I think I hate my wife?

Picture a bustling Chicago apartment, where the aroma of a chef’s long day lingers, but the warmth of home feels like a distant memory. For one 38-year-old man, marriage has become a battlefield of broken promises and simmering resentment. His wife, once a partner in their shared dreams, quit her job, leaned on him for every bill, and now lives apart, seemingly indifferent to their crumbling bond. Their toddler son, caught in the crossfire, sees his dad only a handful of times a year.

This Reddit tale is a gut-punch of frustration and heartache. From unpaid student loans to a Christmas spent apart, the husband’s anger boils over as his wife plans a European getaway while he foots the bills. Is he wrong to feel this way, or is his rage a cry for fairness? Let’s unpack this messy saga of love gone sour.

‘I think I hate my wife?’

Might be kinda long. I’m (38m) and my wife (36f). We are married but it doesn’t feel like it after 4 years. She quit her job right after we got married and went back to school. We had an agreement about it but she didn’t live up to the terms she said it would be. I co-signed the loan before we were married.

She said she’d still pay a certain amount of rent and such, before the first semester was over, she said she could only afford half of what she said. Then in the spring, she stopped paying entirely but said it was my fault because of her taxes. She was screwing around with getting stuff together to file taxes so I filed as married, filing separately.

She ended up owing because she wasn’t having enough taken out of her checks but is still convinced this is my fault, years later. Doesn’t matter how many time I explain taxes don’t work that way- I didn’t get her refund. We tried marriage counseling but she didn’t even make an effort.

All through school, even though that’s all she was doing, she treated me like I didn’t exist and that everyone owed her something because she was stressed out about school. Meanwhile, I’m working 60+ hours a week as an executive chef and paying all the bills, including her car insurance. And for the record, this was never the agreement.

Some time later, we both decided we wanted to leave Atlanta. Right as I landed a job in Chicago, we found out she was pregnant. She was absolutely miserable during pregnancy. Complained all the time. Fussed all the time. Meanwhile, I’m in a very chaotic job with a toxic organization, literally fighting to breathe.

On top of that, I managed to sustain a pretty significant hip injury- tore my hamstring tendon and both of the smaller glute muscles. I can barely walk but I’m having to fight through 12 hour days on my feet. One day, right after I’d first injured it, I got home in so much pain I walked straight to the bedroom, feel face first into the bed and didn’t move for 4 hours.

She didn’t check on me or even ask if I was ok. We have the baby and then she’s even more miserable. She’s angry all the time. Complaining all the time. At some point in this I start making her student loan payments. Wasn’t happy about it but I did it. She didn’t show even the slightest bit of appreciation. I give her a credit card. Same thing.

She can’t even try to complain a little less. I get home and she’s literally just thrown a bag of garbage on the floor. 12 hour days, torn hip, and I get home to that and her complaining. A few months later, the job is too toxic, I have to leave. Wife isn’t back to work yet. I land a job in upstate ny.

She says she’s supportive and then when we’re going to look at places to live she tells me she’s probably going to stay in Chicago, with the intention of moving later but she’s gonna look for jobs in NY. Oh, another big thing… just weeks before this, she left me home alone while she was with her family for Christmas.

She spent most of the month of December with them and was scheduled to fly back on the 24th. Her flight was never delayed and weather issues were minimal that day but she said she didn’t want to go because of the weather. Real issue here is that weeks prior, she slipped up and was talking about going to see other family for Christmas elsewhere.

I pointed out that that would put us apart on my sons first Christmas. Then she was like “oh, right…” Then she basically does what she’d been planning to do anyway. On top of that, on Christmas Day, her sister posts a picture of my wife and the entire family together in matching pajamas. And I’m supposed to believe that wasn’t planned.

Anyway, She waits until after I’ve accepted the job to tell me she’s not coming. Not once in any conversation leading upto that does she say any of this. On top of that, I made contacts in her field in NY that can help her land something. She never once reached out to either of them. So we’ve been living apart for almost 6 months.

She claims she needs time for reflection, to work on herself, and to become financially independent. Some of that makes sense. Going back to school turned her into someone I don’t recognize. She’s angry with everyone all the time and blames everyone else for the fact that every single relationship in her life is strained.

We talk a lot, sporadic, and she admits she’s been pretty screwed up, toxic even, and that I was right about a lot of things. Not to sound arrogant, but I already know all that. Her saying this stuff doesn’t fix anything. We also talk about the fact that what she’s doing right now is destroying our marriage.

She acknowledges it and it doesn’t seem to bother her. I’ve seen my son precisely 3 times in 6 months. After the Christmas thing, it’s like she is deliberately trying to undermine my relationship with my son. Beyond all this is the financial stuff. She’s still not financially independent- I pay her health insurance and cell phone.

We’re paying her mom to babysit and I pay twice as much as my wife does. She also has a credit card of mine. All the while she is keeping my son from me. We want to buy a house but I’m insistent that my wife needs to make a contribution to that. When we got together, it was all about doing things together. Somewhere that changed.

Months ago, without even talking to me about it, she made a double student loan payment using my account. I was incensed. She tried to do it again a week ago, but I’ve essentially closed the account and it couldn’t go through. She’s also in a new apartment in Chicago, paying $1k a month more than our previous apartment. Because of this, she is broke and can’t save anything for a house but expects me to.

Can’t make this stuff up, but she’s also planning a tip to Europe with her mom next year. She has free ticket credits, but there’s still hotels, meals, etc. She never has any money for anything to do with us, but is making decisions like this. I’m at the point where I absolutely hate her. She is the most vile, selfish, disgusting person I can imagine and I regret the day I met her. Am I wrong?

This couple’s unraveling marriage is a stark reminder that unmet expectations can poison even the strongest bonds. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Resentment grows when partners feel unheard or unappreciated, often leading to contempt” (source: The Gottman Institute). Here, the husband’s burden—working grueling hours while covering all expenses—clashes with his wife’s apparent disregard for their agreements. Her failure to contribute financially or emotionally, especially during his injury and their son’s early months, fuels his sense of betrayal.

The broader issue is the erosion of partnership in modern marriages. A 2021 Pew Research study found that 29% of U.S. marriages face significant financial disagreements, often exacerbating emotional disconnect (source: Pew Research). The wife’s unilateral decisions, like staying in Chicago, reflect a deeper refusal to prioritize the relationship, leaving the husband feeling like a financial crutch.

Dr. Gottman’s advice—open communication and mutual respect—could guide them. The husband might consider setting firm boundaries, like separating finances, and seeking legal advice for custody. Couples counseling, if both commit, could rebuild trust.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

The Reddit crew didn’t mince words, serving up tough love with a sprinkle of wit. Here’s a taste of the community’s spicy takes:

Ladyvett − You need to divorce before you get to a point of no return for being a good co-parent

Humble-Employer-9323 − At this point, you’re doing this to yourself man.

KittyTsunami − Wtf. Leave and sue for custody. Save evidence of her breaking promises and saying she would move to NY but backing out. Also might be helpful if you can get her to admit that you never agreed to her being a stay at home mom.

[Reddit User] − Just get a divorce wtf is wrong with you

Secret_Mind_1185 − I counted 0 comments for stay with her

bokatan778 − You’re wrong for feeling this strongly (clearly for a while) and staying with her. Just get a divorce FFS. Talk to a lawyer about protecting your assents, and more importantly, your child.

Itimfloat − When your marriage is just a spreadsheet of expenses, it’s time to delete it off the cloud.

NikkeiReigns − She's used you to get her thru school, and now she's going to use you to keep her up in her own place until you wake up and realize it. Then she's going to use you for child support and she's going to get full custody because she can prove you've only seen him every other month. She's trying to make double payments and get every dollar she can from you. You need a good attorney.

Living_Internet4924 − I’m sure I’ll get downvoted into oblivion, but this sounds extremely one-sided and like there’s a lot more to the story. She started to go back to school (presumably to better your family and financial situation) and your response was to split your finances out and hold her accountable for bills even though she was going to school and you were working 60 hours a week.

You then split finances out further and didn’t even file taxes as a couple - not by her choice, by yours. Did you give her a heads-up that you were going to file on your own or did you just drop that out of nowhere and surprise her? You wanted to move to Chicago - sounds like she followed you.

You get her pregnant and then complain that she had a miserable pregnancy - you were mad that she didn’t check up on you when you had an injury but it sure doesn’t sound like you were doing anything to take care of her when she was pregnant with your kid? Frankly, it sounds like you have hated her for a really long time, and we don’t have the other half of the story to know whether it’s justified.

It seems like you hated her even before things went sour. And now you’re shocked that she doesn’t want to be around you. Your post makes it sound like you contribute financially and that’s it, and then you’re mad that she allows you to contribute financially. Do you make those payments then use it as an excuse to be hateful to her?

I wouldn’t be appreciative of someone contributing financially if they held it over my head and treated me poorly for it. This sounds like the relationship is done for and you need to get on with it, but I’d be willing to bet your next relationship is going to be the same way if you don’t figure yourself out.

[Reddit User] − You’re wrong for getting her pregnant during this whole mess 🙄 feel bad for the kid

These hot takes are bold, but do they oversimplify a complex mess? One thing’s certain: Redditors smell a marriage on its last legs.

This chef’s story is a sizzling reminder that love can curdle when trust and teamwork vanish. His wife’s actions—ditching financial promises, sidelining their son’s bond with his dad, and planning solo adventures—paint a picture of selfishness that’s hard to ignore. Yet, is his hatred justified, or could there be more to her side? What would you do if your partner checked out of your shared life? Spill your thoughts below and let’s stir the pot.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *