then let me know. This worked fine, until it didn't.

I want to clarify that we got to hang out about 2 or 3 times a month, for about 3 months. After those 3 months, that's where things started getting weird. On the days where Finn and I planned to meet, Sara would call him and have some sort of situation literally about an hour or less from the time we would be meeting.

She would say things like she's having car troubles, she's feeling ill, or she is lonely and needs him. I never felt right trying to stop him from going to her if he needed to, he would say he didn't, but just to avoid anything I'd cancel on him just to make him go see her.

(Surprise, there would be no car troubles, and all of a sudden she felt so much better). Eventually Finn and I stopped hanging out as much because it just got annoying, for me at least. We would see eachother at family gatherings, but that would be about it.

Fast forward to January of this year, Finn proposed to Sara. Everyone including myself had been over the moon for them. Who wouldn't be happy to see their best friend tie the knot with someone they love. Let me be the first to say this has been the shittiest time ever.

To start, she puzzled everyone by immediately making a post on her Instagram story with a picture of her and Finn. She captioned the picture 'Better than the rest.' with a kissing emoji. This led me and Finn's older siblings asking him if he cheated, because who's 'the rest.'

Finn responds that she's just too excited to make sense. That made no sense to me either, but not my circus. With their wedding coming up soon, their planning has been nothing short of a nightmare. Her family for some reason doesn't want to help with the cost of the wedding which isn't their obligation so I get it

but we as a family decided to all pitch in and help them get the best wedding possible. After everything had been covered there was only one thing left. Who would be in the wedding party. We knew there would be one since she talked so much about it.

Finn only had one request and that was me being his best man. She initially agreed, but after a few weeks she came back and said that me being best man wont be possible because she wants that spot for her brother. This caused some troubles for them

And things were almost called off until I had just talked to Finn and was just like...it's fine, just let her have it and enjoy your day. Don't let me be the reason you lose what you two have. Of course I was upset about it , but I would feel worse if things went south because of me. I would say that was my biggest mistake as now it feels like she is flexing her power.

Recently, during another family dinner she brought up seating and shower us a few pictures. Why would I not be surprised that she sat me at a table away from those I would call my family. When she showed us, I got a few glances from Finns parents and siblings, and damn I might be a doormat, but I was just fine with it if the wedding still got to happen.

My problem is I just want things to be fine if not good between me and her. I don't know if it's because I'm not related by blood or she's h**ophobic or whatever it may be, but I don't want this to be a constant thing. I hoped that with time, things would get better, and they really haven't. I'm hoping things get better after the wedding, but I'm not even sure.

I don't want to talk to anyone close to us and start something, and I'm really considering going low contact with Finn if this solves the issue, but I don't really know what I'm doing here. How do I go about this while protecting my relationship with Finn's family, my friendship with Finn, and not destroying his relationship?. 

Navigating a best friend’s new relationship can feel like walking a tightrope, especially when their partner seems to hold a grudge. The Redditor’s story reveals a clash of loyalties, with Sara’s actions—muting messages, disrupting plans, and demoting him from best man—suggesting discomfort, possibly tied to his identity or their close bond. Her behavior hints at insecurity or prejudice, creating a wedge in a lifelong friendship.

This situation mirrors a broader issue: the tension between new romantic partners and established friendships. Studies show that nearly a third of people experience friction when a friend’s partner perceives them as a threat. Sara’s isolating tactics, like canceling Finn’s plans, align with controlling behaviors often seen in insecure relationships, raising concerns about her motives.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in the smallest moments—when partners prioritize each other’s emotional needs.” Sara’s disregard for Finn’s friendship suggests a trust deficit, potentially troubling for their future. Her Instagram caption, “Better than the rest,” may imply she sees the Redditor as competition, a subtle jab at his place in Finn’s life.

Open communication offers a path forward. The Redditor could calmly share his feelings with Finn, citing specific incidents like the seating arrangement. Mediation through Finn’s supportive family might also ease tensions, fostering understanding without confrontation.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

The Reddit community delivered a lively mix of empathy and blunt advice, their takes as raw as a late-night heart-to-heart. Many urged the Redditor to confront Finn directly, stressing that his silence might be misread as abandonment.

Others flagged Sara’s behavior as controlling, warning that her actions could isolate Finn from his loved ones. Some speculated h**ophobia or jealousy as her motive, but all agreed: open dialogue is crucial to save the friendship. These candid perspectives underscore the messy balance of loyalty and love.

holliday_doc_1995 − My guy, sit Finn down and tell him everything you told us in this post. Tell him you are pretty sure his fiancée doesn’t like you and never has and just ask him if he is aware of that and ask him if he knows why. This is a fair ask. You have been more than courteous and respectful.

