I (21F) and my BF (28M) have a basically unwritten Rule to split costs. Can I tell my bf that I don’t want to pay for things anymore?

Jonathan Hours
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Imagine a college student, backpack slung over one shoulder, boarding a bus every weekend to see her boyfriend in another state. Her wallet’s thinning, but her heart’s full—at least, it was. For this 21-year-old, a promise to split costs with her 28-year-old boyfriend sounded fair four months ago. Now, with travel expenses piling up and her part-time job barely covering coffee, the arrangement feels like a one-way ticket to broke.

This isn’t about dodging responsibility—it’s about a young woman realizing love shouldn’t drain her bank account. Her Reddit post spills the tea on a long-distance relationship where financial fairness is starting to wobble. As she grapples with how to talk to her boyfriend without rocking the boat, we’re drawn into a story that’s equal parts relatable and eye-opening. Who hasn’t felt the pinch of stretching too far for love?

‘I (21F) and my bF (28M) have a basically unwritten Rule to split costs. Can I tell my bf that I don’t want to pay for things anymore?’

Me (21f) and my bf (28m) had a conversation about 2 weeks in our relationship to split the costs or we pay each time we go to a restaurant or something. We have been dating for almost 4 months now and we see each other every weekend because he has work and I have college (We live in different states).

And in the beginning of our relationship I asked him if it was alright if I paid for some of our things. The reason I asked is because I was raised a certain way and I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything (except family). So anyways he told me he actually preferred it but he didn’t know how to bring it up to me.

Now I know what the title suggests but it’s not that I don’t want to pay or split it’s just that it’s getting harder for me to do it Because I’m mainly travelling to him every week and we go out to eat every day. I don’t know how to bring it up to him in a way he will understand because I have been paying and travelling for 4 months now..  

For extra context •I have a part time job but it’s really only for some walking around money and I get paid next to nothing. •It’s about $200 to travel to him and back. •He works with computers so he makes way more than me and eats out a lot •I try to tell him to buy groceries and I will cook for him but even when he does we still end up eating out.

•I normally don’t have a big appetite so most of the cost of the food is his. •He does still pay for more things than me and he does travel to see me too but that happened maybe 4 or 5 times and I try to get to only eat in my apartment. So basically my question is can I tell my bf that I don’t want to pay for things (except travel) and if I can how do I tell him without giving mixed signals or making him uncomfortable..

Navigating finances in a relationship is like splitting a dessert—everyone should get a fair bite. This young woman’s dilemma highlights the strain of unequal financial burdens. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Money conflicts in relationships often stem from unspoken expectations” (source: Psychology Today). Her willingness to pay was rooted in independence, but the reality of her budget clashed with her boyfriend’s lifestyle.

She travels weekly, spending $200 per trip, while he rarely reciprocates, assuming she can afford it. He earns significantly more, yet their 50/50 deal ignores her student status. This mirrors a broader issue: financial equity in relationships. A 2023 survey by Bankrate found 42% of young adults feel financially stressed in romantic partnerships.

Dr. Ramani’s advice centers on clear communication to align expectations. The woman’s recent talk was a step forward, but her boyfriend’s assumption about her income shows a gap in understanding. A playful nod to her cooking offer—met with more restaurant bills—underscores his obliviousness. Transparency is key to rebalancing their dynamic.

For solutions, she should set a clear budget, proposing they alternate travel or split total costs, including trips. Eating in, as she suggested, can cut expenses. Regular check-ins can prevent future misunderstandings, ensuring both feel valued. If he resists, it’s a red flag—love shouldn’t bankrupt you. Openness now can build a stronger, fairer future.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s crew didn’t mince words, serving up advice with a side of sass. Here’s what they had to say about this long-distance money mess:

Jen5872 − 'Boyfriend, I don't mind sharing costs or pulling my weight, but that means we have to live within my budget, not yours. I can't afford traveling to you each week and eating out every single day we're together.'

Original_donut1712 − Don’t say “I don’t want to pay” —you need to  talk about what the bigger problem is—you’re shouldering an uneven burden of the costs of this relationship. “Can we revisit how we split costs? I know we agreed to split food costs evenly but with traveling to see you so much, I’m taking on a much larger financial burden.

Can we add travel and food together and split those equally for each visit? And is it possible to eat at your apartment more regularly—eating out every meal has been a lot for me financially.”  If he’s not willing to look at the whole cost burden and split it fairly, it’s not someone I’d be willing to stay with.

stellastellamaris − Why are you paying all of the travel costs? That's ridiculous.. Why are you worried about making him uncomfortable? He knows he's dating a student with a low-paying part-time job.

liliette − Sorry, he's got a sweet deal. A woman who pays to come see him, and pays for her own food? It costs him _nothing_, not even time? He can stay in his comfort zone, she comes to him, she puts out all effort and s**, and then leaves? What a sweet set up. And now you're going to ask him to pay? You can try, and hopefully he cares enough about you that he'll do so. But don't be surprised if he doesn't.. Edit: misspelled word

stevencri − You’re paying $400 per month to go see him?? On top of the traveling time?? Yea this needs to change. Tell him that the travel costs are adding up and you’ve realized you can’t afford them alone. I’d suggest that either he splits your travel costs, or he travels to you half the times.

That’s an extremely reasonable request for a LDR, especially given his age and greater income. There’s nothing about this that’s “mixed signals” or should make him uncomfortable. Personally, if he’s not willing to split the travel costs, I’d be out the door. You’re already splitting food costs which are likely much much cheaper.

brilliant-soul − I can't imagine being so afraid to just mention smth to my partner. Why is he not traveling to you? Why are you not splitting the cost of travel? Does he know how much it costs?. In order for this to be solved you need to talk to him

TroublesomeTurnip − Find someone closer and in college, might make budgeting and seeing each other more balanced.

EuphoricEmu1088 − Typically when someone travels to you, you foot the bill of feeding them because they spent a ton of money traveling. Just tell him you're going to be living by a stricter budget now actually within your means, which means you can't afford to see him as much. I bet he just dips out. Don't put yourself into debt for any man ever.

AardvarkDisastrous70 − If he's not willing to travel to you, he's not interested. He's too old to not understand a student's budget

Ok_Courage_2687 − Girl leave him. This is a red flag all in itself. You drive to him & he doesn’t pay for food or some gas??? Go find a real man while you’re fixing your boundary issues because feeling like you owe people who take care of you is also bad.

These are Reddit’s spicy takes, but do they hit the mark?

This tale of a cash-strapped student and her well-off boyfriend reminds us that love should lift you up, not drain your savings. Her courage to speak up about splitting costs shows strength, but the road to fairness is still bumpy. Should she push for a fully equal split, or meet halfway with travel and meals? What would you do if love came with a hefty price tag? Drop your stories and advice below—let’s keep the convo flowing!

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