I (43F) read my fiancee’s (56M) journals and don’t know if I can marry him now?
In a cozy home filled with the promise of a shared future, a woman’s world unraveled with a single click. At 43, she thought she’d found her forever in her 56-year-old fiancé, their love blossoming over three years despite a rocky start. But while working on his computer, an open email revealed a journal entry that turned her stomach. His words, raw and unfiltered, painted her as a compromise, a shadow of his idealized past. Her heart raced as betrayal sank in, the glow of their shared summer nights fading into doubt.
Now, alone in their quiet house, she grapples with a gut-punch of emotions—shock, hurt, and the nagging urge to flee. Should she pack a bag and seek clarity in a hotel, or face the man she thought she knew? Readers, brace yourselves for a tale of trust shattered and tough choices ahead.
‘I (43F) read my fiancee’s (56M) journals and don’t know if I can marry him now?’
Discovering a partner’s hidden disdain can feel like a rug pulled from under your feet. This woman’s peek into her fiancé’s journals reveals a man wrestling with regret and idealized fantasies, casting her as a lesser choice. His words sting, but they also expose a deeper issue: unresolved insecurities and a troubling view of women. Let’s unpack this.
The fiancé’s oscillation between resentment and self-pity suggests a struggle with commitment, common in long-term bachelors. His fixation on “Lauren,” an idealized figure, contrasts with his harsh judgment of the OP’s past, revealing a Madonna-mistress complex. As Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce” (source). The fiancé’s contemptuous tone—calling the OP “damaged” while pedestalizing Lauren—signals a lack of respect that erodes trust.
Broadly, this reflects a societal issue: unrealistic expectations in relationships. A 2023 study found 60% of men over 50 harbor regrets about past romantic choices, often idealizing “what could have been” (source). The fiancé’s journals echo this, projecting his dissatisfaction onto the OP rather than confronting his own non-committal past. His misogynistic undertones—judging women’s worth by their sexual history—further complicate the dynamic.
Dr. Gottman’s advice to rebuild trust involves open communication and accountability. If the OP confronts her fiancé, he must own his words and work to rebuild respect. Couples therapy could help, but only if both commit fully. For the OP, prioritizing self-worth is key. She might ask: Does this relationship honor my value? Setting boundaries, like taking space for reflection, can clarify her path.
Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:
Reddit didn’t hold back on this one—here’s a mix of fiery and thoughtful takes from the community. Buckle up for some candid reactions:
These opinions are spicy, but do they capture the full picture?
This woman’s discovery is a wake-up call, forcing her to weigh love against self-respect. Her fiancé’s words cut deep, revealing a man who may not fully value her. Whether she stays or walks away, her next steps hinge on reclaiming her worth. What would you do if you uncovered a partner’s secret doubts? Drop your thoughts below—let’s unpack this messy, human drama together!
I could understand if yhis was old writing but its new ….
What you need to do us not conftont him but screenshot it and plan uour leave..
He nis only staying with you bexause he doesnt think he will get anyone else..
He obgiously doesnt love you but only tolerates…and he is using you
Get out and when you fo leave..leave him tge printed version of what he wrote and say goodbye and that he is free now to look for someone better
Never compromise and settle..leave and find happiness
You have to look after your self first and make sure your taken care of mentally an physically. A relationship will never work if the other person doesn’t take care of them selves, there’s no way to care for someone else if you don’t and can’t do that for yourself. That also means practice being open with your self stop lying or trying to convince your self of something, especially if it feels off nine times out of ten it is
My first marriage was to a man that didn’t value me as a person. A few months after we got married he told me he felt like he lowered himself to marry me because I wasn’t a virgin when we got together. (I had been with 2 other guys and he had been with 1 other woman) I should have left then but he threatened to take full custody of our newborn daughter because I wasn’t working and couldn’t support us by myself. I stuck it out for 11 years as a faithful military wife before he left me for someone he respected more because she had a career and college degree. I wish I would have left before wasting over a decade on him. If he doesn’t appreciate you now he never will.
Yeah, she knew all along something wasn’t right in their relationship otherwise she would not have been tempted to snoop. Run. Personally, I’d print out the emails and leave them on his computer and have as much of my stuff out the house when he gets home. He’s 56-year old boy. The only woman who should be in his life is a therapist. Oh and I bet Lauren hardly remembers him.
Leave. Run fast and far. Block him. Leave the pages open on his computer. That’s all the explanation needed.
IDK man, I can relate. Aren’t these the honest types of thoughts everyone has? His mistake was writing them down. People are often settling at that age. I’ve settled and been settled for. At the end of the day, relationships are about how much compromise two people are willing to make and how much risk they want to take. This one just seems like high compromise AND high risk, so – not so great.
My advice. Get a pre-nup. Marry it/him. let him f**k the marriage life up and take him for whatever you can.
Sorry about your relationship. You deserve better . Leave now while he is away so you make sure you get back all your stuff .
Honesltly
In my humble opinion
I would t stay with this kind of guy
First of all he still thinks at his e and obviosly he isn t over her
He finds her more capable than you
Also he thinks low about you
I would leave if i was you
And i would give him the screenshot of what he said about you
And Block him permantly without giving him a chance to explain anything
Because he doesn t deserve it
He was clear enough
If it was that easy to see your name he wanted you to. He is a coward.
He wants to end it but wants you to do it so he can blame you for looking in his emails.
I would get away quickly. After reading that, the door is closed.