I (M30) am close to terminally ill. How do I talk to my Wife (F30) and kids about it?

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Step into a warm kitchen, where a dad grapples with a chronic illness that’s reshaped his daily life. For this 30-year-old father, managing his health is tough, but his wife’s silence feels tougher, leaving him torn between shielding his kids and speaking up.

With a curious 5-year-old asking about doctor visits and a 2-year-old unaware, his push for open talks meets quick deflections. Is he wrong to force the issue, or is avoidance widening the family gap? Let’s dive into this Reddit tale of love, fear, and the quest for connection.

‘I (M30) am close to terminally ill. How do I talk to my Wife (F30) and kids about it?’

I (M30) am married to my Wife (F30). We have two kids (F2 and M 5). Around 4 month ago I became sick. The 5 year old kid knows I'm sick but they both don't really know what's truly happening. I'm still fighting hard but I am getting sicker. Medicine isn't working and options are dwindling. My wife doesn't really want to talk about it. I don't blame her at all.

She believes the treatments plans will work. Any attempts at bringing up it not working is quickly shut down and topic changed. I honestly don't know if I'm gonna make it but I want to start preparing. How do I even start this conversation up with her? I know she's not gonna wanna hear it.

I'm thinking of really forcing the conversation, but I don't know what to say or if I should wait until I've tried all medical options first. At what point should we tell the kids the truth about what's going on? How do you even go about explain that to little kids who don't even understand death? 

Navigating a chronic illness in a family is like steering a ship through choppy waters—communication keeps everyone afloat. The OP’s push for openness clashes with his wife’s avoidance, likely rooted in fear or denial. Family therapist Dr. Elaine Fogel Schneider notes, “Honest dialogue about health fosters resilience in families” (Psychology Today). By shutting down talks, the wife may be shielding herself, but this risks isolating the OP and confusing the kids.

This reflects a broader issue: health challenges strain family dynamics when unspoken. A 2021 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found 70% of couples report communication breakdowns during chronic illness (APA PsycNet). The OP’s desire to prepare—through routines or kid-friendly explanations—is proactive, not pessimistic. His wife’s optimism, while hopeful, may delay necessary adjustments.

Dr. Schneider suggests “starting small with neutral topics,” like discussing doctor visits, to ease into tougher talks. For the kids, using İnce, simple metaphors (e.g., “Daddy’s body needs extra help to stay strong”) can demystify the illness. The OP could propose a family meeting with a counselor to align perspectives.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit brought empathy and advice, blending heartfelt support with practical tips. Here’s a glimpse of the community’s response to this family’s crossroads.

AbjectAcanthisitta89 − I'm so sorry. I'm a pediatric pathologist and have talked to over 600 families of dead children after doing the autopsy. I have a lot of experience with death, reactions, grieving, etc. I never do this, but if you want to talk about how to talk about this dm me and I'll send you my number.

PermaThrowaway111 − Man, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I understand this is a sensitive topic and extremely difficult to talk about but you need to have the discussion with her. Tell her that you're not giving up but you also need to plan out for what happens in the future. You're going to exhaust all options for treatment, but the discussion can't be put off longer.. I wish you the best of luck and hope you beat this thing, whatever it may be.

SnooRecipes9891 − Get an end of life dula that can help you get ready and plan.

henicorina − Regardless of whether you survive this disease or not, you and your wife are both going to die at some point. Have you talked about the practical side of this? Do you have wills? Do you have life insurance? What happens if she gets hit by a truck tomorrow? You’re not going to have one conversation about this with your wife - if you’re lucky, you will have dozens of conversations about this topic over many decades.

But starting from this broad angle might feel less intense than addressing the current situation head on. For the kids, have you talked to them about death in other contexts? Do they know that plants and animals die, and what it means? I would start there. Use clear concrete language and avoid euphemism.

NolaLove1616 − I have a lot of experience on this subject. I’d start doing instead of talking since she’s not ready. Amazon has a “in case I go missing binder” but it has everything a partner would need if you were gone. Order one and let her see you working on it, you’ll feel better having this for her, make videos for your children and let her know you’re doing it.

Forward them to a email and put the email in password in your binder you’re ordering. When you are ready call hospice, tell her you’re having a meeting in advance with them to plan for the future need if she’d like to be there etc.. I’m so sorry.

BunnySlayer64 − Wow. My husband just recently got a diagnosis that estimates he has 5 years left, but they will get progressively more difficult, so I totally understand where you are right now.

I would say, first of all, that even if your wife continues to play ostrich, you need to move forward on your own with end of life plans. If you do, somehow, recover, then you are ahead of the game for your future planning needs.

* Start with a will, and set up a trust if you have a home or other significant assets or want to set aside a portion of your personal estate to fund your children's future education, etc. You'll want to find the best advice you can for both. * Next, decide on how you want your remains to be handled. Make provision for that so that your family doesn't have to take on that burden when the time comes.

* Write out a plan for any memorial service you would like your loved ones to observe. See if this can be included as a part of your will. As far as having 'the talk' with your wife, I'm really at a bit of a loss. Has she gone to your medical appointments with you?

Have you discussed your prognosis with your doctor(s) in front of her? Have you suggested couple's therapy? OP, I wish you all the best. Savor every day of your journey, no matter where it's going to end.. The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow'r,.  And all that beauty, all that wealth e'er gave,. Awaits alike th' inevitable hour.. The paths of glory lead but to the grave.. \~Thomas Gray

ChickenScratchCoffee − Please order some books that you can read and it records your voice. My dad did this for me and it’s a keepsake. Write letters or cards to your kids and wife. You don’t have to tell them you’re doing it, just do it and put them somewhere safe.

Smitty1216 − The kids shouldn't be told until you're unable to hide it anymore. A five year old barely understands death and making them worry the whole time would be bad. 2 year old obviously has no idea what's going on.. You should force the issue with your wife, directly say to her you need to talk about what if.

floridaeng − OP you start making videos for your kids to watch as they grow up and achieve various milestones, become a teenager, HS graduation, college, getting engaged, getting married, 1st kid, and any others you can think of. And a video for your wife to see after you die telling her it's OK if she moves on, just let your kids watch the videos at the appropriate times.. Give copies of these to several people so less chance of them being lost or thrown out.

FrankandSammy − Ask your medical team for a reference to a child life specialist! They share the news in an age appropriate way.

These Reddit takes are heartfelt, but do they capture the full picture? Maybe the wife’s silence hides her own fears, or the OP’s push is the nudge they need.

This health saga stirs a vital question: when does protecting loved ones mean facing hard truths together? The OP’s urge to talk isn’t about giving up—it’s about building a stronger family foundation. Chronic illness tests bonds, but openness can mend them. If you were in his shoes, how would you break the silence with a reluctant spouse or explain health to little ones? Drop your thoughts below and let’s explore this family’s journey!

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