I (27F) was sick and couldn’t care for myself, and my partner (29M) chose not to come home, how do I move forward in the relationship after this?

Shirley Stafford Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In a dim bedroom, where fever and exhaustion pinned a 27-year-old woman to her bed, she faced a chilling reality: her partner of 12 years chose to vanish rather than care for her. Reeling from a failed exam, he left her alone, unable to cook or function, prioritizing his feelings over her desperate needs. Her mother’s dismissal—siding with him—deepened the sting. This raw betrayal pulls readers into a story of neglect and shaken trust.

Her Reddit post, heavy with hurt, sparked a wave of outrage and support, with users dissecting her partner’s selfishness. It’s a poignant tale of love tested by vulnerability, where basic care becomes a breaking point. Let’s dive into her words and the reactions they ignited.

‘I (27F) was sick and couldn’t care for myself, and my partner (29M) chose not to come home, how do I move forward in the relationship after this?’

I (27F) have been sick with fever, no strength, no appetite, and completely exhausted. I have barely been able to do anything or leave the bed because of how drained I’ve felt. I was home alone, clearly unwell, and not even able to make food for myself. My partner (29M) had the day off. He found out in the morning that he failed an exam.

I understand that it was upsetting for him, I really do. He can retake this exam in the future. But instead of coming home or asking how I was doing, he chose to stay away. He didn’t check in. He just disappeared to be alone and “process” how he felt. Meanwhile, I was home alone, shivering in bed, unable to cook or function, and completely unsupported.

I expressed my needs multiple times again and again, just to make it clear as I didn’t write it at first. I ended up calling my mom because I felt so alone. I told her that I didn’t think it was okay that he just left me like that when I was sick and needed help. Her immediate response was, “Well, you have to understand that he was sad, you’re being unempatethic”.

When I said that I also felt bad, and that I don’t think it’s acceptable to leave your partner completely alone in that situation, she started implying that I was the one being unreasonable. It felt like she was basically saying that my needs were secondary to his feelings. That if he was sad, he had every right to disappear, and if I had a problem with that, it was my fault for not understanding him.

It’s like in her eyes, he gets full permission to set boundaries or withdraw, but the moment I speak up and say “I don’t think this is okay,” I’m the one being difficult or selfish. There’s no room for me to have feelings, no space where my vulnerability is taken seriously. I felt not only abandoned by him, but dismissed by her.

Doesn’t my mother think I deserve to get food when sick? I wasn’t asking for anything extreme. I didn’t expect him to fix my problems or make a dramatic gesture. I just needed someone to care. Bring me a meal. Sit next to me when I wanted to. Ask if I was okay.

He would still have plenty of time for himself to withdraw: but within the context of the home. I believe that’s one of the most basic things you take responsibility for when you’re in a relationship with another person, you care for them when they’re sick. You don’t walk away from someone when they’re vulnerable and unable to take care of themselves.

If someone can’t do that, I honestly don’t know how I could ever feel safe building a life with them. We have been together for 12 years, but it’s not like I knew what was normal in a relationship or not. My father would act in a similar way so…

Relationships thrive on mutual care, but this woman’s partner abandoned her in her hour of need, prioritizing his disappointment over her health. His failure to check in, despite her clear vulnerability, signals a lack of empathy. Dr. Sue Johnson, a relationship therapist, notes, “Emotional responsiveness is the cornerstone of a secure bond.” His absence during her illness fractures that bond, leaving her unsafe in the relationship.

Her pain reflects the toll of neglect, which can erode trust and self-worth, especially after 12 years together. Her mother’s response, excusing him while invalidating her, mirrors a generational pattern of prioritizing men’s emotions, deepening her isolation. This double betrayal—by partner and parent—amplifies the emotional stakes.

This story highlights broader issues of gendered expectations in relationships. Her partner’s withdrawal, coupled with her mother’s defense, suggests a dynamic where her needs are secondary. His inability to balance his feelings with her physical vulnerability raises red flags about his reliability as a long-term partner, particularly for future challenges like parenting.

Therapy could help her process this hurt and assess the relationship’s viability, focusing on whether her partner can grow in empathy. Support from friends or a counselor might counter her mother’s bias, affirming her right to care. Her instinct to question this neglect is a step toward demanding the respect she deserves, whether with him or beyond.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit users rallied with fierce support, condemning the partner’s selfishness and her mother’s skewed priorities. Many saw his absence as a dealbreaker, arguing that failing to care for a sick partner reveals a lack of commitment. Others criticized her mother for excusing male neglect, urging the woman to reject this outdated mindset.

Some suggested ending the relationship, noting that 12 years with such disregard is too long. These bold takes, laced with Reddit’s sharp wit, champion her worth and push for a partner who shows up. They reflect a collective call to prioritize her needs and rethink her future.

AgonistPhD − I laughed aloud at 'you have to understand that he was sad.' That has got to be the new Iranian yogurt. What a ludicrously low bar of acceptable behavior she expects from men as ostensible partners. What is even the point of being a couple? I'm with you on this. Twelve years is already too long to spend with Dad Part 2. Time to meet potential partners you didn't choose at 15.

starry_nite99 − Well if your dad acted in a similar way, that’s why your mom is telling you your partners feelings are more important than yours- because that’s the relationship she had with your dad. You’ve been with this guy since you were 15, so he’s basically all you’ve ever known in terms of a relationship. If this is how he treats you on the regular, or even semi regular, you need to reexamine your relationship as a whole.

Ok-Willow-9145 − Ask yourself what he would do if you chose to abandon him when he was sick?. If doing so didn’t lead to the end of the relationship you would never hear the end of it. Your mother is not in a position to see this clearly because she’s accepted n**lect and disregard from your father. I suspect this isn’t the first time he has failed to support you when you needed it. You have to decide if this relationship is serving your needs.

hesherlobster27 − Your mom is wrong. She is used to excusing horrible behavior from men and now is teaching you to do the same. Please don’t accept this. Your partner is selfish and childish for not caring for you when you are so sick. Ok he failed a test…big deal. Grow up and be a good partner to someone who needs you. You can do so much better and really should expect more for yourself!

catsandparrots − Move forward with someone that likes you instead

TacoStrong − Dating is a preview of marriage if loving married couples don't do what he did then you shouldn't be with him. You could have been on death's bed for all you both knew and instead he decided to sulk in his own personal feelings. I think your health is more important than his failing of a test IMO. You move forward without him, that's what you do.

T00narmy1 − This is an example of a double standard, and it's very common. YOU are expected to be empathetic to HIS feelings, and 'understand' his need for space even if it means abandoning you when you need him, but if you were ever to do that, prioritize yourself over him when HE needs YOU, you would be 'unsupportive' and you would be in the wrong.

That's complete BS. You'll hear it from older women too, but it's because their relationships are/were also unhealthy. You do not have to accept that. Now, I'm not going to say that your boyfriend's actions and decisions were wrong or right - because there really is no wrong or right in a situation like this.

This is just a situation that arises (and WILL again arise) in your relationships, and this is a good way to see how your partner handles these issues. Your partner prioritizes themselves 100% in your relationship. Doesn't even check in. Doesn't have ANY space for you or your feelings when he is feeling something.

Can only be there for you when everything is GOOD in HIS world. He's basically saying he's useless to you as a partner because he had his 'own' stuff to deal with. Now, that's his choice. It's how it makes you FEEL that matters here. That's what determines whether or not this person is right for you in the long run.

For me, I wouldn't want a 'fair weather' partner. I want someone who is going to be there for me no matter what. Who is going to let me be there for them too. And physical illness trumps being 'upset over a failed exam' any day of the week. Your boyfriend is selfish but likely just immature.

In any case, the only solution if you don't like the way he made you feel is to stop dating him, and date someone who doesn't make you feel that way. There are plenty PLENTY of guys who are kinder than this, believe me. You don't like how he acted, the decisions he made, when you really needed him.

Believe this: This is who he is, and who he will always be. He will always come first. You either accept that, or you move on to someone who is more compatible with the relationship you really want.

Yay_Rabies − This is not a suitable partner for having children with if that’s ever your goal.  

Huge-Singer-7049 − One of the cruelest things a mother can do is maintain a male-oriented outlook on life, and try to impose that on her daughter. That’s not even her child, and you see how she puts his needs over you? Because someone taught her that men are more important, and now she wants you to act as thought men are more important. 

Which is how you ended up with such a s**tty, useless boyfriend. Because she thought she didn’t deserve more than a s**tty, useless husband. I’m sorry your mom isn’t in your corner. I’m sorry your boyfriend isn’t either. But you deserve better than both of them, and hope (when you’re feeling better) you go and find it.

happy_camper_5252 − Hi. 31F here, speaking from experience. My ex was like this, and I spent 2 years trying to make things work with him before I finally had to call it quits. He did this to me multiple times, and would have continued to do exactly this if I hadn't left.. There are two questions I think you should ask yourself that might help.

If your dearest friend, or a sister was in a relationship with a guy who did this, what would you advise her to do?  (if you are considering a future with him that involves starting a family) if your future child was sick like this and your partner gave this same level of support, care, and effort, would you be okay with that?. It is not your job to teach a grown man empathy. You deserve better. I'm sorry this happened.

This woman’s story is a stark reminder that love means showing up, especially when a partner is vulnerable. Her partner’s abandonment and her mother’s dismissal expose a painful gap in care, shaking her trust after 12 years.

Reddit’s chorus urges her to demand better, valuing her needs over outdated excuses. Have you ever faced neglect when you needed support? How did you rebuild trust—or move on? Share your thoughts below and let’s unpack this raw tale of betrayal and resilience.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *