I (46F) have hurt my daughter (16F) by giving her friend(16F) a few books?

Family dynamics can become complicated when acts intended as kindness inadvertently hurt those closest to us. In this update, a 22‑year‑old woman recounts how her decision to lend several books from her extensive collection to her daughter’s friend ended up straining her relationship with her 16‑year‑old daughter.

The friend had recently come out, and her receiving the books was meant as a sign of support and encouragement. However, the daughter felt that this act signified a preference for her friend—something that added new tension to an already sensitive situation. The post raises the question: Was it wrong to extend a kind gesture when it ended up hurting her daughter?

For those who want to read the next part: Update : I (46F) have hurt my daughter (16F) by giving her friend(16F) a few books? 

‘I (46F) have hurt my daughter (16F) by giving her friend(16F) a few books?’

My daughter’s (16F) friend came out a few weeks ago to her family and friends. It has put a bit of a strain on their relationship. I don’t know what is happening is going on between them but I try not to pry. She (16F) visited us this week, My husband and I read a lot and have a huge collection of books. We let her pick out a few books.

She picked a few thrillers, some LGBTQ+ memoirs and the like. she was happy about it. She posted about it on Instagram. My daughter saw it. She is angry with us for picking her friend’s side and that she wanted to read those books. which is surprising as she is not a person who reads a ton of books. Something is really bothering her and she is lashing out.

I feel a bit guilty as it is clear something is going on between them and I feel like this act hurt our daughter even though it was meant to show support to her friend. My daughter is constantly making snide remarks about us preferring her friend over her. My husband is just ignoring it and wants us to ignore it too and let her deal with this issue on her own while I have been trying to talk to her about it.

Family counselors emphasize that while acts of kindness are important, the delivery and context are equally crucial—especially when dealing with teens. Dr. Marisol Vega, a licensed family therapist, explains: “When you extend support to one child or their friends in a way that isn’t transparently communicated, it can inadvertently trigger feelings of rejection or jealousy in siblings. It’s not necessarily the act itself but how it is perceived that can create friction.”

Dr. Vega adds, “In this case, the mom had good intentions, but a proactive conversation explaining why the gesture was meant as support—and not as favoritism—might have mitigated the daughter’s feelings. Teens often misinterpret even minor actions through the lens of unresolved insecurities. The key is to have open, honest, and empathetic discussions about intentions and feelings.”

Furthermore, experts point out that such incidents are often less about the material action (here, the lending of books) and more about the underlying dynamics between family members. They advise that “allowing space for both validation of the friend’s milestones and affirmation of the daughter’s own importance can help reframe the narrative for all involved.” This balanced approach is crucial to ensuring that supportive gestures do not backfire.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The Reddit community has offered a range of perspectives on this sensitive issue: Many commenters pointed out that the daughter’s reaction likely stems from deeper, possibly unexpressed emotions. One user noted, “It isn’t about the books—it’s about feeling left out or that your feelings aren’t valued.”

Several responses recommended that the mom reassure her daughter of her love and importance. Comments such as “when you’re ready to talk, I’m here for you” were advised to help validate the daughter’s feelings and open the door to a dialogue.

[Reddit User] −  It isn’t about the books. She may still need time to process, there may also have been something awkward involved in the coming out that you don’t know about (e.g. the friend has a crush on your daughter) or she could feel hurt that she didn’t know sooner, etc.

There are a lot of options for what might have happened, and unless your daughter decides to tell you about it, there’s not much you can do. When she makes snide comments I recommend “I didn’t know you were fighting, you never told me” and “when you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here, but you *know* what you’re saying isn’t true”.

However, your husband is also right. They will figure it out themselves, they are teenagers, this is what they do. You don’t need to interfere with their business, your only job is to remind her that her comments to you are unacceptable.

Anotherams −  If reddit was around years ago my own mother could have posted something similar to this about me. My mom was always involved in my friends lives (and way to involved in the issues of other adults, but that is another story), but a little out of touch when it came to mine. My parents were giving me lots of space to be a moody teenager, almost a little too much.

Because I was not acting up or acting out they left me alone. I was still craving one on one time with them, but didn’t know how to ask for it. Since nothing was technically wrong I couldn’t voice that I still needed some of the attention I needed as a small child. I feel get incredibly let down, not necessarily jealous, when I saw mom giving help to others rather than me.

A sixteen year old is so close to being an adult, but not quite there yet, especially emotionally. Maybe some time together without a friend just doing something fun like getting coffee, ice cream, or a walk and not talking about other people’s issues unless she brings it up will help soothe things over.

ComprehensiveBand586 −  I don’t think ignoring it is going to solve anything; in fact, it will make it worse. You did a kind thing for her friend but it sounds like your daughter is jealous. Tell her that you love her. Spend time with her just the two of you or the three of you as a family. You know, you could make her favorite dinner or watch a movie together. Don’t pressure her to spend time with you but let her know that you’re there for her.

unsafeideas −  Maybe she does not need space. Maybe she needs attention and to talk. Obviously, you have done nothing wrong borrowing those books. And if your daughter is jealous or feels like it somehow represents you taking side in conflict you know nothing about, then it means she needs something from you. Books and attention to other kids are good. But it sounds like your kid need something.

helendestroy −  Do you share interests with your daughter? Do you make a point to share in the things she likes?

1stofallhowdareewe −  Definitely try to talk to her. Let her know you love and support her, because something is going on. As far as the books go offer to get the titles for her so she can read them if she wants. 16 is a hard age and I’m not sure what is going on between them. But let her know obviously you are on her side and whenever she wants to talk you’re there for her.

xandrew245x −  Need a lot more parents like you around.