WIBTA if I told my fiancée and my MIL I will no longer buy groceries for my baby?

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The arrival of a new baby is often a joyous occasion, bringing families closer. However, for one new mother, the overwhelming support from her mother-in-law has morphed into something more akin to a takeover, creating tension and undermining her role as the primary caregiver. From dictating feeding choices to seemingly vying for the maternal role, the MIL’s possessive behavior has left the young mother feeling frustrated and disrespected, leading her to consider drastic measures to regain control over her child’s care.

In the delicate dance of family dynamics, boundaries are crucial, especially when it comes to raising children. But what happens when those boundaries are consistently ignored, and a partner seems unwilling or unable to intervene? This Reddit post explores the challenges of navigating an overbearing mother-in-law and the difficult decisions a new mother faces when trying to assert her parental authority and protect her bond with her child.

‘WIBTA if I told my fiancée and my MIL I will no longer buy groceries for my baby?’

So backstory before I get into it, I ( 23 F ) gave birth to my son last summer. My MIL was VERY involved in my pregnancy which I was very thankful for. When I gave birth that support turned into possessive behavior, I could list off scenarios but this post would be a book lol. I have address this several times with my fiancé (24 M).

He will tell me he will talk with his mom but nothing seems to change. My relationship was GREAT with my MIL up until she kinda started to play mommy with my son. I’ve set boundaries and somehow they apply to everyone but her. Again it’s a on going battle and my fiancé isn’t supportive or just brushed it off.

So currently my baby is starting solids now and I will prep food and buy snacks that I know he likes but my MIL will buy whatever snacks she has and will feed him that. My MIL IS NOT my babysitter, we have a family member watching him at my MILs house. She will buy groceries for my son and has introduced foods etc. I am at a point where I don’t want to buy him groceries as the food I pack is just left untouched or it starts to go bad in my fridge.

( I do have farm animals that eat said food). I have told my babysitter to feed what I pack but then she tell me she was told there was food for him my MIL bought. I also want to start taking my son to my moms as I know my MIL won’t have any control over him but the commute is 30 minutes one way and I would have to wake him up at 5 am. I’m not sure what to do.

The situation described by the OP is a common yet challenging one, where the well-intentioned involvement of a grandparent crosses the line into undermining the parents’ authority and creating unnecessary conflict. The MIL’s possessive behavior, as indicated by her disregard for the OP’s feeding preferences and her desire to be called “mama,” is a clear overstep of boundaries. This behavior can be particularly damaging to the new mother’s confidence and her ability to bond with her child in her own way.

The fiancé’s lack of support in addressing his mother’s behavior is a significant issue. A united front between parents is crucial for establishing healthy boundaries with extended family and ensuring consistent care for the child. His tendency to brush off the OP’s concerns only enables his mother’s overbearing actions and leaves the OP feeling isolated and unsupported in her own home.

As Dr. Phil McGraw, a television personality and author known for his advice on family and relationship issues, often states, “You teach people how to treat you.” In this case, the MIL has learned that she can disregard the OP’s boundaries without facing significant consequences, largely due to the fiancé’s inaction. This pattern is likely to continue unless clear and firm boundaries are established and consistently enforced.

The OP’s frustration with wasting money on groceries that her son doesn’t eat at his grandmother’s house is understandable. It’s a practical concern stemming directly from the MIL’s refusal to respect her daughter-in-law’s preferences. The OP’s consideration of taking her son to her own mother’s house, despite the inconvenience, highlights her desperation to find a childcare arrangement where her parental authority is respected.

Ultimately, this situation requires a direct and assertive approach. The OP, with or without her fiancé’s support, needs to have a clear conversation with her MIL about her role as the baby’s mother and the need for her preferences to be respected.

If the MIL continues to overstep, the OP may need to make difficult decisions about childcare arrangements to protect her bond with her son and assert her parental authority. As experts in child development emphasize, consistent and primary caregiving from the parents is essential for a child’s healthy development and sense of security.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit community has resoundingly supported the OP, with many labeling the MIL’s behavior as highly inappropriate and controlling. Commenters expressed concern about the MIL’s desire to be called “mama” and her general disregard for the OP’s role as the mother. Many advised the OP to prioritize getting her child away from the MIL’s influence, even if it means dealing with the inconvenient commute to her own mother’s house or finding a new babysitter who will respect her instructions.