You have handled everything up to this point wonderfully and now you need to have an honest conversation with your best friend. You owe this to yourself, but it’s not just about you. Fiancée’s problem could be with you. Or it could be that she is a controlling nightmare and this is more about isolating your friend from his friends.

Your friend might end up being a victim of a bad relationship here because you didn’t speak up. I had a bad relationship several years ago. It was a nightmare to get out of. Apparently, my family all hated the guy from the moment they met him. They never once voiced their concerns to me.

If they had, I know I would have seen red flags way sooner and I would have re-evaluated my relationship with him sooner too. It’s not their fault I was in a bad relationship but the truth is, I was in that relationship way longer because nobody pulled me aside and spoke their mind.

When I found out that everyone hated him but didn’t say anything, I felt like s**t. I felt like my family didn’t care about me enough to speak up. It felt like they didn’t support me or care about me.

If you don’t say anything to Finn, down the line he may not see this as you supporting him and his relationship, he may see this as you not caring enough about him or your friendship to voice your concerns.

MudAny8723 − What did Finn say about the seating arrangement? I don't honestly think that you can keep the relationship with Finn or his family unless you talk to them about what's going on. And even then, you may still lose them, but at this point, you're on the losing end, so what do you have to lose?

Once they get married, it will only get worse. This will not get better, and I hate to say that to you, but it's the truth. You said that they're your family. So talk to them. Leave Finn out of it for now and talk to his parents and sibling. They may be wondering what's going as well.

And I really need you to think about this last part. Finn is supposed to be your best friend, and you have essentially blown him off on hanging out with him and being his best man. Did you ever think that maybe he thinks that you don't want to be friends with him anymore or that you're distancing yourself from him?

You're trying to make their relationship work by essentially demolishing your relationship with Finn. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he feels like his best friend has abandoned him during one of the most important times in his life. Maybe you should actually talk to Finn.

For all you know, she could be telling him that you don't care about him and you not fighting to spend time with him or stand beside him on one of the most important days of his life, just verifies her claims. You really need to think about that.

therealsatansweasel − Honestly, the most obvious answer is the most likely in a case like this.. She considers you a threat to the relationship and is h**ophobic.. Unfortunately, he will pick her and alienate you unless there are other factors you aren't aware of. All you can do is voice your concerns, and reiterate how much he is family to you, but be prepared for estrangement.. It sucks, but sometimes its be that way.

[Reddit User] − You need to have an honest talk with Finn. It sounds like your basically brothers in all but DNA. So either with your (new) parents or without them sit him down just keep to the facts. That whenever you have plans she always phoned so you never were able to have a brotherly catch up.

That you were ok with just being a guest at the wedding rather than best man but the fact that she vetoed his first choice. And being sat away from family when they are family.

You say you don’t want to be the reason you two lose what you have. But she’s never going to like you.

Something he’s said to her about you has made her hate you all those years ago which is her problem not yours. Whether that be something innocent like your his best friend/ his ride or die/ he’d choose you over anyone that’s she’s taken as him liking you better than her in a platonic way. Or something else like in a game of truth or dare your name came up.

Or even you saw each other n**ed and she’s worried you’re going to try and steal him away from her. And if Finn can’t see though his rose tinted glasses he’s going to lose his brother. There was a post where the gay brother was uninvited from the wedding because of the fiancé, that was a good read with updates.

[Reddit User] − This is so sad. I would send this post to your friend with the message. 'Hey Finn, I've been struggling with this for a while and wasn't sure how to put it into words, so I'm sending you this post. Please read it fully and tell me what you think. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you.'

JMLegend22 − It seems like Finn’s being a doormat about this things too.. She’s either h**ophobic or she thinks Finn likes you in a romantic way.

[Reddit User] − She's trying to isolate him. You're first, and if she's able to kick you out of his life, then it will be the rest of his friends and family. It's nothing personal, she's just evil and you're an obstacle. HTH.

dheffe01 − I would be direct tell your friend that you love him like a brother, but its clear his fiance hates you and as such there is no point you being at the wedding. You were demoted from best man to relegated guest because thats what she wanted.

Tell him by marrying her, this is how it is going to be for the rest of his life, so you would rather not even be there, as there is no point even pretending anymore, that she will let you keep being friends.

Leafingblueberry − Tell Finn about this. Tbh I feel for the guy. She doesn’t sound like a nice person

hotpants86 − Finn isn't your friend. He's chosen her over you. He hasn't been your friend for a long time.. Also she's h**ophobic and he doesn't care.

