Husband (38M) is resentful I (36F) find people in the poly scene unattractive; how do we get past it?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a cozy coffee shop date night, where a couple sips lattes and scrolls through dating apps—not for each other, but for new partners. For this 36-year-old woman and her 38-year-old husband, their two-year journey into polyamory promised freedom and excitement. Yet, beneath the surface, a storm brews. Her disinterest in the local poly scene’s partners, whom she finds unattractive, has ignited her husband’s resentment, rooted in his own insecurities about his looks.

What began as a mutual leap into non-monogamy now feels like a tug-of-war. She’s flooded with offers on mainstream apps, while he pushes her toward poly-specific circles, badgering her until she admits her blunt truth. His hurt reaction and persistent control threaten their bond, leaving readers wondering: Can they navigate this clash of desires, or is their poly experiment doomed to derail?

‘Husband (38M) is resentful I (36F) find people in the poly scene unattractive; how do we get past it?’

My husband and I transitioned from monogamy to polyamory two years ago. So while we are each other's primary, we are allowed secondaries as well as more casual relationships. Husband and I have reached a block because he doesn't approve of my partners. I'm an attractive woman and I literally get thousands of likes if I hop on a dating app, even men wanting to fly me out, and a lot of trash to sift through.

I expected attention but not as much as I got. My husband has encouraged me to go on FeelId or Fetlife or even link up at the poly community meetings. I've told him I'm not interested and I prefer to use conventional methods to attract a partner like being in person or on a dating app instead of poly specific social scenes.

He's pushed and pushed until I finally admitted after a lot of badgering that I find the people in the poly scene very physically unattractive. I'm also not interested in a swinger setup which has more conventionally attractive people. It was like I ran his dog over. He's always been very insecure about his looks.

I fell in love with his personality, not how he looks, but for a secondary or for causal relationships, physical appearance is important to me. I like the men I like. He keeps trying to push other men who are in our local poly scene onto me, and they're all unattractive. How do we get past his resentment that I'm not open to finding a partner in poly specific places? How do we come to an agreement?

This couple’s clash exposes the tricky terrain of polyamory. “Open relationships demand radical honesty and emotional security,” says Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, a polyamory expert and author. Her work emphasizes that successful polyamory hinges on mutual respect, not control.

The wife’s preference for conventionally attractive partners via mainstream apps reflects her autonomy, but her husband’s push for poly-scene partners suggests insecurity and control. His insistence, despite her discomfort, hints at fear—perhaps that a “better” partner could threaten their primary bond. Her blunt admission about finding poly-scene folks unattractive, while honest, likely stung given his self-consciousness about his looks.

Polyamory’s challenges are common: a 2020 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior (springer.com) found 30% of poly couples face jealousy or boundary disputes. Dr. Sheff advises, “Set clear boundaries and revisit agreements regularly.” The wife could propose a compromise, like exploring new poly meetups together, while he must address his insecurities through therapy or open dialogue.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s peanut gallery didn’t hold back, serving a mix of snark and insight—like a group chat gone wild. Here’s what they said:

tlf555 − Meh, he is poly, but jealous unless you pick ugly partners? He doesnt seem secure enough to handle this type of relationship dynamic.

G00SEH − Not sure *why* you both transitioned to poly, so this may be completely wrong, but it reads to me like he’s scared of a monogamous man may spirit you away with promises of commitment.. Talk to him, dude.

Glinda-The-Witch − Quite honestly, it doesn’t sound as if you are happy in a poly relationship and he knows it. He also knows that if you find a single man, you are more likely to walk away from him and your poly relationship. Whose idea was it transition into this scene?

justmeraw − You two are on the slow train to divorce.

UpbeatInsurance5358 − It sounds like he's more interested in a swinging rather than an actual poly relationship?

JNKboy98 − “It never works, but it just might for us.”

paper_wavements − I have been practicing polyamory in my marriage for over a decade. I'm sorry your post got denied in r/polyamory, because I do think you'd get better help there. Your husband is trying to control this situation. He is trying to reduce the size of your playing field. He is trying to make it so you are only contacted by people who are ideally already in relationships, because he's worried that a single person will try to 'steal' you. None of this is good.

Mountain-Instance921 − he's always been insecure about his looks. I fell in love with his personality. Ouch

Tricky_Seaweed7495 − It’s not clear what your husband is resentful of. Does he want to be the most attractive man you’re with? Is it because the poly-scene people know the rules and won’t try “steal” you away from him?

ddouchecanoe − I have seen this happen with three couples I was friends/acquaintances with: Guy suggests poly, woman does all this work to address her need to be needed and finds it within to get on board. Then they both go out into the scene and the women are flooded with interest.

The guy very quickly realizes that most average and above women can smash any day of the week and they aren’t so lucky. Guy either freaks out in jealousy or lets his resentment slowly simmer and rise. The relationship then crumbles and in the three examples I have all of the women return to monogamy and the men keep trying their luck with multiple partners.

These takes are juicy, but do they nail the core issue? Or are they just Reddit’s classic brew of shade and speculation?

This couple’s polyamory hiccup is a reminder that love’s new frontiers come with old human flaws—jealousy, insecurity, and miscommunication. Their story challenges us to think about trust and attraction in unconventional relationships. Can they find a middle ground, or is polyamory exposing cracks too deep to mend? What would you do if your partner’s insecurities clashed with your desires? Drop your thoughts below—your take could spark a breakthrough.

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