I (40m) accidentally read a text of my partners (39f) and it is not great

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A dead phone and a recipe search lead a 40-year-old man to a gut-punch discovery: his wife’s open messenger app, revealing texts about divorce and a looming job move. After a rocky two years and a recent fight, he thought their marriage was on the mend.

But her words to a friend—“I think it’s inevitable”—and her denial of discussing divorce shatter his trust. Shared on Reddit, this raw tale of accidental snooping and hidden fears captures a marriage teetering on the edge of collapse.

‘I (40m) accidentally read a text of my partners (39f) and it is not great’

I (40m) went to use my wife’s (39f) phone to look up a recipe and after unlocking it the messenger app was open and was about divorce. I shouldn’t have violated her space. I wasn’t trying to, my phone was dead and I was trying to make dinner. But still I violated her space, especially as I scrolled I get that.

Please be gentle as I’m in a dark place right now. My relationship has been very strained lately, and we had a big fight two nights ago, where I needed some short term reassurance in our marriage before making a huge career decision, but ended up going through an internal checklist of every insecurity I had in our relationship.. It was awful of me to do that.

Today I grabbed her phone while making dinner and saw she had texted a recently divorced coworker about job offer I just received.. The text I saw was:. Wife’s friend: “you definitely don’t want to move right now for custody reasons, but let’s chat tomorrow at lunch”.

And. My wife: “sounds good.”. I panicked when I saw custody…. So I scrolled up and saw My wife: [My name] got offered a job [three states over], but we might be heading towards divorce, not sure what to do career wise.. Wife’s friend: “Yeah, I understand that sadly.”

My wife: “I hate that I’m in this situation. I have tried to avoid it for the past 2 years, but I think it’s inevitable at this point.” This friend came up in conversation an hour later as my wife was exploring career moves to mesh with mine and my wife denied wanting to talk to her about divorce at all.

I don’t know what to do. Our relationship is coming out of a bad place, but we have made amazing progress and are doing pretty good (a long way to go). I have never had my wife lie to me before so this is earth shattering to me as much about the notion that she feels divorce might be inevitable.

Does this mean we are headed for divorce, or just that she feels helpless in the moment? We had just had a big for us fight as I work through mental health issues.. Please help.

Marriage thrives on trust, but this man’s story reveals how fragile it becomes when communication falters. His accidental glimpse into his wife’s texts exposes her private fears about divorce, intensified by a potential cross-state move for his job offer. Her denial of discussing divorce, despite evidence, deepens the betrayal, while their recent fight and strained history suggest unresolved tensions.

Marital strain often surfaces during major life decisions. A 2021 study in Journal of Family Psychology found that 40% of couples face heightened conflict when contemplating relocation, especially if the relationship is already rocky. Dr. Sue Johnson, a couples therapist, notes, “When one partner processes fears privately, it’s a sign of disconnection, not necessarily a decision to end things”. Her texts reflect practical concerns—custody, career, isolation—rather than a firm divorce plan.

His mental health struggles and the recent fight, where he unloaded insecurities, likely added pressure. Her perception that things haven’t improved, despite his sense of progress, points to a communication gap. Her friend’s advice about custody suggests she’s protecting her future, not necessarily plotting an exit.

Honesty is the next step. He should admit to reading the texts, apologize for the breach, and invite an open talk about their fears and the job move. Couples therapy could bridge their disconnect, especially with his mental health challenges. Declining the job or delaying the move might ease her fears, but only mutual effort can rebuild trust. Transparency and vulnerability are critical to clarify their path forward.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit community expressed sympathy for the man’s distress but urged him to face the reality of his wife’s doubts. Many noted that her texts suggest she’s been grappling with divorce for years, possibly giving up on improvement while he perceived progress.

Commenters criticized his fight-time insecurity dump as unfair pressure, suggesting it pushed her further away. The consensus pushed for an honest conversation, admitting the phone breach, and exploring couples therapy to address underlying issues, especially before a major move.

Practical_Goose4422 − What’s been going on for the last 2 years??

barbaramillicent − Our relationship is coming out of a bad place, but we have made amazing progress and are doing pretty good Are you sure you’ve made progress, or did she just stop fighting for it to be better? It’s very common that when one partner gives up and is ready to end the relationship, the other partner thinks things are getting better because they’re fighting less.

Did you accept that job offer? Was that what the big fight was about? Expecting your wife to move 3 states over when your relationship is in a bad place is not helping. I’m not saying that is your fault or you’re to blame, just…

I wouldn’t want to move 3 states away, have distance from my support system, and give up my own job all for a relationship that isn’t in a good place. That’s a scary place to be and if things were already rocky, I can see that being the final nail in the coffin. Did you acknowledge that when you brought up potentially moving?

[Reddit User] − I have a friend that had a great job (corporate NY lawyer), a husband and two beautiful kids. Her husband got an amazing job offer in Arizona of all places. She moved for him. About a year after they got there, he filed for do and she is STUCK.

She passed the AZ bar and has a good job, but she is removed from her entire support group (parents, etc). It probably hurt to read what you did but your wife is right for thinking about these issues. It’s time to have an open conversation..no judgement.

1MorningLightMTN − It means she's not moving states and neither are your kids because states love keeping jurisdiction over children. If you accept this job offer know that you will become the holiday/summer parent and mostly you will be embarking on this new chapter alone. You might be able to salvage the marriage if you turn down the job. FWIW I wouldn't leave states for a rocky marriage either.

-13corset13- − Sounds like you need to talk to your wife, and tell her what happened with the phone. Be honest with her, and try to find a way to do so without accusations or judgement.

I would recommend approaching her as a concerned spouse trying to fidn a way to make things work. No one can tell you what is going to happen, but it sounds like she doesn't want to move. This is a complicated situation.

Ok_Coolbutt − To offer any kind of support or advice, we’d need far more detail than what’s provided here. Whats been happening the last two years? And what progress have you been making? You’re giving us the information of your wife’s texts, but not the information of the insecurity checklist you proffered to her.

Are you working through your mental health issues with a professional? Because that’s not your wife’s job and puts stress on her as well. There’s a lot of accountability being dodged in the post.

Also, if you’d read her texts after this emotionally charged conversation, she isn’t going to believe it was an accident just like I and other readers don’t, so you might as well tell her the truth.

JealousBed1807 − Honestly, what you read from your wife doesn’t seem to be out of line. You are having a tough time together and need to make a big life decision and she is trying to process with the help of her friend.

My suggestion would be to tell your wife what happened, admit you scrolled a bit when you shouldn’t have, share that you are worried about divorce as well and that you would like to talk with her about it.

It sounds like you two could use some marriage counselling with a focus on clear and kind communication with each other. You won’t avoid a divorce by getting mad at each other for considering it … considering it is a good barometer that there are things in your relationship that you need to improve.

UsuallyWrite2 − You say your relationship is coming out of a bad place yet you say the relationship is strained and you two just had a huge fight. So which is it? Have you been doing couples counseling? What are the key issues and what are each of you doing to resolve them?

I think that if the relationship isn’t in a good place then it makes sense that when faced with a major move where she’d be away from her support and have to quit her job that she’d be reevaluating the relationship very seriously.

If she moved and then you two divorced, then she’s stuck states away from friends and family because she can’t leave with your mutual child. So her saying “we may be headed towards divorce” seems like a person who is being very practical based on the state of the union.

Not that she wants a divorce or that she’s filing….just that she’s worried things aren’t going to work out.. I think you keep it to yourself, talk to your therapist, and in the future, don’t use her phone. Seriously, I have conversations with my friends that my partner wouldn’t appreciate at times and visa versa.

Being able to bounce things off of a trusted friend can be helpful. And all that said, I know couples who came to the brink of divorce but put the work in and pulled through. I also know people (like me) who wanted the marriage to work and turned themselves inside out and upside down and the only regret is not having divorced sooner.

It’s hard to save a marriage when both parties aren’t trying in good faith.. You clearly think things are going better than she does which makes me think you’re not paying attention.. If you two aren’t doing couples therapy already then set it up.

Lastly I’ll tell you that big moves are stressful—and usually more so for the trailing spouse. I’ve moved 26 times within the US, Europe, or Africa for my job or my partner’s job. The first big move is by far the hardest emotionally and often logistically as well as you have no experience to fall back on.

I could rattle off a quick checklist for people now of what to do, when, and how when it comes to moving your family but….it’s still stressful. So if you two aren’t in a pretty solid place, and she is worried about the future? I probably wouldn’t take that job unless you plan to go alone.

Historical-Pie-5052 − Okay OP what's been going on the last two years? You're leaving some stuff out.

Hefty-Profession2185 − It's over bro. You have finally pushed her to far. Things seem better because she has moved on emotional. Looks like you are going to have to start solving your mental health issues on your own instead of fighting with your wife.  I recommend couples therapy focused on co-parenting.

This story of a husband’s accidental discovery of his wife’s divorce fears lays bare the pain of hidden truths in a struggling marriage. His shattered trust and her private doubts collide as a job move looms, testing their bond.

The Reddit chorus calls for honesty and hard work to salvage what’s left. Have you faced a moment where trust was shaken by an unintended revelation? Share your experiences below and let’s unpack the path to rebuilding or letting go!

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