This tale of friendship and fiancée friction leaves us pondering loyalty, love, and the courage to speak up. The Redditor’s patience is admirable, but the time may have come to fight for his place in Finn’s life.

Weddings should unite, not divide, yet Sara’s actions suggest a deeper rift. Share your thoughts and experiences below—what would you do if caught in this tug-of-war between a best friend and their partner?

User UPDATE 2 the post:

So I wasn't expecting to update so soon, but I had something unexpected that happened today. So yesterday I posted about problems I'm having with my bestfriends fiance. After receiving a ton of great advice, I figured that I would at least speak to one of Finn's family members or Finn himself tomorrow since that's when we meet for dinner, but I was a bit surprised when Finn dropped by my apartment today.

I was spooked at first with me making the reddit post and thinking that he had seen the post and was here to confront me. Luckily he said that he was just in the area and decided to stop by. There was the initial small talk you do when someone comes over and then a good 20 minutes of us daydreaming about the food we are having tomorrow (LOL),

but then I remembered someone saying I should show Finn the reddit post. I learned that the more I waited, the more damage there will be when things come to a head. I guess he noticed my hesitancy since he asked me what's going on.

As much as I wanted to say nothing and keep letting the issue stay where it is, there would be no point of me coming on here asking you all for help. I pulled up the reddit post on my laptop and showed him the post.

He read the post about 3 or 4 times, which made me nervous again since time was going on and on and he had just been staring with no reaction for so long. After a while, he asked 'Is this it?'. I can't even explain how fast my heart sunk.

I thought he was about to downplay the situation even though I would say that the two of us have always been understanding of what eachother are going through. He read through the comments of the post before he sat the laptop down.

I want to thank you guys so much because the conversation that followed had me floored. I would say all most everyone who gave suggestions were correct in someway. Anyways the conversation went like this:

Finn: Have I ever made you feel like this was something you couldn't tell me? Me: That's a very difficult question to answer. Not directly but your happiness played a huge role in me just brushing it under the rug. Finn: You should have told me this long ago.

Don't you think I would want to know about this? I thought things were going fine. Finn: There is a difference between you being considerate of my relationship with Sara, and you letting me be stupid enough to let her run over you and our friendship.

After that, I had to ask him if he really saw nothing going on. He said he felt really pissed about the entire wedding situation, but he chalked it up to her just wanting her day to be how she imagined it. I made sure to remind him that it's his day as well, which us honestly something I should have said back when I was removed from best man.

I then asked him would he have idea why she acts the way towards me. I had never met the girl, so it puzzled me how she could be so ehh towards me. Me thinking it would be a little petty reason that could be easily fixed, Right??? WRONG!!

Whoever said something about a drunken confession or something of the sort, you would be right. Apparently during my time in college, Finn got closer to some people who went to our highschool. This led to him meeting Sara as well.

He said that before he and Sara started dating, it was one time where they had all decided to hang out and had been playing some sort of drunken confessions game. I've never really been to parties like that, so I dont know how those work.

Anyways, he started rambling for a bit before I asked for him to get to the point, in whatever fucked up way it happened, he remembers saying something along the lines of 'I wish (My name) was a girl.' Not blaming him, but there is NO WAY you said some crazy stuff like that. I almost thought he was joking, but he had a stone face.

No wonder she hates me, and that makes me wish I would have spoke up sooner. I told him how whatever he said was not okay. I also told him that if he knew he said something like that, out of everyone, HE should have known that she would feel some kind of way.

He tried to excuse it by saying that he thought no one would remember and it was just something that would pass. Let me clarify that Finn and I have NEVER had anything going on. I don't even know why something like that would be said, and it still feels unbelievable to me. Now I can sort of understand where Sara is coming from, but then again

If this guy were to say something like that, why would you even go after him? If you do end up with this guy, why are you going after the person who he said those things about like it's their fault. If there was a problem that obviously Sara felt some way about, she should have talked to him or even me and we could have spoke about it.

(Says the guy who sat quietly for this long, I know.) Anyways, to sum up the rest of our conversation, we ended up understanding that there is a problem that at least he and Sara need to address. He told me he'd call later today after they sit down and have a talk. Every so often, I laugh because what kind of confession is 'I wish he was a girl.' Dude....no.

Before anyone asks, no, I didn't ask him if he still felt that way because that's just a can I don't want to open. I'll be sure to update you all whenever he talks to Sara and hopefully we can find some sort of common ground.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *