I (28F) found out my boyfriend (29M) is planning a surprise proposal for me, and I think it is now cancelled after he met with my father. How do I address this without revealing I already sort of knew?

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In a cozy Southern town, a 28-year-old woman’s heart races with secret excitement—she’s uncovered her boyfriend’s plans for a surprise proposal, complete with a ring and family talks. But her joy turns to worry when he meets her father for a traditional blessing and comes back deflated, hinting at rejection.

This isn’t just about a ring; it’s about love, family expectations, and the courage to face hard truths. Her sleuthing has left her torn—how can she address his hurt without admitting she knows? Their future hangs in the balance, shaped by a father’s words and her next move.

‘I (28F) found out my boyfriend (29M) is planning a surprise proposal for me, and I think it is now cancelled after he met with my father. How do I address this without revealing I already sort of knew?’

So, over the past two months my boyfriend was acting weird and a little sneaky. Around 1 month after, I accidentally found out that my boyfriend had contacted my two best friends to help plan a proposal and already bought a ring. I also found out that he took my mom out for lunch to discuss this with her. My sister also slipped a little and made it more obvious. I knew it was supposed to happen this February but did not know the date.

I already know that I did too much detective work and should not have found this out, and this is completely my fault. So last week my friend randomly texts me that she saw my boyfriend at a coffee shop, and he did not recognize her, and she was saying it as a joke, but she casually mentioned that he was with my dad (she does not know the dynamic of the relationship and that they had not met before).

I have always mentioned that I would love to have my parents blessing before a proposal etc, and I know many don't agree but it is still common in the South and especially in my family and this is also my personal preference. The same day, I called my boyfriend just for a chat and he sounded a little off, so I asked if he's okay and how his is day going but did not reveal that I knew he met my dad.

He said that 'It could be better' and said work was a little overwhelming and he needs to work harder to get into a better position at work as his job is not very stable etc, and he said that would make it easier if at some point this year, I introduce myself to your dad it would be better etc. Again, he did not know I already knew. He also said that if he was a dad he would want his daughter to be stable and with someone worthy etc.

I did not know what to say but 1 am heartbroken. Does this mean the meeting didn't go well? I guessed he did not get my father's blessing, and now I don't know how to feel. 1. I was excited for something that is most likely not going to happen soon anymore (which is my fault). 2. I do not like that this happened, and I cannot discuss it with him or make him feel better. What is the best way to address this?

UPDATE: First of all, I want to say thank you to all those who commented to help out or to provide advice/constructive criticism. It is very easy to make assumptions about people's lives, so thank you for not doing that. After reading through your comments I decided to address this issue with my boyfriend as it would be best for our relationship moving forward.

I was very honest and told him that I was very suspicious, and people slipped so I knew that he was planning something and meeting with my family. I thanked him for that and for all the thought and effort he put,

and I made it clear I do not know exactly what he planned but I appreciate it. I also told him that after our conversation about my father, I was worried about him and what he believed he needed to be for this to work. Apparently, I was overthinking it. So here is what I found out:

1. My boyfriend said that I made it clear that I would like my father's blessing and not necessarily permission. 2. My father did not say no, and did not say yes. The conversation steered away from me and more into the financial aspects of life, and responsibility, implying that he has a lot of work to do and a lot of things to achieve to be able to lead a stable life.

My boyfriend took that as constructive criticism and did not wait for him to say yes about the proposal. As someone mentioned in the comments he said, these are all things we can work on overtime, together.

3. My boyfriend did see my friend at the coffee shop, and already had a feeling I knew but did not think I would overthink it this much. He said he did not mind because the surprise is more about how he will be proposing and not that he will be. At this point I think he was more excited than I am.

Now, what I learned from this is that I need to work on my decision-making skills and communication skills. I decided to overthink things, and to worry about minor things in comparison to how important my relationship is to me.

I think what I will do for now is continue supporting my boyfriend and reminding him that he is capable. As for my father, I will have a conversation with him once I get the chance. I think it would be healthy to discuss this with him and set some expectations and boundaries.

This proposal hiccup is a classic clash of love and tradition, amplified by a communication misstep. Her boyfriend’s effort to honor her wish for a parental blessing shows devotion, but her father’s focus on financial stability left him rattled, not rejected. Her sleuthing, while impulsive, reflects her investment in their future, though it’s complicated her ability to support him.

Cultural expectations matter: a 2023 Pew Research study found 30% of U.S. couples in Southern states value parental blessings in engagements, often tied to family legacy (source: Pew Research). Yet, as Dr. Sue Johnson, a relationship therapist, notes, “Misaligned expectations can erode trust if not addressed openly” (source: Emotionally Focused Therapy).

Her father’s vague critique—steering toward finances—may reflect concern, not disapproval, but it shook her boyfriend’s confidence. Her honesty in confronting him was a bold step, though Reddit’s right: giving her father such power risks external control over their bond.

Dr. Johnson advises, “Reaffirm your shared vision as a couple.” She should keep supporting his worth, set boundaries with her father, and clarify that her love doesn’t hinge on his wallet. Couples counseling could help them navigate family dynamics.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s reactions are like a family reunion—opinionated, heated, and full of heart. Here’s what they tossed into the ring:

Champion_Flight − Look, you need to stop tiptoeing around this and have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. The whole 'blessing' thing has turned into a mess that's making a good man feel like s**t about himself. Your boyfriend went through all the 'proper' channels - talked to your mom, planned with your friends, even faced your dad solo - only to get knocked down because he wasn't born into the right tax bracket?

That's some straight BS. You say he's kind, caring, hardworking, reliable, and loving - those qualities are worth more than any trust fund. Now instead of getting excited about proposing to the woman he loves, he's beating himself up about not being 'worthy.' You've got a choice to make - stand by your man and tell your dad he's wrong,

or admit that you care more about maintaining the family's precious social standing than building a life with someone who genuinely loves you. The proposal issue isn't really about keeping secrets anymore - it's about whether you're willing to fight for someone you believe in.. True wealth isn't measured by what's in your wallet, but by the richness of character that fills your heart.

Taylor5 − It sounds like he gave your bf the whole 'not good enough to marry my daughter' line.. That's pressure and stress on a relationship you dont want or need, it builds resentment. You need to damage control by going to your mother and sister, get their advice and you need to confront your dad about what the f**k he was thinking.

tropicaldiver − You told your BF that in order to propose, your dad needed to agree. You gave that power to your dad.. That was your choice to outsource approval of your life choices. And giving that choice to another has consequences. Your dad almost certainly said no, unless x, y, and z.

And my guess is that you didn’t have a conversation with dad before about how much you love your bf, why you love your bf, how dad better say yes if asked, does he have any concerns, etc. Now time to talk with dad. This is a mess entirely of your own making. You are the only one that can fix it. And dad holds all of the keys. Because at age 28 you gave your autonomy away to dad.

icerio − I would speak with your father probably. Sounds like he made your BF feel like a loser and not 'worthy' enough to marry you. I feel like your father possibly has more of an answer.

Token_or_TolkienuPOS − 1. You're 28, it's time to stop the games and secrecy. 2. If you love this man, tell him you know about his meeting with your father and it has no bearing on your decision to marry him. 3. You've probably already realised that real life is not a rom com and things happen that are out of your control but fortunately, in your case, you can still salvage everything and not abdicate the control over to your father.. 4. Tell him now.. 5. This post is ridiculous

FairyCompetent − Why are you allowing this lie to continue and compounding it with your own lie? Neither of you are mature enough to get married if you cannot have honest conversations. Life isn't a Hallmark movie, get your s**t together and tell him what's been going on. You're being incredibly naive and deeply silly. 

AmericanDesertWitch − I don't understand why you felt the need for someone's blessing when they aren't the one involved in the marriage. It's about the two of you, and you aren't livestock, your father doesn't need to put you in a good home. I guess it's FAFO, and you will have to speak to him about it.

Southern_Cam_3805 − You're keeping secrets from him. He's keeping secrets from you. Your parents are keeping secrets. What a great way to start a marriage.

LawPrestigious2789 − Well welcome to your crash course introduction on what happens if you want this picturesque marriage where your parents approve of everything and your dad calls your husband a “son” and you’re all just your typical Norman Rockwell painting.

Your marriage is to your boyfriend, not your father or your mother, you give your father this kind of power and influence over your boyfriend the next thing he’s gonna do is tell him his car isn’t “provider” enough, the house you live in isn’t “worthy”, the way he speaks to your children isn’t “what a real man would do”.

And next thing you know, your husband is packing his bags because he’s tired of being the 4th wheel in the relationship, you need to talk to your boyfriend, tell him your friend saw him with your dad, your sister revealed the proposal, and you don’t care what your dad said you’ll always love him and find him to be enough(if that’s how you want him to feel, if not then just let him sulk into trying to decide whether he wants to marry you and your parents or not)

panic_bread − I think you made a major mistake by telling your boyfriend he needed to get your father's blessing. I get that it might be tradition in the South, but it's also tied to the notion of women being property who get passed off from the father to the husband. I hope you don't think like that and thought this would be a cute thing to do.

I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and make it clear to him that your relationship is between you and him alone and that you are very excited to spend the rest of your life with him and be his wife and for him to be your husband. Apologize to him for telling him he needed anyone's blessing to propose to you.

These Redditors demand candor, but are they too harsh on her traditional values? One thing’s clear: love needs a voice, not secrets.

This Southern love story, tangled in secrets and a father’s words, shows how traditions can test a couple’s bond. Her honesty cleared the air, but their path forward depends on trust and teamwork. A proposal’s still in play, but it’s their shared strength that’ll shape the future. What’s your take—how would you balance family expectations with love? Share your thoughts—how would you navigate this proposal puzzle?

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