The fiancé’s lack of support was also a major point of criticism, with many urging the OP to have a serious conversation with him about his role in protecting their family unit and supporting his wife’s decisions as the mother of their child. The overall sentiment is that the OP is NTA (Not the A**hole) and needs to take decisive action to establish boundaries and assert her parental authority.

PrestigiousPie8014 − This childcare arrangement just isn’t working. Can the babysitter be at your house during the day?

purplstarz − The fact that your babysitter is cleaning for MIL and feeding your child MIL's food when you told her to feed the food you provided, means your babysitter isn't willing to go against MIL's preferences for yours, which means your babysitter isn't working for you, she's working for your MIL.

You know your MIL is watching your child while your "babysitter" is cleaning MIL's house, right? This isn't working for you. It will continue to not work for you as long as your child is being watched in MIL's home. Change to your house. That may mean changing babysitters.

NoFlight5759 − Wake up earlier and drive to your mom’s would be solution 1. But, you now have a kid with this man better buckle up this will be the norm for a minimum of 18 years. I’d advise not getting married. NTA if you get your ass up and drive it’s 30 minutes not 2 hours each way.

wildferalfun − YWBTA to yourself. If you let your MIL prevail in dictating what food your child eats instead of your food, she won't stop overstepping. You need to change the childcare arrangements because your babysitter is more your MIL's employee than yours if the mindset is that MIL is the final decision maker about what goes on her home with your child. Giving up on buying the groceries is a spineless choice.

PomegranateReal3620 − NTA - But you are kind of AH adjacent, if for no other reason than you seem to floundering between what you need to do and what you want to do. You can't control what she does. She will never adhere to your rules. So if you don't want your MIL to replace you as your child's mother, you have to get the baby away from her.

You can't have it both ways. Stop being so passive and draw a hard line. You need to go mama bear on her. Stop trying to get your husband to handle her. He won't. Stop thinking she will magically become the MIL you once knew. That was an act to placate you until she could get her hands on your kid.

Your baby deserves better. This is what motherhood is. Nothing is more important than protecting your child. You are the mother. She is the grandmother. Both of you need to remember your roles.. Or just accept that you have been replaced.. So what are you going to do about?

SunshineShoulders87 − So, wait: you have significant issues with what your MIL is doing with your child. Your fiance tells you he’ll address it. He never does. Your MIL continues to do whatever she wants with your child. Now you’re going to give up and let her do whatever she wants, too, just as long as you’re not wasting money on groceries he doesn’t eat? ESH

sanityjanity − You have a babysitter problem. The babysitter should be feeding him what YOU told her to. You have a boyfriend problem. The boyfriend should be setting limits (and clearly isn't).. Why can't the babysitter watch him at your house?. Whatever the answer is, you're right that you need to separate your kid from your MIL. But you also have a longer, on-going boyfriend problem. Why isn't he backing you up? You've got almost two decades to coparent with him, and he needs to be on-board.

ImNot4Everyone42 − There are so many red flags here. Do not marry this man, if he’s already choosing his mommy over you. Suck the commute up and take the kid to your mom’s. Your MIL is getting creepy and overstepping and you need to remove her from the equation.. NTA.

crackerfactorywheel − You need to hire a new babysitter who will watch the kid at your house. YTA if you continue to use your MIL’s house as a daycare place

Limp-Paint-7244 − If your mom is willing, do that. Or shoot, just move in with her. 

This Reddit story vividly illustrates the complexities of navigating intergenerational relationships, particularly when it comes to the sensitive topic of childcare. The MIL’s overbearing behavior and the fiancé’s lack of support have placed the new mother in a challenging position, forcing her to consider drastic measures to protect her role as her son’s primary caregiver.

When well-intentioned support turns into possessive control, how should families establish and maintain healthy boundaries? What role does a partner play in mediating such conflicts and supporting their spouse’s parental authority? Share your experiences and advice on navigating the delicate dynamics of in-law relationships and establishing clear boundaries when raising children.

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